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You’re not the exception

December 20, 2013

You might think you’re prettier than than she is, than anyone he’s been with.

You might think none of the women he’s known have what it takes to snag him.

You know you can dazzle him with your smile, style, or conversation.

Hey, your friends think you’re wonderful. Why wouldn’t he?

You believe you’re extra special or different.

Well, maybe you are.

But HE remains the same. He still hates being pressured into a relationship and being emasculated.

In fact, he dumped the last girl because she nagged him and made threats when he didn’t do what she wanted.

The previous one lied to him that she was pregnant, to keep him.

The one previous to that thought he wanted to marry her just because she met his Mom.

And he’ll never forget that one who left over fifty text messages all in one day, after he ignored her.

Yes, he wants someone special. A Prize Catch. But don’t delude yourself to think all you have to do is be a different girl with a different name to make him YOURS.

He’s not going to care that you are prettier, funnier, smarter, sexier, or make more money than the others. That may capture his attention at first, but that is not what will keep him around.

You may be EXCEPTIONAL, but you’re not the exception.

So STICK WITH THE PROGRAM. Know your worth. And act on that.

Unless you do, you’ll join the list of females who couldn’t win his heart because they forced their way in. They believed too much in their “specialness” and forgot to be and act like a PRIZE.

If you are a PRIZE CATCH, you don’t assume anything:

You don’t assume just because you’re ready, he is too.

You don’t assume just because he’s pursued you, he wants to make you his girlfriend or wife.

You don’t assume just because he told you he loves you, he will love you forever.

You don’t assume just because he let you spend the night, you should move in with him.

You don’t assume just because he says he wants to have kids one day, that he wants you to bear them.

You bank on YOU. The work you do on yourself, your self-esteem, your personal goals, and your life.

Get the secret weapon in dating and relationships when you Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

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24 Comments
  1. Hi The One

    I have a new question. What do you have to say about a guy who is a suitor but very social, warm friendly, flirty etc. with a lot of other girls. He may not be pursuing them and has boundaries but is a little too popular with other women. He is even on great terms with all his exes although there is nothing between them. Is such a guy worth keeping or is it merely jealousy on a woman’s part if her beau is very popular in general, especially with women and is on excellent terms with everyone.
    Now any man who is a good catch is likely to catch the attention of other women as well. Besides, who wants a guy is in unpopular with other people, especially women. But what if a suitor is just too desirable to others and even if he is technically not crossing boundaries, he seems to really really like everyone and everyone seems to really really like him and he is always surrounded by women.

    My issue is more about exclusivity and specialness. Somehow I feel that no matter how popular one is with the opposite sex, a special kind of attention, time, priority is reserved for the one you are dating. Even if someone doesn’t technically cross boundaries or cheat etc, if they are indiscriminate in their excessive warmth and friendliness that extends to everyone then how is a romantic interest special in their eyes? I am not saying a man should cold shoulder every single woman and cannot find another woman attractive or compliment her once he is a suitor but somehow being with someone like that makes me feel bad. Am I just being jealous and insecure or is this legitimate? Somehow it also makes me wonder if a person is keeping their options open without actually crossing boundaries in a safe way by always surrounding themselves with women. Sometimes I wonder if very insecure men do this to stroke their ego, keep up the competition. It could also be that some men really really love female attention no matter how happy and sure they are with their romantic partner. They mean no harm and won’t actually DO anything wrong per se…but it just seems a little suspicious to me. Are my doubts/fears unfounded?

    I don’t think it is fair to ask someone to stop doing these things because technically they have done nothing wrong and if this is something that is part of their personality it is unlikely they will be able to change it. So I don’t believe in talking about this.
    I would like to hear your opinion about this The One and others please chip in as well. I want to know what you women think. What are you comfortable with? Are very popular men, especially those who are always surrounded by women (ballroom dancers, musicians) difficult to date? How does one handle a guy like this? If he is following all the rules of a suitor–is there nothing to worry about?

