How do you look at love? Deep down, are you yearning for the right guy to show up?
I ask because when you get burned too often, have been let down by dates or relationships too many times, or have suffered from breakup that has left a bitter taste in your mouth, it is easy to build a wall around your heart.
Be careful to not allow the fact that you’re “not settling” to lose heart and hope, denying yourself enjoyment of the opposite sex.
Of course, I’m talking to those who are still interested in dating and finding someone, even if you are single and manage to be happy.
Life gets busy and there are so many things to do that you can prioritize doing. But there is no need to deny yourself a chance for a relationship just because you don’t want to settle, are too busy or scared.
If life is a journey, make it an adventure — including your attitude toward love. Know you will be okay no matter what. Know you will take necessary precautions in being aware of the red flags that signal what isn’t boyfriend material. Know you don’t have to make a guy your boyfriend just because he shows interest. Certainly know you don’t dream of a wedding just because a guy has taken you out three times.
What happened to enjoying men’s company? I’m not talking about hanging out with some guy and getting attached without any sign of interest from him. That obviously leads to disappointment and wastes your time as well.
I’m talking about when you’re out and about, stay friendly and relaxed. Laugh easily. Be open to possibilities. Don’t stick to rigid standards that limit your chances.
Just because you don’t want to fall for a dud doesn’t mean you should live in a fortress surrounded by barbed wire and make yourself impossible to catch.
A Prize Catch needs to be caught. And caught again and again. It is not necessarily a one-time event. Failing to make it work the first, second, or a millionth time doesn’t mean YOU are a failure. It means you never gave up.
The adventure of life includes love itself. Sure you might get hurt. Especially if you aren’t aware of what can definitely hurt you as outlined in all my EGuides.
But you also might find love. The kind of love that brings out and expresses the love within you. Certain risks are worthwhile. It is up to you to decide what ones are worth taking so your adventure can begin.
Do not allow gender equality, political correctness, and other wishful thinking prevent you from seeing what you and everyone else know deep down inside.
Everyone needs to bond. Including men. But women need it more. It’s obvious. Women are more prone to attaching themselves emotionally than men are. In general. There are some exceptions and we all know about them. The sweet, sensitive guy who got picked on in school. The tough chick who does one night stands without feeling anything.
But aside from these exceptions, for the most part it’s true. Women are bestowed the extra emotional element due to having to mother when they have babies. It’s biology.
Until you accept this fact of life, you will have a hard time letting a guy chase you.
Why do I say that?
Because if you think men need relationships as badly as women do, then you will justify initiating contact, verbalizing your interest, and making it easy for him to be in a relationship with you. You will actively look for signs of interest and justify them. Sadly, none of this works. It does the OPPOSITE of what you want.
Even if you’re skeptical of my premise, for your own good you absolutely MUST assume he doesn’t need a relationship with you as badly as you do, in order to proceed with the steps I outline in the EGuides credibly and effectively.
That is why he must chase you and win you over
That is, if you want to know for sure he is interested in you so you can reciprocate appropriately without desperation. Without his pursuit — when as a man he needs a relationship less than you do — guess what? He is even LESS INTERESTED than a woman who turns a man down. Do you understand the nuance?
Pursuing you equalizes things. It indicates an increase of his need for you. When he initiates contact and takes you out, his need for you is on par with your need for him.
When you pursue him, you are doubling your need for him when he remains at zero. Hardly fair and terribly unfortunate for you. Don’t do this to yourself.
A man’s priority
A man’s most important accomplishment in life is NOT a relationship but his career, job, or fulfillment of some ambition. Only after he achieves such things will he say his marriage is the most important accomplishment in his life. Or his children.
But take away his career, his job, his salary, and he will be the most miserable you’ve ever seen and withdraw from his relationships. More unhappy than had he lost his marriage and kept his career.
So even if a man SAYS his relationship or marriage is the most important thing (and you find lots of men saying this publicly), how he would typically react to job loss or financial loss proves it’s not always true.
It all makes perfect sense!
That a guy may not be as relentlessly pursuing you and making you official.
Until he does get that job, get that raise, reach the pinnacle of his career or some other goal in mind, that will be his biggest focus and concern. Getting a girlfriend and keeping a girlfriend, while important, will not be THE MOST IMPORTANT endeavor. This may not change even after marriage.
That is why when dating or a relationship becomes problematic for a man, it seems he is able to let it go. It seems he can move on. He might have difficulty doing so because he is still emotionally attached, but because by nature, he feels he has yet to accomplish the most important thing in his life, he is compelled to not invest in a relationship as much as a woman might want him to.
So he is not going to be as beholden of a relationship as you are. Pure and simple.
A man has to actualize himself
Yes, he does. And you don’t want him not to. He needs to find himself. Know who he is and go after what he wants in life. Without doing this, he is lost, unhappy, emasculated, unempowered, and can’t pursue a woman and maintain a relationship.
And this makes sense when you think about it. Most women (at least those who have some measure of self-esteem and aren’t desperate) do not want a dud. They want a guy who can provide (i.e., is accomplished). They don’t want to date a guy who sits around the house all day and can’t keep a job.
So, when a man is being a man, he is being who you want him to be. Don’t fight it. You won’t win this one.
Now this doesn’t mean a guy won’t pursue you until after he has met his first priority. It just means he won’t be treating the relationship the same way you do, be as worried about it, and be as attentive to the details, etc.
Don’t fight what you can’t change. Work with it. Find ways to navigate around the whole thing that benefit YOU.
So I have reiterated throughout my EGuides and posts that men don’t need to have sex with you to fall in love. So what DO they need?
First, they need to be attracted to you in some physical way, after seeing you in person or a picture of you. The reason this is important is that you want a guy who can be a life partner to you, not a guy who just wants you as a friend he can’t make a significant other out of.
When a guy is not attracted to you physically, it’s a dead end. No amount of his involvement in you will make him be the partner you want.
Once a man can be turned on by you, the rest is up for grabs. This means he can then develop an emotional attachment to you, and be primed to fall in love.
Contrary to what a lot of women are doing, which is having sex with a guy based on the assumption sex will win his heart, it is allowing him to experience emotional fulfillment with you that will get him attached enough to have his heart won.
How Emotional Attachment Begins
He needs to feel the following when he is interacting with you:
1. He enjoys himself when he’s with you.
2. He feels comfortable in being himself.
3. He feels appreciated or admired.
4. He feels understood.
In other words, he needs to feel good to feel safe emotionally. When he feels so good that he feels safe, he will be able to expose his vulnerabilities and thus seek you for emotional fulfillment.
Love Becomes Inevitable
This is almost a guarantee, because men, as opposed to women, for the most part do not obtain emotional bonds easily with everyone in their lives. Women usually get emotional fulfillment from friends and family members, not just from their male partners.
A man’s best friend or closest friend is often his girlfriend or wife. Therefore, falling in love with you is almost the guaranteed result of emotionally attaching to you.
Don’t Fake It to Make It
Now does this mean you’re supposed to jump through hoops to please him? No. You’re supposed to be a Prize Catch with no drama.
Does this mean you’re supposed to keep him entertained with wit and humor? No, not if you’re not naturally witty or humorous.
Does this mean you’re supposed to gush praises and flatter him all the time? No. That is phony and feels phony.
What this means is if the two of you have some things in common and are compatible, there will be a natural flow to your conversation. There will be chemistry. You’ll enjoy the same things together. You’ll both feel so good with each other you’ll be emotionally more connected to one another.
You as the woman also want to feel empowered when you’re with a man, or you wouldn’t want to see him again, right? The same goes for him.
The starting point to emotionally attaching for everyone is feeling good. Therefore, complaining he is doing something wrong, criticizing him or his tastes and preferences, interrogating him, or controlling him in some way is simply going to cause him to shut down.
Of course, if he’s one of those people who are used to being bullied or abused, then he will accept your treatment of him and continue to be with you while being emasculated. A toxic recipe for the both of you, but there are lots of relationships like this.
Hopefully you want a healthy relationship instead. So remember that feeling safe with you by being empowered around you is what allows a guy to become more emotionally open, involved, connected, and ultimately so attached as to not EVER want to be without you.
There are too many people spreading the rumor that if it’s meant to be, it will happen.
Do you really believe that?
If that were true, then people who have suffered are meant to, deaths from whatever causes, including murder, are meant to happen, and women are meant to be raped.
Good things aren’t meant to happen any more than bad things are.
Look, the future is no more written in stone than which piece of candy falls out of a kid’s bag of trick-or-treats.
The only difference is one can try to control the factors that are within one’s control, in one’s favor, and set the pieces in motion to increase the likelihood of a desired outcome.
THAT BEING SAID…
If you have been single for a long time and aren’t dating, this means dating isn’t happening to you as effortlessly as it might for some women. This is a reality you must face and not dismiss.
Therefore, don’t hold your breath, waiting.
More than ever for many, it requires proactive choices on the woman’s part for a relationship to occur today. It is no longer a matter of going about your business and assuming that the universe will conspire to align the stars in your favor.
Sorry. The universe has no such intentions. It is just a body of stars and planets with space in between, teeming with energy, matter, as well as inhabitants of all shapes and sizes that don’t know you, have any vested interest in your personal life, or have any power to make something happen according to your desires.
What are you doing in your spare time?
Hanging out by yourself, sticking to the same circle of friends, or meeting new people?
If you are meeting new people, are there men among them?
If you’ve been complaining on this blog or to friends that you’re single and can’t get a date, it’s time you regard this post as a wake up call.
Whatever you are doing, you’re either investing energy into meeting new men or not. Which one is it?
When nothing is working, change what you’re doing.
Don’t keep doing the same things and complain about the results.
Change might force you to give up your comfort zone. Change might force you to experience major upheaval. Change might force you to face your inner demons you have avoided confronting. Change might bring up unresolved issues of confidence and self-worth.
But until you are willing to CHANGE something you’re doing, you WILL get the same results that keep you exactly where you are now.
There is nothing wrong with staying single and alone. Plenty of women thrive happily in this status.
But if you want to pair up, you have to be prepared to do something totally different and perhaps even, according to some, pretty drastic.
Drastic could be paying a professional matchmaker. Drastic could be taking up a challenging hobby. Drastic could be moving to another part of the country and starting from scratch just for fun.
And if it gets you the results, why not? You won’t know till you try, and try, and not give up.
This has nothing to do with pursuing a man. This has everything to do with changing your life and enjoying the journey.
When nothing else is working, GO FOR IT.
As I said before, a guy is either a time-waster or a suitor. Anyone who is NOT a suitor is someone who shouldn’t be in the dating spectrum of your consciousness or you will get yourself in trouble.
It’s very obvious when a man is a suitor. He is pursuing you and taking you out on dates. Yay!
But how obvious is it when he becomes a time-waster?
You might think it’s the most obvious thing but when you’re in love and hooked (or just full of expectation), you are basically blind.
What makes a woman pull her hair out is when her suitor has become a time-waster but she can’t see it and is still treating him like a suitor from last year.
Know the most common signs and symptoms of a time-waster, no matter how long you have known him:
- He keeps contacting you but there are no dates or hardly any.
- He is contacting you less often and taking you out less often.
- He’s all but disappeared.
- He is taking you out on dates but there is still no committed relationship or progress toward one. (This man is technically still a suitor, just offering you a dead end, and dead ends are time-wasting so he is a suitor AND a time-waster!)
The suitor is a very distinct role a man chooses to play. Not every man who pays attention to you will become your suitor. And not every man who has become a suitor will stay one and eventually be your boyfriend or husband.
You only need one man for a relationship, so most suitors will eventually become non-suitors. This is reality. You just have to know when they’ve changed their tune so you can adjust your response.
Remember, without noticing their behavior, you’re only aware of your own feelings and hopes. When you respond according to your feelings and hopes only, this leads to heartache. So always pay attention to how they are treating you.
That being said, a time-waster can certainly become a suitor if he wakes up one day feeling highly motivated — but the chances are less common than the other way around.
When a man has proven he is a time-waster over and over again, it is highly unlikely he will know how to be your suitor in an effective and sincere way.
A woman who is stuck in viewing a guy as a suitor when he’s not, is a woman who won’t let go and adapt. It’s the same thing as staying with a once-loving husband who is now abusive and dangerous.
To not be able to adapt to change will only give you grief, so don’t lose your perspective when change occurs. Be nimble. Don’t hang on to something that no longer works or has never worked.
And most importantly, don’t try to change a man or stop him from changing. Happy New Year.
Do they work?
He calls you last minute to go out and you turn him down. Should you then say, “But I’m free Saturday!”?
Or he asks you out for Friday night and you can’t go. Should you counteroffer with “How about Saturday?”?
Some guys gauge your level of interest by whether you give them a counteroffer if you don’t accept their invite. When you just tell them no, you’re busy, however sweetly, they take that as a sign you’re not interested so they give up.
Other guys are undaunted and don’t mind pressing until they nail you down.
The question isn’t whether you should counter offer, but WHAT KIND OF GUY DO YOU WANT AS A SUITOR?
- If you really want to make sure you get a date with this guy REGARDLESS, then do the counteroffer.
- If you really want to make sure your suitors aren’t quitters, and are courageous and assertive, then don’t do the counter offer.
Now, if you’re the former, I caution you against giving counteroffers endlessly as in the following example:
GUY: “Can you go out tonight?”
