And it is not just what drew you to him in the first place.
What makes him right for you boils down to five distinct components. They are all important, and when any one of them is missing, he ceases to be right for you. As things get more serious with a guy you’re dating, see if you have the following:
PHYSICAL ATTRACTION: This is a must if you want to enjoy a physical relationship with him. If you shudder at his touch or feel nothing, he will feel rejected as a man and won’t be as motivated to make you happy in the relationship. Both of you will be robbed of affection, warmth, sexual intimacy, and a rockin’ good time. Remember, nobody else in the universe has to think he’s physically attractive. Just you. You don’t have to think he’s the hottest dude on the planet, but you do have to like his looks. And vice versa — he needs to find you physically attractive. If he is critical of your looks or never touches you (or hates being touched by you), you will feel unwanted and miserable. It will destroy your self-esteem.
NON-PHYSICAL ATTRACTION: Physical attraction can’t be the only glue that keeps a couple together, because, of all the components, the physical aspect most easily wains over time. This is where personality compatibility, as in emotional and mental attraction, comes in. When you both get along well and are able to enjoy each other’s company in a variety of situations, there’s more to deepen your bonding. A marriage can last this way as looks fade, when the emotional and mental connections have cemented the love so much that he’s not going to want to ditch you for a younger version and you’re not going to need to cheat on him. Therefore, you both need to love each other’s non-physical aspects as well.
SIMILAR VALUES: This covers a lot of ground but it’s a must so the both of you aren’t bickering over things like how to treat each other, how to raise kids, money and finances, religion, recreational drug use, alcohol intake, etc. If telling him why he shouldn’t eat meat causes arguments between the two of you, you need to find a vegetarian. Or if you’re unhappy that he is always broke, you need to let him go too. His and your values don’t need to be exactly the same. They just need to be generally the same in order to minimize differences and pave a smoother path in the journey together. Why start out with hurdles to overcome?
LIFESTYLE COMPATIBILITY: This is a must because if your dream is to live on a farm and raise chickens, an urbanite jetsetter won’t do. Of course, if you don’t know what you want and you’re pretty flexible, you’re more likely to be able to adapt to someone else’s lifestyle. Or if you love partying and he thinks silence is golden, rethink if this will work in the long run, when you’re married to him and he demeans your friends and your loud music. Get to know him, but know yourself.
COLLABORATION: This is a must if you want any peace in the house. You’re two different people and sometimes you want A and he wants B. If neither of you is willing to budge or come up with a suitable alternative, there will be struggles, quarrels, and dissatisfaction. It is important not to be too stubborn to forgive, let go of grudges, and collaborate. If something is mutually beneficial, it trumps individual preferences. When individual preferences prove costly to the relationship, then someone’s ego is too big and someone is getting taken advantage of (or one of the other four components is missing). Highly individualistic tendencies mean someone ought to find a doormat or stay single. Needless to say, collaboration only works if both partners are collaborative.
An attractive guy you are having great conversations with (whose mom thinks the world of you) wouldn’t be right for you if you get upset because he prefers a beer and a home movie every weekend instead of going out to a nice restaurant. This is where you don’t have LIFESTYLE COMPATIBILITY with him.
Or if your guy thinks it’s important to be nice by checking up on his ex-girlfriends and you think he needs to be over them and move on. This would be a case of not having VALUES that are similar.
Differences in lifestyle and values are fine as long as nobody’s upset or arguing over them. Otherwise, they can be deal breakers.
Each component is necessary to make a lifelong relationship work. Think of them as five pillars required to support the long-term going-ons of a relationship. When one of them breaks down, the other four pillars won’t be able to take its place and the relationship is at risk.
So, to increase your chances of success, keep these components in mind!
Feel free to get my thorough analysis of your relationship here. To acquire more skills in making a relationship work, get the EGuides “Become His Girlfriend”, “Be a Prize Catch Girlfriend”, and “Be a Prize Catch Wife”.
If you find yourself doubting whether or not you are showing sufficient interest in a guy, chances are, he hasn’t shown sufficient interest in YOU!
I say this because it is so easy to help a guy out:
- He didn’t ask you for your number? Give him yours.
- He didn’t ask you out? Suggest it yourself.
- He didn’t specify a day and time? Let him know when you’re free.
- He didn’t come up with a place to go? Mention your favorite restaurant.
- He didn’t offer to pick you up? Suggest meeting him there.
If helping a guy date you worked, that would be all I would be writing.
But it doesn’t work.
When a guy wants to see you, all he needs to know is if you want to see him too. He doesn’t need you to become the Activity Coordinator and make reservations.
Once you respond to his request to see him, he can and should do the rest. If he can’t, he doesn’t want to. Or if he’s incapable of it, you definitely don’t want him to be your boyfriend.
You already have a job. You don’t need another one. You want to be a girlfriend, not the Director of Scheduling.
A guy who doesn’t value you won’t treat you right, even if he marries you. That’s right. Guys settle too for less.
Here’s a secret:
- There are men out there who will settle even if they aren’t in love with the woman and don’t think she’s the cat’s meow.
- They will marry a woman even if they don’t think she’s that attractive. They have to coax themselves to perform in bed so they don’t get found out.
- There are even men who marry their best friends only to discover they can’t keep pretending there is chemistry, despite strong emotional bonds.
This eventually causes heartache and tears, at a time of your life (when you’re much older) when the last thing you need is to have the love of your life expose himself as a fraud.
Men settle for pretty much the same reasons women do:
- There are no other options at the moment. (Their dream girl hasn’t shown up — you may be the best they’ll ever get, they fear.)
- They are already attached to you. (It’s too much of a hassle to break it off with you and move on.)
- They are in denial or in ignorance of who they are and what they really want.
- They lack confidence in getting what they really want and believe they don’t deserve a woman who is a better match.
All of the above can be avoided if you as the woman simply become a Prize Catch. How? Train yourself via the EGuides.
A man who manages to reel in a Prize Catch is a man who knows what he wants. He is seriously in love and in for the long haul. Translation:
He can see himself staying in love with a woman for the rest of his life. He wants her not because he isn’t lucky enough to meet his dream girl. He wants her because he met his dream girl. He knows it and he makes sure you do too!
Be a Prize Catch today. Eliminate the settlers. Avoid unnecessary grief.
How do you look at love? Deep down, are you yearning for the right guy to show up?
I ask because when you get burned too often, have been let down by dates or relationships too many times, or have suffered from breakup that has left a bitter taste in your mouth, it is easy to build a wall around your heart.
Be careful to not allow the fact that you’re “not settling” to lose heart and hope, denying yourself enjoyment of the opposite sex.
Of course, I’m talking to those who are still interested in dating and finding someone, even if you are single and manage to be happy.
Life gets busy and there are so many things to do that you can prioritize doing. But there is no need to deny yourself a chance for a relationship just because you don’t want to settle, are too busy or scared.
If life is a journey, make it an adventure — including your attitude toward love. Know you will be okay no matter what. Know you will take necessary precautions in being aware of the red flags that signal what isn’t boyfriend material. Know you don’t have to make a guy your boyfriend just because he shows interest. Certainly know you don’t dream of a wedding just because a guy has taken you out three times.
What happened to enjoying men’s company? I’m not talking about hanging out with some guy and getting attached without any sign of interest from him. That obviously leads to disappointment and wastes your time as well.
I’m talking about when you’re out and about, stay friendly and relaxed. Laugh easily. Be open to possibilities. Don’t stick to rigid standards that limit your chances.
Just because you don’t want to fall for a dud doesn’t mean you should live in a fortress surrounded by barbed wire and make yourself impossible to catch.
A Prize Catch needs to be caught. And caught again and again. It is not necessarily a one-time event. Failing to make it work the first, second, or a millionth time doesn’t mean YOU are a failure. It means you never gave up.
The adventure of life includes love itself. Sure you might get hurt. Especially if you aren’t aware of what can definitely hurt you as outlined in all my EGuides.
But you also might find love. The kind of love that brings out and expresses the love within you. Certain risks are worthwhile. It is up to you to decide what ones are worth taking so your adventure can begin.
Do not allow gender equality, political correctness, and other wishful thinking prevent you from seeing what you and everyone else know deep down inside.
Everyone needs to bond. Including men. But women need it more. It’s obvious. Women are more prone to attaching themselves emotionally than men are. In general. There are some exceptions and we all know about them. The sweet, sensitive guy who got picked on in school. The tough chick who does one night stands without feeling anything.
But aside from these exceptions, for the most part it’s true. Women are bestowed the extra emotional element due to having to mother when they have babies. It’s biology.
Until you accept this fact of life, you will have a hard time letting a guy chase you.
Why do I say that?
Because if you think men need relationships as badly as women do, then you will justify initiating contact, verbalizing your interest, and making it easy for him to be in a relationship with you. You will actively look for signs of interest and justify them. Sadly, none of this works. It does the OPPOSITE of what you want.
Even if you’re skeptical of my premise, for your own good you absolutely MUST assume he doesn’t need a relationship with you as badly as you do, in order to proceed with the steps I outline in the EGuides credibly and effectively.
That is why he must chase you and win you over
That is, if you want to know for sure he is interested in you so you can reciprocate appropriately without desperation. Without his pursuit — when as a man he needs a relationship less than you do — guess what? He is even LESS INTERESTED than a woman who turns a man down. Do you understand the nuance?
Pursuing you equalizes things. It indicates an increase of his need for you. When he initiates contact and takes you out, his need for you is on par with your need for him.
When you pursue him, you are doubling your need for him when he remains at zero. Hardly fair and terribly unfortunate for you. Don’t do this to yourself.
A man’s priority
A man’s most important accomplishment in life is NOT a relationship but his career, job, or fulfillment of some ambition. Only after he achieves such things will he say his marriage is the most important accomplishment in his life. Or his children.
But take away his career, his job, his salary, and he will be the most miserable you’ve ever seen and withdraw from his relationships. More unhappy than had he lost his marriage and kept his career.
So even if a man SAYS his relationship or marriage is the most important thing (and you find lots of men saying this publicly), how he would typically react to job loss or financial loss proves it’s not always true.
It all makes perfect sense!
That a guy may not be as relentlessly pursuing you and making you official.
Until he does get that job, get that raise, reach the pinnacle of his career or some other goal in mind, that will be his biggest focus and concern. Getting a girlfriend and keeping a girlfriend, while important, will not be THE MOST IMPORTANT endeavor. This may not change even after marriage.
That is why when dating or a relationship becomes problematic for a man, it seems he is able to let it go. It seems he can move on. He might have difficulty doing so because he is still emotionally attached, but because by nature, he feels he has yet to accomplish the most important thing in his life, he is compelled to not invest in a relationship as much as a woman might want him to.
So he is not going to be as beholden of a relationship as you are. Pure and simple.
A man has to actualize himself
Yes, he does. And you don’t want him not to. He needs to find himself. Know who he is and go after what he wants in life. Without doing this, he is lost, unhappy, emasculated, unempowered, and can’t pursue a woman and maintain a relationship.
And this makes sense when you think about it. Most women (at least those who have some measure of self-esteem and aren’t desperate) do not want a dud. They want a guy who can provide (i.e., is accomplished). They don’t want to date a guy who sits around the house all day and can’t keep a job.
So, when a man is being a man, he is being who you want him to be. Don’t fight it. You won’t win this one.
Now this doesn’t mean a guy won’t pursue you until after he has met his first priority. It just means he won’t be treating the relationship the same way you do, be as worried about it, and be as attentive to the details, etc.
Don’t fight what you can’t change. Work with it. Find ways to navigate around the whole thing that benefit YOU.
So I have reiterated throughout my EGuides and posts that men don’t need to have sex with you to fall in love. So what DO they need?
First, they need to be attracted to you in some physical way, after seeing you in person or a picture of you. The reason this is important is that you want a guy who can be a life partner to you, not a guy who just wants you as a friend he can’t make a significant other out of.
When a guy is not attracted to you physically, it’s a dead end. No amount of his involvement in you will make him be the partner you want.
Once a man can be turned on by you, the rest is up for grabs. This means he can then develop an emotional attachment to you, and be primed to fall in love.
Contrary to what a lot of women are doing, which is having sex with a guy based on the assumption sex will win his heart, it is allowing him to experience emotional fulfillment with you that will get him attached enough to have his heart won.
How Emotional Attachment Begins
He needs to feel the following when he is interacting with you:
1. He enjoys himself when he’s with you.
2. He feels comfortable in being himself.
3. He feels appreciated or admired.
4. He feels understood.
In other words, he needs to feel good to feel safe emotionally. When he feels so good that he feels safe, he will be able to expose his vulnerabilities and thus seek you for emotional fulfillment.
Love Becomes Inevitable
This is almost a guarantee, because men, as opposed to women, for the most part do not obtain emotional bonds easily with everyone in their lives. Women usually get emotional fulfillment from friends and family members, not just from their male partners.
A man’s best friend or closest friend is often his girlfriend or wife. Therefore, falling in love with you is almost the guaranteed result of emotionally attaching to you.
Don’t Fake It to Make It
Now does this mean you’re supposed to jump through hoops to please him? No. You’re supposed to be a Prize Catch with no drama.
Does this mean you’re supposed to keep him entertained with wit and humor? No, not if you’re not naturally witty or humorous.
Does this mean you’re supposed to gush praises and flatter him all the time? No. That is phony and feels phony.
What this means is if the two of you have some things in common and are compatible, there will be a natural flow to your conversation. There will be chemistry. You’ll enjoy the same things together. You’ll both feel so good with each other you’ll be emotionally more connected to one another.
You as the woman also want to feel empowered when you’re with a man, or you wouldn’t want to see him again, right? The same goes for him.
The starting point to emotionally attaching for everyone is feeling good. Therefore, complaining he is doing something wrong, criticizing him or his tastes and preferences, interrogating him, or controlling him in some way is simply going to cause him to shut down.
Of course, if he’s one of those people who are used to being bullied or abused, then he will accept your treatment of him and continue to be with you while being emasculated. A toxic recipe for the both of you, but there are lots of relationships like this.
Hopefully you want a healthy relationship instead. So remember that feeling safe with you by being empowered around you is what allows a guy to become more emotionally open, involved, connected, and ultimately so attached as to not EVER want to be without you.
There are too many people spreading the rumor that if it’s meant to be, it will happen.
Do you really believe that?
If that were true, then people who have suffered are meant to, deaths from whatever causes, including murder, are meant to happen, and women are meant to be raped.
Good things aren’t meant to happen any more than bad things are.
Look, the future is no more written in stone than which piece of candy falls out of a kid’s bag of trick-or-treats.
The only difference is one can try to control the factors that are within one’s control, in one’s favor, and set the pieces in motion to increase the likelihood of a desired outcome.
THAT BEING SAID…
If you have been single for a long time and aren’t dating, this means dating isn’t happening to you as effortlessly as it might for some women. This is a reality you must face and not dismiss.
Therefore, don’t hold your breath, waiting.
More than ever for many, it requires proactive choices on the woman’s part for a relationship to occur today. It is no longer a matter of going about your business and assuming that the universe will conspire to align the stars in your favor.
Sorry. The universe has no such intentions. It is just a body of stars and planets with space in between, teeming with energy, matter, as well as inhabitants of all shapes and sizes that don’t know you, have any vested interest in your personal life, or have any power to make something happen according to your desires.
What are you doing in your spare time?
Hanging out by yourself, sticking to the same circle of friends, or meeting new people?
If you are meeting new people, are there men among them?
If you’ve been complaining on this blog or to friends that you’re single and can’t get a date, it’s time you regard this post as a wake up call.
Whatever you are doing, you’re either investing energy into meeting new men or not. Which one is it?
When nothing is working, change what you’re doing.
Don’t keep doing the same things and complain about the results.
Change might force you to give up your comfort zone. Change might force you to experience major upheaval. Change might force you to face your inner demons you have avoided confronting. Change might bring up unresolved issues of confidence and self-worth.
But until you are willing to CHANGE something you’re doing, you WILL get the same results that keep you exactly where you are now.
There is nothing wrong with staying single and alone. Plenty of women thrive happily in this status.
But if you want to pair up, you have to be prepared to do something totally different and perhaps even, according to some, pretty drastic.
Drastic could be paying a professional matchmaker. Drastic could be taking up a challenging hobby. Drastic could be moving to another part of the country and starting from scratch just for fun.
And if it gets you the results, why not? You won’t know till you try, and try, and not give up.
This has nothing to do with pursuing a man. This has everything to do with changing your life and enjoying the journey.
When nothing else is working, GO FOR IT.