    • Nadia permalink

      Hi kishmisherie, your question is really intriguing to me. I feel like you described something similar to what I’ve experienced myself. I used to date a guy who was extremely charming. Women always seemed to get a little happier in his presence and it annoyed me. I rarely would let it show because I just chalked it up to me being overly sensitive/paranoid/jealous like you said. If we were at the library he would lean on the counter and talk to a young librarian about a book he needed like they were best friends, at starbucks he would get into conversations with the barista’s about their experience and qualifications, at the doctor’s office he’d play around with the nurses and admin staff, sometimes even to the point where I felt like was being left out, or that he was possibly even performing for me?? (or maybe trying to show me how desirable he was to other women, and unconsciously, reminding me of his worth and distracting me from my own!)

      What I didn’t like about it the most was that everything was about him. He seemed to enjoy the attention a little too much, which made me feel less attracted to him. Not out of jealousy, but because it’s immature, it lacks awareness of the person you’re with, and it’s not really all that dignified is it? Meaning, what women wants to spend time with a man who’s constantly letting himself get wrapped up in his surroundings? There’s something about it to me that lacks focus, lacks sincerity of intention and lacks the simplicity in men that most women really love. At least I do.

      Having said all that, it’s hard to let these kind of men go because whether I like it or not, they’re fun, sweet, charming and know all the right things to say, which makes them usually great people to talk to. But as soon as they’re not in your sight, you’re left wondering what they’re doing and if they’re going to become attracted to someone else? Is this insecurity on our parts? I don’t think it is. I think it’s your intuition trying to tell you something. Probably only you know what that is.

      Maybe you need to change some your standards when dating/picking men. And if it’s a more serious relationship, then maybe you should decide whether you’re willing to accept this or not, because like you said, he won’t change. But I suggest finding a man who’s a little more conscious in general.

      I think there has to be something beyond attraction/charm/love that unite a man and a woman. There has to be shared values, a shared understanding for there to be a mutual respect, if that doesn’t exist then someone is settling. Or, both people are. In my experience, it’s usually the women because women will do all sorts of twists and bending to accomodate childish behaviour from men.

      Anyway, I just wanted to share my thoughts but ultimately it’s hard to tell if he’s a real suitor or not since nobody knows how he treats you, and if he’s even showing you any consistent signs of respect and interest. And like The One always says, are you pursuing what makes you happy? Are you living a life that’s exciting to you on your terms? Often that’s the best way to weed out the bad guys, they simply won’t be able to keep up with your passionate pursuit of life without resorting to manipulation, guilts or threat.

      Thanks The One for the great blog!

      • Thanks Nadia. There is one guy in question whose behavior intrigued me a bit. He is a tango dancer/instructor, DJ and musician and studies Romance Literature and is a writer/poet so he is always surrounded by women and women love all these qualities. The tango brings him women of all ages, some of them very elegant/pretty/hot who are also very good dancers. As you know, tango is pretty hot itself. The weird thing is this guy has a dance partner who is much older than he is (he is 31, she must be over 45) and they teach together. She is married, he is not and she, him and her husband are all very good friends and closely knit with the tango community. I doubt that he is actually having an affair with her since they are also professionally connected and her husband is always around. But it is weird how “romantic” he acts with her in front of her husband and everyone else. He is also always trying to get girls to join his classes and flirts all the time with all women and likes everyone’s facebook status updates. LOL. What a “loveboat”! Then there is another much older woman who runs a tango guesthouse that he flirts with all the time even on facebook. Perhaps he is really into older women who seem flattered by the attention but it seems he also has ulterior motives to push his professional aspirations. I think he has many such “really close” women friends who are also useful to him professionally. His social life also revolves around these women and dance, music and literature. So he is in the creative fields and as it is the boundaries are blurred. He never seems to hide his behavior and it almost seems as if he WANTS people to see how “romantic” and “popular” he is. He seems to have cultivated this persona of the “great lover”. There never seems to be any girlfriend with despite his obvious popularity but now I am not surprised. He might be a player type or just someone who likes to have a harem (whether or not he is sleeping with them). Anyway, his attention is spread pretty thin.