GIRL: “Sorry, I’ve already made plans.”
GUY: “Oh, too bad!”
GIRL: “Well, I am free Friday night.”
GUY: “Nah, I’m busy then.”
GIRL: “What about Saturday?”
GUY: “Maybe. Why don’t I give you a call then?”
Do you see where this can lead to?
First, when you counteroffer repeatedly, you are letting him know you are willing to accommodate him. He isn’t required to be in CHASE MODE and ensure he fits in your schedule. In fact, the opposite happens. YOU are required to be in CHASE MODE, flipping the gender roles and thus lowering your value as a Prize Catch.
Remember, a guy who starts out with last minute invites will continue with them. Notice how he says he will call her at the last minute AGAIN on Saturday, exactly the opposite of what she wants.
So counteroffers can backfire.
Do you see any red flags here?
The red flags are that while she is giving counteroffers, he isn’t doing the same. Notice when a guy isn’t putting in effort to nail you down by asking, “How about tomorrow?”, “How about Friday night?”, or “How about next Saturday night?”
If he doesn’t press you to give him an available day, he is NOT in pursuit. You can excuse him for shyness, nervousness, low self-esteem, or lack of sufficient interest. But at the end of the day, you want a SUITOR, not a phone dude.
Don’t fall into the pattern
If you do decide to make counteroffers when you can’t go out with a guy, make sure you limit it to ONE and ONE ONLY. Think of a single counteroffer from you as a nudge, an indicator of your interest in seeing him.
This gives him the choice to either accept your counter offer (and thus you get a date), or create a counteroffer if your offer doesn’t work for him (and thus you also get a date).
Just make sure you observe if he is turning down your counteroffer and making counter offers.
If he turns down your counteroffer, stalls, or doesn’t counteroffer, likely he just isn’t in CHASE MODE and will want you to do all the pushing and pulling.
Many women don’t mind chasing back. They believe dating should be an equal back and forth thing. Are you that kind of woman? Answering that question first will help you decide what to do.
The most obvious way to make men the side dish is by being SINGLE.
Now, I don’t mean to tell you to STAY single. But if you are single anyway, there is no better time to become your own main course than now.
Actually, singles are a force to reckon with these days.
Everyone, I mean, EVERYONE starts out as a single, some time, somewhere. And everyone gets to be single again after breakup, divorce, or widowhood.
Those married couples celebrating their 50th anniversary are becoming fewer and fewer. So it is INEVITABLE that being single is going to be, if not already, a common and regular occurrence.
There should be NO STIGMA to this status. Right?
Yet there is. Plenty. You see it wherever. All of us are constantly being bombarded to pair up and admired when we do. Even birds lovingly tweet each other as they build their nest.
So Where Do You Fit In As a Single Woman?
Good question. My answer is, WHY should you fit in?
Especially when fitting in is all about trying to fulfill a myth that says it is impossible to be truly happy unless you have a man.
There is no question that we are designed to mate.
However, it is important for your own peace of mind and happiness not to allow that to get you down in any way as a single, which occurs more and more in people’s lifetimes than ever.
Calculate the Amount of Time You Spend Being Single in Your Lifetime
If a woman stays single till she marries at 30, and lives till 75 years of age, not divorcing or outliving her husband, she is still single for 40% of her life, almost HALF of her lifetime. This is actually a low estimate and frankly these days, it’s uncommon.
With today’s frequency of breakups, marriage delays, divorce, and widowhood, the percentage you spend as a SINGLE WOMAN is more likely to hit the reverse: 60% and higher.
So MORE THAN HALF of your life is spent BY YOURSELF.
Even if you discount your childhood years when being single isn’t really an option, the chances are likely that in your older years as a senior, having outlived men, you will spend them alone as well. The two factors cancel each other out so to speak.
Why Not Live Optimally For MORE THAN HALF Your Life?!
This is where my brand new EGuide, “Be a Prize Catch Single” comes in.
There are tons of books on relationships and marriage (and I am guilty of that, oops): How to be a lover, girlfriend, or wife. How to recover from breakups and divorce.
There are very few books on how to be a SINGLETON and stay RESILIENT in a world where the bandwagon beckons and toots the horn of romantic love and pairing.
Why does a single woman need resilience? Because so many misguided influences disrupt her ability to create and sustain happiness as a single. They also affect her mating decisions, often taking her down a path of dissatisfaction or even misery.
There is NO REASON to suffer because you’re single. There is EVERY REASON to live optimally.
Yes, this is the best way to make men the side dish.