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Why a SUITOR is not a friend or therapist

August 10, 2013

The definition of a SUITOR:

1. He’s a man who is pursuing you as in asking you out on dates in order to spend time with you.

2. He is not a friend you can talk to when you want to vent or feel lonely, bored, or needy.

3. He is not a therapist you can confide in about your personal issues and who can solve your problems.

A suitor is a man who can stop courting you at any point during the dating process. He is free to see other women and sleep with other women.

Therefore, if you talk to him between dates, make sure it is about when and where he’s taking you for the next date, not about spilling your guts out so he knows everything about you, including what might disgust, shock, or overwhelm him.

Will he tell you what’s turning him off? No. He’ll just stop asking you out or disappear.

So, save your words and grief for your friends and therapist.

  • He does not need to know you’re taking anti-depressants.
  • He does not need to know your son is in jail.
  • He does not need to know all three of your ex-husbands cheated on you.
  • He does not need to know you have one year left to live due to cancer.
  • He does not need to hear about your credit card debt.

You are a grown woman and you’re doing everything you can to solve your own problems. There is plenty of time to share more intimate details of your life with him much later in the game.

And don’t forget that it IS a game. You’re either good at it or you’re not. Those who are not have a hard time.

So….give him quality time as in being gracious, friendly, and sweet on your dates. When he has proven himself to be trustworthy, mature, loving, supportive, and ready to take the next step of asking you for exclusivity, you can give him more information.

Till then, you’re BUSY and NOT AVAILABLE to chitchat between dates.

Get the secret weapon in dating and relationships when you Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

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38 Comments
  1. Layla permalink

    Hi The one! As always, you make some amazing comments and posts! I love how you always say we have to diversify our risks by dating many eligible men at the same time and being your best self at dates. My question is, how far can you go with a man, while also dating other men? Can you kiss multiple men who took you on dates during the same period of time, if you feel like it? Can you make out with different guys, as long as nobody has his exclusive “rights” for you yet? Can you even have sex with different men who court you and pursue you at the same time? Sex has to be delayed, but not for too long in my opinion, to avoid wasting time on extremely incompatible sexual partners… What do you think???

    • Anne permalink

      I think a woman can determine (to an extent) if sex will be good or not.
      If you have good chemistry, you feel a natural ‘pull’ to the other person, like the smell, can’t keep your hands off each other, then sex will be good. Actually, what makes sex much better is the unfulfilled desire and anxiety that piles up with time as you actually delay it. I am not saying this is true at all times, but I think this is how it works naturally. And you can determine if you are compatible or not from the above mentioned clues.

      • Layla permalink

        Well, good for you, because I have high sexual standards and know from my experience that these clues are actually not so helfpul. And paraphrasing the words of our favorite The one, “it’s ONLY what he does or doesn’t do in bed to satisfy you and bring you to the highest peaks of sexual happiness matters. Not how wonderful the chemistry is, and how lovely he smells and looks and smiles and touches you. None of those things can or must determine whether he’s a good lover for you or not.”

    • Layla,

      Glad you find my advice helpful! The warning sign is being emotionally attached. The moment you become attached, it will be hard to be a Prize Catch! Having sex definitely will tether you to him. Please refer to the EGuides, specifically “Become His Girlfriend” for in-depth explanations on kissing parameters and sex.

      “Get Over Him & Detoxify” also elaborate on sex, and the Prize Catch Dictionary gives you examples of the consequences of having sex.

  2. alyssa permalink

    But what if it’s a long distance relationship???

  3. carpe diem permalink

    Claire, your not serious are you? Read your last question again. You know what “the one” is going to say. Yes, men that like to “manipulate” can lead to a serious relationship of “manipulation” with you being the pawn. Please, read all of his blogs. Have some self respect and ask yourself, if your daughter had this question for you about a man she was seeing what would you tell her.

  4. marie permalink

    My ex and I stayed in contact via text even after we broke up for about 2 years now. The breakup was due to me moving to another state. The contact has always been very respectful/casual, and he has ever tried anything even slightly sexual in the text.

    I have been thinking about giving things another try, but he hasn’t given me any indication that he’s interested again. Only thing close to that is that he has asked me about several times if I was returning to my hometown (where he lives).

