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Friendship, the ultimate excuse

February 9, 2014

So you want to be friends with him. Why?

Is it because he isn’t dating you?

Is it because you’re afraid you’ll never see him again?

Is it because crumbs are better than nothing at all?

Is it because it’s your last resort to keeping him in your life?

Just why would you want to be friends with someone who has the power to hurt you over and over just by existing?

The mere thought or sight of him will only be awful reminders that you’re not good enough for him. Why do that to yourself?

Friendship shouldn’t hurt. If you’re into pain, you need to find something better to do with your time and self-esteem.

You need to come up with a better excuse for wanting to be with a guy who isn’t interested in you.

(Hint: there are none.)

Or maybe he is the one offering you friendship. Why would he do that?

So he can have your company by snapping his fingers, without investing any effort?

So you can stroke his ego?

So he can use you for sex?

So you can be the Meantime Girl while he looks around for someone he can pursue and fall in love with?

Friendship should not be a last resort to holding onto a guy. It should never be on the table if you are attracted to or interested in him.

And if he is not interested in you, his offer of friendship is another way of breaking your heart every time you see him or hear from him. It is taking advantage of your devotion so you’re not free to be with someone better for you.

Friendship with him is nothing but an excuse for you to behave desperately. It doesn’t matter if you truly like him as a person and he’s a wonderful human being.

The fact that you’re into him makes him a dangerous creature.

Make friends elsewhere.

Get the secret weapon in dating and relationships when you Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

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24 Comments
  1. NinaNina permalink

    Hi, One Truth. Hi, everyone. Hope y’all doing well.

    I really hate to bring this up *feel sick in my stomach

    But, if I don’t bring this up, I might not know what’s the right thing to do next time (in case what I did was wrong – well u know, I’m also one of you who learning to be a better person, probably a Prize Catch). I wish I could find the answer from one of the post on here? Was it here anywhere? (if I missed it).

    Actually this was weeks ago. I didn’t bother to ask on here earlier because I really don’t bother about it.

    However, I felt idk maybe I could check out what is the right thing in your opinion.

    Weeks ago (end of May), I was at a movie, at the counter, buying the ticket. And then I got a text message. The handphone was in my pocket because I didn’t wear my watch (so it’s easy for me to check out the time, just reach for my pocket).

    While I was at the counter, talking to the guy of which movie I wanted to watch/buy the ticket, I felt at my waist that my handphone vibrated. So, I reached my pocket and took it out. It was a text message came in. A text message from a friend (a guy) of my ex. A very short message. Just one word. It was a ‘hello’. (yea lols).

    Fyi, my ex and me broke up for almost a year now. And this friend of his, never contacted me, texted me whatsoever ever since. Of course I also never contact anyone of them (people in my ex’s circle). I enforced the NO CONTACT rules permanently it seems, make a lot of progress though by enforcing the NO CONTACT. So glad). Only on that day, I received a one-word text message from him while I was at the counter talking to the guy at the counter of which movie I wanted to watch (to buy the ticket).

    I took out my phone, looked at it (read the message) and then I just straight away continued talking to the guy at the counter (put the handphone back into my pocket). I didn’t know who’s number it was from because I deleted all phone numbers in my ex’s circle.

    And then, after I walked off from the counter (after I got my ticket – I never looked around looking if he’s maybe around there somewhere), I just left the place and go straight to the elevator to eat dinner (the movie only starts around 40 mins after that. It was Xmen actually lols).

    After that, at the dinner table (actually I was sitting on the stool, like a bar table), only I start to look at the message again and then I looked at the number, lols I reached for a small piece of paper in my wallet, you know those stupid number that I’ve deleted I wrote on that paper. And found out it was his number. (lols yes I still keep all the stupid numbers but not on my phone. just in case like this I would know whose number).

    Well. I didn’t reply at all. I didn’t reply his message. And he didn’t send any more texts.

