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Reasons Why a Man Doesn’t Pursue

Women always need to know why a man isn’t pursuing her.

So here it is, take your pick!

If a man is not attracted to you ENOUGH, he will not pursue.

If a man is not interested in you ENOUGH, he will not pursue.

If his fear of rejection is too great, he will not pursue.

If his fear of commitment is too great, he will not pursue.

If his fear of having to work to attain you is too great, he will not pursue.

If his addiction to alcohol, drugs, or anything else is too great, he will not pursue.

If he is not available, i.e., he’s married, he will not pursue.

If he doesn’t have enough money to pay for dates, he will not pursue.

If he has some kind of physical or mental debilitation that prevents him from dating, he will not pursue.

If he is too overwhelmed with responsibilities (work, family, kids, exes, baby moms), he will not pursue.

OR

He knows you want him and thus doesn’t have to do anything to get your attention, win your heart, or obtain your company.

OR

You slept with him. You are no longer a trophy to be won. You were no challenge and are not worthy in his eyes.

OR

He just wants sex and you didn’t put out.

OR

You will never know and never find out, therefore, SHOULD NEVER CARE.

REALITY CHECK

  • No matter what he tells you, whether it’s the truth or a lie, you won’t feel good about it. So don’t ask.
  • If you pursue him or encourage him to pursue you so you can prove you’re desirable, you’d only prove you’re desperate — which is a turnoff and is asking to be treated badly.
  • When a man stops pursuing you or never started, nothing you can do can change his mind about chemistry. NOTHING.

Get the secret weapon in dating and relationships when you Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

60 Comments
  1. Hey,

    i know im being silly in asking for help with my situation because i kinda already know what you’re going to say. But i might as well tell someone..

    So I have feelings for this guy for a while now. I can’t see him because he lives in another country. We were childhood friends, but its only recently that I developed these feelings.

    I’ve been texting him every now and then, and his polite enough to reply. But that’s it, his just being polite. He wouldn’t ever text me first or really get deep into our conversations. I’ve tried to make it longer but it doesn’t work.

    I’ve been thinking that maybe I should just tell him how i feel, and see what happens? Although he probably already knows. I duno.

    Im losing my mind here. I’ve never felt like this for anyone, ever. I tried getting over him it’s been 9 months and I still can’t!

    I’m being stupid, i know, his not into me right? If he was, he would’ve shown it. I should probably move on.

    But can you just confirm this for me,
    Try again to move on? Or tell him?

    Thank you for taking the time to read and reply. Much appreciated.

    • R,

      Welcome to the blog. You want a confirmation on what you already know, but a part of you hopes otherwise!

      When he receives your texts again and again, he is fully aware you like him. So you have already shown him that. By telling him in words, you will put him on the spot and he will be forced to address the issue.

      If he likes you as well, it wouldn’t be an issue. But because he never initiated texts and never seized upon every chance when he got your texts to tell you he likes YOU, you can safely bet he does NOT feel the same way you do. Even if he did have feelings for you, he isn’t allowing himself to act on them. Therefore, he might as well not be into you.

      No action means the same no matter what feelings are behind it.

      Therefore, if you tell him about how you feel, imagine him either telling you he doesn’t feel the same way, lying to you that he does, or ignoring your texts in the future. How would you feel?

      And if being hurt and embarrassed is the only way for you to let him go, then go ahead and do it. Perhaps it is the only way your fantasies about him can be put to an end.

      And it IS a fantasy if it’s one sided. If he were fantasizing about you, he’d be thrilled beyond belief to hear from you and would show it.

      What I advise in my EGuides may not be easy to do, but that’s because you’re not used to it. Picking up good dating habits is like learning a new sport. The more you do it, the better you get, and the easier it becomes. Pretty soon it becomes second nature and you don’t even have to think about it.

      Initiating texts long distance is one of the most time-wasting thing any Prize Catch can do. So no more fantasies. Stop the texts, and move on.

      Mr. Right is wrong when he isn’t into you!

  2. Hi The one,

    I met a guy 3years ago through a friend. She was dating his Roomate at that time. I showed up with her one late night as her wing woman. When I met him, we talked and kept drinking and started making out. He really wanted to have sex and I slowed him down because I did not. We continued talking and making out until we fell asleep. My friend finally having to leave, woke me up and I just left while he was still asleep. And nothing came about after that. No follow up no nothing. So I left it as “it is what it is”.

    Fast forward, I recognized him at a club I always go to. I Just mind my business and have fun. He has become a regular at the club as well. So I see him every so often. I can tell he checks me out and I always find myself making quick eye contact with him. But nothing is done after that. I realized I like him and I don’t know why. I don’t know him enough.

    Last year, same club, I was having so much fun in celebration of my promotion. I got really drunk and didn’t even realized it. Just when I was going to buy some water, he comes up to me for a dance.. (Mind you I was already dancing and was trying to make it to the bar for some water).

