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Are you an Excuse-Maker?

September 11, 2013

If you aren’t heeding red flags, you’re probably making excuses. In fact, excuse-making can become such a habit that you can convince yourself pigs fly.

Don’t ignore red flags only to pay for it later. And pay for it dearly!

Do any of these ring a bell?

  • He’s not taking you on dates, but hey, at least he’s liking your Facebook posts.
  • He makes you go dutch but hey, you can afford to pay for your share.
  • He only takes you out on last minute dates but hey, it’s better than sitting at home alone.
  • He flirts with your best friend but hey, she’s pretty.
  • He’s not giving you a committed relationship after all this time together but hey, at least he introduced you to his Mom.
  • He takes it out on you when he’s upset but hey, it just shows that he cares.
  • He cracks jokes that hurt your feelings but hey, maybe his sense of humor is different.
  • He disappears from your life and reappears at his convenience but hey, there’s nobody else in your life right now anyway.
  • He pressures you to have kinky sex that you’re uncomfortable with but hey, at least you’re HAVING sex.
  • He hates your friends and family but hey, he can’t help it if he loves animals more than people.
  • He likes to put you down but hey, at least he isn’t hitting you.
  • He let’s you do all the initiating but hey, you have to or nothing will happen.

Call a spade a spade when you see a red flag. Don’t hide it under the rug or put it on the back burner. DON’T MAKE EXCUSES.

There is a reason why it is called a RED FLAG. It’s to warn you there is something WRONG and you need to stop what you’re doing and change course, or you are settling for pitiful crumbs and will be in for some serious regret.

Get the secret weapon in dating and relationships when you Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

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20 Comments
  1. hey what do i do if i can relate to at the least 4 of the things u mentioned up there? do i let go of him? what if he realizes his mistakes and apologies? should i think he changed for real and accept him? or is the change just going to be temporary..? please gimme an answer

    • Scarlet,

      Let him go because can you really change someone? You might influence him but he alone has to be the one to decide to change, not you. Plus, until you let him go and allow him to step up and demonstrate proof he is behaving differently, you don’t know if he can change or wants to.

      You know someone’s change is real when his behavior is different. When it is the same or it reverts back to the old one, you know there hasn’t been change or whatever change there is is only temporary. It would be your decision to continue being with him or be done with him, depending on whether or not you want to tolerate his on and off behavior.

      The question is, what do you deserve? Do you deserve someone you can trust to treat you like a Prize Catch? Or do you deserve a man you’ll never be at ease with, because he isn’t to be trusted with how behaves toward you?

  2. I’m passionate about you, The One. Lol in a totally nice, normal way. But seriously. You RAWK!

  3. Mariah permalink

    The One – love your site! Your approach is refreshing & honest. I generally tend to take a “prize catch” approach, but every so often I really need a kick in the pants to keep applying it in real life.

    Here is my current situation – would love your thoughts. There’s a guy in my life whom I would have 100% called a suitor. For some time he has consistently initiated and planned dates, picked me up, picked up the bill, and followed up to make plans to see me again. In between dates he makes contact to plan the next one and it turns into some chitchat, which I usually keep brief. We have great chemistry and connection, so I am gracious and generally give signs that I’m enjoying myself with him. He has expressed that he is developing feelings for me and would like to see where this goes. However, he hasn’t outright asked for exclusivity and as of a week ago has stopped initiating contact. Not sure if he’s not interested or just busy or dealing with his own issues. It happened right after he learned that I was considering an out of state job offer. I’ve decided against it (not bc of him, just wasn’t the right thing for me personally) – should I reach out to tell him in case that’s the issue? I know I should just focus on my own happy life instead of pursuing this guy, but I truly felt a mutual connection and hate to leave potential on the table – it’s been a long time since I’ve felt this way about a suitor! On the other hand, I know rationally that if he’s interested and worthy he wouldn’t go radio silence and make me wonder why. What would you recommend?

    • Mariah,

      Welcome to the blog! Glad you love it!

      Did you ever reciprocate? Get the EGuide “When & How to Reciprocate” that explains everything.

      Because when you reciprocate, you’ll be able to tell him, “I also want to let you know I don’t plan on taking that out-of-state job anymore.” But who knows if that is even the reason he hasn’t gotten in touch with you. You’re only speculating.

      When a guy doesn’t contact you again, he could be overwhelmed, busy, or for a host of other reasons. One of them is he doesn’t think you’re the one. Maybe the connection you felt is one-sided.

      It’s only been a week. You’re not his girlfriend, so why owe your allegiance to him? You need to be dating multiple men until one of them takes you off the market.

      So get busier. Get passionately absorbed about something besides him. Meanwhile, let him miss you so much he’ll want to see you again. That’s when you can reciprocate and let him know.

    • Dear Mariah,

      Thanks for posting a while back on my dating blog.

      I just want to let you know I am offering private advice with more analysis and feedback via confidential Email Exchange. If you ever need to, sign up at Get In-Depth Advice Now.

