Skip to content

Are you OBSESSING?

October 29, 2013

You’re thinking about him A LOT.

You pretend to play with your phone, when it’s really to check to see if he sent you a message.

You’re texting him back. RIGHT back, instead of waiting 24 hours.

He’s even appearing in your dreams.

There is only one problem.

He doesn’t take you out on dates.

You don’t mind dreaming about him at night, though. That’s the only time you get to see him.

You also don’t mind sleeping with him when he does show up in real life, because how else will you ever get close to him?

This is called OBSESSING. When you obsess over a guy, the symptoms are:

  • Stress
  • Anxiety
  • Confusion
  • Pain
  • Loneliness

The biggest symptom is YOU PUT YOUR LIFE ON HOLD.

Answer these questions to shake yourself out of your self-made delusion and wake up to reality:

1. Does this guy know you exist?

2. Does this guy only see you in your panties or naked? And only on his phone or computer?

3. Does this guy take you out to a public venue where he behaves like a gentleman and treats you like a prize, as on a D-A-T-E ?

4. Does this guy want you as his exclusive girlfriend?

5. Does this guy even care whether you’re alive or dead?

Unless a guy is treating you like he treasures you, trying to fill up your schedule, and eventually wanting to be yours exclusively, he doesn’t deserve to be on your MIND at all.

Be careful. Obsessing can turn into addiction. One can be addicted to anything in the universe, including A MAN.

When that happens, he becomes your DRUG OF CHOICE. You get your highs off him when he’s around.

When he’s gone, you start obsessing and maintaining the delusions so you don’t go into withdrawal, which is more anguish, more torture, and more suffering.

Yes, you can’t get enough of him. Yet you hate yourself for it. You hate him too for doing this to you. You wish he’d go away, since you don’t have the will to cut him off. Yet when he does leave, you feel like dying.

Don’t make a man your drug.

Get the secret weapon in dating and relationships when you Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

Advertisements

From → Posts

80 Comments
  1. NinaNina permalink

    Sharing. If I could post this…

    Emotions – addictive thing

    when in love with someone – your brain is hit with massive surges of dopamine (brain scans have
    shown that our minds follow very similar patterns when influenced by
    cocaine or nicotine).

    when it’s post-breakup – your brain doesn’t fall out of love with them… it simply continues to be in
    love with them, but you no longer have access to them.

    And, like a crying baby who doesn’t have access to his mother that it so yearns for, our minds “rejector stimulus” is on overdrive. We simultaneously feel the pain of abandonment, the deep craving for a “fix” of our drug (aka partner) of choice and our once-regular hits of dopamine and oxytocin are nowhere to be found.

    after a break up – your happy chemicals are replaced with a flood of cortisol (stress hormone) and
    adrenaline.

    It’s almost as if your body is saying “Here’s a rush of energy… time to get up! Either work your ass off to get that one back, or go make yourself a more valuable partner and find someone else!”

    your brain after a painful break up is highly similar to the brain of a drug addict in rehab.

    • NiniNina,

      How interesting! That’s why detoxifying from a man is such a painful process and avoided by many. Hanging in there believing and hoping at least continues the supply of dopamine.

      Thank you for the post!

      • NinaNina permalink

        Yes. That’s right. *sad

        And this might help…

        (to always love yourself. give yourself a lot of love instead trying to get it from someone).

        Whatever your ex gave you, you are likely still suffering because you barely give yourself any of the emotional benefit that he gave you tons of.

        So the action step part of this section is to start giving yourself the thing that he used to give you.

        Like a bird who lands on a tree branch only to have it break out from underneath it’s feet, you still have wings. You can make yourself soar without him.

        The end.

        Thanks, The One!

  2. MNRC permalink

    Thanks for the advice, I think I’ve finally snapped out of it. Erica Jong wrote that advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t. It’s so true here!

    I do have one last question that I’m not sure was addressed in this blog. For women 40 and over whose dating pool has shrunken since their 20s, doesn’t acting like a Prized Catch drive off a lot of men? I can pretty much say with 100% certainty that if I acted this way this classmate will disappear.

    Also, I don’t feel think this classmate really knows who I am since I am a shy person. Would it make sense to stay friends with him so he gets to know me better?

    • eSPy permalink

      You seem really determined to be your classmate’s friend, but from personal experience I can tell you if you remain friends with a man who has no interest in you it only hurts you. It seems like you believe if he got to know you better his feelings would change. He’s seen you every week for a whole semester and he hasn’t initiated anything outside of schoolwork so he’s probably not interested enough to be a suitor. You say if you were to present your best self by being a prize catch he would disappear. Let him. He has appeared as a suitor so he shouldn’t be on your radar. Whether you’re 40+ or a twenty something he has a girlfriend. If you stick around as his friend who hopes it will one day become romantic you will instantly be in a masochistic situation. A man doesn’t need to see you as a more open version of your reserved self for him to pursue. He’s seen you, conversed with you and has chosen not to pursue. You can be friendly without being his friend. Don’t be afraid of any man disappearing it just means he doesn’t have suitor stamina and you would be doing all the leg work. That’s not what you deserve. You’re getting a Masters you are highly intelligent and have a lot to offer. Don’t sell yourself short and don’t settle for a man that doesn’t see you as the goddess you are! You don’t have to act like a prize catch be a prize catch let him show you why he’s worthy of your company, time and energy not the other way around. Best wishes!

