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How did SHE get a man and not me?

August 16, 2013

Never envy any girl or woman who has a guy dangling off her arm.

You’ve felt this way. You’ve watched couples walk by. You wonder why them and not YOU?

You start having doubts about your attractiveness. You start being down about yourself and look for flaws in you. This makes you feel worse and you become discouraged and unhappy.

You notice some of these women don’t even look particularly beautiful. They might be overweight, plain, or dowdy. Sometimes the man is hotter than she is. Or she is catty and mean while he seems pretty nice.

How did that happen? What are you doing wrong and what are they doing right?

It’s frustrating and demoralizing. But listen, and listen carefully:

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT SHE HAD TO DO TO GET HIM, or WHAT SHE HAS TO DO TO KEEP HIM.

Perhaps she was the Prize and he chased her. Great! That is something admirable that you want to emulate, not envy. If anything, talk to her about what she did RIGHT because you want to learn from success!

But more often than not, she probably had to do a lot of chasing and tolerating unwanted behavior. Behoove yourself to know this:

  • Chasing a man means sleepless nights.
  • Chasing a man means worrying about where he is and what he’s doing.
  • Chasing a man means being jealous.
  • Chasing a man means being insecure.
  • Chasing a man means being putting your life on hold while you wait for the phone to ring.
  • Chasing a man means you don’t have a life.
  • Chasing a man means getting frown lines and gray hair.
  • Chasing a man means going into panic mode and having mood swings.
  • Chasing a man is desperate behavior.
  • Chasing a man feels bad and is unhealthy.

Because HOW DO YOU KNOW SHE ISN’T….

  • Sick of being ignored because he’s busy playing video games?
  • Lonely because he’s addicted to porn?
  • Crying herself to sleep at night because he’s cheating on her?
  • Working three jobs because he’s too lazy to get one?
  • Having fights with him because he depletes her bank account?
  • Seeing a shrink because he never shows love and affection?
  • Paying for his keep so he doesn’t run off to another woman?
  • Wishing her kids would stop hating her for letting this perve into their lives?
  • Stuck doing all the planning for anything romantic, including buying flowers for herself and proposing to him?

You have no idea the grovelling she had to do to get her man and the thankless task she has to do to keep him — a job that doesn’t reward her anything close to what she dreams to have.

She struggles to keep it all intact just so she can show the world she is somebody’s woman.

So, if this isn’t what you want for yourself, hold your head high and appreciate where you are today. Enjoy your life.

Get the secret weapon in dating and relationships when you Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

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31 Comments
  1. alyssa permalink

    This! This is truth like I’ve never heard before! Its so true how we get so caught up in wanting a boyfriend or getting upset when the guy we like is giving attention to someone else. Or seeing other people with boyfriends. People love to post on socialmedia when they’re significant other does something nice for them but thats all we see what they want us to see. We have no idea how truly hard it is because we aren’t with these couples 24/7.

  2. Tami permalink

    Such great advice! I have definitely been fascinated with the “idea” of him; charming, good looking, good job, a gentleman, nice, sweet, caring, could talk to him for hours…all that. These past weeks have certainly shown me more of the kind of man he is and what I could expect in a relationship. T.O.: You should def do a post on the signs and qualities of a control freak. I gave the easy to digest version of all the back and forth with this guy, but there were a lot of red-flags that stood out as controlling behavior. I just needed to be sure that’s what it was. I tend to give people, including him, the benefit of the doubt even when the truth is staring me in the face. With him, I considered the length of our relationship and thought his opening up was something I needed to take serious.

    Thanks all for the advice.

  3. Tami

    He knows you want him and he is messing with you. You are 36. I am a 40 year old women. Do not waste yourself on this man particularly if you want children. If he has not committed in 8 years to you. Then he won’t. Perhaps he is fond of you or even loves you. But NOT enough to be in a proper exclusive relationship. If he loved you enough then, he’d commit to you because he would want to ensure no other man got you. If I were you. I ditch him and I be very frank about it I.e change my numbers, block him from all social network sites. Then, date other handsome men which, would show me that, this guy is just messing you about.
    Anyway, I hope you have met someone better as, you are still young enough to get a good man. I can be a bit harsh sometimes so………

    Lets see what ‘the one’ advises, I’ve no doubts he’ll have a better viewpoint than me!!

  4. Tami permalink

    Yah, I thought that early on but not anymore. And I’m pretty sure he hasn’t been waiting for me for 8 yrs. he has also been dating, but has failed to commit to anyone. He has seemingly been on the pursuit of marriage since I met him and has always said that he didn’t want to just settle down with just anyone. He is 41 and I’m 36 so I would like to think he is just ready now. Over the years he tried opening up and expressing his feelings but either timing was not right or like now, it just wasn’t clear enough for me to do anything with. He doesn’t have a creepiness about him, but there is something that’s just off about all of this.

    • Tami,

      Beware that keeping this guy in your life like this is like being constantly reminded of what could be while getting rejected over and over. It is torture. You may not think it’s that bad, but then, neither does a frog think it’s dying in slow-boiling water.

  5. Tami permalink

    TO, thank you for your advise. I still have a problem with this man: 1. Over the years I’ve done exactly what you advised. I’d tell him I felt, if I was available and when I wasn’t and I would disappear. He would respect my wishes for a time, and then show up just wanting to keep in touch. But inevitably, over the years we’ve built up a level of emotional intimacy with each other, and came to consider each other as friends. I would “disappear” when we disagreed on being more than friends. This time around, he came to me after a few months of having not spoken and he confessed his feelings to me. So, that’s why I don’t feel like I can just shut him down and walk away. 2. Unfortunately, now, he seems to be exhibiting some controlling behavior. He said what he said, but he has since revealed that a part of the reason he has not fully given me what I want is because he wants me to ‘take control’ of the situation and tell him what to do. My initial response to him, was not negative or anger, and neither did I think he was doing anything more than just telling me how he felt. So I simply replied as you stated, and told him I wanted to see him, and that we could have the conversation in person, if he were serious. -And that’s where the argument began because he made excuses. Now, he’s saying that I should have just told him what to do instead of asking or suggesting. I am totally confused and feel like he’s being a bit controlling by even controlling who how this all plays out. Before I completely walk away I just want to know if I’m missing something and/or what knd of man I’m dealing with.

    I feel like, if I tell him in the way he’s saying that I would be chasing him, and reversing the power-play a little. I also feel that I have more to lose by doing that since its important for me to know that any man I decide to be with will put his wants/needs aside for me and my child. My instincts say its controlling behavior… Or fear. -Which also concerns me. Btw, I’m not in denial over him. I have not been waiting 8 years for a relationship with him. I have been in and out of relationships and dating and focused 100% on being a mom and my career. I just feel somewhat intrigued by him since there was a definite connection in the beginning and chemistry that has yet to fade. He has respected me over the years and hasn’t pressed sex. He’s had the opportunity to leave and move on, he just hasn’t yet. We both agree that, this situation is the make-or-break of our friendship/courtship. I just don’t want to have any regrets either way.

    • Tami

      How do you know he is not married? You hardly see him and he’s always out of town. How do you know he’s not going home to his wife? Then, hoping for some ex marital fun with you? No one waits 8 years if they truly want someone. He sounds untrustworthy.
      Hope ‘the one’ can give you good advice that you can follow!

    • Tami,

      Looks like no matter what you do, he’s unhappy with you. You two haven’t even become a pair and he’s already exhibiting controlling behavior. Is this what you’d like for the rest of your life? A man who blames you over nothing?

      You can’t bank on chemistry. Chemistry is useless if you’re not able to have a relationship. You are in love with him and he isn’t giving you an exclusive relationship or treating you well. He isn’t qualified to be your boyfriend.

      It’s time to ask yourself, “Why am I resisting letting him go?”

      For a lot more info, Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to assist you!