    I was stuck with my words, because we see eachother and he never talked to me before… and just when I was going to say “..not right now I’m heading to the bar…” He insisted. So when I got on the dance floor with him, that’s when the breaking point of blacking out happened. Vaguely remembering things I said “I need to find my friends”. I left him. Then somehow we found eachother again. He said “I remember you, you know, we’ve met before…”
    We sat down and were talking (I think) and started making out.

    He was such a gentlemen that night. I hate it that I don’t remember much. We walked to his car and he drove me to my friends. This time before I left he got my phone to take his number and he called his phone to save mine.
    I was just so eager to leave because I knew my friends were probably worried. But we just couldn’t stop making out.

    Next day, I was so embarrassed I decided to hit him up first. Saying thank you for walking me and that I never get like that. Am so embarrassed. I made a joke about it. We laughed and that was the end of our convo.

    I’m old fashioned. I just sit back and wait to be hit up. But in this case I just felt I had to text him first since we do go to the same club etc. And I just want to be in good terms and thank him.

    Again, no follow up from him. Or anything. I still go to the same club and see him sometimes and I pretend like nothing happened. Lol

    However, the way he looks at me sometimes makes me feel some type of way. I want to get to know him but I feel if he hasn’t done so must mean otherwise. Honestly, I feel a little rejected.

    Reason I ran into your website. Because I want to know if I should initiate the first move. But with so much history, would I look desperate as if all I wanted was him for so long. There will always be this club that we will see eachother if things don’t work out. I want to approach him as a friend first. Because I know what’s he’s all about when guys go to clubs.

    Sorry for Long story, it’s been going thru my mind couple of months now. And I haven’t talked to anyone about it until now.

    • D,

      Of course you shouldn’t initiate the first move! If you are truly old-fashioned as you say you are, you wouldn’t have made out with him when you first met him, made out with him again drunk, and then fall for him, a guy who has never even called you on the phone or asked you out on a date.

      Guys would never tell you they aren’t interested. They will SHOW you by lack of action. A guy who is interested would call and take you out after he has met you. He wouldn’t need you to help him date you.

      This guy is nothing but a club guy. Just like he doesn’t need to be told what clothes to put on in the morning, he also doesn’t need to be told to pursue a woman. He will when he is ready and interested!

      It is best you forget about him so you can find someone who cares about you and wants to be with you. Start by investing in knowledge on how to be a Prize Catch via the EGuides. The earlier the better, so years of your life do not end up down the tube, irretrievable.

      Start with “Be a Prize Catch Date” EGuide. If you have further questions, consider doing an Email Exchange for personal advice.

      You are the only person in the world who can give you what you deserve. What you deserve is a man who adores and cherishes you, not a man who ignores you and makes out with you at a club at his convenience.

  3. Missy permalink

    There’s this guy I have known for over a year (we used to work together). But I have been a long term relationship and live with my partner (not married). I’m in my late 20s he’s a little younger. I REALLY like him. He has always known about my boyfriend. But we have definitely have chemistry, great conversations, good laughs, lock eyes even amongst a crowd with friends, and touchy flirty advances so much that others noticed the “sexual tension” as they called it. One of my friends took it upon herself to have side conversation to get the low-down. She claims he admitted that he likes me but I have a boyfriend. He really smart, cautious, and strategic thinker type guy so he’s admission has me plagued a bit. When I reflect and rack my own brain if he has any feelings for me I recall times where he has asked me out a couples of times but I didn’t go because of my situation or thinking I’m playing hard to get because I felt stood up by him (he apologized the same night). For example, he asked me to go out to a party at a lounge/bar because he didn’t know anyone accept the host. He had never done this before. He texted me around noon and we weren’t going to be meeting until 10 that night. To me, he really wanted me to go as opposed to rebound, last minute invite. If he does like me why doesn’t tell me himself? Why isn’t he much more direct despite our obviously chemistry? What should I do if anything at all?

    • Missy,

      If you want to be available for other guys, you must break up with your boyfriend first. Don’t expect guys to show more interest in you and take you seriously if they know you are in a relationship.

  4. Hi The One,

    I guess this is similar to a few people that have posted. I ‘met’ a guy online and we’ve been texting almost every day for the last two weeks (about?). He always says things like, “We should meet up!” and then nothing happens. I kinda feel like I’ve put the ball in his court already by agreeing, “Yes – we should meet up!” and then nothing. Should I give up on this guy? So great to talk to online, but I’m afraid he’s just stringing me along while he checks out other prospects and that’s why he’s stalling. It’s happened to me in the past many times, so now I’m afraid that I’ve just become bitter and paranoid thinking that all guys who don’t pursue immediately are just yanking my chain. Thoughts?

    • Franki,

      Move on and don’t contact him anymore. Learn how to separate the online DUDS from the SUITORS, and the way to do it is to be an online Prize Catch who draws the suitors and eliminates the duds.