      Hope to assist you!

      The One

  4. hopelessly passive permalink

    of course, you are SO right. why settle for less when you can have so much more (emotionally) thank you xx

    funny how you mentioned my self esteem .. i always get that from close friends/family i really should give my self-worth a makeover. 🙂

  5. hopelessly passive permalink

    i apologize for blowing up your post but TheOne, we need you here girl!! .. another thing i want to mention is that he has said here & there that he is broke, i know he has lots of responsibilities for his age, he always manages to make money somehow so its kind of hard to believe he knows i dont care about money! he looks up to his older buddies (way older than him) & they all dont have girlfriends, last year i ran into one of his friends & we started talking about him & he accidentally blurted out that [my guy] felt i was too good for him.. his other friend that was with him immediately told him to shut up.. my mother told me it might be because of his lack of confidence, that he has to go for girls on a lower level than him to make him feel better about himself.. i know for a fact we inspire feelings of responsibility within eachother & we both feel we need to accomplish alot still, when we first started talking we both also said that if we were to be in a relationship it would be the real thing, we couldnt date in a ‘fling’ kind of way. i dont want to let him go because i truly care for him but im starting to get a bit frustrated, perhaps i dont show enough interest through text message but when im with him i act completely different always asking him questions to show i care & making him laugh & pecking him on the cheek when i get the chance, & make sure we enjoy each others company ( i never know if it will be the last time i see him)i get the impression that he needs the type of girl that will push him & lead him & tell him how it is but i am totally not that girl, we both have high egos so that might be something too. all the guys that chase after me i really could care less about, i ignore them after 2 weeks, i like a challenge thats why i want to be that girl that cracks his heart wide open just for me… im always the one telling girls exactly what you post here, people treat you the way you present yourself & dignity is something that stands out nowadays, once again thank God for you amazing blog… TheOne what would you do if you were me??!

    • If I were you, I’d know that no matter how much I want a guy, if he doesn’t give me what I ask for, then he isn’t the one for me — NO MATTER HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM AND CARE ABOUT HIM.

      It doesn’t matter what his qualities are. It doesn’t matter how you feel about him. How does he TREAT YOU?

      A relationship is a two-way street. He must also be as crazy about you as you are about him. If he isn’t, you won’t ever be happy. You’ll always be confused or sad. Is this the life you want to live?

      You don’t have to live in a constant state of deficiency. You don’t have to prove to him or any man you’re loveable and worthy.

      Starting today, work on your self-esteem. Love yourself more. If you don’t have self-worth, you can’t live a life of a Prize Catch.

      If you don’t feel like a Prize and you act desperate instead, your dating life will be full of anxiety, confusion, and pain.

  6. hopelessly passive permalink

    also i should add; yes we have hookuped – i made him wait 6 months after meeting him and respects it when i dont want to have sex. yes he has disappeared a few times but always seems to come back anxiously apologizing for being distant, and when we first started talking he asked me why i never text him first, i just replied with sorry ive been busy working. (but really i refuse to message him first) hes met only 1 of my friends the one night he asked me to bring out a friend for his buddy. the rest of them all wonder when they will meet him and call him my mystery boyfriend. hes brought me around alot of his friends and they all seems to like me. i only see him about once every 3 months sometimes 3 days consecutively. he can be so affectionate then by the end of the night all serious all over again, first guy i meet that i cant figure out, as i mentioned he kind of reminds me of me.
    everytime we hangout we have such a goodtime and it makes me like him even more.. maybe i do want him as a boyfriend but have made myself believe i dont just to feel better about his situation. my question is, do i initiate more often now or keep doing what im doing? thanks again

  7. hopelessly passive permalink

    first off, I love this blog! about time! can’t wait to share this with my gfs 🙂
    dear TheOne; I’ve been seeing this boy on & off for the past 3 years I dated an ex In between for a bit (they both didn’t know) still kept in texting-contact with him, we’ve gone out on dates, when his father passed away I was the only one there for him, it’s clear to him I care about him. i always wait for him to message me first & i never bring up ‘where do we stand’ questions; few months ago when he was drunk (drunken words are sober thoughts?) we were cuddling & he told me that his friends ask him why he hasn’t made me his gf & is bcus he can’t offer me everything I deserve right now, he doesn’t want to hurt me & he cares alot about me but doesn’t want me to wait for him, he also mentioned his mom refers to me as her daughterinlaw hes not really a sweet talker so i know he would lie about that. we’re only 21, I don’t necessarily want a bf but I seem to be holding on to him so tightly, he is the male version of me & im a really relaxed person who doesnt initiate anything i hate it. I think he’s the same way so maybe that’s why it seems to go nowhere? I feel like I love him, at the very least as a friend. am I wasting my time? should i be showing more effort? is this a red flag? thanks*

    • Welcome, welcome! Yes, do spread the word about this blog, thank you!