  6. Dear Bell

    I hope ‘the one’ does not mind me adding to Bell’s post. But my friend Lisa was in exactly the same situation as you several years ago. In fact, her soon to be divorced man had already rent out out a flat so, had moved out from the family home. She started seeing him and fell in love with him and thought everything was great. Then, one day several years later, she received a letter from his daughter. Asking her if, she was the woman with whom her dad was having an affair!!! The letter also described how devasted they were and how she ( Lisa) was a home wrecker, she had prevented their family from getting back together etc etc etc.
    It turns out that, although he had moved out. They had ‘never got round’ to signing divorce papers! So, he was still married all along! Lisa was utterly heart broken. Obviously, she left him but, she realised that she had been used. He never really cared for her or he would have got a divorce so, he could be with her.
    If this man’s interest is genuine. Then, he won’t forget how much he likes you in the time it takes to get a divorce. In a way, It’s a good test of his interest. If he respects you. He won’t want to make you ‘second best’. Because that’s what you are if you see him whilst he is still married. Show him you respect yourself and that you do not date married men. You are too pretty and good for that. Plus, Even if he has moved out (anyone can rent a flat)
    .
    Make sure he is divorced then,he can have the privilege of seeing you! My friend was devastated for months and months. So, please think carefully!

  7. Tami permalink

    Hello The One!

    I recently found your blog and have been schooled in so many ways. You are such a god-send for this time in my life. I have an interesting situation that I need clarity on.

    I met a man over 8 years ago. He was from out of town, but we’d met in my town at the time. We had three consecutive dates because he was only in town for a short period. everything seemed to be going well. Then it was hit and miss with seeing him soon after that. He’d come back to my city but I was out of town. For the most part, I had been following all of your rules because he was naturally the chaser/suitor,very old fashioned, and it was easy for me to confidentally follow his lead. After about two years of hit and miss but staying in contact all the while, I ended up back with an ex and also ended up having a child. My ex and I didn’t last long and ended up breaking up. The man in question, wasn’t scared off. He continued to seemingly pursue. But it was not until a year or so after that I ended up seeing him again. He came to a nearby city and we had three consecutive dates. It seemed like the first time I’d met him. Btw, no we have not slept together. He pays for everything and is very much the Suitor. After that, we stayed in contact, saw each other a few more times. Twice I was in his city for business and we got together a few times.

    Fast forward to now, 8 years later, we have kept in contact, have become very emotionally close, and have backed off whenever the other was dating someone else, or timing wasn’t right. But, he always comes back. Recently he came back spilling his heart to me about how he feels about me/us and the thoughts he has. It was very touching but what was missing were definitive plans on us getting together again or anything. Which led to a nearly 3 week argument over the status of our relationship. I was plenty upset that he would make the gesture without planning a next step and felt we needed to stop talking to each other. He disagreed and said it was just bad timing. To sum it up, he then, seemingly out of frustration, said he just wanted to be friends because he can’t give me what I want right now. After all this time, I don’t know how to handle this now. Because of our recent interaction/confrontation, he caused certain emotions to come to the surface and now it’s not as easy to just walk away or back off. I’m a LOT lost here.

    • Tami,

      He revealed his feelings toward you, but he didn’t move you up to the level of girlfriend because he simply CANNOT. You should have respected him as a man and accepted the fact that he has a VERY GOOD REASON for his limitations. Yes, it’s upsetting.

      I have suggestions as to what to say to him. For a lot more info, Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to assist you!

      • I want to say a big THANK YOU! I tend to avoid all forms of Internet based forums, blogs, social networking sites etc but, yours, is simply fantastic! I agree with most of what you say and, more importantly, it has really made me think about what, why, how and if, with any man I meet. This is more important now then ever before, particularly because I am separated with young children. Which brings me nicely to my question for you..