        Another guy I know from grad school is married and a doctor. He seems pretty respectable-smart, good Jewish boy, very close to his family. He had whirlwind courtship and marriage with a girl he picked up from Peru within six months and they have all these romantic pictures on Facebook and he has written a blog on their “love story”. He doesn’t hide his martial status, but I have never seen him with his wife, although some common friends have met her. Besides I always see him with a host of women, flirting, joking, and being really close and buddy buddy with them (although I don’t they he is actually sleeping around). He has even gone on movie dates with other girls without his wife so apparently this guy is still “dating” after a supposedly romantic marriage. He is also really touchy feely with everyone. Somehow I also got the feeling that he had the habit of being really close friends with everyone and then asking people for favors. So there was an ulterior motive there as well. I am not sure to what extent his wife was aware of his activities but from what I know there was no strain between them.

        Another guy I knew clearly had a girlfriend whom he did not hide and who was in the same social circle. He was quite “loving” with her but he seemed to be flirting with every girl all the time even on facebook where his gf could see. He would keep asking me if I like his butt and if I thought he was attractive etc fished for compliments all the time. He even asked me to “marry” him on Facebook as a joke which his gf saw. I thought it was in terrible taste and just joked about it to avoid awkwardness but distanced myself afterwards mostly to be fair to his gf. The rest of the time he was actually quite funny, smart, charming,nice and caring and would have made a wonderful friend and had he not crossed boundaries and pissed me off. I am not sure how his gf took this but last I heard they were engaged and seemed like a steady couple.

        There are so many more examples I can give. It seems like I am now discovering this special breed of guys which is slightly different from your regular jerk player.

        With these guys, technically there was no evidence of actually cheating and one can always say that they are just very social with flirty personalities. They are also very nice, smart, talented, gentle and might even be very helpful, caring, show good sense etc.. They are extremely well liked by everyone so no one really points a finger. But there is something very very weird about their behavior that I could not put my finger on.

        The other thing with these guys is they have a very feminine side as well and tend to be very “sweet” , in touch with their emotions and extremely popular with BOTH sexes. Even guys really really like them. They never compete with the guys, always take a back seat, flatter people, are ever charming. They also have a hidden shrewd side because people are always offering to “help” them in some way. They even seem to have a lot of respect from people as they are always admired and spoken about in glowing terms without a blemish on their character.

        It looks like some men want romance all the time and it doesn’t matter where it comes from even when they have seemingly good relationships. While they may not cheat per se they do not have strong boundaries. They are in love with love. They are good looking, charming, artistic and liked by everyone and KNOW IT get away with it all. They have excellent social skills, sometimes a very good sense of humor, know what to say to whom, are sensitive and never hurtful, know their game. They have keen insight into what men and women both want and give it to them freely.
        I have also noticed that these men have a very strong desire for attention, especially female adulation and it is very very important for them to be liked and found attractive by people. They are very invested in their reputations and thrive on positive social feedback.

        What is really funny is how no women every complain/bitch about being led on or toyed with when it comes to these guys. I find this baffling. It must take extraordinary skill to flirt JUST ENOUGH that no hearts are broken and yet something is always up in the air. With players, women will bitch about them, accuse them of being used, call them jerks and there will always be an angry ex gf or two. Even guys bitch about players because they sleep with all the women and ARE jerks. But these guys are popular with guys too!!! These guys are not jerks…but they play their game very subtly. I cannot find a single obviously “wrong” thing they have done and that is why I got confused about them.

        I never understood how the women in their lives feel. They always seem to be very happy and there is no appearance of strain. Women compete to be with them and like them immensely.

        Anyway, thanks to The One–I know how to spot these because they fail to fulfill a very important criterion of a real suitor–
        –to cherish you and only you and make you feel special.

        • Kishmisherie,

          Thanks for sharing your astute observations of these Don Juans. I am glad you can spot them now! They have existed since time immemorial and a Prize Catch needs to remind herself that such a man can’t ever be taken seriously and isn’t husband material no matter how you slice it.