    I didn’t reply because I felt that I don’t want anyone of them in the circle to know anything about me at all. Not with that simple text message. That’s why I didn’t reply. No cruel intentions or anything like that. I didn’t owe him anything anyways?

    btw, we were not that close although quite friendly (only when we met, having dinner together once in a while back then).

    *sigh* why on earth would he text me? was he around there? he saw me?
    or out of nowhere he just texted me (weird)? it was on saturday, about 10 mins to 8 pm. All I knew, the place that I went to, is not their place (they don’t really go to this place). In fact, for movie, they always go to other places. Not this one definitely. Urgh. Whatever.

    I met him a few times (when I was still with my ex). He was one of his friends that was quite friendly with me back then. He is the type I would say a good guy. Good as in he doesn’t mess around with other girls (he’s dating someone). I don’t think we have any issues. But still, that doesn’t make me to allow myself talking to him/anyone of them after the break up. I really want to build my new life separated from anything related to the mistake (the wrong dating ritual that finally lead to the breakup) that I made (I have good intentions for myself). I know if I reply, I know it will somehow screw all my efforts to stay away from the circle (even if their intention is good. But what is good intention? One-word text message? So.)

    Eeww.. I can’t believe I still mentioned the word (my) ‘breakup’. I felf sorry for myself now *bored!*
    Eeww. but, for the sake of learning to be a better person, I hope it’s okay that I bring this up.

    Sorry for the long story while the point is he only send one message (after ‘lost contact’ for almost a year – lols).

    lols pls don’t tell me he saw me. (what? he saw me ignoring his message?) I hate that lols. well even if he saw me, I was wearing my cute adidas sneakers lols and just got my hair done lols so who cares! whatever. hmph! lols

    again I’m sorry if this is wasting your time reading. I appreciate any opinion.

    p/s:
    additional information:
    my ex just texted me a few weeks before this stupid thing occured. He texted my at 4.30 am crying (the T_T emoticon), said he’s SUDDENLY thinking about me. (yeah ‘SUDDENLY’? like all this while he never think about me? lols whatever). Of course I never reply – as usual. I know this also another stupid story, right..?

    *God please help me stay away from all this BS

    • NiniNina,

      Thank you for sharing and no, it’s not a stupid story. Far from it!

      It sounds like you might still have a lot of unprocessed emotional charge regarding your ex. It means you are not completely over him so you are still prone to being triggered. This is natural and occurs when the detoxification is not complete. So please do not be hard on yourself and feel bad for it! He just caught you at the wrong time!

      When you Get Over Him and Detoxify, you need as much time as possible and it doesn’t matter how long. Do you have any attraction toward this person who texted you? That can also add to the confusion and turmoil as you try to distance yourself from your ex.

      A woman who is completely over her ex would have either answered the text with something like, “Hey, what are you doing texting me? :)” with nonchalance and without thinking much of it, or she’d ignore it completely without any fuss.

      I think it is wise of you to ignore the text and continue working on detoxifying. Talking to your ex’s friend would only make it more confusing. Who knows why he texted — he could have been bored, could have been curious, or could have wanted to see you. All sorts of reasons exist.

      You are brave to bring this up and confront it. It shows you are willing to face the challenge! Whenever we get triggered, there is an unresolved issue. When something remains unresolved, it is only a matter of time when you will be triggered again by some other event. If you need any assistance in rooting out the issue, we can do a Confidential Email Exchange.

      Sometimes the issue is deeper and more complex than just getting over a guy. It could be a matter of unhealthy childhood conditioning, inner struggles, unrealistic expectations, etc. There is no shame in having issues or struggles. It is universal. Some people are just better at hiding it than others!

      What you are experiencing is not your fault and is not abnormal. You didn’t do anything wrong and you have nothing to feel bad or ashamed about!

      • NinaNina permalink

        Hi, One Truth.

        Thank you for your reply. It was really just for the sake of discussion. I know it’s gonna sound like I’m having an issue/issues but idk what to say other than I couldn’t care less if I were to have any connection at all with them. Staying away from them is idk probably the happiest thing for me (knowing that there’s nothing good comes out of it if I stick around). That’s all I have to say.