      Please get the EGuide on Online Dating. It details exactly what you need to avoid the scenario you just described so you can find someone worth your time. Without knowing HOW, you end up groping in the dark and bumping into obstacles, never knowing the way out — wasting a lot of time and a lot of emotional energy.

      Dating by trial and error is NOT the way to go about this, because years can pass by without any changes or improvement! You deserve to be relaxed and happy. Get the EGuide and you will find out how effortless online dating can be when you are equipped with the right knowledge and tools.

  5. Dear OneTruth,

    So I’ve been seeing this guy for a about three months. During the first montg, it was absolutely amazing! We would call each other all must every night. And over the phone , he would always get me to go deeper into my personal life and my outer most interests. But for some reason I couldn’t. Maybe that should have been a red flag right there. and I think because of that, he started to withdraw from me. And I really and still am in love with this guy. So I did what any other girl would do when she starts to panic about a man, we ended up sleeping together. As the weeks past, I couldn’t help but notice a drastic chance in his attitude towards me. He went from this sweet charming warm person to a total heartless asshole. Or one week he’d be so into me then the next he’d go cold silence on me. And I can’t help but to be so miserable when he doesn’t talk to me and so overjoyed with a single text that reads “hey, wassup” I can’t tell you how much it hurts to know how badly he treats me when he’s fully aware on how much I care for him. I know for a fact he’ll always have my back. but please tell me if there’s any way that he won’t have my heart any more, if you think this is a lost cause. I can’t keep chasing after this fool.

    • Kadi,

      Welcome to the blog! I’m sorry to hear about the pain you are enduring right now.

      When the whole thing starts off without actual dates, you easily end up having a phone relationship — which is all about creating a fantasy that is bound to come crashing down anytime. Never fall in love with a phone guy!

      You slept with him because you felt it was the only way to keep him in your life, when that is the WORST way to keep a guy around. He became heartless because he saw that you didn’t value yourself, so he didn’t value you. Men treat you EXACTLY the way you train them to. No more, no less. NO EXCEPTION.

      Every time he pays a bit of attention to you, you become overjoyed because you’re used to getting nothing. So this is where you settle. In the universe of dating, texts are PITIFUL CRUMBS. He probably shakes his head finding it unbelievable that you’d be happy with the little he throws at you!

      If you want more than that, you need to value yourself, feel worthy, and behave accordingly. No matter how much you love a man, even if he’s the EMBODIMENT OF PERFECTION, you can’t budge an inch from the standards you uphold for yourself or you will get treated badly.

      The more you are grateful for his crumbs, the more he will disdain you and think there is something wrong with you for being desperate. It may seem unfair and cruel, but that’s just the nature of the beast.

      When you say, “he’ll always have my back”, that sounds like he’s only a friend. A suitor isn’t interested in having your back. He is interested in winning your heart and proving to you he is the best one for you on the market. You want a suitor, not a friend!

      You’re right. You cannot keep chasing him. It is a lost cause if you keep it up. Let him go and learn what being a Prize Catch is about. You deserve to date without pain, anxiety, and confusion. And the Prize Catch sleeps like a princess as a result!

      Please consider getting the EGuides to get yourself started. Every time you experience heartache, you need time to be on the mend. So unnecessary pain always wastes precious time. The EGuides reveal how to avoid getting sidetracked and derailed by men who are time-wasters, who can’t value you or commit to you — so you can be well on your way to finding men who can. I’m also available to assist via Confidential Email Exchange.

      Expect to invite bad treatment UNLESS you become a Prize Catch!

  6. Avatarded permalink

    Half of these reasons can be addressed by actually becoming the suitor yourself:
    — If his fear of rejection is too great, he will not pursue.
    Showing interest in the potential suitor alleviates this fear of rejection, either party can then become the suitor and move on to a successful relationship. By definition affection must be mutual to achieve success. No reason not to take the first step.

    –If he doesn’t have enough money to pay for dates, he will not pursue.
    Pursuing a potential partner is an expensive process, with so much emphasis on equality in the workplace, the object of your affection may be waiting for you to “put your money where your mouth is” in terms of equal responsibility. Some may feel that the current system (being obligated to cover all expenses) is at its core essence an unholy amalgamation of gambling and prostitution.

    If this doesn’t sit right with you, then he’s not the man for you, but if you’re OK with pursuing him no reason to believe it wouldn’t work out.

    –If he is too overwhelmed with responsibilities (work, family, kids, exes, baby moms), he will not pursue.
    Initiating pursuit has innate responsibilities associated with it, if he is overtaxed as it is, becoming the suitor could alleviate this burden. By becoming the suitor and taking charge of the organization of meetups, you demonstrate both the ability to be accommodating and personal responsibility over your own destiny. Both are traits that is highly valued by “overly” responsible adults.

    –He knows you want him and thus doesn’t have to do anything to get your attention, win your heart, or obtain your company.
    Love is not a game. This breaks down two ways: He wants you back, or he doesn’t.
    If he wants you back: Mission accomplished!
    If he doesn’t: See: Chemistry.

    –You will never know and never find out, therefore, SHOULD NEVER CARE.
    You can find out if you take on the role of suitor and are rejected. If you’re not rejected, mission accomplished.

    Rolling “just wants sex into 1 category (did or didn’t put out).

    So half reasons can addressed by becoming the suitor, remind me again why the woman shouldn’t consider becoming a suitor?

    Makes her look desperate?
    Well that’s a perspective that may not be shared by her quarry, and if the object of her affection thinks it does (and it bothers him) then it’s probably not a good match anyway.

    • 1. The Prize Catch shows interest by accepting an offer for a date. How else is she supposed to show interest? The One recommends being friendly, polite, engaging, making eye contact etc. These are ways to show availability which the suitor must pick up on and make the move. In fact most romantic encounters ARE initiated by women, albeit subtly. But the man must ask her out. If he is fearful, he is probably not that interested anyway besides who wants a fearful suitor? Most women love assertive masculine males. When the woman becomes a suitor regardless of the fear levels of the man, she not only puts herself at a greater risk but such encounters often do not lead to a relationship. Being a suitor for a woman has very very low chances of success.

      2. Who says, dates have to be expensive, elaborate etc.? Suitors have to be creative!

      3. How is becoming a suitor to a man who is already overwhelmed with responsibilities going to solve the problem? He simply won’t have time to invest back. Why would a woman want a man who is too busy for her? It is best to leave such men alone until they sort their lives out. When a man is ready, he WILL pursue.

      4. The problem isn’t just that a man will reject if a woman becomes the suitor. The problem is that he might accept and use her because he doesn’t have to invest in her. This is far more devastating to women than men.

      5. Women suffer more from being perceived as desperate socially and not just by the suitor but by other suitors in whom their value goes down as well as the competition and other bystanders. Rejection isn’t the same for men and women in our society as it is now.

  7. sophisticated misses permalink

    hi everyone, i need help with an issue ive been having. i met this guy but he wasnt from the usa. when i met him, we went on one date while he was in the usa and then he left. we continued to communicate through emaill, skype, and pictures. because he ran a business in europe and couldnt travel often to the usa, we agreed that he would try to come back for the summer. if not, i would come there. well, he found out that it would be impossible for him to come. he was frustrated about it and said that our relationship wouldnt work because of distance and just wanted to be friends. we continued talking. when my birthday came around, i jokingly asked him to buy a gifted not knowing he would say yes, but he did. he seemed more excited than i was about it. initially, i only wanted a handbag and pair of shoes. he insisted i ask for more because he wouldnt be able to send gifts often, he said. i went to websites, screen shot all of what i wanted and sent it to him. he kept telling me if i wanted more to get. so i did. and before i knew it, i had sent him over 30 things all over $500. he was pissed and didnt respond for about a month because he thought i was trying to use him. finally he said would like to try again because really cared for me. then i didnt hear from him for about a month. this went back and forth more than twice. he finally told me it wouldnt work because he didnt trust me. i truely liked this guy and i wasnt trying to use him, im just guilty of being greedy. so my question is, was i wrong? was he wrong for leading me on? i feel like he should been more honest from start instead of wasting my time on him.

    • When he told you he couldn’t make it work, you should have believed him. So no, he did not lead you on. And he was just being generous in asking you what you wanted for gifts, and you went overboard. Next time, don’t be greedy, and don’t expect a guy to do something he already told you he cannot.

      For more on your situation, Get In-Depth Advice Now via confidential Email Exchange, or get your secret weapon in dating when you Order EGuides Today.

      Hope to help you further!

  8. hello the One,

    its me again. secretly hated my bf evrytime i see he’s making some comments on the pictures of some of his girl friends on fb. sometimes he’s commenting on the pic of my pretty cousin. there is nothing wrong with his comments but i dont like it. as u say, men are biological scanners by nature, and sometimes i take comfort with this truth. but i feel a bit of range sometimes. its making me uncomfortable, is there something wrong with me?or with my bf? i want to trust him because we are in along distance relationship and fb is mostly our medium for constant communication. (he’s working out of country). nevertheless, he reassures me to just keep my faith in him evrytime he feels im getting distant and treating him coldly. i not wearing my heart at my sleeve anymore nd really maintains a samall doubt with evrything he says because im afraid what if he’ll change.

    he has a style of adding a lot of girls as friends in fb even though he dont know them personally, and im suspecting he’s chatting these girls somehow. –>a strong assumption. cAUse we knew eACH other the same way before we became gf/bf’s! im overanalizing my bf sometimes and its time consuming.. sometmes pressure myself to divert my attention to doing things and getting busy with just anything, except fb! sometimes fb is my source of range. i dont want to be suspicious or malicious or assuming .. what should i SIMPLY do? :(

    • Cathyap,

      Flirting with girls on Facebook is disrespectful to you. It may become an addiction for him. You have to decide if you want to always be irritated by this, because he may never quit. Either you accept this and try to be happy, or don’t accept it and leave him. Choose one!

      I sent you a payment link for the EGuide if you’re still interested.

      • sophisticated misses permalink

        Ok, and thank you one truth. You’re right, i should’ve believed him when ge said it wouldn’t work thw first. But he was the one that said lets try to make it work all the other times, not me! I just shouldn’t have been so gullible. But u were vwry helpful. Thank u!!!

  9. basketball permalink

    Hi the One.

    I went to play basket ball tonight with my friend just messing around at the local courts.

    The cutest guy i have EVER seen was there.

    He helped us get our ball back when it was stuck in the hoop. I’m really shy but managed to say thanks and smile.

    Then he kept trying to help us (which was so sweet) but because everyone was around I wasn’t too sure how to act (and we didn’t even know this person), so I didn’t really show much interest (although I thought he was the hottest thing ever).

    Eventually he sat down with his mates (near where we were) while we kept playing.

    He asked if we wanted to use his ball (so ours wouldn’t keep getting stuck in the hoop) which i politely declined and thanked him anyway.

    Then we left (it was slightly overwhelming to unexpectedly be faced with someone I was attracted to when i’d just planned to play basket ball).

    I feel like I lost the opportunity to develop something with possibly someone who might have been compatible.

    Anyway I guess I was just wondering if he had been interested, although i’m hopelessly shy, should he have tried harder, or is it my fault for not being more open: :(

    I just didn’t want to appear desperate.

  10. hi the One,

    may i ask how to turn down a suitor you don’t like/not your type gracefully. thank you :)

    • Hi Cathyap,

      Just say “Sorry, I’m really busy.” This won’t hurt his feelings as much.

      If he doesn’t give up, you’ll have to give him the truth: “Look, I don’t think this is going to work. I don’t see you that way. I wish you the best.” Hopefully that will be enough to make him realize he’s wasting his time.

      Good luck!

      Feel free to Get In-Depth Advice or Order EGuides Today.

  11. For your information. This Ryan idiot is copying the so called advise he is giving you from other peoples blogs who happens to be real relationship experts ( Counsellors ).

  12. Elizabeth permalink

    Hi The One!

    I want to tell you how AMAZING your blog is! Telling the truth and no bullshit like all the other websites! Thank you so much! I will be so happy if you could just tell me what to do….

    I have been very confused by a man. We met last June in a club and he approached me and we hooked up. He kept on saying that he would text me even when I told him not to lie because we both know how the hooking up game goes. Then he gave me a key telling me that he will collect it when he sees me for lunch in a few days. He did text me the other day which surprised me, and I started liking him, but on the day of the date he texted me hours later saying that he can’t make it and would like to see me later that day. I wasn’t available and he said he will see me when we are both back in hong Kong. I texted him when i was back and suggested subtly having a drink as it was his birthday and he said yes but never got back to me. then in a week, i saw him in a club and he was surprised and happy, and asked if i wanted to get out of the club. i said yes and went to say goodbye to my friends but he went away. Then I saw him again, we talked but suddenly a girl came and i left. Didnt see him until a month later in a club, and he approached me, inviting me to his table, even grabbing my sister to see if she recognized him. I rejected the drinks because i didn’t want to seem like an easy girl whose just after the drinks. Throughout the night he would talk to me. then we both came back to london (we are students), and i texted him a few times to ask about specific things that he could help me with, uni and parties, then last weekend i went out and was very drunk. I texted him and even called him, asking him to come out, but he said no because it was too cold and far. i called and asked why and whether or not he had a girlfriend and he said no. and then eventurally i went to his place. he gave me his address. and the night ended up with us just sleeping together on the bed. at one point i took my dress off and was naked next to him. but he didn’t touch me even once. and after a while, he looked at me and asked what i was thinking, and i told him that i like him, and i think its a bad thing because he is a guy i met in a club and i know he doesn’t like me. he asked when was the last time we saw each other…. and i told him to tell me to stop liking him. then i left in the morning. i texted to say sorry but his reply was lol dont worry.

    i don’t know why i like this stranger so much… it has been so long and i am really sad about it. i am really confused. please tell me what to do! i am so sorry for my long story but i would really appreciate your help! i know women should not do the chasing.. but i’m thinking of asking him out for a coffee or a meal because i feel really bad about that night. and i don’t want us to be in an awkward situation as we don’t talk to each other.

    THANK YOU SO MUCH!
    Elizabeth :)

    • Elizabeth,

      Thanks for posting! Glad this blog rings true for you!

      My advice is to eliminate time-wasters and zero in on men who step up. This way you avoid the confusion you experienced.

      First off, you told him not to lie. As a Prize, you refrain from telling a man what to do. You simply do what YOU have to do. In this case, you let him say he wants to text you, and let him do it. When he fails to, you keep on moving on as if nothing happened. You don’t pin your hopes on a guy just because he says he’ll text you.