      • Also, Nadia and The One, let me clarify. None of these guy were/are my suitors. I am not into married/taken men or players. It is just that I had been observing these type of guys and wondering about what was going on with them and what I would do if faced with a guy like this.

      • Nadia,

        Great post. Especially “or maybe trying to show me how desirable he was to other women, and unconsciously, reminding me of his worth and distracting me from my own!”

        That is a red flag right there.

        I also like how you emphasized shared values that are beyond mere attraction. Those are the things that indicate potential staying power of a relationship.

    • Kishmisherie,

      You are right to be suspicious. Are these men celebrities, so famous that they find themselves unwittingly swarmed by females? Or are they actively seeking female attention?

      Such men cannot make you feel special, therefore, they can’t value you as a Prize Catch.

      Flirtatious men who have partners actually have porous boundaries where they purposely create a dynamic with other women so it has potential to lead to something else. It’s an adrenaline rush for them. Believe me. They know what they are up to. They will accuse you of jealousy or insecurity so THEY don’t get exposed.

      But I am here to EXPOSE THEM right now. You see, a guy who is considerate and dedicated would never dream of doing this. He wouldn’t need constant assurance by other women to feel attractive. He wouldn’t seek women to affirm himself because his girlfriend or wife is enough.

      If your man doesn’t think you are enough, that’s a red flag.

      Sure he might be committed to you or even marry you. But you will be sitting on the sidelines watching him bask in the adoration of other females wherever he goes for the rest of your life. Lots of wives tolerate that, especially wives of celebrities. Rest assured they always feel neglected and simply justify being with these men for the perks.

      A Prize Catch isn’t concerned about getting a ring on her finger at any cost. She is concerned with being cherished. The two do not necessarily equate.

      “Besides, who wants a guy is in unpopular with other people, especially women.”

      If he’s unpopular because he’s an ogre or creep, that’s one thing. But if he’s unpopular because he keeps to himself and goes about his business, confident enough within himself where he doesn’t need to be flattered by myriads of women, that’s another.

      You don’t need other women’s stamp of approval to discern what makes a man attractive and worthy of your interest. In fact, when you see a man with lots of female friends or are always surrounded by women, run the other direction. You don’t ever want to join the group because that is what he is collecting.

      Remember:

      Handsome is not enough.
      Rich is not enough.
      Popular with women is not enough.
      Even marrying you is not enough.
      What is enough? Being able to cherish you and you ONLY.

      • Nadia permalink

        This is amazing advice!

      • OMG! Thanks for making this clear The One! I have seen quite a few men like this. None of them are my suitors per se but I see them flirting around (even with me) when they already have someone in their life or sometimes there is no one but there are a lot of women whom they have a “thing” with. They make no effort to hide this so they aren’t your garden variety cheaters as such. Also, they aren’t necessarily “cheating” because they never really cross any boundaries but certainly, they are keeping a “reserve harem” of women around them and *making sure* everyone knows about it as a testament to their popularity among the opposite sex. But thanks to you and Nadia’s note about her personal experience, I understand what is is like to be with such men and what they are all about. Yes, it is not even worth being in their group. It is no fun being a “groupie”. It is just that I get confused because a lot of people would call someone like me “insecure” or “jealous” and I am neither. Thanks for the warning you two!! I feel so much better and lighter:-)

        • Anne permalink

          Oh, I’ve met men like these. And yes, they don’t even try to hide it. They don’t have boundaries per se, as One said, and are always keeping women on the ”reserve” just in case their relationship went bust. I think this is typical narcissist behaviour.
          He even looked at half naked models in a random magazine when we were out together. It is a total lack of respect.

        • Kishmisherie,

          You are welcome! Glad you feel better and lighter.

      • Aqua permalink

        Thank you The One and thank you Kishmisherie,

        VERY helpful and indeed astute observations which I can affirm as 100% spot on.