        Recently, a man has shown interest in me, tried texting me all the time which I put a stop too, (v.nicely). I will be seeing him on Saturday because our children do an activity together (last 2 weeks) and we are on the sidelines. He asked for my number, which I gave, hence putting a stop to text conversations (he always initiated). My dilemma is that he may ask me out on Saturday and I am not sure what to do. If it’s with kids it will be no! However, he is likely to ask for something with just the two of us..! The problem is he is coming towards the end of his divorce but, has not moved out of his current home yet (in the next few months he will). His ex wife is someone I see at school pick ups! I am really worried about dating someone who has such close connections to my life and, most importantly my children’s lives. I have no idea if she would be ok about it! What is you’re advice? Leave well alone, before it is too late and I start to like this man more and more? Or, take a chance and keep things very low key? How would you explain low key? It feels a bit like hiding behind the bike sheds at school scenario! I am an honest, open person and do not want to feel I am doing anything wrong. But, it feels like we would be, even though we are effectively single. It’s difficult to know how to handle a sensitive situation that could affect so many people. I am trying to work this out in my own head before Saturday. I need to have an idea because in his last text he said something about wanting to talk to me on Saturday morning..! Any ideas on HOW I can go forward with this?

        He seems lovely, a definite suitor! But, should I take the risk? It is a bit scary and, I am so worried about other people! Our lives are so intertwined! I feel like I should wait until he has moved out of the family home? But, how to say this?

        You’re opinion will be very much appreciated!

        With thanks, from a huge fan! xx

        • Bell,

          Welcome to the blog! Glad you’re able to get something out of it.

          A Prize Catch never dates IN SECRET. She holds her head up high and faces the world without shame or guilt. Therefore, she needs to be single and her suitors need to be single.

          She doesn’t date men who are married, have a girlfriend, or are still living with an ex.

          For a lot more info, Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

          Hope to assist you!

          • Hi The One (& Hannah & co..),

            Thank you for your advice! Actually, thank you for replying at all! I was really surprised to get a reply – it’s very odd to actually think there are real people, tapping away in the background, that you have never met and yet communicate with, on all the things you won’t speak to anyone else about! Ha, thank goodness for the Internet!
            As well as the thanks, I thought I would give a very brief update! We did meet up on Saturday (kids club), went for coffee afterwards and spent a total of two hours together. However, it was a very lame attempt at asking me out. It went something like this:

            “So, maybe we should grab a drink sometime without the kids or do something with them, sometime.”

            We were then interrupted by the kiddies and nothing more was said. I think I may have said “hmmm” or something as the kids started interrupting us. I have made it clear I am not keen on texting conversations with him and I am busy for the next 3 weekends so I will not see him at climbing, I never really had the opportunity to give ‘the reply’ and I have not heard from him since! Though to be quite honest, I am not sure that the lousy asking me out warranted anything further from me, other than what he got..! I am currently reminding myself NOT TO CONTACT HIM, and facing the fact that unless he asks me specifically, with a date and time, then it wasn’t really a ‘asking out on a date’. I’m not sure what that was?! My only concern is that I may be being too harsh and he may think I don’t actually like him! However, without actually making contact, I can’t rectify this. And, to be quite honest, I’m not going to waste anymore of my precious time thinking about it and put it down to experience…! Now, what part of my “prize catch training” had I reached…

            Kisses to you, The One! Keep up the good work. xx (Oh, and Hannah, without being specific, I am very lucky to personally know his final paperwork for his divorce is imminent! 🙂 xx

            • Bell,

              Thanks for the update.

              I still think dating after he moves out and has divorce papers in hand is better. It ensures minimal risk.

              That being said, in these turbulent dating times, lots of men are petrified of asking women in a direct manner as in, “Will you go out with me to dinner at Red Lobster at six in the evening next week Friday?”

              He was just testing the waters by SUGGESTING AN IDEA before plunging in.

              Therefore, a reply to his suggestion would be (after the kids have quieted down!), “Yes, I’d love to grab a drink with you sometime.”

              Then see if he nails down a date and time or calls you to do so. Now if he doesn’t step up to do just that, then obviously he is a time-waster, but you would risk nothing for saying that because you are not initiating — just responding to his suggestion.

              You’re doing the right thing by resolving not to contact him. What you can do next time you see him, which will be after three weeks, is say in the middle of a conversation, “Oh by the way, I love your idea to grab a drink together sometime.” Then remain quiet and see what he does with that.

  8. Hi The One
    Great reply to Kim. I get so sick of being friends with women who cancel ‘meeting up’ because some guy has asked them out. Then, when they go exclusive, you hardly ever see them (unless their boyfriends are busy). How sad is that! I often wonder how, they can enjoy life with only the company of one man. Plus, where did their original lives go?
    Its great that you are showing women that, they must learn to have a life and be happy without a man! That means: pursuing their own interests, seeing friends and finding other activities to pursue other than just dating!
    Keep up this message!

  9. Kim permalink

    Its certainly does sound logical. Its true that we can’t judge everything at face value. But that doesn’t mean that all couples are going through the same thing. Some couples are genuine to each other while some just prefer a partner for the sake of display. Truthfully speaking, if a man really loves you, you don’t even have to keep him, because he will stay with you. But if you tried so many ways to keep him, I think its best to let him go and not waste more time on yourself. Someone who appreciates you better is probably waiting for you to be single again:)

    There’s nothing wrong with being single. I think instead of uploading a post on devaluaing relationships among certain couples, I believe that uploading a post about singlehood is much more relevant and will definitely make a lot more single woman appreciate themselves more.

    • Kim,

      I certainly am not the one devaluing relationships. In such relationships as described above, the women devalue themselves. I am just sharing my observation of the fact so readers know what can happen and hopefully avoid it. And maybe even be thankful they’re single!

      Of course there’s nothing wrong with being single. A woman who is single should know she is still worthy just because she is the Prize. Being a Prize is not identified with having suitors or boyfriends, as I repeatedly state throughout the blog.

      I’d love to write a book about the fabulous single life, but for this blog it probably isn’t necessary to discuss it because it’s pretty much preached throughout here that self-worth and living a full life is EVERYTHING. With or without a man. PERIOD.

  10. I was having a moment of “how could my friend from high school [we’re both 30] be on her SECOND engagement while I can’t even get a boyfriend” self-pity. I really appreciate your list to put things into perspective.

  11. Kosen permalink

    Thank you very much for this excellent blog. Very helpful. Question–are you married? If so, for how long? How many times have you been married? Thank you again for sharing your insights. You have clearly helped many people.

  12. Anonymous permalink

    Wow!!!!! this is what I needed to hear

  13. O-Ren Ishii permalink

    Thank you for creating this blog. Seriously. Thanks.

  14. Itay permalink

    The truth, I’ve often observed this behavior. In fact I have a few friends who, yes, are married but they had to move heaven and earth and wore their guys down to get them. Now, they have their (Prize). Their husbands are nice guys but clearly don’t value or adore them. My friends complain about the lack of affection, love, etc… in their marriages. But, then they say they are glad they are married! What a price to pay!

  15. Shaina permalink

    Oh my God, this is so true! Appearances can be deceptive and we never truly know what the whole story is. Also, I believe that just because someone is ordinary in the eyes of the world (ie. plain looking compared to the commercial/socially accepted ideals of beauty, mediocre in talent, intellect) doesn’t mean they lack other extraordinary traits of character that can attract a mate who might be ‘extraordinary’ or ‘high status’ in the eyes of the world (rich, powerful, hot, fun etc.). I think we get too caught up in external markers of value and ignore the intrinsic that makes us valuable.
    That said, I cannot help but feel envy for those women who have truly devoted and amazing men. I don’t wish them ill but I feel bad about myself as to why I cannot have that. You are right, it would be wise to learn from them than indulge in self pity.

  16. Orihime11 permalink

    So true…you never know what’s going on behind closed doors of someone else’s situation. I’ve been guilty of that envy myself seeing other couples around and such. But thank you for talking about this, because it’s confirmation of things I’ve been taught long ago growing up. My mother always told me never want what someone else has because you never know what they had to go through or do to get it.

  17. Ms. Unavoidable permalink

    You are simply amazing! You hit it right on the nail. How you get it them is how you keep them. What you compromise to get , you must compromise to keep! A hard lesson I had to learn.

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