        In all, I mean maybe it would be great if you could say something about how to deal with your ex/ the best way for a Prize Catch to talk to them if there’s any contact at all. So, that’s another reason I posted the story.

        I’ve read about ‘treat them mean, keep them keen’, ‘no contact rules’, ‘make friend elsewhere’, etc. After all, it all depends on either we detoxified or not to emotionally safe dealing with them I guess.

        I take note on your words – emotional charge, no fuss, plain reply, detoxification.

        Again, every day, I always busy ‘chasing myself’, always think of ways how to create my own happiness (apart from if I were to have a man again in my life). I don’t want to lose the sense of self again like what happened in the previous relationship. Every day is a learning day for me. Thanks a lot.

        • NinaNina,

          That’s wonderful you are busy chasing yourself! I really like that. You’re on the right track to not want to lose your sense of self. Revolving one’s life around a man just doesn’t lead to happiness. Glad to know every day is about learning for you!

          The EGuide “Get Over Him & Detoxify” actually contains some advice on how to deal with an ex if you bump into him or if he contacts you.

          • NinaNina permalink

            It seems that I was and am so busy focusing on things that I want to do/doing things that I need to re-read the copy that I got from you! To make things easier, I put in my head the NO CONTACT rules – and the rest of the details in the copy somehow became secondary for me lollss that’s how I move on/ stay sane.

            And I’ve re-read them already! It is indeed a great advice in there especially the last part – the good and bad signs. I’m so happy to read the list of good signs because almost all of them are yes yes yes for me. And feeling lucky that no dues (things I need to clear) for me in the list of bad signs. Thank you and thank God 😀

            • NinaNina,

              No problem at all! I’m happy you reviewed the EGuide and checked the Good and Bad Signs list to see that you’re still on the right track. Glad you are!

  2. Femaleseekingadvice permalink

    Correction:

    I’m not going to dismiss what your saying, however I have my thoughts and that will only change until I really see, you mean what you say.

  3. Femaleseekingadvice permalink

    Dear Blogger,

    I feel a bit confused about a situation and could really do with some help so I seek the opinion of someone else beside my friends.

    I met this guy two weeks ago in a club he works in. He works there as a bouncer. I approached him and said: “Hi, for the first time altough I had seen him there before. We were chatting on an off most of the evening. I got a bit carried away on the drinking and kissed him and suggested going back to his place for snuggles. I didn’t want to have sex with him. I just wanted to feel a man’s touch because it has been like 8 months now since I have been with a man.

    Anyway, after he had finished working he came and got me. At that point I introduced him to my brother and plans suddenly changed. He told me he had a lot of respect for my brother and didn’t want to take me back to his place. He said we can see each other another time.

    Anyway the next day I messaged him. I was straight forward and said that Im not just for one nighters. He said nor am I because there no fun in that, I rather have someone I can trust. He said he’s not looking for a fling but not looking to jump into a relationship straight away either.

    Anyway a few days later he text me wishing me a happy valentine. I thought it was sweet, however he didn’t ask me out. At the end, the conversation got a bit flirtatious. I stopped him and said. I told you I’m not into one nighters to which he responsed. I think I would want you for more than one night.

    Anyway the next evening I went to that same club he works. My mate advised me not to text him to let him know I was going and let him approach me. So I did and he came to me and asked why I didn’t let him know I was coming. I said, I didn’t think he was that bothered. He said I’ve been texting you haven’t I? That point I thought he’s indicating he’s interested in me and wants to know what I am doing.

    Anyway later on after he finished work he picked me up from another place I went too that evening and we drove to the clift top. Again I was out drinking and I was all over him in the car. I later on regret that after waking up in the morning. I was upset and I sent him a text saying, turns out you want to get in my pants after all. First opportunity you get you want to sleep with me. He said wasn’t you the one all over me? he said he stopped kissing me because he doesn’t want to have sex with me straight away. Yet he was trying to touch my feminen parts and I pulled away. That ‘s the point where he stopped kissing me and dropped me off home. ” He said once you start behaving I will.

