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Dating is not for Nut Jobs

August 13, 2013

Being a Prize Catch is not an act.

It is not a dress you put on for a few hours to impress a man.

It is not about getting your hair done for that hot date.

It is not about being sweet and feminine if you’re not.

It is about being a sweet, feminine VERSION of you that is like nobody else. Your best self, whatever that may be.

  • Maybe you hate to wear skirts and makeup. Well, find something else to wear that is also feminine.
  • Maybe you like to laugh really loud and be boisterous. Tone it down a bit without sacrificing your personality.
  • Maybe you love being sarcastic. Look, save it for your enemies.

Just be that YOU that is fun, gracious, and friendly. If you can.

Psychos, schizos, stalkers, and other nut jobs do not make a PRIZE CATCH.

If it is terribly hard for you to be nice date after date, then work on yourself. Get counseling.

If you’re not comfortable being a PRIZE, you can’t fool anybody. Everybody feels vibes you’re emanating.

So if you’re depressed, you may be able to pretend you’re happy for the first three dates.

If your life sucks, you may be able to let him think you lead a charmed existence.

If you have low self-esteem, you may be able to fake confidence for a time.

But inevitably, you won’t be able to maintain the facade. He’ll find out the truth eventually. And by then, you’ll have invested all your emotions in the relationship while he is on his way out.

If you need to put off dating and work on being a PRIZE, do it.

Do it for YOU.

Get the secret weapon in dating and relationships when you Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

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28 Comments
  1. jane permalink

    “If your life sucks, you may be able to let him think you lead a charmed existence” you say.

    But sometimes, life is just hard, ya’ know. We can’t wait decades to get it “sorted” before dating!! Though I like your articles, OneTruth, it sometimes seems like in your world the woman should have everything sorted and being on top of everything, so she can present this to the man. If not, she should go away till she’s a “Prize”. Like a kind of Snow Queen. Is that a real woman though?

    • Jane,

      Good point. I certainly don’t ever want women to wait until they are perfect Prize Catches before they put themselves out there. But neither do I want women to be ill-equipped to navigate the dating maze especially in the 21st century where there is confusion in expectations and dating norms, and where women have earning power and technology has made contacting so effortless.

      The main message of my blog and EGuides is that every woman is a Prize Catch. She just has to know she is and let it shine. If she doesn’t feel great about herself or her life, she can talk about it with her female friends, close family member or therapist, but not go to the first guy that dates her and spill her guts. Dating is not about becoming platonic friends or sitting on a therapist’s couch. No guy is looking for platonic friendship with a woman who has problems he has to solve when he asks her out on a date.

      So if a woman isn’t feeling great, she can say work has been stressful or some other general reason when she is on a date. Every guy can understand that. As a guy gets to know you, of course you should reveal more, and perhaps he has a sympathetic heart and is a great listener, and because he is very attracted to you, he wants to hear all your problems and would love to help you out.

      But when you are dating a guy in the beginning, you don’t know he is like that. You don’t know if he is accepting of you because he is falling for you or if he is accepting of you because he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings — but has no interest in pursuing you further. Better to be your best self regardless.

  2. NinaNina permalink

    Reweet hehe.. : )

    —> There is no perfect life for anyone, single or married. So don’t expect either to be the magic cure.

  3. Lori permalink

    I agree. He needs to know that unless he takes you off the market…you are dating others!!! Men are very competitive this way and if they think you are hung up on them alone before they take you off the market…they think you are desperate and obsessed with them…even if you are just being nice/honest.

  4. hi the One . is it okay to date other suitor(s) even if u r in an exclusive relationship? in my case my bf is away working out of the country. would it be okay to entertain urself with dating others? well, that is just an option among other fun things to do, that would just be the very least option i think. just dating anyway, for entertainment purposes ONLY. just to know some other guys too. would that be olryt? i love my bf so i dont have any plans of messing up with him in any way, and im contented with him even if we are in LDR.

    • what i mean is accept dates, sometimes, when u r really, really bored you dont have anything to do and you want to try it because you haven’t tried accepting dates while in a relationship. haha! just some kind of experiment. haha! if the situation would allow it, u know having all the favorable conditions to consider at that moment. 🙂 would my bf probably get angry with this idea by the way? because i would tell him anyway if i will do it. hehe.

    • Cathyap,

      Well, you’d be crossing the line and not being exclusive with your boyfriend. If you don’t want him to go out with other girls, don’t go out with other boys.

  5. Jane permalink

    You are very very wise and thank you for sharing this website with us. I have always chased guys and it leads to bad results. Its hard for me because I am a 6 ft tall woman but I pray often that he will send me someone good. I just wonder why I’m not asked out. I’m very tall but slim and in shape, although I’m kinda shy. Thanks again.

    • You’re welcome, Jane. Generally, men prefer shorter women, but I have seen 6 ft tall women with shorter men. One couple I know is a 6-foot 4-inch woman with a 5-foot 11-inch man.

      I’m not suggesting you find a shorter man, but if you allow a wider range of heights, it won’t be impossible for you to find someone.

      Change your routine, your activities, and anything that might allow you to meet new men. And most importantly, focus on enjoying your own life!

  6. Saira permalink

    Hi The One
    I loved this article. I think it really clarified what a PRIZE catch is. Most dating advice is confusing because they say Be Yourself and then prescribe behaviors and traits which need to be faked if we do not possess them already. Now I get it…being a FEMININE VERSION of your TRUE BEST UNIQUE SELF. My next step is to dig deep into what that might be. I am authentic and believe that I’m a Prize but I don’t behave in a feminine way even though I look feminine.

    I have always followed your advice in the sense that I never initiated, always expected men to step up, maintained my PRIZE status. But being a Prize is hard sometimes. It means letting go of a lot of options and being alone when everyone else seems to have paired up. That makes me feel low and inadequate sometimes. How do I get over these feelings. I have good self esteem most of the time but being single for so long sometimes really sinks it. How does a Prize maintain her self esteem while being single.

    Also, I rarely get approached, especially as I am growing older. I admit that I can come across as serious and aloof and take time to open up. I am confident but reserved. However even when I try to be friendly, feminine, approachable still no one approaches me or asks me out. You said that being a Prize Catch is important even when there are no suitors. How do I do that? How can I feel pretty, desired, feminine when no man ever truly admires me?

    Another problem is how to be more feminine. I am not masculine per se. I look feminine, wear jewelry, make up sometimes, have long hair, have very feminine interests, soft voice etc. I feel very soft and vulnerable inside, care for others, am very sensitive but tend to not show it because people take advantage of me. How should I be feminine without being perceived as weak, incapable or inviting harm because I appear soft? Also, I have a pretty feisty side as well…so how do I incorporate that into a feminine nature. I agree with you on going easy on sarcasm…I have a bad habit of being outspoken, critical or sarcastic which I need to get rid of…regardless of my romantic interests.
    It is hard for me to be light hearted ( I am far too serious sometimes, too thoughtful and worry a lot). I don’t always smile….because I don’t feel like. I am not sad but these things don’t come naturally to me.
    I find it difficult to flirt although I can be funny/mischeivious/playful but flirting is really hard. I can never make eyes, flip my hair, and give out those kind of signals because it embarrases me. What if men think I’m easy? What if they secretly laugh behind my back that I’m giving out all these signals that nobody responds to?
    The thing that really messes with my head is when a man shows strong romantic/sexual interest. It makes me feel so embarrassed and I just get very nervous and try to neutralize things and this ruins my chances. Even something simple as a man staring me down makes me so uncomfortable that I cannot stand it and want to run away from him.

    What is your advice on being a Prize Catch even in the absence of suitors, compliments and romantic attention?
    How does one become more feminine without appearing weak and while remaining true to oneself?
    How does I be a sweet, approachable version of myself when I have a hard time being relaxed, open, and being comfortable with romantic attention?

    • Saira,

      Welcome to the blog and thank you for following the advice!

      Sometimes you can do all the right things and still not meet enough men or get any suitors. However, being too serious and aloof spells “unapproachable.” This becomes a barrier that can block opportunities.

      For a lot more info, I urge you to Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to assist you!

      • Saira permalink

        WOW!! This is phenomenal! You have solved issues I’ve been struggling with for years in a few paragraphs! Thanks for your incisive comments. Yes, certainly I will follow this advice. Looks like I have a lot of work to do! But thanks again for all your help:)

  7. Lita permalink

    Thank you for writing no BS straight to the point articles and advice. Your blog is helping me a lot on my transformation from a woman with low self esteem faking confidence to a real genuine prize catch! As i read other people’s posts, irealized im not the only dumb 32 year old that doesnt know her way around this GAME, it is comforting to know that there are other women out there like me. I am so happy i found your blog that i reread it everyday, to make sure i wont forget! I am a very attractive female, i am independent and have my own business, i play in a band, i am a Longboarder, i am a tattoo artist, i workout everyday so i can say i am sexy …despite of all the cool things i can do, i dont know why i still lack the confidence and feel i am not pretty enough, i grew up boyish , i am every bit who you are describing in this article, i am too rough, i laugh out loud, i am funny and can make men laugh but also turned off because i think i am not showing too much of a feminine vibe. ..after reading this, i am determined to show and work on improving my femininity in the best version i can be!

    • What a full, interesting life you have! Glad you have the determination.

      Remember, not all men want a girly girl all in pink and high heels. You are a Prize because you are you and no one else! Accept and love yourself unconditionally first, and find that feminine vibe in you that you can express in a way that is uniquely YOU!

  8. Jean permalink

    I can really relate to what you’ve written because I’ve always felt I failed in relationships and I’m only 25. Everytime I would get irrevocably damaged, one relationship after the other, until I realized I need to love me before I can love anyone else. Therefore I’ve let go of the guy I’m seeing right now (only 2 dates) who can’t give me what I want (signs of crazy, and laziness) because only I can really give myself what I need. I’m currently rebuilding my self-esteem, by running and going to yoga, and overall I feel better than ever. Note I’m not overweight, I’ve been even called pretty, but the thing is it doesn’t matter what other people think because I don’t have confidence in myself. Finally, this is the chance to believe in myself. Thanks for listening and I look forward to reading more posts.

    • Jean,

      Great you are rebuilding your self-esteem. Glad to be of help!

      • Jean permalink

        Hi,

        I know I said I gave up on that guy who was lazy, but I gave him another chance when he started chasing me after I gave up on him. We had 6 dates, and he was planned 2 more in advance (curling, and chocolate tasting). He always uses coupons though and he sent them to me already! Anyways I called him one time, we had a pleasant conversation, but then he didn’t set a date and time for any of these future dates. He said he would call me again to set it up. It’s been a day later and I haven’t heard from him. He is attending a wedding this Friday. I think I have been fooled… he was in it just for the chase. When he does contact me (for sure I will not be contacting him), I will tell him that it is over. I’m so sorry I didn’t listen to you, the One, but at least now I know that he really wasn’t into me if he didn’t want to contact me after I contacted him. I’m disappointed, but the good thing is, I don’t feel crushed, I feel like I learned a bit more about myself, and I still have some confidence.

        Do you agree I’m doing the right thing?

        Thanks for listening.
        Jean

        • Jean,

          Are you deciding to tell him it’s over because of warning signs of his behavior, or because he didn’t plan the dates fast enough for you?

          If it’s the latter, then you’re letting him go for the wrong reasons. Unless he’s a psycho, a woman doesn’t have to give up on any guy. All she does is decline and accept dates, or decline and accept exclusivity. In the meantime, she is busy enjoying her life, including dating other men.

          For a lot more info, Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

          Hope to assist you!

          • Jean permalink

            Hi The One,

            Thank you for replying to my second message. The day after I wrote to you, he asked me out to the curling date. We are going tomorrow. He isn’t crazy according to your definition. In the beginning I did find him a bit different, but I think he has grown on me. I’m definitely learning to be more patient, and take it easy. You are right he should be making the plans, and I’ve haven’t call him again. In fact he called me after not hearing from me for a few days, and missed me! Also thanks for reminding me to have my own life, and to stop thinking about him. These were bad habits I had in the past, that I would like to let go of in my present. Luckily I do have a wonderful life filled with great family and friends, and my own interests like yoga and running.

            Jean

            • Jean,

              You’re very welcome. What a healthy lifestyle you have! Yes, let him do the leg work. Keep practicing good habits and soon it’ll be second nature. Hope you had a nice time on your date!

          • Jean permalink

            Hi the one,

            I have little experience with dating (only dated 4 men in my life and no LTR) so I have questions about timing and dating. We’ve been on 8 dates. The last two he started escalating physical contact (hand holding, touching my waist, hugging me on the escalator, hugging me before and after the date). But in our last date, when we said goodbye, he kissed my cheek (first kiss), and I said it’s okay to kiss me on the lips. So he did, then I blurted out that I’ve never been kissed before and he said “It’s okay.” (He is 33 and I’m 25). Then proceeded to try to plan another date at the end of the night. But I felt so awkard/felt nothing in that kiss that I kind of just fled. But what makes it more complicated is that he is leaving for a contiki vacation for 2.5 weeks, and I wonder in the back of my head if he will cheat on me with another girl. He keeps bringing up his anxiety about this vacation, since he just met me and doesn’t want to lose me. On the fourth date he asked me if I was seeing anyone else and I truthfully said no, and he also agreed that he wasn’t seeing anyone, so we said we are exclusively dating but not bf/gf. Another tricky part is that he already planned two dates in advance when he comes back on vacation (5k electro dash run/light concert, and music concert). He is on a tight budget, so we went dutch. I know this is against your rules, but the run was my interest, and the concert his interest. I know you told me not to think about him unless he is planning dates, but the way it’s proceeding I can’t help but decide if I want to continue or stop. We are going on one more date before his trip (bowling and bar).

            Sorry about the long recap but my main question is before the trip should I even tell him about my concerns? My first response is not to because I don’t want to show I’m insecure. Honestly with how frugal he is, it doesn’t seem like he’d waste 2 weeks in europe just to sleep with some girl but there’s always the chance. Also should I try to meet other men during this vacation, since technically we aren’t bf/gf. The last question is on physicality… If we are only casually dating at this point, should I stop kissing him because I know deep down I will be more hurt at the end than had I continued to do so. For sure I am not sleeping with him at this point.

            My feelings for him confuse me because in the past all the men I’ve liked have never liked me. Now that I met someone who actually takes me on dates/doesn’t waste me time texting me ( almost no texts unless there’s dates), calls me and emails me ahead of time to plan dates, I feel I’m falling in love more slowly and that he likes me more than me.

            Thanks for your advice. I hope I am not bothering you with all my questions, but I hope if some other girl reads my message/going through the same thing, they can also learn from my situation.

            • Hi Jean,

              Since you don’t have a lot of experience dating, you are probably just scared of falling in love. It also sounds like you don’t prize yourself, because if you did, you wouldn’t worry about him cheating or losing interest.

              Every time a man takes action in taking you out on a date, he is showing you he is interested. That is all you need to look at. Do not concern yourself with anything else. You’re supposed to be sleeping like a princess!

              When he asked you if you were seeing anyone else, you should have said with a wink, “I might be.” When you let him know he’s the only one you’re seeing, you’ve backed yourself into a corner. You’re stuck dating him only and not being his girlfriend. Therefore, don’t give him a straight answer regarding other suitors if he’s not your boyfriend.

              Since he planned two dates in advance already, he is interested in you. That is all you should care about.

              Now you seem to have mixed feelings about him. You mention you’re falling for him, and then you said he was too frugal. If frugality bothers you, then you need to stop dating him. He isn’t going to become a wealthy man overnight. At 33, he probably has had this lifestyle for a while and lives on a budget he’s comfortable with and that he can afford. He won’t be anybody else 5, 10, or 20 years from now. If you can’t accept him for who he is, be merciful and leave him alone. Date other men.

              If you are willing to overlook his frugality because you like him for who he is, and you want to date without anxiety, pain, and confusion, then just let him plan dates and take you out, wherever he decides to take you. Respect his plans and decisions — he’s the man. Don’t suggest something he can’t afford because you’ll end up having to pay for it. If you like more expensive activities, do it with your female friends.

              Otherwise, stop dating him.

              After three of his initiations you can reciprocate with something simple, but if you start going dutch, you will resent him later on. A PRIZE does not enjoy going dutch with a man she is in love with. Don’t wait till you’re knee deep in love to realize your tastes are more expensive than his and he won’t be able to make you happy.

        • Jean permalink

          Thank you the one. You brought up a lot of things I need to consider. After the 8th date I finally asked him where we were going because I wasn’t comfortable kissing him if we were going casual. He finally clarified that when he mentioned exclusive he meant boyfriend and girlfriend, and asked me again just to make sure, so now he is my boyfriend. He’s away on his trip right now, and I’m learning to be a prize catch. Although I am his girlfriend, I’m still living my life to the fullest (hot yoga, rock climbing, hanging out with friends), and he knows that I am elusive. As per the money issues, he was the one who suggested every date, and I only accepted or declined. He also planned a third date (wine tasting, which he is paying) and we will go when he comes back. I’m trying to learn to be a prize catch while he is away by not worrying about his vacation, and just seeing if he asks me on more dates when he comes back. Thank you so much for your advice. All the times in the past I felt like I worried way too much and put in so much effort. These days I’m living in the moment, and enjoying the time we spent together. I really do like him for who he is, but I am aware that we haven’t met each other’s friends or family’s yet, so I will wait and see what happens, and if it takes too long/he doesn’t escalate contact I can always break it off.

          • Jean permalink

            The one I need to be real and say my boyfriend lies a lot. This is a deal breaker and I will be breaking up with him. He lied about who paid his cellphone, he lied when he said he was never in a LTR but was with her for 3 yrs. He lied when he said he wasn’t reading a book but had one in his bag. He lied to his friends and has told no one about me. If I can’t trust him now I can never trust him. Thank you for listening. I feel like I just saved myself some heartache.

            • Jean,

              That’s too bad. You’re doing the right thing for yourself. You saw the red flags and didn’t ignore them. Continue meeting other men and living your life!

          • Jean,

            For the future, remember that a Prize Catch doesn’t ask for a relationship directly. The guy must be the one to bring it up, otherwise he’d feel pressured into exclusivity when he may not be ready and agrees to it simply because he still wishes to see you.

            When a guy isn’t ready, it won’t work because it backfires. This happens a lot actually. A man ends up not being able to cherish the woman as much as he would had he been the one to decide and step it up.

            The best way to deal with not knowing where something is going is to make sure you’re dating more than one man. Otherwise, you’re too focused on one suitor instead of enjoying all your dates and living your life. That way, if one of them asks you if you’re seeing anybody else, you say as if it’s the most normal thing in the world, “Yes, I’m open to dating other men because I don’t have a boyfriend yet. What about you?”

            This lets a guy know he needs to take you off the market if he wants you to himself.

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