        Why is the allure of these guys so strong and why is it that we find them so addictive and why is it that they’re so good at swindling us for our feelings? they have a way of getting really deep under our skin, make us feel heard, understood and known to the point where we fall in love with ourselves because of them and I think thats the greatest weapon they wield, and they just say and do the right things to get you hooked. How can we protect ourselves from these flute playing pied piper-esque women charmers? and why cant they be husband material? are they too addicted to the attention they generate?

  2. Lori permalink

    What happens when he asks what it takes to be your boyfriend? Do you tell him what your standards are? If you want only a serious relationship that leads to marriage…shouldn’t you tell a man that. When do you stop being “mysterious”?

    • Lori,

      His question would only make sense and dignify an honest answer if you were rejecting his advances. Otherwise, don’t answer him directly. Be witty about it and lighthearted. Say, “Why? Do you want to be my boyfriend?” or “Why? What kind of boyfriend do you want to be?” Laugh it off.

      Men who ask that kind of question are fishing for info, info they will use to THEIR advantage and not always to your liking or benefit. They want the easy way out. They won’t cherish you! He may become your boyfriend just to use you for sex, or run for the hills because you scare him away with the goal of marriage.

      Be smart. Don’t give your secrets away. The person who lays their cards out right away is the person taking all the risk.

      • Lori permalink

        Hi The One,
        I understand what you are saying….but doesn’t it only scare away men who aren’t serious anyway?? I mean…some men are actually serious. If you just laugh it off…the player types will keep dating you thinking that you are into “dating” and act like they are all into you when they really have no intention to marry you. I have had men go through all the hoops and date me/pursue me relentlessly…only to finally say they aren’t into marriage/kids. I mean…if you don’t actually define your standards…a man will “date” you forever. And let you “think” they are serious…but then turn around and say, “well…she never asked if I was interested in marriage/kids so I figured she didn’t care.” etc. ???

        • Lori,

          True, you can weed out time-wasters by telling them your goal is marriage. There is nothing wrong with that. Since you have had experiences wasting time with men who aren’t marriage-minded, you should probably make it clear from the start.

          The only risk is you might also be weeding out men who may simply want to get to know you. These men dislike being put on the spot. They will feel scrutinized and may be uncomfortable with the pressure. But by just going with the flow and letting the dating process play out, you might end up being proposed to by these men because they inadvertently fall in love with you!

          A lot of men nowadays, unless they are from very traditionally-oriented upbringing with religious and cultural reasons to make marriage a goal, are never going to put marriage on the table at the start. It terrifies them. They just want to see if they can enjoy your company.

          Men are all different, with different agendas or no agendas.

          Have you read the EGuides yet? Once you digest all the principles, they will give you a better understanding of why it is not always advantageous to show all your cards, or Get Personalized Advice from me if you need me to elaborate more or assist you further!

          • Lori permalink

            Yes…I would only bring it up once they started asking questions about relationship goals and/or I felt they were pushing to “escalate” the relationship. For me, there isn’t going to be a whole lot of escalation of the relationship towards intimacy and exclusivity unless I know we have the same goals. So for the first few dates..I would focus on light-hearted getting to know each other as much as possible. However, I notice a lot of guys try to rush things.. and it is when you need to be clear about what is going on from your perspective. I just have no desire to let a man fall in love with me who doesn’t really want what I want. I figure…If they are into me enough…they will understand my goals. If they really like me..the will proceed with that in mind. If they are just excited to be with me but not “that into me” they will eventually bail bc they really don’t want marriage for 10 years or something like that. . . I will consider the eguides thank you. You blogs are great!

            • Well, here’s the other side. A man can simply lie and say he is also into marriage when you declare your standards and use you anyway by leading you on. There is no way to avoid this whether you let your intentions be known before or after.
              Let’s see what happens if you tell someone early on that you want to be married
              1) It will scare away those who are afraid of marriage or don’t want marriage and KNOW it–which is good.
              2) It will scare away those are might be interested in marriage but feel too much pressure too soon–this is not good.
              3) It will NOT scare away those who are unscrupulous and will lie to you, lead you on and say that DO marriage when they don’t and then they will take advantage of you anyway. This is not good
              4) It will NOT scare away those who don’t know what they want. They will simply hang on for the ride as long as you are giving them something. This is not good.