      • eSPy permalink

        *not appeared

      • MNRC permalink

        Thanks, eSPy!

        “A man doesn’t need to see you as a more open version of your reserved self for him to pursue. He’s seen you, conversed with you and has chosen not to pursue.”

        I think you really hit the nail on the head here!

    • MNRC,

      Making time-wasters disappear by being a Prize Catch IS what you want. By sheer process of elimination in prize behavior, you are well on your way to meeting the right one.

      Also, men don’t need to know you MORE to be interested in you or fall in love with you. Men size up what they see VERY QUICKLY.

      You can spot a man who isn’t into you: ZERO SENSE OF URGENCY on his part in making you his.

  3. MNRC permalink

    Hi The One, thank you for this great blog. It has the best advice on dating for women that I have ever seen!

    After reading your blog I realized that I may have made mistakes with a guy. He is a classmate in grad school and seems kind of shy. At the beginning of the semester he offered to tutor me every week even though he has a full-time job and goes to school at night. It seemed very generous of him, so I thought maybe he liked me. On a Friday night I wasn’t thinking and stupidly emailed him about meeting up before the midterm. He agreed and we met up next Monday. After talking about school for a while he tells me he has a girlfriend! So, I decided to forget about him after that.

    But in class he would come to my seat to chat, wave at me from across the room, and invited me to a meetup and an internet study group (I didn’t go to either). Then one day as I was walking to class I see him sitting outside the classroom. When I say hello he gets up like he had been waiting for me all this time and walks with me into class. He didn’t have anything to say, so it was awkward and I tried to make conversation and went to my seat.

    After this I asked if he could tutor me again. He said he was too busy at work and invited me to his internet study group. I am also a shy person, felt uncomfortable in the group, told him I couldn’t contribute anything and thanked him for the invitation. He emailed back to stay in the group so I can compare homework solutions after I catch up.

    So… I don’t know what is going on with this guy?

    • MNRC,

      He already told you he has a girlfriend. So he’s off limits. Don’t even consider him an option or potential. If seeing him makes you uncomfortable or stirs up feelings for him, don’t join his study group or allow yourself to be alone with him. Just tell him you’re busy.

      I have lots more to tell you, so please sign up at Get In-Depth Advice Now for confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to assist you.

  4. jane permalink

    The One,
    I have another question. Ugh, this dating thing seems to be really hard.
    Ok, we are in commited relationship, he says he is in love with me, and even updated his status on facebook accordingly.
    We had a small argument on the phone today, it was not even an argument, I made a stupid remark about his facebook friends (most of them are girls), and though I didn’t say this exactly, but the sense of the whole thing was that I don’t really trust him. He got really upset about it, and after we finished our conversation, he texted me how upset he is about what I said.
    We had a date scheduled for tomorrow, we had scheduled it last week. So he texted that we should definitely discuss this issue tomorrow, and asked me not to text him until we meet.
    I am pissed off, and don’t really know what to do. Obviously, I won’t text him. But should we meet? Or should I just ignore any calls from him? Technically he didn’t do anything wrong, I am just pissed off at his text.

    • Jane,

      You’re angry because he accused you of not trusting him and tried to blame you for your feelings. What is he doing on Facebook with these girls? Does he flirt a lot in general?

      Remember, if you aren’t enough for him, he doesn’t deserve you.

  5. N.C permalink

    The One,

    What I had in mind was exactly what Sapna said. Whether it is possible for a guy to chase a girl that he doesn’t even necessarily have any feelings for, but he just feels strong sexual attraction towards her and therefore would be willing to do everything it takes just to get to her pants? I was also thinking whether it could be because he used to get girls so easily and so then when he comes across a girl that seems to be a hard target it makes him want to chase even more, as it common knowledge that we crave what we can’t have?

    Thanks,

    N.C.

    • NC,

      The smoother the man is, the more savvy and suave, the more you should wise up and really pay attention. Not be alarmed, but just be aware. Might be better if you stick to men who are more reserved, more straight-laced, or less exciting.

      For a lot more info, Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

  6. N.C permalink

    Hi the One,
    Quick question, how long can a guy possible chase after just sex? Would he bother to waste his time for more than a year if he didn’t even like the girl in a least possible way?

    • N.C.,

      I don’t know exactly what you’re asking. The proof of a man liking you is that he chases you. Period.

      You don’t know till he takes you out on dates repeatedly. If he can keep it up and do it again and again, he’s chasing. A guy never chases a girl unless he feels she is worth his investment. Look for his ACTIONS.