      Remember, there are many ways a guy tells you he can’t make you his girlfriend, besides saying “I can’t make you my girlfriend.”

      He offers a lot of reasons why. He can’t offer you this or that. He isn’t ready. He isn’t good enough. Etc, etc.

      You let him cuddle you, text you, and see you whenever he wants. There is nothing more you can do. He won’t step up no matter what, because of the reasons he stated.

      You can believe his reasons and move on so you can save your time and devotion for a man who will step up and give you exclusivity.

      Or you can refuse to believe his reasons and pretend all you have to do is show more effort or come up with some gimmick to convince him you’re the one for him.

      A guy will not say no to female attention IF HE HAS NOTHING BETTER TO DO. Clearly and evidently, HE HAS NOTHING BETTER TO DO.

      He can’t make you his girlfriend, and has nothing better to do, so he accepts your company. He doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, and he doesn’t mind your company because there’s no one else in his life right now.

      If you want to play SECONDHAND SUZIE, this is who you are to him. You’re not the Girl of His Dreams.

      Knowing you’re not his dream girl, you HAVE to stop seeing him. You deserve to have a BOYFRIEND!

  8. Kara permalink

    Dear The One,

    Thank you for answering my question personally. I really appreciate it 🙂
    No we are not exclusive. And it takes every ounce of my strength not to contact him, because that was my recurring pattern in the past. Thank God for this Blog. It changed my whole perspective on dating and relationship.

    I take everything you said by heart. And will surely date other men.

  9. Kara permalink

    Dear The One,

    Thank’s for this post. Again it is insightful as usual.

    I have a question. I have been seeing this new man for about a month. I went out with him a few times. And in between we don’t communicate regularly. Unless when it is about him asking me out. But the last time after we went out, he disappeared for about ten days. With no word at all. It was a bit confusing for me cause I thought we had a great time. I did not initiate any contact as you always suggested.

    But then he contacted me again, asking me how things are and asked when can he see me again. Should I continue on seeing him, or just let this one go?

    • Kara,

      Good you haven’t initiated contact. That takes self-control.

      Now, are you two exclusive? If you’re not, you should be seeing other men. Because you’re not seeing other men, you’re overly focused on him and wondering.

  10. Paris permalink

    The One, you are truly my best friend inside my head! lol! I wish I had found this blog earlier. I wish you could see me giving you air fist bumps after I read your columns. Keep up the great work. You are priceless! *another air fist bump*

    In my last “situation”, I saw a ton of red flags AND ignored the excuses made by friends and family for his poor behavior. This dude was a certified loser man child who had a ton of mixed messages and lies. He had gotten so frustrated with me at one point because I didn’t play the typical naive girl role that he was so used to. Ha! I’m a grown woman and grown women don’t have time for that nor do we have time to chase a man child for the reciprocation of his affection. I exited way left. I left him flat on his immature hind parts to play that game by himself. I kept it moving and immediately met another man. There’s always another. Now let’s see if this one is fit to be a Suitor….

    • Paris,

      A fistbump back to you and glad to be your “best friend”! And glad you know the red flags now, and can see clearly the limitations of this man. Bravo for having the courage to exit and move on!

  11. What makes us not see these Red Flags? I had a situation where I dated a guy for about a year. We both were not at a place to be in a relationship ( I was homeless, and he was jobless). So we ended. About a year later, I had moved back to my hometown and he wanted to give it another try. Said he was ready to marry me. Had a new job, car, and a few other things in place. That lasted for about 7 months. He then told me, again, I am STILL NOT READY! However, if I had this RED FLAGS BEFORE THOSE 7 months lol I would have been alot better off. I know that he loved me etc I don’t doubt that but with all his emotional ups and downs ( wanting a marriage one day, one day not wanting it) And even when we broke up! He called back a week later saying he wasn’t happy with his choice. I decided to not stay by his side this time. Though I loved him very much and believed in his future, I couldn’t take the emotional rollercoaster. 3 months later I find out he is dating another woman and I laugh! because he told me he wasn’t ready or wasn’t interested in anyone else and now he has another. i know he is hurt and mad I didn’t stay by while he grew up etc but I should of seen red flags before ( 5 and 8) but bc I had no other issues I didn’t. I don’t want to judge his new relationship but its hard bc we are in the same church, he won’t barely look at me and he ignores me and it is so crazy that how he is reacting based on a decision that he made. I should of waited the second time around to see if he actions matched his words.

    Learning now,
    lol BLAH!

    • Glad you’re learning now!

      We don’t see red flags either because we don’t know what they are a lot of times or we do know but ignore them due to excuses we make.

      In your case, you probably just didn’t know what the red flags were. But you obviously know now!

      His red flags as far as I can see from what you’ve written:

      – Mixed messages (changing his mind)
      – Saying he’s not ready
      – Emotional instability
      – Immaturity

      Chalk this up as a lesson learned. Thanks to him, you won’t be repeating that mistake again!

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