              If you don’t tell them that you want to be married and looking for something serious-
              1) The players will stick around and think they have hit the jackpot–which is not good.
              2) It will not make a difference to the good guys who want to be married or those who are not sure. It will take the pressure off things and you will go with the flow. This can be good.
              3) Guys who must absolutely know for sure might be turned off if you say nothing at all or evade the question–which is not good.

              It seems to me that it is important to be honest for your own sake and be clear that you want marriage –sometime in the future –not to that particular guy but just that you would like to be married eventually to “a” wonderful man.
              This will not put pressure on the good guys who want marriage and will turn away those who know marriage is not for them.

              As The One mentioned, there is no need to give out any other information about your ideal guy etc. These secrets will be used against you. It is best to keep them in your mind and use it choose guys accordingly.

              I know a lot of guys who have repeatedly asked me what kind of guys I like, who I like, if I like them, if they match my ideal guy etc. and I never say anything. These are just sneaky ways to manipulate a girl or simply find out if she is interested in you so that it makes it easier for them to her out–which is pretty lame in my opinion.

              As for dealing with unscrupulous users–there is only one way to deal with them and that is to watch their actions and see how much they invest to show they are serious. You have to see if they put a ring on it soon enough without excuses.

              As for those who don’t know what they want–their actions will reveal their non-committal attitude soon enough.

            • Lori permalink

              I am replying to Kishmisherie…Hi, I agree that there is no point in entertaining all that “what type of guys do you like…” etc. stuff…that is pure game playing. I guess I am going back to this after years of being all “nonchalant” and “mysterious”…for example…I am always the hard to read girl…and have several men “Declare their love”…but bottom line…it was because I was actually avoiding commitment too. I didn’t want to tell these men that I wanted a serious relationship leading to marriage because deep down, I could sense that they weren’t “the one”..even if I loved them and had strong feelings for them. Then, the whole thing would blow up bc I had to tell the truth and get out of the relationship. On the other hand…I have lately have had men pursue me that I “Sensed” were players and not actually serious about love based on what they do or say…subtle things…even though they went through all the right “dating” procedures…In these cases…I figure get to the point with them and let them go on their way or stay. As Steve Harvey writes in his book, men are either playing with you or they are planning with you. He says that if the guy is genuinely interested, he will like that you stood your ground early on…he says if the guy is not a planner, but just a player…he will be out of there. Also…you can’t just take a guy who says “yes I want to be married” and think, “Oh great!! he is my next boyfriend bc he is serious!!”…You really need to wait a long, long, long time for any intimacy…bc yes..some men will say anything if they think they can fool you into sex. I have met men that pull out all the stops…I love you, you are great…take you all sorts of fancy places, try to get your vibe on kids and marriage, call and text all the time, sweet gifts, etc…and then when you make it clear that you won’t have sex outside of a serious commitment leading to marriage..they freak out and back-track on all the nice things they have done. These are the worst…guys who knowingly give all the impressions of a serious suitor…but are ANYTHING but that. This can go on for 6 months and they will still keep the “game” up…even ask you to be their girlfriend…take you to Italy…LOL. But as soon as you question what they are really wanting in love…they get ALL vague. So, why waste time at all with these men?? I know it sounds paranoid…but I have had a few guys that all my friends would have bought their game IN A SECOND bc they are so charming and “genuine”…but I didn’t buy it completely… I kind don’t think you can scare a man away if he really likes you and wants what you want…as long as you are matter of fact about what you want (not necessarily with him if you are just beginning dating).
              I also go by the general rule that most men are sociopaths until proven otherwise…
              all the more reasons to follow what is preached here…but I think you should be more up front about what you really want bc men will waste your time if you let them…you can never assume anything with the new man..you GOTTA ask.

  3. Sara permalink

    This is RIGHT ON!!

  4. NinaNina permalink

    STICK WITH THE PROGRAM I will.

  5. Nadia permalink

    Love this!

  6. Anne permalink

    Awesome post, and 100% accurate!

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