      • Sapna permalink

        Dear The One
        I believe NC was asking and I want to also ask too- is it possible that a guy will chase a women for a year only for sex or make a huge investment in her just for sex and as soon as he gets it he will be gone? For some guys winning can become all consuming and once he gets the sex–even if it has taken one year–the thrill is gone and so is he. I believe what you say works as a general rule but not a guarantee.

  7. Ashley permalink

    I had a few dates with a guy. I found him very unique, interesting, yet kinda annoying. I found myself getting obsessed with him. I’m still thinking about him and it’s been over for awhile now. This is unlike me. With someone I just go out with for a bit and it’s over, it’s usually over for me. Yet, it’s not happening with this guy. I feel really confused. I want to get over him, yet I can’t. I feel angry because there wasn’t much to get over in the first place. Not much happened and the sex wasn’t even good. What is going on with me?

    Thank you,
    A

    • Ashley,

      When you make a man the Center of Your Universe, you depend on him for your happiness. You don’t feel okay unless he is giving you what you need.

      You have a vacuum in your life, and it is filled by a man because there is nothing else there you are busy and passionate about. Find something healthy that you can focus on such as a hobby, a new project, activities, personal goals, career moves, and anything that you can sink your teeth into and be inspired by.

      You’re annoyed and angry because you’ve made him the solution to your needs and the source of your well-being. Start focusing on living a full life without men. Increase feelings of self-worth.

      Detox from men. They aren’t going to be the solution to your problems, now or ever. Not even if one becomes your husband. Do you know how many unhappily married women there are out there? Tons! Why? You mean to tell me walking down the altar didn’t do the trick?

      I only offer a REALISTIC PICTURE of what’s going on today. There is no fairy-tale. This is the 21st century. Women do not have to rely on men for economic survival. Women definitely SHOULD NOT rely on men for their happiness, or it will all come crashing down hard and fast.

      • Ashley permalink

        Thank you very much. That really speaks true to me. In high school and college, I never made a man the center of my world. I’ve gotten older and now I’m getting more serious about marriage. Yet, just because I’m more serious about marriage now doesn’t mean I change who I am. So I’m now going back to NOT making a man the center of my world. I can still be open to marriage and do that.

        Thank you!

  8. AnaBanana permalink

    Hey The One,

    OMG I just discovered your blog and I absolutely LOVE it. I’ve read through every single post and article and now I’m completely planning on changing my behavior and my point of view…

    Until this day I’ve probably done everything wrong. I seem to attract a lot of guys, but they’re losing interest super fast, bc I’m just too available. I’m always down to hang out and chat for hours and talk to them about EVERY stupid topic there is. I always thought that it was something that guys would look for. And I would act like that around them no matter if they were potential boyfriend material or not. Because I always said that I just like having guys as friends. They’re so chilled and relaxed and I just like hanging out with them. Now I see that they probably never wanted to be my friend in the first place, which makes me a bit sad. I mean isn’t it possible to just have a guy as a friend ?! I know that I don’t want anything more than that from them, but I wonder if they do ? I want them to hang out with me, bc they want to be my friend and not just a potential hook-up or whatever. So with those kind of guys I tend to act different. I write them initially and everything sometimes, bc in a friendship it’s just different than a relationship. But do they even consider that? Like just having me as a cool friend to hang out with?

    I never had a huge group of girlfriends, but lately I noticed that always those girls who tend to hang out with lots of other girls, attract the guys and end of up with boyfriends. And me, who always hangs out with guys and acts “cool” with them, gets nothing. I feel like I’m just too loud and too much of a party girl that boys would consider me as a girl friend. But do I have to act all the time and be all nice and girly? I mean I am just very extroverted and sometimes loud and outgoing and drunk and everything. I wonder if they (potential guys I might like or just random ones) just see me as a bit of a slut, bc I’ve made out with someone when we’re going out a few times and I just have a lot of “guy friends” (for ME they’re really only friends). Is that an instant turn-off for guys, like a no-go? I mean I know that the guys that I consider my guy friends would never think about dating me (i don’t even want that), but what is the message I send to other guys out there? Like when they see me hanging around with lots of boys and loving going out and everything?

    So should I change my whole “image” ?

    • AnaBanana,

      Yes, you should. You should become a PRIZE CATCH!

      • AnaBanana permalink

        Hm okay.. You answered my questions half-way.. I still want to know more about some parts..
        like, i like guys as friends, JUST as friends. Is it possible for a guy to just be friends with a girl? Or are they always “hoping” there could me more to it ?!
        and how is it possible for a girl to just be friends with guys? OR: what is the message that i send out to other boys (i may see as potential boyfriends) when i hang around with a lot of boys. do they think i’m just an attention whore or a slut? even if to me they’re just friends…?
        and can’t i just communicate with boys over Facebook or whatsapp or whatever? i mean if some guy i know (i don’t fancy him) texts me.. i mean, i need to reply? but that again leads to the whole guy-girl-friendship and what if they’re into me, but i’m not into them ? i mean i still need to reply, bc it’s rude to not do it.. right? i hope you get my point… how do i not come across like a stuck up, arrogant bitch if a boy texts me casually.. i mean i can’t know what his intention is and i can’ assume that everybody wants to date me… oh my, this is getting complicated, i’m sorry..

