There are too many people spreading the rumor that if it’s meant to be, it will happen.
Do you really believe that?
If that were true, then people who have suffered are meant to, deaths from whatever causes, including murder, are meant to happen, and women are meant to be raped.
Good things aren’t meant to happen any more than bad things are.
Look, the future is no more written in stone than which piece of candy falls out of a kid’s bag of trick-or-treats.
The only difference is one can try to control the factors that are within one’s control, in one’s favor, and set the pieces in motion to increase the likelihood of a desired outcome.
THAT BEING SAID…
If you have been single for a long time and aren’t dating, this means dating isn’t happening to you as effortlessly as it might for some women. This is a reality you must face and not dismiss.
Therefore, don’t hold your breath, waiting.
More than ever for many, it requires proactive choices on the woman’s part for a relationship to occur today. It is no longer a matter of going about your business and assuming that the universe will conspire to align the stars in your favor.
Sorry. The universe has no such intentions. It is just a body of stars and planets with space in between, teeming with energy, matter, as well as inhabitants of all shapes and sizes that don’t know you, have any vested interest in your personal life, or have any power to make something happen according to your desires.
What are you doing in your spare time?
Hanging out by yourself, sticking to the same circle of friends, or meeting new people?
If you are meeting new people, are there men among them?
If you’ve been complaining on this blog or to friends that you’re single and can’t get a date, it’s time you regard this post as a wake up call.
Whatever you are doing, you’re either investing energy into meeting new men or not. Which one is it?
When nothing is working, change what you’re doing.
Don’t keep doing the same things and complain about the results.
Change might force you to give up your comfort zone. Change might force you to experience major upheaval. Change might force you to face your inner demons you have avoided confronting. Change might bring up unresolved issues of confidence and self-worth.
But until you are willing to CHANGE something you’re doing, you WILL get the same results that keep you exactly where you are now.
There is nothing wrong with staying single and alone. Plenty of women thrive happily in this status.
But if you want to pair up, you have to be prepared to do something totally different and perhaps even, according to some, pretty drastic.
Drastic could be paying a professional matchmaker. Drastic could be taking up a challenging hobby. Drastic could be moving to another part of the country and starting from scratch just for fun.
And if it gets you the results, why not? You won’t know till you try, and try, and not give up.
This has nothing to do with pursuing a man. This has everything to do with changing your life and enjoying the journey.
When nothing else is working, GO FOR IT.
As I said before, a guy is either a time-waster or a suitor. Anyone who is NOT a suitor is someone who shouldn’t be in the dating spectrum of your consciousness or you will get yourself in trouble.
It’s very obvious when a man is a suitor. He is pursuing you and taking you out on dates. Yay!
But how obvious is it when he becomes a time-waster?
You might think it’s the most obvious thing but when you’re in love and hooked (or just full of expectation), you are basically blind.
What makes a woman pull her hair out is when her suitor has become a time-waster but she can’t see it and is still treating him like a suitor from last year.
Know the most common signs and symptoms of a time-waster, no matter how long you have known him:
- He keeps contacting you but there are no dates or hardly any.
- He is contacting you less often and taking you out less often.
- He’s all but disappeared.
- He is taking you out on dates but there is still no committed relationship or progress toward one. (This man is technically still a suitor, just offering you a dead end, and dead ends are time-wasting so he is a suitor AND a time-waster!)
The suitor is a very distinct role a man chooses to play. Not every man who pays attention to you will become your suitor. And not every man who has become a suitor will stay one and eventually be your boyfriend or husband.
You only need one man for a relationship, so most suitors will eventually become non-suitors. This is reality. You just have to know when they’ve changed their tune so you can adjust your response.
Remember, without noticing their behavior, you’re only aware of your own feelings and hopes. When you respond according to your feelings and hopes only, this leads to heartache. So always pay attention to how they are treating you.
That being said, a time-waster can certainly become a suitor if he wakes up one day feeling highly motivated — but the chances are less common than the other way around.
When a man has proven he is a time-waster over and over again, it is highly unlikely he will know how to be your suitor in an effective and sincere way.
A woman who is stuck in viewing a guy as a suitor when he’s not, is a woman who won’t let go and adapt. It’s the same thing as staying with a once-loving husband who is now abusive and dangerous.
To not be able to adapt to change will only give you grief, so don’t lose your perspective when change occurs. Be nimble. Don’t hang on to something that no longer works or has never worked.
And most importantly, don’t try to change a man or stop him from changing. Happy New Year.
Do they work?
He calls you last minute to go out and you turn him down. Should you then say, “But I’m free Saturday!”?
Or he asks you out for Friday night and you can’t go. Should you counteroffer with “How about Saturday?”?
Some guys gauge your level of interest by whether you give them a counteroffer if you don’t accept their invite. When you just tell them no, you’re busy, however sweetly, they take that as a sign you’re not interested so they give up.
Other guys are undaunted and don’t mind pressing until they nail you down.
The question isn’t whether you should counter offer, but WHAT KIND OF GUY DO YOU WANT AS A SUITOR?
- If you really want to make sure you get a date with this guy REGARDLESS, then do the counteroffer.