    Later on I said, I’m not going to dismiss what he has said tough I have my thoughts and that can only change when I really see what you mean.

    My mate told me to just leave it because he thinks it’s pretty obvious what he’s after. Someone else said text him and be like hey: Now were singing of the same page, and both don’t just want a fling: ” When shall we meet? ( both of these tips coming from men).

    My girlfriend said to not text him at all and just leave the lad.

    I just would like your opinion on the story I guess. I am just a little confused as to how I should further proceed. It’s been a few days now, I have been wondering should I drop him a text or just wait now until he approaches me. If I do wait until he approaches me, I would at least know he’s is a bit interested and because I have been so honest about not wanting just a fling. Him approaching me first would indicate he wants the same? I’m worried if I don’t text him, he might think I don’t seem bothered about him and I would loose my chances that way. I have tried to master the act of love but so far I have been more unlucky in my love life. Here is a question I definitely want an answer too. Was I wrong in being so straightforward so soon?

    Hope to hear from you soon.

    • Female,

      Were you too forward? Yes, you were. Only show interest in a man by saying yes to his invitation for a date. There was no invite, so there would be no reason to show him interest.

      If you don’t text him, it means you won’t be desperate anymore. Maybe he will gain respect for you. Maybe he will step up and ask you out. You already showed him way too much interest, assuring him you only want something serious, and you did so before he even made any effort to court you.

      Men don’t need to hear your words and explanation. Are you trying to convince him you’re not into one night stands or yourself? Prove you’re deserving of being wooed by action. Stop being so obvious and easy. Instead, be mysterious and elusive.

      I do recommend you to get your secret weapon in dating and relationships when you Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to help you further!

      • Femalseekingadvice permalink

        Dear One Truth,

        Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. I have taken your advice and have not texted the guy any further. For some reason my heart wants the guy to ask me out and see where it could potentially lead to. However, I have tried to subside from those feelings and just move on. Tough I went out last weekend to the place he works and the majorty of the evening he was standing in front of us , making sure we were secured and felt fully safe in the club (He’s a bouncer). We crossed paths at some point and he pulled me into his embrace, said “hello”. We started to giggle at something he said and he mentioned he saw a video of me uploaded on facebook where I was singing a song. He said : You are extremely talented. I can’t help but take this as some kind of Interest he may have in me. I don’t know whether he has called me or asked me out because my phone is in for repair. Lol so annoying :)))

        • Femaleseekingadvice,

          You’re very welcome. Glad you’re able to restrain yourself! Not easy, I know!

          If you can memorize the list of False Indicators of a Man’s Interest, you shall never again be deceived!

          You see, compliments take you nowhere. Only asking you out on a date TAKES you out on a date. Narrow your definition of a man’s interest and you will waste less time on flirty men. You will be able to move on quickly with zero emotional investment…and meet a man worthy of you.

          • Hey One truth,

            I have met this guy on a dating site. We have been on 3 dates that went wonderfull. Giggles and openness. It went amazing. A little while ago we had an argument but we cleared the air, but ever since he became distant and he hasn’t asked me out. He still text every two days but not same like before. He used to everyday. Only untill a few days ago he called me last minute, knowing I was in town, wanting to see me. So we met for 10 min. I had other plans to have dinner with a mate. He was only planning to stay for a half hour anyways. What you call “last minute planning” which doesn’t indicate he’s interested. He’s openly communicated to me that he has been on other dates with other women that haven’t been his cup of tea. I recall a time he said, “Sometimes it’s good to go on dates with several people to realise who’s the right one for you”. So after the ten minute were nearly up, I said well I guess i’ll see you around sometime. To which he responded so when are you going on these other dates to realise those other guys are cunts. So I said oh yeah to realize your the man of my dream right?. He just smiled. I am trying very hard to be a prizecatch. Moving on and allowing him to do the pursuing. Am I doing this right? In the meanwhile, he is still on my mind and I would like to see him again. Is he playing a game or just being lazing and passive? As I previously mentioned he has become distant. It takes two days before I hear from him. I still believe there’s is hope we could pick off were we started. I believe there’s a way I could get him to chase me. but I’m not sure how to go about this. If he text me eventually. what should I do? Is it okay to wait 48 hours before getting back to him? I just want him to feel like what I have been feeling like and realize it will take effort to court me. I believe in any area of life something you have to work hard for you value more than something that is handed to you easily. I need help lol

            Hopefully you have great advice for me again.

            Kind regards,

            Donya

            • Donya,

              After the argument, he probably just wants to keep his distance. If you read the EGuide “Be a Prize Catch Date”, you’ll know that a proper suitor with boyfriend potential finds any sign or hint of drama a turn-off.

              Since you unfortunately agreed to see him last minute, you didn’t require effort from him to court you. You’ve essentially let him know he no longer needs to value you and make plans. Therefore, I don’t see how waiting 48 hours will make much difference in increasing his interest level at this point, except to give you some practice in waiting or allow you to test to see what he’ll do.

              Decide if you want to be with him at all costs or if you want to eliminate time-wasters no matter how attracted you are to them. Do you want texts or do you want to be cherished? Remember, everything you do and say trains a man to be a suitor or eliminates him as a time-waster.

              More advice is available at Get Personalized Advice.

            • hey one truth,

              thank you for your comments.

              I never initiated us to meet up tough. doesnt this count for anything???? Ok i agreed to meet up but only for like 10 min because i hadplans. shows him that i wouldnt just drop everything to see him right. shows him that i value my friendship. doesnt this count?

              i will get the prize catch date and read up on it.
              you say you dont think it will many difference if i was to wait 48 hours before replying to him. Saying that he text me today. he noticed i change my picture on the dating site. and he said i should change it for another one i will get more guys. always changing ur pic for attention arent you? he said. I really want to respond but im not sure how to respond.

              comments pls

            • I think it is great you didn’t initiate. Continue with that and just remember, every move you make is a message to him about how to value you.

              The fact that he sent a text that didn’t ask you out shows he might just be interested in chatting and socializing, instead of getting to know you meaningfully that can lead to a relationship. A man who is doing the latter would never tell you how to get more guys. He’d want to eliminate competition, not invite more.

              My advice is about how to get into a quality relationship. So if you want one down the road, it is best to ignore repeated texts that are not about setting up a date. At the very most, give him a short reply like, “Hey, thanks for the suggestion. Take care!”

              Men need to be intrigued. When you make it easy for them, they end up wasting your time. The EGuides will explain more and give you specific guidelines on what to do.

  4. Moonbeam permalink

    One Truth:

    I’m a grad student and my grad school is having a valentines day party, which I want to go to. There’s going to speed dating, which should be fun. I want to go because I want to meet, or “be in the presence of” new men/potential new suitors, especially because my grad program is 95% women and I don’t live on campus, so I haven’t taken full advantage of the social scene. But I want to maintain my prize catch status! What advice do you have about prize catches doing speed dating? Because it’s not “real” dating….

    • Moonbeam,

      Treat it like crashing a party for five minutes. Men have to make the call though. They are the ones who size up chemistry faster than women do.

      For a lot more detailed information specific to your situation, I urge you to get your secret weapon in dating and relationships when you Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to help you further!

  5. Anne permalink

    To be honest, my reason for just wanting to be friends with a (potential) suitor first is because that’s basically the only way I can make myself feel relaxed and comfortable in his presence.

    In order not to feel always awkward and anxious around him, I have to believe that we are just friends.

    Maybe it’s a defence mechanism of me, but this way I am not worried about the potential consequences of my words and behaviour when we’re together.

    I think keeping this ”friendship status” with a suitor, but at the same time not being too eager to initiate contact could work early on in the relationship? Am I right?

    I am a believer in pure honesty, and I believe that no good relationship could be formed without a honest friendship that underlies it. I think that if I cannot be relaxed, honest and open around the guy, that is not gonna work in the long-term, but the only way for me to open up and make myself relaxed around him is to believe that we’re friends. Does it sound reasonable?

    • Anne permalink

      Oh sorry, I know your article is about the guy who’s not interested in me (i.e. the last resort friendship).

      I’m actually talking about a (potential) suitor who has shown interest.

    • Anne,

      Does being his friend actually work in practice? It is all about what works and what helps you succeed. You might be the exception, but too many women and girls have written me believing the same thing you do, but then they ask, “Why didn’t it work?”

      Perhaps you’re not comfortable with being a Prize yet. That’s normal! But as a Prize Catch, the concerns of risky behavior like initiating and such are automatically eliminated, much more than as his friend. Anxiety is due to lack of confidence. So it’s all about gaining confidence.

      Being his friend is being a second class citizen. When someone wants to reject or dump someone, he or she usually says, “Let’s just be friends” or “I like you as a friend.”

      Friendship should be a natural outcome of a solid relationship, but friendship is not what creates men’s interest and sustains it.

  6. Greetings from Singapore

    I read your blog with interest and have to say a lot of your advise is valuable. Most of them are already passed down from my grandma.

    I want to relate an incident on a date I went out with a twerp.

    I always felt something was not right with this chap. Even before the date, I had a funny feeling this chap was holding back. But at that time, my excuse was that he was not ready. However, after the date he still did not keep in touch. He did however send me an SMS stating that he had a wonderful time and that he would love to do it again. He never kept in touch after that SMS. After a while of not hearing from him I did something stupid. I send him an SMS telling him that I missed talking to him. He responded back the next day stating the it was good to chat. But nothing followed after that SMS. 1 month later I happened to stumble upon his blog and noticed he had written an entry on our date. What got me angry was that he wrote that instead of going to this place on a date with a lady, he mentioned that he discovered this place by chance whilst out with a ‘good friend’. I immediately wrote a comment to that blog entry asking him why he was so embarassed or afraid to admit it was a date he went out on. 1 week later the blog was shut down.

    Since then I have decided that was the last straw. Not only is he so arrogant, shallow and sheltered I just cannot believe he has the guts to write such things in his blog!

    • Chrissibunni,

      Thanks very much for reading the blog and sharing your story!

      Once he failed to ask you out for a second date, you should have moved on to greener pastures! Then you would not have encountered that blog entry referring you as a “good friend”! Now that you confronted him, you know how he is.

      For a lot more detailed information specific to your situation, I urge you to get your secret weapon in dating and relationships when you Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to help you further!

  7. moonbeam permalink

    I’ve been reading your blog since August 2013 and this is my first time posting. I love your insights! I keep coming back to read and re-read your words of wisdom. Thank you for all you’ve written!

    This is a powerful statement:
    “Friendship….should never be on the table if you are attracted to or interested in him.”

    For some reason (probably movies and TV) I have romanticized the idea of first being friends with a guy I’m attracted to and then somehow he’ll slowly realize his feelings for me, and we’ll get together. This has never happened to me in real life! lol but maybe it has happened for some other women.

    It’s such a mindset shift to NOT be friends with a guy if you’re attracted to him. Wow. But it makes sense. If I am attracted to a guy I want him to be a SUITOR, not a friend! (Although eventually I do think it’s possible that a boyfriend or husband can become like a friend, in terms of the closeness that can develop after years of being together. But I guess it makes sense that you shouldn’t BEGIN as friends.) Really interesting stuff!

    • Moonbeam,

      Thanks for your kind words and for being a dedicated reader!

      You are right in that friendship should naturally come after you become a couple. And true, it doesn’t work like a magic wand to make a guy develops feelings for you if they aren’t there to begin with, as you experienced in real life!

      You seem to have an excellent grasp of the concepts and I salute you.

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