        • If a guy is interested in you, he’ll let you know. If he doesn’t let you know, there is no point in wasting your time wondering if he is. Leave it to his responsibility to step up and show it and prove his interest. Why wrack your brains?

          A prize catch sleeps like a princess.

  9. Bjones permalink

    This is Bjones,

    Thank you so much for your feedback, it was honest and to the point, there must some sort of need in my life that I have not taken care of that’s why this pattern of obsession, stalking and hounding is repetitive. I’m 20 years old and in all my years of living, I’ve liked two guys, the first one which I ran off with my stalking and obsession, and this one that I probably have already run off.

    I wonder what that need is and how it can be met. I can’t afford therapy so I’m hoping you could stake a stab at it. How do I start again to value myself and recover from this dating disaster, was I not enough that he would want a relationship even after we had such a great time together?

    I don’t know. I guess my question now is, how do I let him go and move on? what if he contacts me? what do I do then? How do I start to be not desperate?

    I’m a big sister to two adolescents that I’m responsible for and we live alone too so I have the tendency to mother everyone and control every situation so I guess I care about people even hen i’m not supposed to, it’s innate. I’, barely taking care of myself but I take care of my people and responsibilities, could all these be factors as to why when I meet someone that remotely notices me, I want to latch on to them for dear life because I fear no one else would?

    Thank you
    Bjones.

    • Bjones,

      It looks like because you have such big responsibilities looking after your siblings, you extend your controlling behavior into dating.

      Remember you must have two different behaviors. One for being the guardian and caretaker, the other for being a PRIZE CATCH when you’re out and about and on a date. Do not mix the two.

      Carve out a bit of time for YOU, where you can take better care of yourself and love yourself more and more each day. When you treat yourself like a beautiful precious newborn baby that needs all the attention and love in the world, then you will empower yourself and feel stronger and better about yourself.

      Loving yourself is not selfish. It is NECESSARY. When you feel worthy and deserving, you become attracted to men who feel the same way about you. That is why you must feel good about you and take the time out of every day to do it.

      Every day, do something FOR YOU and YOU ONLY. No matter what it is. As long as it is healthy and good for you. It could be a walk in the park. It could be reading a book. It could be taking a longer shower. It could be watching the clouds go by. It could be eating a healthy snack.

      And tell yourself morning, noon, and night good things about yourself. Forgive yourself. Accept yourself.

      Build your self-esteem every day. When you experience high self-esteem, you stop controlling men and chasing them because you feel too worthy to do it. You enjoy letting them chase YOU!

  10. The one,
    So I met this guy on the dating website plenty of fish. We had been texting and snapchatting for a little over two weeks. This recent Saturday I met him for the first time. We went to his house and watched a few movies. We were cuddling and one thing lead to the next. We ended up in his bed and had sex. After he played his guitar for me and was teaching me about guitar. After he took me home and said he was going to text me and he did. During the movie he said that next time we hang out we will go out somewhere and do something instead of just hanging at one of our places. He texts me good morning every morning and we talk throughout the day off and on. He is so sweet and calls me beautiful and pretty and tells me I have pretty eyes and always says the sweetest things to me. He told me that he thinks I’m fun. This morning he texted me good morning and said that he wished he was waking up next to me. I really like him but I don’t know a lot about him and he doesn’t know a lot about me. Our conversations are usually about his music or he is complimenting me. He hasn’t asked to hang out again so how do I know if wants to or not? He says he likes me but I want to get to know him better and hang out with him but he hasn’t asked me to hang out again yet. What do I do?

    • In a nutshell: Move on. You didn’t let him court you and take you out on dates. You hung out, texted, had sex, and did everything but date.

      He didn’t date you, so he never was interested in you. He was bored and had nothing better to do. He’s moved on already. So should you.

      Read all the articles on the blog to find out how to be a prize catch. Until you do, you won’t know which end is up!

  11. Beatle Girl permalink

    hey The One! I was seeing this guy and we went out on a couple dates which were very awkward. For our first date he took me out for dinner and a movie and he paid for everything although I had offered to pay my own share. We were watching a scary movie, which had 2 very cute girls in it, and out of nowhere he said, “Could you imagine yourself with 2 little girls like that?” I was like “WOW! I can’t believe he just said that on our first date.” It was too soon and too awkward. When we got out of the movie theater, we got in his car and he reached for a kiss, but I gave him the cheek …..ugh! I felt kind of stupid and didn’t know what to say; I wasn’t expecting it to happen that quick. But on the other hand, I felt like he was moving too fast for me and was just trying to get some. He took the whole thing very personal and didn’t talk to me.

    2 months later I asked him out to go for drinks. It was the most awkward conversation ever! First, he talked about his ex-girlfriend (ugh!) so I figured he’s probably not completely over her. Then, he started talking about “womens’ biological clocks” and how much pressure we all get from that, then he said I was “material enough” to meet his mother, and last but not least he said we had “met for a reason”. It gets better. So right after that, he shows me a picture from his cell phone of his naked torso………I kept thinking to myself “WHAT THE HECK!” I just felt like he was trying too hard the whole time. Too much too soon (at least for me.)