- If you really want to make sure your suitors aren’t quitters, and are courageous and assertive, then don’t do the counter offer.
Now, if you’re the former, I caution you against giving counteroffers endlessly as in the following example:
GUY: “Can you go out tonight?”
GIRL: “Sorry, I’ve already made plans.”
GUY: “Oh, too bad!”
GIRL: “Well, I am free Friday night.”
GUY: “Nah, I’m busy then.”
GIRL: “What about Saturday?”
GUY: “Maybe. Why don’t I give you a call then?”
Do you see where this can lead to?
First, when you counteroffer repeatedly, you are letting him know you are willing to accommodate him. He isn’t required to be in CHASE MODE and ensure he fits in your schedule. In fact, the opposite happens. YOU are required to be in CHASE MODE, flipping the gender roles and thus lowering your value as a Prize Catch.
Remember, a guy who starts out with last minute invites will continue with them. Notice how he says he will call her at the last minute AGAIN on Saturday, exactly the opposite of what she wants.
So counteroffers can backfire.
Do you see any red flags here?
The red flags are that while she is giving counteroffers, he isn’t doing the same. Notice when a guy isn’t putting in effort to nail you down by asking, “How about tomorrow?”, “How about Friday night?”, or “How about next Saturday night?”
If he doesn’t press you to give him an available day, he is NOT in pursuit. You can excuse him for shyness, nervousness, low self-esteem, or lack of sufficient interest. But at the end of the day, you want a SUITOR, not a phone dude.
Don’t fall into the pattern
If you do decide to make counteroffers when you can’t go out with a guy, make sure you limit it to ONE and ONE ONLY. Think of a single counteroffer from you as a nudge, an indicator of your interest in seeing him.
This gives him the choice to either accept your counter offer (and thus you get a date), or create a counteroffer if your offer doesn’t work for him (and thus you also get a date).
Just make sure you observe if he is turning down your counteroffer and making counter offers.
If he turns down your counteroffer, stalls, or doesn’t counteroffer, likely he just isn’t in CHASE MODE and will want you to do all the pushing and pulling.
Many women don’t mind chasing back. They believe dating should be an equal back and forth thing. Are you that kind of woman? Answering that question first will help you decide what to do.
The most obvious way to make men the side dish is by being SINGLE.
Now, I don’t mean to tell you to STAY single. But if you are single anyway, there is no better time to become your own main course than now.
Actually, singles are a force to reckon with these days.
Everyone, I mean, EVERYONE starts out as a single, some time, somewhere. And everyone gets to be single again after breakup, divorce, or widowhood.
Those married couples celebrating their 50th anniversary are becoming fewer and fewer. So it is INEVITABLE that being single is going to be, if not already, a common and regular occurrence.
There should be NO STIGMA to this status. Right?
Yet there is. Plenty. You see it wherever. All of us are constantly being bombarded to pair up and admired when we do. Even birds lovingly tweet each other as they build their nest.
So Where Do You Fit In As a Single Woman?
Good question. My answer is, WHY should you fit in?
Especially when fitting in is all about trying to fulfill a myth that says it is impossible to be truly happy unless you have a man.
There is no question that we are designed to mate.
However, it is important for your own peace of mind and happiness not to allow that to get you down in any way as a single, which occurs more and more in people’s lifetimes than ever.
Calculate the Amount of Time You Spend Being Single in Your Lifetime
If a woman stays single till she marries at 30, and lives till 75 years of age, not divorcing or outliving her husband, she is still single for 40% of her life, almost HALF of her lifetime. This is actually a low estimate and frankly these days, it’s uncommon.
With today’s frequency of breakups, marriage delays, divorce, and widowhood, the percentage you spend as a SINGLE WOMAN is more likely to hit the reverse: 60% and higher.
So MORE THAN HALF of your life is spent BY YOURSELF.
Even if you discount your childhood years when being single isn’t really an option, the chances are likely that in your older years as a senior, having outlived men, you will spend them alone as well. The two factors cancel each other out so to speak.
Why Not Live Optimally For MORE THAN HALF Your Life?!
This is where my brand new EGuide, “Be a Prize Catch Single” comes in.
There are tons of books on relationships and marriage (and I am guilty of that, oops): How to be a lover, girlfriend, or wife. How to recover from breakups and divorce.
There are very few books on how to be a SINGLETON and stay RESILIENT in a world where the bandwagon beckons and toots the horn of romantic love and pairing.
Why does a single woman need resilience? Because so many misguided influences disrupt her ability to create and sustain happiness as a single. They also affect her mating decisions, often taking her down a path of dissatisfaction or even misery.
There is NO REASON to suffer because you’re single. There is EVERY REASON to live optimally.
Yes, this is the best way to make men the side dish.
Being a Prize Catch isn’t a show. That is why I hesitate to identify famous role models for you to emulate. I don’t know their inner lives, and that is what this is all about: the INNER YOU that directs your outer world and behavior.
When reading the EGuides, start with your core being:
- How do you feel about yourself and your life?
- What do you deserve?
- Do you take responsibility for yourself and your behavior?
- Do you blame others for how you feel?
- Do you believe you always have a choice?