      When a guy doesn’t ask you out for a date, seeing him and talking to him amount to teaching him you have no value. That you are not worth his effort. You need to cut his conversations short and move on, to train him that you are worth a lot more than an accidental meeting at a club. Texting him first confirms that you feel you’re not good enough for a date.

      I can tell you lots more about how you SHOULD NOT feel sorry, how you can change your behavior so you don’t feel like you have to do so much, and why doing what you’re doing now is making things worse for you.

      For a lot more info, Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to assist you!

      The One

  13. Tricia Dawo permalink

    I’m just curious about something. I’m not sure if I’ve already made a mistake. Here is the situation. This guy’s been an aquaintance from high school 2 years my senior. He’s now 32. He had a horrible break up and we used to talk about it. We’d always been minimal friends on Facebook, but then last year he started pursuing. Sending me his pictures his son’s pictures, telling me I’m his kind of girl it went on for 2 weeks then he started withdrawing. He’s hot and cold with the pursuing. like he will txt chat today and go quiet for a few days. I stoppped following up and realised that each time I do so he will be quiet for a max of 4-5 days and send then he’ll initiate the chats. We still give each other advice on life’s important issues, he’ll even tell me he’s getting a pay raise etc….I ended up asking him what going on and he said he’s avoided thinking about it because part of him wants to try but another part of him is not sure, he was like let me answer 2morrow…2 days later I sent him a hi and responded and was asking about me day. I was like great wassup with the response to our discussion and he just went quiet again…..where am I going wrong??? unfortunately I’ve fallen for this guy I’ve tried deleting his number soo many times but somehow a day or two later as though he knew I’d deleted his number from my phone he’ll txt chat again…am sooo frustrated

    • Tricia,

      Welcome! When a guy is hot and cold, it’s called MIXED MESSAGES. What are mixed messages? They are one and one thing only: Another word for “NO.”

      A man who seeks you out, pursues you, and consistently tries to be on your radar, is a man who has ZERO mixed messages. He is all GREEN LIGHT for GO, and “Y-E-S, I am into you.”

      I would like to point out all the other RED FLAGS that this guy exhibited that you need to know about right away so when confronted with this again with him or another man, you RECOGNIZE THEM instantly to avoid further frustration.

      I’d also like to explain to you WHY you fell for him when all indications point to him being UNABLE to offer you a relationship. I do this by offering a detailed and personalized Analysis and Feedback (including Guidance and Answers). Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange. Remove the guesswork that takes women nowhere!

      You can then tell me anything else you’d like, and I will address all of your concerns. Consider this as an opportunity to INVEST IN YOU.

      Look forward to hearing from you, Tricia!

  14. Ok, email me the payment link please. I need help with my mess.

  15. The One, I really hope you don’t mind me asking this, and if you get a chance to answer, great. If there has been any initiation on my part, and some very vague hinting at another date, am I to assume that it’s a lost cause? The guy is likely a time waster anyway, and I know I’m worth more than waiting. But for future reference I’d like to know. There have been times when I have initiated contact only or texted right back. Should I have just let this one go completely? There have been two dates he initiated and paid for. Thankyou!

  16. Susie permalink

    Dear the One,

    Thanks for your response and I have taken everything you have said on board and just moved on with my own life. Aspiring to career goals, pursuing my hobbies and seeing friends. I’ve started on-line dating too.

    It’s confusing for me to know what to say to man who asks’ what are you looking for?’ I would like a committed relationship, but is this too deep to say to a new man? what can I say that makes it resolutely understood that I don’t want a casual hook up, yet not scary for a new man e.g. wedding bells and marriage. Some men have asked me ‘what are you looking for?’ before I’ve even met them for a date. My answer could possibly be the deciding factor to whether they will pursue me and ask me out… Does saying ‘I’m interested in serious relationship’ put men off? including men who otherwise may have been good suitors. Sometimes men don’t even know what they want, until they meet the right woman, no?

    Your advice is invaluable.

    Susie.

    • Susie,

      Interesting points you raised! Good that you’re filling your life with absorbing, fun things.

      Men ask that question to avoid wasting their time. Players want to know. Men who seek serious relationships also want to know. But the latter type of men also don’t want to be pressured into a relationship before they are ready and if it’s not their idea in the first place, even if they do want one.

      There’s more I need to tell you, so please sign up at Get In-Depth Advice Now for confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to assist you!

  17. leela permalink

    hi The one ,gosh this site is like a bible! God bless you for the wonderful service!
    right now im pretty confused about my situation ,hope you’ll throw some light on it.
    i met this guy online about 3 years ago ,though he asked me for a date right after a few chats ,i declined (we lived in different countries then),since then i continued chatting,and i fell for him and confessed my feeling to him(ouch,i know),meanwhile he kept pursuing me for a date..last year he shifted his base to my city for good(he’s transferred here),so we had a real date last year,which went well,i was really attracted and told him so (eww,i know :(…)but he kept his own pace and asked me out again,but i told him i’ll not step out unless its commitment and hinted marriage (stupid me :(…),to which he said he’s isnt really sure about this and needs time to settle down atleast 5 years..so we broke up on that ..2 months later he messages me im missing you n stuff,with me replying the same to him.he said he likes me and would like to spend his life with me but needs atleast 2 years time to settle down,we started to see other again ,all the while me feeling something’s not well and forced ,bcuz he never complimented me,(im pretty ,so im told lol),didnt get me atleast a flower on valentines day,wasnt lovey dovey,would often ask me to pay on dates,often asked me to plan date venue..uggh i got tired and confronted him why he isnt expressive enough while he knew i loved him,he said he isn’t romantic and im not his type we argued on that and decided to break off…then 5 months ago he messaged me again saying he’s sorry,he missed me ,wants me back etc etc..by then i had moved on and wasn’t willing to get back,but he kept on pursuing me,we started dating again,and he went back to his lazy ways,he never made me feel special or even appreciated ,he criticised my dressing style,just sent a msg on my birthday,i paid on dates mostly,he even borrowed money,had issues saying i love you(bcuz of a past girlfriend issues),he even went as far as saying this is a mutual setting not love marriage..which hurt me.he told me he’s in contact with his ex,which i found weird bcuz he broke up with her as she was dominating and he wasn’t interested in her..so why timepass/use people who were once interested in him?…it wasn’t just feeling right and he went around saying people saying he’s single,he even told me on my last meeting he’ll be okay if we broke up(this may be to make me feel jealous if i left him ,but still he has no right to make me feel bad when he never made me feel good either),i realised this man was never really into me and i chased him like a fool.i went home and just messaged him saying im not sure anymore and we should end this..he agreed ,after that i never texted him but he still messaging cute stuff hinting to get back,im ignoring and sometimes just a replying politely.my questions to you
    1)my friends tell me i should have lashed out at him for treating me shabbily and let him know im hurt..but im like whats the point now?mostly it was my own undoing..am i right?

    2)he’s basically a nice guy,honest and i know he cared about me ,am i wrong to dump him now and move on instead influence/inspire him to love me?

    3)though he hasn’t exactly asked what exactly went wrong im afraid he would someday ask me this since i was the one who chased him ,he will put all the blame on me for dumping him ,how do i respond to that>?

    4)im not sure if he’s actually a time waster or a potential suitor,considering he always wanted to date but my speedin up of things upset the natural balance?

    5)how do i respond to his texts?bcuz i knw he’s testing waters once before,asking again for a date,cuz he once told me he’s a big give up,never pursued anyone,and fears rejection?

    6)if he’s a potential suitor ,how can i set things right?

    thanks in advance!!
    note: we never got physical with each other except for a kiss once ,cuz i was always particular no fooling around before marriage.

    • Leela,

      You told him how you felt about him right away, then threatened him that he needs to commit to you with marriage. Of course he doesn’t need to treat you like a PRIZE CATCH. A prize requires contestants to work hard to win it. He didn’t need to do much to win you. It was so easy that you must not be worth very much, according to him.

      For a lot more info, Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to assist you!

  18. La da di da da permalink

    Hi The One,

    Do men really care about our genuine feelings for them? And if you’re sexually appealing to men, will that stop them from seeing the real you? and not just objectify you as an object to be won? Thereby, pursuing you to win your heart? And not taking you for granted?

    Will there be an impact on them if they know that our love for them is utmost, genuine and sincere?
    Coz in women’s perspective, if they find about the guy’s genuine love for them, they’d be reconsidering the man? Will that also be the case with men?

    Thanks u in advance! May God bless u more with more wisdom and luck in life!
    xx

  19. Jane_Eyre permalink

    “You slept with him. You are no longer a trophy to be won. You were no challenge and are not worthy in his eyes.”

    Excuse me? I am never a trophy to be won, regardless of when I sleep with someone. I am a human being, not an object meant to be kept on a shelf. No man who sees me as a trophy, or any object, will ever be worthy in my eyes. What a misogynistic idea!

  20. nona permalink

    Thank U Dear The One i appreciate your reply…Ill Focus On My Life My Joy…:)…But how to deal him when i see him as we meet a lot At church….shall i ignore Him or deal Normal as if he is anyone..?

    • Let him talk to you first, and be nice if he does. Don’t approach him first. Treat him like everyone else, and don’t engage in long conversations with him.

  21. nona permalink

    Dear the one…the one who was pursuing came and asked me for an exclusive relation ship..i accepted..but my sister dont lilke he he realized that her attitude is bad towards him he took it personaly and told me to give some time to cure his feelings..i dont know if what had happened deserves his reaction he dont talk to me at all…i see him from time to time how shall i act at this situation ..thank u :))

    • Nona,

      If your sister’s opinion of him means that much to him, then he probably just isn’t up to the challenge and finds it too stressful to deal with. Or he may not be as into you as you think he is.