    What’s your take on guys like these and them dropping hints or making that kind of weird comments? I kind of get the feeling that he’s desperate. He’s 35, has a sister who’s 30 and just got married, and his younger brother has a girlfriend. I just feel like after that happened I’m not that into him anymore. What to do in these cases? How to deal with it? Is he a jerk? Move on? I just can’t stop thinking about this. Please advice.

    • Welcome to the blog.

      Why was it awkward for him to say that? You assumed he meant you and he having the two little girls together? Wow, that’s jumping into conclusions! I certainly didn’t get that out of what he said. It sounded to me he was just saying for YOU having the two little girls.

      Two whole months went by and he never asked you out again. That alone screams “I am NOT interested in seeing you again.” Yet you asked him out instead.

      His behavior on your second date doesn’t tell me he wanted to impress you. Therefore, he just isn’t interested.

      When you initiate a date with a guy, you are inviting to be treated poorly. That is what happened. So move on.

      I have no idea what kind of guy he is. All I know is that he isn’t interested in you.

      There are only two types of men you ever need to categorize: time-wasters and suitors. He is of the former.

      Don’t concern yourself about him and what he’s about. What kind of woman are YOU? Are you a prize? Do you feel worthy? Do you value yourself? Do you value your time? What are you doing each and every day to live a full life?

      That’s all that matters. What you think of yourself and how you live. When you hold yourself in high esteem, you never resort to desperation and chase men.

      • Beatle Girl permalink

        Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it. I didn’t assume that he wanted to have a kid with me, but I just felt it was awkward to talk about that when you’re barely starting to see someone you’re getting to know. It just came across to me as desperate; just uncomfortable and totally unexpected. I never had any guy ask me that on a first date.

        Also, since I gave him the cheek when he reached for a kiss, and he didn’t talk to me again after that happened do you think that’s a good way to test and filter out the potential jerks from the good ones? Or is that just a turn off for men? Maybe this question sounds redundant, but I’m trying to re-learn my role as a woman and not chase men, but it’s SO hard! It’s happened to me before that I take things too fast with guys and then I end up getting burned only to find out they just wanted one thing. Or it happens that they take it as the woman “not being interested” when it’s not the case.

        What’s your opinion on taking things slow and taking the time to know someone? Do you think it’s best to have a friendship first and let things evolve over time instead of forcing something to happen? And what do you think about that popular saying old people tell you whenever those things happen, “What it’s meant to be, will be?” I was reading through some of your articles and you mentioned all one needs to do is to accept a date to show interest in a man. That’s what I did but it seems that apparently that’s not enough these days. I just find it so frustrating that things get so difficult during these times when it comes to relationships. It just feels like men and women don’t have a clear role anymore and that women are so aggressive in that sense and that men have become SO passive and lazy. I’m just not sure how to be anymore…… 😦 Sometimes I wish I was born in a different time.

        • Beatle Girl,

          Remember, those old-fashioned times didn’t allow women to vote, have their own bank account, get certain jobs and educational opportunities. So you’re stuck with these times we have now of more freedom and opportunity for women, and fewer men pursuing women.

          So what if you let him just kiss your cheek. If that alone keeps him from asking you out again, he can’t handle a challenge and therefore, won’t know how to step up. A guy has to make effort and work hard to win your heart. That’s what you want. You don’t want a guy who can take you or leave you, right?

          Some men are lazy and passive today. It’s the sign of the times. It’s not YOUR fault. You didn’t make them that way. And if they become lazy and passive and don’t pursue you, it’s not because YOU are not attractive enough or you turned your cheek and turned them off.

          I have more to say to you on all of this. For a lot more info, Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

          Hope to assist you!

  12. The One,
    Thank you thank you thank you! Now we have that out of the way, can I just say how hard it is to unlearn years of chasing behaviour! But I have, and will continue to! I am waiting to see if I’ll get asked on a second date after a very promising first one, but so far nothing. It’s a weird situation because when the first date ended I asked him not to escort me home as it was an online dating meet. He dropped me off in a safe place and then texted 30 mins later asking if I was on my way home yet because he was still near the drop off point and would I come back to meet him? I didn’t go because I needed time to process, I’m wondering if this put him off asking for a second date? Anyway, I won’t obsess over it, I’m going to keep busy. But just curious,
    Thank you again!!!! You are a gem.

    • Rosie,

      How could you have possibly put him off just because you were on your way home and it was already late?

      You did the right thing by turning him down and not going back to meet him.

      I have more to say to you on all of this. Please sign up at Get In-Depth Advice Now for confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to assist you!

      • I really appreciate your feedback, he’s passed the four messages now so I’m moving on 🙂

        • Rosie,

          Very smart! Four messages…you’ve been paying attention in class! 🙂

        • Couldn’t reply to your second comment so just writing this here. I thought you’d laugh to know that he had actually called me and I didn’t realise until two days later. I called him back and he asked me out 🙂 It’s only one days’ notice though? If he asks again with less notice I’ll be too busy.