    If I had initiated the breakup, do the rules still apply, or does that even the playing field a bit, allowing me to initiate something? If so, what can I do?

    • Marie,

      If you broke up with him, you had your reasons to do so. Think long and hard why you broke up and why it would work out this time if you get back together with him. How will it be any different?

      In the last two years, you should have been dating other men. You should have moved on. If you had regrets about breaking up, then this shows you should have never broken up with him and could have arranged visits between each other to keep the relationship alive until you were able to work out where you both should live.

      For a lot more info, I urge you to Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to assist you!

      • marie permalink

        HI The One, thanks the advice! I understand that getting back together isn’t a small thing and I considered it for some time now.

        The reason we broke up was because I started school and wanted to focus on that. I figured the distance and new coursework would just make a relationship more stressful than it already is. After we broke up, he seemed very emotional and was adamant about staying in contact every so often. Since my feelings weren’t gone and I cared about him very much, I decided staying in touch via text would be fine. TBH, I thought the connection would fizzle in time, but it hasn’t. Fastforward to now, we still keep in touch about 1-2x a month, mostly at his initiation, but we have not seen each other since I left 2yrs ago.

        I haven’t met any other guys that I feel quite the same for. That’s why I’m having 2nd thoughts. Plus, I feel I have a better handle at juggling things and thought we could try again. But I know I also have to take into account that his life might be very different now too.

        I’m wondering whether it seems like he has genuine feelings for me, or would this all be part of him “running game”? Or does he really just want to be friends? I’m just not sure what to do with this connection at this point.

        • Marie,

          A long distance relationship can survive as long as two people discuss what it takes to maintain it and agree to it.

          Just tell him that you broke up because of the distance and you now want to know if he thinks a relationship can still be possible. See what he says. He can say yes or no.

          If yes, just tell him to come up with ways you two can have this relationship. Will he be coming to visit you? How often?

          Collaborate on how you two can keep the relationship intact.

          • marie permalink

            The One,

            Thanks for the advice–I’ll give it a shot. Hope the time we took apart helps instead of hinder.

            Also, thanks for taking to the time to such thoughtful and objective replies to so many others–this blog is very helpful for building self-esteem in general!

  5. Claire permalink

    I just recently started talking with a new man for about 8 months now. I’ve already met the family and friends. When he’s at work i have the keys to his place so i can be there when he gets in. Thus leaving me with the feeling of where it is that we stand? I ask him and he responds with i stand where ever it is that i choose, he wants what i want, if im happy he’s happy.. everything is real care free to him and its a little unsettling to hear because ive never been told this before when asked about the relationship. What is it that im doing wrong or should i put my feelings aside and go with it.. i just dont want to waist my time.

    • Claire permalink

      The one, thank you for responding back! Actually he does take me on dates, he pays for my meals,movies etc. If i want to talk about my feelings he listens (although he rarely talks about his),and calls majority of the time. When i think on it he does everything correct through his actions and we vibe really well together. EXCEPT he is really manipulative, he likes to test me and will even admit he is testing me because he feels it will show him what kind of women i am, and how far he can take it with me. It’s frustrating because my emotions are all out of wack and he is calm and collective while i’m in my feelings not really knowing what to make of the situation. I can tell he likes me, but i can also tell this is merely a game to him to unlock my feelings. I guess im wondering if men like this that manipulate and test females could it lead to something serious if i have patience,or will it always be just that manipulation and more tests for him?

      • Claire,

        I thought I wrote a reply to you already. Guess it never appeared!

        It’s great he takes you out on dates and initiates calls. But when you get to know a man, you take notes. The information is helpful in assessing him.

        Your notes say he is manipulative and likes to test you and push your buttons. He is okay with frustrating you and toying with your feelings.

        For a lot more info, I urge you to Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

        Hope to assist you!

    • Claire,

      Has he been taking you out on dates? Or did he give you the keys to his place to have you hot and ready at his convenience?

      For a lot more info, Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to assist you!

  6. Ms. Unavoidable permalink

    Hi, so I’m a college student. I’m pretty sure I have a potential suitor on my hands. However, I feel that I try to avoid him and be a “challenge” but it’s nearly impossible. We are both on the same e-board for a student organization, we work at the same place and we have the same classes together in which we spend time together studying for. He talks to me all the time and flirts with me. I’m trying to keep things strictly business and avoid the friend zone. Can you offer any tips on how to be a “challenge” even when I have to be around him and interact because of school related activities. He also instant messages me constantly at work. I like him but I don’t want to be his buddy or friend.

    • First, relax and be comfortable in your own skin. Be breezy and friendly around guys. They aren’t more special than you. You’re the PRIZE! Just be approachable without being easy, friendly without being a buddy, and confident without being stuck-up.

      There’s lots of things I wish to share with you. Please sign up at Get In-Depth Advice Now for confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to assist you.

      • Ms. Unavoidable permalink

        Omg! Thank you for responding! I will definitely follow your advice! You are a godsend! (:

      • Ms. Unavoidable permalink

        Hi , I just have a general question about men. I notice that the guy I mentioned in the post above always mentions women. Every now and then he’ll be like ” I was talking to this girl, “I was supposed to meet up with this girl”. When I’m around him he boldly stares into my eyes like he wants me to be captivated by him and he nonchalantly textes me but I never respond because its not about setting up a date. I notice he always references other women. I suspect that he may be insecure. I feel like he watches my reaction to his statements or when he is talking to another female, as if he wants me to be jealous or react in some way. I would love to hear your opinion.

        Thanks in advance!

        • Good for you for being a Prize! No date guarantees no response. If he’s a suitor, he’ll be able to figure that out.

          He obviously does not know a thing about impressing a female. He is trying to get you jealous to stir up competition and make you fight to win him. (Laughter.) The only women who could possible get jealous would be insecure ones, like himself. Perhaps this worked for him in the past on such girls, only he makes the mistake of thinking it would work on all women.

          You are correct — he is a time-waster. Any guy who talks about other women (unless it’s his Aunt Bessie or baby sister) is one. Also, imagine all the females you’ll be stuck hearing about all the time if he becomes your boyfriend.

          There’s really only one thing to say to him next time he mentions a girl: “You seem to like to bring up other girls a lot.” Then walk away. Maybe he’s on auto-pilot and needs someone to snap him out of it.

      • Ms. Unavoidable permalink

        I also notice that when I completely ignore him and disregard him, he stares at me even more and try’s to engage me in eye contact. I believe that he is a time waster and enjoys the attention of women without actually pursuing them according to your definition. Correct me if I’m wrong. I love your blog!

        • Pursuing a woman takes GUTS. That is why before any woman puts herself on the market, she needs to be truthful and determine exactly what kind of man she will be paying attention to:

          One with guts or one without. Suitors step up and separate themselves from the herd.

          For men, dating is for the valiant. It is for the courageous. It is not for men who feel unworthy and have low self-esteem. It is for men who know they deserve the woman they want, and risk being humiliated and rejected in going after her.

          Dating is not for men who are willing to settle for less, which usually comes in the package of a woman doing the chasing.

  7. Linda permalink

    This is a great blog! Such a tremendous resource…THANK YOU; definitely better late than never. Question: how do I handle online dating? I’m still trying to apply your advice on the pursuer versus the prize…but it gets a little tricky when in this situation, the women also get to peruse through all these single men…do I just wait for someone to reach out or is it acceptable to show interest in someone and then back off to see what interest level he shows? Thank you so much…

    • Linda,

      Thanks for reading and glad you found the blog.

      Please sign up at Get In-Depth Advice Now for confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to assist you one day!

      • Linda permalink

        Thank you so much ‘The One.’ I don’t have the time to deal with time wasters:) so my plan is to apply what I’m learning here–thank you so much for your detailed response; just what I was looking for. Like someone else had mentioned on a different post, I find myself routinely coming back here to read and re-read the different topics…so grateful for you and what you are doing to help those of us who are interested in developing and maintaining relationships where we feel valued, appreciated and loved!! THANK YOU!

    • Linda permalink

      Hi The One!
      I’m interested in getting some more one-on-one direction from you through the single email exchange. Can you send me the link for that?
      Thanks and I look forward to your insight:)

      Linda

      • Hi Linda!

        Thanks for your interest. I sent you the payment link. Once I receive your payment, please wait for my email for instructions so we can get started!

  8. Christyna permalink

    My question is in regards to how to best handle the whole not pursuing a man thing when it’s someone you know and have a crush on , versus a stranger. The man I am interested in , I mainly see at my children’s school. I am separated with my divorce not yet finalized. We have talked many times and I since there is some attraction to me(sometimes he is more talkative and sometimes he will greet me with a hug) but he has never gone beyond that. I guess I really want to know if I should still wait for him to approach me when I see him even though we know each other. Or is it OK to approach/ say hello first? Also is it ever OK to ask if a man is available (no girlfriend) in conversation with him or bring up the topic of my divorce being finalized on my own (without any prompting from him)? Thanks for your wonderful blog!

    • There is a way to do it where he won’t perceive you as aggressive.

      For a lot more info, I urge you to Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to assist you!

      • Christyna permalink

        Wow thank you so much for clarifying. I really appreciate it! I wish I had known all this info earlier. As far as giving off the right type of vibes, I think he may already suspect my interest. Any way to recover from that mistake other than trying to act more neutrally/naturally? It’s been a long time since I have been single; I guess l have a lot to learn. I do know that hugging does not necessarily indicate interest but I haven’t seen him hug anyone else when around me, so I thought that was a positive indicator. I also think its good to wait to date, but at the same time it has been 11/2 yrs of me being separated where I have had time for personal growth. If its best to wait how do I handle it if I am approached by interested men ? Just tell them check back with me when my divorce is finalized?

        • Well, Christyna, you aren’t around him 24/7 so you don’t know who he’s hugging. As a PRIZE, only pay attention when he is asking you out. Everything else is meaningless, causing you to analyze, fret, and be pre-occupied needlessly.

          For more advice, please sign up at Get In-Depth Advice Now for confidential Email Exchange.

          Hope to assist you.

          • Christyna permalink

            Once again you have provided me some amazing advice! I am truly grateful :). You have some very valid points. I will of course continue on my personal journey and know that when I love and value myself first that only good can come from that. Thank you!

      • Sasha permalink

        WOW! Thanks for the insightful comments. I love your no BS approach:)
        “Men who are paranoid about being used financially are usually stingy with money. ” Yeah, I never thought of it that way. Now that you mention it, it makes total sense. Recalling people’s behavior in the past, it IS true that those who are afraid of being used are stingy…not just with money but affection, time..everything….wherever they feel they may be used. And that just reeks of insecurity. We have all had bad experiences where people let us down, “used” us, violated our boundaries but that is no excuse to become “hard”. It is good to be careful, but I suspect those who lack strength to deal with negative experiences show paranoia and become “closed”.
        You know, when he made that comment about being used for money, I did think why he simply didn’t take her out for something inexpensive, or something outdoors if he was so afraid that she was only using him for money. What was the poor girl to do if he only took her out to expensive dinners. She DID show interest by accepting all of his dates so I agree the problem was with him and not about her not texting him enough.
        I’m personally not a text message person and prefer face to face interaction. Most communication is non-verbal anyway. He kept trying to text me too and make small talk but I did not respond. I found it a little irritating.
        And you are SO right about him being needy and having self-esteem issues. He asked me several times on the FIRST date what kind of guys I liked and if he measured up (total turn off). He kept digging into why I accepted his date (as if fishing for compliments). I wish he would have just relaxed and had fun instead of being worried about my non-existent checklist. He was seeking approval and seemed to more interested in whether or not he was a catch.

        Thank you so much for all your invaluable advice! I deeply appreciate it.

  9. Sasha permalink

    Brilliant! I really needed to hear this! But I wonder if some men will be put off or think you are not interested if you don’t chit chat with them in between dates. I remember a guy I went on a date with telling me how he stopped seeing this girl because she never contacted him between dates (although she continued to accept his dates) . He began to wonder if she only thought of him as a meal ticket.

    Now, I agree that if he only chit chats and doesn’t follow up with another date soon enough, it is probably best to discontinue talking in between. However not talking at all or keeping conversations very brief might make a guy back off –thinking you are avoiding him.

    What is your take on this?

    • Men who are paranoid about being used financially are usually stingy with money. Generosity is one of the traits on the checklist for Boyfriend Potential.

      For a lot more info, I urge you to Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to assist you!

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