      You can’t force a man to love you more than he is ready to. Let him go. If he comes back, great. If he doesn’t, you’re moving on. So move on now and focus elsewhere. There is no point in you waiting around for him, wasting more time of your life on a man who may or may not change his mind.

  22. Susie permalink

    Dear The One

    Made so many blunders, in a nut shell over the past year a separated man has been initiating kisses and more (not full sex) he thinks full sex would make me feel terrible and he only wants something casual, while I want a relationship in the end. A lot of what happens between us takes place at work. I feel like I’ve been weak. There have been a few dates, only because I have asked for most of them. How do I put a stop to this gracefully? I know to stop pursuing him or asking him out and if he tries to kiss me at work or ask me out, how do I say in the best way possible to check back with me once his divorce papers are in hand. How do I move on now? Really appreciate your time and how you respond with such thoughtful and smart advice.

    Susie

    • Susie,

      It’s good you admit you’ve been weak. Now you can begin getting stronger.

      You need to first be ready to stop all physical contact with him.

      Then you need to be ready to disengage from intimate conversations with him. These conversations fuel the romance and the fantasy, which you don’t need because all they do is keep you exclusive to him without the benefits of exclusivity.

  23. This is so true and I had many difficulties to understand it.

    If a man doesn’t feel a great deal of attraction when he first see you, he will never pursue you, NEVER.
    And there is nothing a woman can do to convince him to like her or to desire her.

    I had three men in love with me and they all said me after some time we were together:
    “when I first saw you, I knew it that I wanted you badly”.

    For me it didn’t work this way. It took me some time to fall in love and to decide if I like him, desire him and want to be in a committed realitionship with him. For them it was a question of a few seconds….

    So accept it and never pursue men. Because if he really likes you and he’s ready for the reliationship, he will be really thrilled to conquer you.

    • and sorry for the mistakes as English is not my language ;)

      • I didn’t even notice! Welcome to the blog and thank you for contributing your thoughts.

    • Yes, men know instantly if they are attracted to a woman. Congratulations in understanding why they must initiate the pursuit!

  24. Eileen permalink

    Most of the dating sites indicate that you have sex with a guy when you feel a genuine connection with him and hold on to yourself afterwards without bringing any drama. I don’t know what “withholding sex” here means. It means to be a prize you can’t have sex until that guy claims sexual exclusivity with you?

    • Eileen,

      I wrote this blog to help women avoid anxiety, pain, and confusion in dating. By withholding sex until you are in an exclusive relationship with a guy, there are a number of advantages which I’d love to share with you.

      For a lot more info, Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to assist you!

      • Eileen permalink

        The One, thank you for your reply. I totally agree with your statement that sex doesn’t make men bond emotionally. I reason why I asked the previous question is that other dating consultants state that if that guy really likes you and feels the deep connection, that fact that you’ve had sex already won’t stop him to pursue you.

        A woman definitely should not choose immediate sex over a long-term commitment if that is what she wants. It takes a while to build up some trust and understanding of each other to have sex. I have both girl and guy friends examples, which made me confused in the first place. My guy friend was dating multiple women and slept with some. But he really likes one of them. After they had sex, he still tried his best to win her over and ask for exclusivity. He is a well-rounded guy with many options in dating. I had girlfriend who had sex with a guy during dating phase when they were not exclusive and now they are a happy couple now.

        I am not trying to contradict your statement and advise by bringing up those examples. I agree that women should withhold sex in the beginning. I am just confused from what I’ve seen.

        • Eileen,

          Yes, it’s true there are a lot of relationships where sex occurred before exclusivity. Are all of them successful? I don’t think so. Success to me means the men are cherishing their girlfriends.

          For a lot more info, Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

          Hope to assist you!

  25. Anonymous permalink

    Hi The One!
    I just became one of your followers (today) and let me tell you that you are GREAT!! thank you very much for all of the advice. I have read blogs, websites (a lot of them) and from my experience you are far the most honest and clarifying of all. You give answers straight to the point and put anxiety to a 0 level.
    Thank you!

    • Thank you for following the blog! That’s my aim, to sort out the chaos and make things clear and easy to understand. I’m happy to eliminate anxiety for you so you can sleep like a princess!

  26. Charmaine permalink

    Hi The One,
    All your advice is excellent, but I know also that we all have to use common sense. There must be some circumstances where there are exceptions, and where we have to give someone the benefit of the doubt. An online situation has stalled, but I think it’s because the man is on business out of the country. We haven’t met yet, only talked e-mail and iM. I haven’t pursued at all, but don’t want to give up on it yet. Can something like this be “put on hold” (from my perspective only, of course…I wouldn’t ever say it to him). Advice please?

    • Charmaine,

      Should you give up on him? Why, do you want to put your life on hold for some reason?

      How many years do you have to waste on a guy who likes to chit-chat in CYBERSPACE and show total lack of interest in meeting you in person?

      Please sign up at Get In-Depth Advice Now for confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to assist you.

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