        • The one, he’s a total time waster. Ugh, I’m feeling really defeated. Like seriously. Cancelled the date then calls and asks me to come over? Hell no. But, I’m sad 😦

          • Rosie,

            Sorry he cancelled! Remember though, the more info you have of him, the better for you. Now you KNOW he’s a time-waster instead of just suspecting he is one!

  13. Olive permalink

    I was just thinking the other day about my career moves and lack thereof. It’s because I pick a dream to munch on until I get bored of it, until my brain no longer receives a… dopamine? release from constantly thinking about it.

    This blog made me realize I do the same with men. I fall in love with the idea of a guy and think about a relationship until the idea of it stops serving its unrealistic dose of happy.

    Yet I’m too afraid to pursue a career because there are Oh! So many careers to pursue. And I don’t like to respond to a man’s pursuit because the smart men whose conversation I enjoy want someone smart or easy. (That’s been my experience, at least.)

    I’m off to mix more academic classes into the wonderful but unfocused glob of art classes I’m taking. Thank you for the therapy session!

  14. Olive permalink

    This is so SMART. I love the ideas of:

    You get your highs off him when he’s around.
    And
    When he’s gone, you start obsessing and maintaining the delusions SO YOU DON’T GO INTO WITHDRAWAL.

    It’s a refreshing way to look at perhaps the psychological aspect of it.

  15. Anaisse permalink

    Thank you so much for publishing this blog. It’s been such an eye opener. If you have time between the myriad of messages you get, I wondered whether you could help me out. I have had a male friend who I never considered because he tells me about his escapades with women, dating 3 at a time, etc, and generally grossing me out with stories of one night stands, etc. Yet, on my bday he buys me flowers. He takes me out to dinner, lunch, coffee, and when I need him, he is there. Lately, he’s been missing, not initiating contact. I am not sure how to react to him now. If it were someone I was romantically involved with I would wait for him to do the work, but how does this work with a friend?

    • Anaisse permalink

      He’s also still single.

    • Anaisse,

      Welcome to the blog. It doesn’t matter if a man is your friend, a total stranger, or an acquaintance. A man shows interest in you if he takes you out on dates. However, he may also only be enjoying your company without taking it further.

      To know if he is at all serious, I can offer you more clues when you sign up at Get In-Depth Advice Now for confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to assist you!

  16. Anaisse permalink

    Thank you so much for publishing this blog. It’s been such an eye opener. If you have time between the myriad of messages you get, I wondered whether you could help me out. I have had a male friend who I never considered because he tells me about his escapades with women, dating 3 at a time, etc, and generally grossing me out with stories of one night stands, etc. Yet, on my bday he buys me flowers. He takes me out to dinner, lunch, coffee.

  17. debbie permalink

    this exactly what i needed to read…thanks 😦

  18. Ms. Thang permalink

    For some reason, I have a tendency to attract “bad boys”. The following is what helped me before I found this blog. As soon as a guy does something that is a deal breaker, dump him… immediately. It is so much easier to get out early. It was a deal-breaker, so I did not even explain what I was doing; just immediately went “no contact”. At first it is hell, but you get over him is a few weeks if you do this. The longer you stay in it, the worse it will get with someone like that.

    This would happen because I would get “involved” too quickly; because they were not even showing me that they cared. That kind of behavior will make you obsess over someone when what you really need to do is detach! I read somewhere that getting out of something like this quickly is like having a splinter in your finger. If you pull it out immediately, it starts to heal immediately. However, leave it in and it gets worse and starts to get infected, pus running, etc. After reading this blog, I do not even plan to get involved with someone unless their actions show that they are truly interested, treating me with the utmost respect and taking me on dates! Currently, I am working on myself and enjoying life and know that I will meet that person soon. Thank you, The One for this blog. It has helped me so much.

    • Good analogy on the splinter. Glad you are seeing everything so clearly and know what you deserve!

  19. Anonymous permalink

    Hi do you have a twitter account?

  20. Bianca permalink

    Ugh, had a strong connection with boss (who is also a celebrity). Been working with him for about 6 months and just recently shared a passionate kiss after months of flirting ( sharing a bed with each other before sex though) which led to us sleeping together shortly after. I’ve met his mother both children and all his friends throughout the course of our working/sexual relationship. Nothing’s changed professionally in fact he still shows me affection, still text etc but we still haven’t talked about where this is going, he hasn’t taken me out on a date yet, and I also need to tread lightly as he is my boss!! What to do now 😦

    • Bianca,

      You got yourself in an unfortunate situation where you fell in love with a man who doesn’t feel the same way toward you. He has not courted you. He has only slept with you. He is not interested in you. He will NOT be dating you now or ever.

      There’s more I can tell you, so please sign up at Get In-Depth Advice Now for confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to assist you!