- Do you want to co-create a beautiful relationship with a man, or do you want to use him as an emotional and social crutch?
When you can feel good and deserving, able to wield power in choosing, you can then INTERNALIZE Prize Catch principles.
- You can then BE a Prize Catch without having to ACT like one.
- You can then LET GO of men you are attracted to if they don’t pursue.
- You can monopolize your time with things that are good and healthy for you so a man only serves to enhance your life, not toxify it.
- You can live a Prize Catch lifestyle that feels natural to you based on your personal preferences.
- You can decline offers that don’t value you and accept ones that do — without doubting yourself and backtracking.
- You can gain confidence without conceit, gain ease without inertia, yet stay friendly without being overly zealous.
Without starting with YOU and working out the kinks in YOU, you end up lonely and needy, angry and frustrated, or jump from one guy to the next until you run out of them.
Even if you and some guy start out with great chemistry, you need to know how to SUSTAIN it. Getting a brand new car might make you happy, but without maintaining it, it won’t last.
Why suffer from heartbreak unnecessarily? And why do so over and over?
You owe it to yourself to live a happy, meaningful life. It begins with INTERNALIZING the principles so the steps outlined in the EGuides aren’t done robotically and mechanically, like reciting a bunch of rules.
Dig deep and REFLECT, then come from WITHIN so your behavior is an authentic representation of who you are.
Then watch the results unfold and ENJOY.
Meet Jenny. She is a romantic. She believes in love. She also has a lot of love to give. One day she meets a guy named Vance at a college campus party. He asks her out on a date. She is thrilled because she finds him attractive, smart, and ambitious.
As they continue seeing each other, Jenny falls in love hard. Sometimes Vance is overwhelmed with school and his job as a store clerk and can’t go out with her. But due to the love she has for him, she doesn’t notice other men and just hangs out with her friends who get to hear all about him.
When she complains to Vance she hardly sees him, he asks her to pop over to his dorm room, citing convenience for the both of them. So she makes sure she is there otherwise she wouldn’t get to see him. When she’s there, she gives him back rubs and even has sex with him.
Two months pass and Jenny finds him taking longer and longer to call her. In fact, he wouldn’t return her texts till the next day and always has an excuse. Frustrated and angry, she confronts him at his dorm room. She tells him she doesn’t want to be put on the back burner and asks him if he met someone else. That’s when he confesses he isn’t ready to be in a relationship.
Feeling hurt and put in an awkward spot, Jenny starts arguing with him. Vance apologizes and tells her to see other guys. Later that night, Jenny is crying to her friends vowing to never go through this again. But because she doesn’t know what she did wrong and isn’t aware of what else to do, she calls Vance and leaves messages telling him she misses him and that she really wants to start fresh with him.
After five days, finally Vance calls back and explains to her he simply isn’t able to give her what she needs because he has too much on his plate. The more she questions him, the more he repeats his position. Then he says he initially just wanted to have a good time and thought she was fun to be with. But now, he realizes he doesn’t have time for a relationship.
Eventually Jenny accepts this and reluctantly says goodbye. In the next few months she tries hard to move on. She is glad they do not take classes in the same departments, so she never bumps into him. In the following school year, however, while walking by the cafeteria, she sees him holding hands with a girl. They look happy together and even kiss. Hurt and confused, she calls her friends and complains that he is a jerk.
So was Vance truly so busy and overwhelmed he couldn’t see Jenny anymore? Then why did he end up with another girl? Did he quit his store clerk job and make more time for her? What happened?
If you don’t know the answers to these questions and can’t figure out exactly what went wrong, then it is time you learn about Prize Catch behavior as explained in the EGuides.
Remember, LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH. No amount of accommodating niceness from you is going to make a guy fall in love and make you exclusively his. In fact, the more you want him, the less he wants you. And it is not about being a mean bitch either.
What does it take?
I explained in the article “Do All Men Pursue?” that chasing is a male instinct. However, some men are overcome with factors that whittle their instincts away.
So who are these guys that require YOU to step up and initiate? To approach them first? To call them first? To ask for a relationship?
Here they are — mystery solved!
- Guys who are spoken for.
- Guys who have a deep-seated fear of intimacy, therefore rejection.
- Guys who can’t commit.
- Guys who are steeped in some kind of addiction, unhealthy behavior, or mental illness.
- Guys who are so overwhelmed that they won’t be able to be a proper suitor or eventual boyfriend (think insufficient income, overworking, lack of time, in the middle of a crisis or stressful situation, etc).
- Guys who have completely given up on chasing because they’ve been rejected repeatedly (usually by women out of their league) so they’ve become cynical and rail against the notion that men should be doing the chasing.
- Guys who….(fill in the blank).
Take a hard look.
Do these guys look like the kind you want to get involved with on a long-term basis?
Can you see any of these guys cherishing and adoring you consistently?
Can you see you’d be full of anxiety and pain if you become interested in them, or worse, fall in love?
Therefore, can you honestly believe initiating and chasing them would work?
Know the limits to girl power. You can’t take a guy and give him a makeover.
Don’t date a guy with potential. Date a SUITOR (as in “one who pursues”).