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Men are not a project

There is saying going around that explains why so many marriages aren’t working:

“Men marry women and expect them to stay the same. Women marry men and expect them to change.”

There may be truth to this. Perhaps because the basic biological nature of women is that of nurturing, women are more inclined to encourage progress and make improvements on persons they care about.

Women use this same instinct on just about everyone and everything, including family members and friends, careers, household decisions, etc.

There is nothing inherently wrong with this tendency. Except when it comes to a man.

When you’re with a man, curb your tendency to want to fix and improve him. Sure, if he asks for your input, give it to him. If he wants your influence, he will be influenced. Just don’t try to make him interested in you, fall in love, or commit.

Or be more romantic. Or x or y.

He is not something to work on like losing weight or growing a garden. He is his own person with his own ideas and preferences and interfering with them will only frustrate you more.

This doesn’t mean you should tolerate bad behavior. Non-interference doesn’t mean you hang on to someone who treats you badly. It means you let him know his behavior is unacceptable by your action: the action of letting him go.

A man makes his own choices and he alone is responsible for that. No matter how much you’re itching to do something, you are not responsible for his choice to avoid commitment, fail to show up, or not ask you out. Sure, if you did something to turn him off, you can shoulder the blame of losing his interest. But if you’ve done nothing but be reasonable and nice, then guess what, he has made his choice.

Meanwhile, there is a project waiting for you. It’s a lot more rewarding. It’s the YOU PROJECT.

You’re better off working on yourself because the rewards are guaranteed. You will enjoy all kinds of advantages and benefits, such as experiencing self-worth, recognizing what is healthy and unhealthy, being at ease and never desperate, and being able to let go without hesitation and confidently move on from a man who isn’t able to give you what you want. And, you will be able to graciously and happily accept good treatment, because it takes a healthy mindset to enjoy a healthy relationship.

And always keep doing the YOU PROJECT while you date. Men can come and go and even stay, but the YOU PROJECT is for keeps!

Don’t wait. Quit the Man Project and start on the You Project!

Get the secret weapon in dating and relationships when you Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

Friendly men

How do you respond to a friendly guy if he’s attractive?

It seems he likes you, enough to look at you, show warmth, and even affection. He hugs you when he sees you. He likes to hang out with you. He might even be texting you a lot and following you around in social media.

Is he just a friend? Is he a potential boyfriend? What in the world is he?

Friendly men are exactly that. FRIENDLY MEN. Is there the word “suitor” somewhere in there? No.

There won’t be even if you wish it so. You can dream all you want, but until this friendly man sets up a date and pays for it, he doesn’t see you in a romantic way.

It is very important that a guy regards you romantically if you want more. When a guy doesn’t see you as romantic material, he will not court you. He will text, hang out, text, hang out, text, ….. anything but court you.

Courtship is a sign that a man is NOT satisfied with friendship, and wants you as a romantic partner. It is also a sign that he wants to cherish you, which places you in a different category.

And a man who insists on waiting for a woman to ask him out, courting HIM, is a man who you can never be sure of and a man who requires you to do the work to earn his attention. There are many women willing to step up to be with such a man. It’s up to each woman to decide what she is willing to do to be in a relationship.

Just remember. If a man you’re attracted to is satisfied being your friend, move on.

Get the secret weapon in dating and relationships when you Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

The Hiddleswift Danger Zone?

The Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston whirlwind romance has taken the news media by storm and got fans into a tizzy. This starry combustion supposedly began in New York City, then onto Nashville, Rhode Island, England, Rome, back to Rhode Island, and now Australia for Tom to work on the movie Thor: Ragnarok. All supposedly in less than a month.

And they’ve even met each other’s parents.

If you’ve been reading my Prize Catch Dictionary, you’ll know what the Danger Zone is. In short, it means when it’s all too much, too soon, too fast, and too often.

Where’s the mystery? Where’s the anticipation for more? When you give the guy the whole banquet, he overeats. Being satiated and engorged with you, why would he crave for more of you?

Assuming what we’re reading about the two lovebirds is true, this is exactly what I’ve been warning everyone about.

Now if they end up happily married forever with children (a total myth by the way, as no one is 100% happy all the time married or single), I’m sure I’d be hearing about how wrong I was. But I’m not here to predict their demise, only to caution against ENTERING THE DANGER ZONE.

The most common reasons for entering the Danger Zone:

1) When two people hurry the dating process to avoid long distance separation.

2) When two people cram their time together due to conflicting schedules.

3) When the need to be with each other overrides the will to discipline and pace oneself.

Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston not only flew together, but can we safely assume in this day and age they are sharing the same bedroom as well? I think so.

The two of them can certainly afford to fly to each other whenever they want to, whereas regular folks such as you and I just don’t have such means. And Taylor’s private jet conveniently jetting the two around definitely has not helped pace herself (the only time when owning your own plane is a liability!). Remember what I always advise: “Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.”

What would my advice to a lovestruck Taylor be?

“You just got off a relationship with someone else (Calvin Harris), which should give you pause to reflect on what went wrong and what you can glean from that relationship t0 avoid the same mistakes in the next one. Instead, you threw yourself into the arms of someone else rather quickly. And yes, sometimes you can’t help whom you’re attracted to, and if it’s this English gentleman named Tom Hiddleston, you thought, why not?

“But you didn’t let him do much wooing, which he should be perfectly capable of. Instead, it seemed as if you suddenly took over. Yes, you have more wealth and means than he does so you can take control and make things happen quickly and easily, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t still need to be empowered as a self-respecting man. Sometimes finances emasculate men. Read my EGuide “When & How to Reciprocate”, it explains how to respond to a guy treating you and how to treat a guy on a date in a way that doesn’t disempower him.

“And yes, some men are beta males perfectly happy in the role of recipient and sidekick to an alpha female. We’ve seen those pairings. And maybe a beta is what Tom is. If so and if you are fine with it, then you can stop reading right here.

“But in case he’s not…”

“Long distance for the two of you is inevitable for the time being, so be in contact via Skype or phone calls now and then. You see, so far, your dates aren’t even dates but full-blown vacations, which set up the Danger Zone of no return perfectly. This is where witnessing each other’s personal habits (as in hearing each other flush toilets) before genuine love has set in for good, potentially ruins chances for something lasting.

“Playing house when the bond is still fragile is always risky. Even for the rich.

“Deep, long lasting love is built upon slow burning embers, not flashes of fireworks admired as a spectacle that dies an equally quick death. Yes, the two of you might sizzle and pop sexually. But slow down. Let him miss you. Let him wonder what you’re up to. He can’t if you’re right next to him in bed every night, every meal, every swim, in three continents.

“The Danger Zone ultimately crushes dreams and breaks hearts, because there is no return and no do-over. It’s the beginning of the end. Hopefully, for fans of Hiddleswift, your case is the exception!”

What do you think? Do you think Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston are in the Danger Zone?

Get the secret weapon in dating and relationships when you Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

Inner confidence, outer ease

Confidence is not about proving it on the outside. Those who are outwardly confident as in being bold and brash are often inwardly insecure. By showing their power outwardly, they think this can compensate for what is lacking inside.

But it doesn’t work. It just works to fool others who buy into the act. But sooner or later, cracks start to show. They falter.

When you build a quiet confidence that comes from within, that lends toward the beginning of an outer ease that is authentic and real and lasts. That breezy way of going about your life becomes who you are and isn’t an act. It’s you. It looks effortless to others, why? Because the foundation is strong inside.

When I say to be breezy and nonchalant, it is hard to do if you’re feeling insecure or self-conscious. You have to pretend to be breezy and nonchalant. It is easy to do if you feel confident within. You won’t have to pretend. You can concentrate on enjoying yourself when you aren’t worried about keeping up the act.

Confidence in yourself as a woman takes time. It isn’t an overnight success. But the same inner confidence in a 30-year-old can be found in an 18-year-old. Some people just have it. Otherwise, just continue to work on your inner confidence as a worthy attractive woman as you go about your life as a Prize Catch!

Get the secret weapon in dating and relationships when you Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

 

 

Do you like to initiate?

When you are interacting with a guy and he is not asking you out, what are his intentions and why does he keep talking to you?

I suggest moving on, but for the uninhibited who aren’t ready to implement Prize Catch principles (and whose nerves are made of steel), you can find out from him directly, and end up with one of the three possible scenarios:

First Scenario: He may lie and lead you to believe he is interested, and still not ask you out, thus wasting your time.

There are only two reasons for him to do this. He is trying to alleviate boredom or he needs your attention to build his self-esteem.

Whether he is single, married or otherwise unavailable, he is either bored or insecure. Or both. Period.

Second Scenario: He may not be aware of his own intentions and thus convince himself he should date you, which is really lying to himself due to lack of self-knowledge. This ends in the same boat as the first scenario.

Third Scenario: He may be a follower and not an initiator. He can only ask you out on cue, and will always be needing your prompts.

For the third scenario, you may finally get a date. If you decide to go out with him, see if he initiates the second, third, and fourth dates. If you are having to bring it up all the time, you need to decide if this is how you want things to be between the two of you. Think marriage proposal, wedding, honeymoon, special occasions, parenting children, building a household, etc.

Remember, a lot of women invest more emotionally into a guy as she continues seeing him — whether or not he is even right for her, despite the red flags. This can become your tendency as well as you become more involved with someone, and it may be hard to break it off.

Why would it be hard to break it off? Because while nobody is perfect, nobody is 100% flawed either. He might have some good qualities in spite of the inability to initiate. He might have an upstanding character or be an animal lover which really warms your heart. He might have many other likable traits that you fall in love with.

The point being, if you are A-OKAY with doing the hinting and initiating and planning, there is nothing wrong with being with this type of guy.

The problem is that lots of women convince themselves they are okay with it when they are NOT. So dig deep and examine any part of you that might be resisting this. You need to be sure you fully accept his manner of going about dating and relationships so you can be happy. Or else, there is no point going forward with him if you want him to change. Unless he’s a two year old who is trainable, he won’t change. Even if he tries to, he may resent having to be with a woman who can’t accept him the way he is, further emasculating him. A losing battle.

Know yourself and know what you want in a man. Do you want to initiate? Sometimes? Always? Forever?

Get the secret weapon in dating and relationships when you Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Are you really dating him?

There is a huge difference between dating someone and seeing someone.

The word “dating” is being thrown around a lot. It’s a trend to say someone is dating someone even if they are seeing each other without being on a date. People are only hanging out and sleeping together, but tell their friends they are dating.

This is the slippery slope that will get you nowhere except the Danger Zone I talk about in my EGuides.

To avoid deluding yourself, you need to call it what it is. If you’re just having sex with him, say that. If you’re going over to his house to hang out, say that. If all he does is text you, say that. If he took you out once and stopped, say that.

Get the Prize Catch Dictionary so you know your dating terminology and stay realistic about what he is or isn’t doing.

Check your reality here:

1. If you’re seeing a guy, is it on a date he’s planned in advance?

2. When you’re with a guy, who planned it?

3. When you two eat together, who planned it? Where did you eat?

4. When you sleep with a guy, did he make you exclusive first?

5. When you text back and forth, is it about a date he’s discussing with you? An engagement? A marriage proposal?

6. Or is it chitchat that just deprives you of your beauty sleep and strokes his ego?

When you’re just being with a guy, hanging out, or sleeping with him — you are not dating him. Only use the word “date” when he is making plans with you and following through.

Don’t deceive yourself to say you’re dating someone when there is no date to begin with.

And if a guy is dating you forever, never making you exclusive, then no, he is not your boyfriend. He is just a date. He isn’t even a suitor, because a man is a suitor to begin with in order to win your hand in marriage. A man doesn’t become your suitor just to keep you on permanent hold.

Be unflinchingly honest about what is happening. Then and only then will the right guy step up, and you will save valuable time and avoid unnecessary heartache.

Get the secret weapon in dating and relationships when you Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

 

 

What makes him right for you?

And it is not just what drew you to him in the first place.

What makes him right for you boils down to five distinct components. They are all important, and when any one of them is missing, he ceases to be right for you. As things get more serious with a guy you’re dating, see if you have the following:

PHYSICAL ATTRACTION: This is a must if you want to enjoy a physical relationship with him. If you shudder at his touch or feel nothing, he will feel rejected as a man and won’t be as motivated to make you happy in the relationship. Both of you will be robbed of affection, warmth, sexual intimacy, and a rockin’ good time. Remember, nobody else in the universe has to think he’s physically attractive. Just you. You don’t have to think he’s the hottest dude on the planet, but you do have to like his looks. And vice versa — he needs to find you physically attractive. If he is critical of your looks or never touches you (or hates being touched by you), you will feel unwanted and miserable. It will destroy your self-esteem.

NON-PHYSICAL ATTRACTION: Physical attraction can’t be the only glue that keeps a couple together, because, of all the components, the physical aspect most easily wanes over time. This is where personality compatibility, as in emotional and mental attraction, comes in. When you both get along well and are able to enjoy each other’s company in a variety of situations, there’s more to deepen your bonding. A marriage can last this way as looks fade, when the emotional and mental connections have cemented the love so much that he’s not going to want to ditch you for a younger version and you’re not going to need to cheat on him. Therefore, you both need to love each other’s non-physical aspects as well.

SIMILAR VALUES: This covers a lot of ground but it’s a must so the both of you aren’t bickering over things like how to treat each other, how to raise kids, money and finances, religion, recreational drug use, alcohol intake, etc. If telling him why he shouldn’t eat meat causes arguments between the two of you, you need to find a vegetarian. Or if you’re unhappy that he is always broke, you need to let him go too. His and your values don’t need to be exactly the same. They just need to be generally the same in order to minimize differences and pave a smoother path in the journey together. Why start out with hurdles to overcome?

LIFESTYLE COMPATIBILITY: This is a must because if your dream is to live on a farm and raise chickens, an urbanite jetsetter won’t do. Of course, if you don’t know what you want and you’re pretty flexible, you’re more likely to be able to adapt to someone else’s lifestyle. Or if you love partying and he thinks silence is golden, rethink if this will work in the long run, when you’re married to him and he demeans your friends and your loud music. Get to know him, but know yourself.

COLLABORATION: This is a must if you want any peace in the house. You’re two different people and sometimes you want A and he wants B. If neither of you is willing to budge or come up with a suitable alternative, there will be struggles, quarrels, and dissatisfaction. It is important not to be too stubborn to forgive, let go of grudges, and collaborate. If something is mutually beneficial, it trumps individual preferences. When individual preferences prove costly to the relationship, then someone’s ego is too big and someone is getting taken advantage of (or one of the other four components is missing). Highly individualistic tendencies mean someone ought to find a doormat or stay single. Needless to say, collaboration only works if both partners are collaborative.

THEREFORE….

An attractive guy you are having great conversations with (whose mom thinks the world of you) wouldn’t be right for you if you get upset because he prefers a beer and a home movie every weekend instead of going out to a nice restaurant. This is where you don’t have LIFESTYLE COMPATIBILITY with him.

Or if your guy thinks it’s important to be nice by checking up on his ex-girlfriends and you think he needs to be over them and move on. This would be a case of not having VALUES that are similar.

Differences in lifestyle and values are fine as long as nobody’s upset or arguing over them. Otherwise, they can be deal breakers.

Each component is necessary to make a lifelong relationship work. Think of them as five pillars required to support the long-term going-ons of a relationship. When one of them breaks down, the other four pillars won’t be able to take its place and the relationship is at risk.

So, to increase your chances of success, keep these components in mind!

Feel free to get my thorough analysis of your relationship here. To acquire more skills in making a relationship work, get the EGuides “Become His Girlfriend”, “Be a Prize Catch Girlfriend”, and “Be a Prize Catch Wife”.

Get the secret weapon in dating and relationships when you Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

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