      • Bianca permalink

        Wow! I’ve worked so hard on being professional that this mistake is really hard to swallow. Do you think we can still maintain a professional relationship after this? I most definitely will be able to resist him as my career is everythinnnng to me but after we had sex even his business text have a sexual tone. Is there something specific I should say? Oh and to top it off coincidentally he hasn’t been answering my text for a week.

        • Don’t respond to his sexual undertones. Ignore them, and pretend it’s a minor distraction or joke. Reply with, “Oh, right. Okay, anyway as I was saying…”

          Always speak and act very professionally. Keep all your communication very businesslike. Stay busy. If you can resist him, good for you. Don’t allow yourself to be in an intimate setting with him. And if he doesn’t answer your text, good. You don’t need to be texting him at all unless it is about business.

          Chalk this up as a lesson learned that you never sleep with a man who has never courted you properly, much less your own boss.

          I have more to say to you on all of this. Please sign up at Get In-Depth Advice Now for confidential Email Exchange.

          Hope to assist you!

      • Bianca permalink

        Oh and FYI we only had sex once.

      • Bianca permalink

        Thank you so much for taking the time out to answer my questions. Although I’m still confused and angered by his actions I know this could have been avoided if I had practiced better self discipline. Unfortunately this could mean losing my job. Couple last question then I’m done I promise 😁

        1. Does courting work the same way if you’re celebrity? As far as dinner with ONLY 2 ppl and casually dating a woman without it being All over the blogs the next Day.
        2) he’s been unresponsive prior to the one time we had sex but do you think maybe I’m taking it extra personal now because we had sex? Which leads me to my next question we had unprotected sex that one time where in which he never pulled out. We had been “dirty” talking prior to that and he told me he was going to leave it in because ” I was his” . I didn’t take it seriously until we were in the act and he indeed did not pull out! I took it upon myself to take the morning after pill but should I have convo with him regarding that? This whole sexual encounter occurred about 2 weeks ago.

        • Bianca,

          It doesn’t matter if he’s a celebrity or not. Being famous, he can easily arrange a date in a place where he won’t be detected. It will take some effort and creativity on his part.

          Of course you are more sensitive now to his behavior toward you due to having had sex with him. That is what sex does to women who are emotionally open for a relationship!

          • Bianca permalink

            Thank you so much for giving me clarity on this situation. I’ll be using your practices from now on and any man who I sleep with moving forward will know he has a true PRIZE on his hands!!

  21. M.A.R. permalink

    I have a tendency to do this but this blog helped me to avoid obsessing about a recent crush who I later found out had a girlfriend. But I wasn’t devastated because I didn’t ignore the red flags and I ignored all his meaningless texts and emails. I love this blog.

  22. Paris permalink

    Um…so I have a confession to make. I’m totally obsessed with this blog. Yes, I’ve been checking it weekly, daily, sometimes in the wee hours of the morning, just hoping for a new post to get a high again. Much to my surprise, a new post showed up in my inbox this morning. Weehee! The cycle starts again. I can’t get enough! True story…. lol Great article and thanks for another hit. You, The One, are officially my Pusher.

  23. Thank you The One for posting this. This post is so timely. I struggle with this. Obsessing can lead to feeling so scattered and ungrounded. It feels shaky and unsafe. It’s hard to get things done when one feels “off-centered”. I tend to slide into depression eventually and then start to get sloppy with the way I dress and my life. Although, I have learned a little trick that seems to be helping and offers relief. Whenever I start to obsess, I set a timer on my phone for 30 minutes and I light a small incense stick and I tell myself firmly to “come back to myself”. Then I watch my thoughts and if they start to revolve or obsess around a non-suitor/time-waster (and they do, ALOT), I gently remind myself that is my time and I deserve this time. I try not to beat myself up, but remind myself that right now I am with myself and it’s okay. By the time the timer goes off, I feel more comfortable and at ease. Sometimes the effects of this can last hours or days. It’s empowering to give yourself time and attention. This little trick helps me feel like I no longer need that from a non-suitor/time-waster.

    • That’s great you have a way to get yourself out of the doldrums!

      Remember, you’re the best thing going for you. So when you have YOU, it’s all good!

  24. Hi Sue

    Have you read Dorothy Tennovs book on Limerence. This book should help. It explains that infatuation or Limerence is also a biological reaction that is involuntary. Most people (not all) have experiences it at some point in their lives.

    It’s your body’s way of trying to ensure procreation with a physically compatible person. But, our biological processes take no account of logic or situations. Men suffer from it equally and can fall faster because they are more physically orientated. So don’t feel bad.
    Limerence is not where you want your infatuation to end up. She gives some practical ways of ending or reducing your infatuation if, it is unrequited.
    But exercise and re focus onto activities about which you are passionate should help. No contact, no pictures, no Facebook etc.

    This blog is also super useful as, it will help you refocus onto the realities of your situation and enjoying your own life again.

    Good luck.

    Hannah

  25. Sue permalink

    Yes, i subscribe every word of Jennifer, I am on the same page, it is taking two years from then… when will I be free?? I try to ignore him…

  26. jennifer permalink

    Hi the One- love your site and blogs. I am in this state right now where he is like heroin and I am in withdrawl stage and its making me crazzzy! How do you cut this drug addiction when you are already in so far and you have made a fool of yourself enough already and deep down I know he doesnt respect me but I am consumed by him. I wish there was a quick fix to remove his eternal presence from my thoughts, any advice?

    • The bear went over the mountain permalink

      I went through EXACTLY what this post describes, for two years .. and it’s hard to believe I’m saying this now but I successfully clawed my way out of this situation and don’t look back. What helped me immensely was Pat Allen’s book “Getting to I Do”. After I wised up to being used, each time the guy texted me/called me late at night I said no, you need to take me on a date if you want to see me again. Three more times in the course of last year he called, and each time I said no. It was agonizingly incredibly painful, physically painful even, but I did it. He still went through my mind every day, it was so hard to get rid of those obsessive thoughts, it really is like a drug addiction. …. And then …. and then 6 months after his last call I met a wonderful wonderful man. And addiction guy went >poof< from my mind completely. So three concrete recommendations that really helped me and I'd like to pass along are (1) do lots of reading about relationships, and about the way men think. Look up Allen's book on Amazon and you'll find tons of other books too in the 'people have also looked at' section. Doing all this reading will keep you busy AND will make you superprepared for a really good relationship next time around and will help you learn how to spot the right guy(s) for you. In addition (2), find ways to meet other men. Everyone, including The One, says date multiple men. The reality is, for most women this is not a reality. We are not surrounded by swarms of eligible men. But you can find creative ways to meet more men, like going to more business conferences & events, volunteering for a charity, going to sports events, etc. Finally (3) use this time to assess yourself honestly and find ways to make yourself more attractive. I started working out all the time, lost 20 lbs, started wearing makeup, found a very flattering hairstyle, paid careful attention to my clothing and always wear skirts and heels. You'll not only find that this gives you a way to distract your mind, you'll find as a result that the quality of man you attract will be way higher than Addiction Man. That's what happened to me, at any rate. Good luck! (p.s. I also like the suggestion below from Red Rose about 30 minute timer for me-thinking.)

      • Excellent!

        • BJones permalink

          Hello,

          I didn’t see a link to post a direct comment but I have a few questions, i’m hoping that you can help me with. Your website has some legit and invaluable guides by the way, thanks.

          I met a guy online and about one month later of some deep conversations about life, enlightenment and generally some over sharing on my part about my life and family, he came to my city, but not to particularly see me, even though he did contact me a day before to let me know he would like to see me when he came in town. We met and we had a great time hanging out, it was completely natural like we completed from where we stopped in a previous love. The only physical contact we had was kissing and a little heavy petting but he was completely gentle and actually only followed my lead physically after he requested to kiss me.

          He left after two days and our relationship has been taking all kinds of turns. First was the conversation on what to do now that we were in different cities and what are relationship status now was. He says he is trying to figure his life out and doesn’t want anyone else involved in this process besides him. He also says that he’s not looking for a relationship right now, he can only allow himself “glimpses”. since then, things have not been weird or confused, they’ve just been weird, like how do I act, what do I do? how do I turn around and make myself a challenge after over sharing about myself and making him think that I want to be in a relationship with him because he did say that if I was “hung up” on a relationship, then we should probably talk less than we are.

          It’s just that he’s nice, and i’ve never really had a guy like him in my life before but I want to be a challenge, I want to be a prize, I want him to chase me even after all that has happened. How do I do that? Right now, I text him, maybe 10 times as far as initiation goes to every one he sends me.

          How do I become a challenge again? How do I not put him on such a pedestal so that if he does decide that what we had was just a fling, I won’t be hurt or disappointed?

          Thank you.

          • Bjones,

            He never asked you out on a date. He only hung out with you. He was never interested in you. And he told you so even AFTER he got to know you, enjoyed your company, and engaged in deep conversations with you.

            That tells me loud and clear that in spite of seeing you in person and being with you, he STILL wasn’t interested…just like the beginning. He has not changed at all.

            I have more to say to you on all of this. Please sign up at Get In-Depth Advice Now for confidential Email Exchange.

            Hope to assist you!

          • Wait…you’re texting him ten times? I thought that was a typo!

            That’s stalking. Don’t be a stalker. You are scaring him away if he’s not already. If you continue to contact him, you will only further hurt and disappoint yourself.

            You can’t make a guy interested in you if he isn’t. He never was in the beginning, and never shall be. He told you loud and clear he doesn’t even want a relationship. So give him up and work on your self-esteem. Pay attention to YOU, not him. What’s going on with YOU that you would blow up his phone when he never even took you out on a date?

            Hounding and stalking a man are desperate behaviors which a PRIZE CATCH would never resort doing, no matter how much she wants him.

            He is a good conversationalist. That’s all he was and is. It’s over. Get a life that’s worthy of you!

    • Jennifer,

      Welcome to the blog. You have to start a self-imposed detox program.

      Let me show you how! Please sign up at Get In-Depth Advice Now for confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to assist you!

Post a reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: