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A man at any cost

May 19, 2014

Having a man at any cost is not the way to get into a quality relationship.

What does this mean? It means you are willing to stop being a Prize Catch in order to be with him or stay in contact with him. Any one of these below means just that:

  • You initiate and make plans to see him.
  • You pay for dates.
  • You help him out as if he were a charity case.
  • You have sex without being in an exclusive relationship.
  • You don’t need advance notice. He can pop in and out of your life at his convenience.
  • A short text from him thrills you beyond belief. You wait forever for one!
  • Anything he does creates a seismic shift in your life, such as letting you meet his dog.
  • You hope after hope that by doing the above, he’ll be convinced of the strong connection you have together so he’ll make you his officially.
  • You believe that going after the man you want is your right, because it’s the 21st century after all and women have earned the right to.
  • You settle for being his “friend”.

Are you being with a man at any cost? Is it worth it?

It’s worth it if you are content and can live with yourself. Only you know deep down if you are doing right by you. And only you can decide to stop having a man at any cost.

The question to ask yourself is, “What am I lacking inside that needs a man to fill at my expense?”

Perhaps you are limiting yourself where nothing but this man can do the job, when there may be other ways to fill the emptiness that do not involve devaluing yourself.

Find other ways to fill yourself that actually make you feel worthy!

Get the secret weapon in dating and relationships when you Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

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47 Comments
  1. Ewa permalink

    You should write your advice is for girls having loving but too liberal family. A girl who has conservative family doesnt need it. A girl who doesnt have family at all (or has totally dysfunctional one) cannot use it. That would help a lot.

  2. Ewa permalink

    Unfortunately councellors indeed encourage you to look for a man proactively. They say they aren’t magicians and that you “have to work” and “take responsibility for your loneliness”. And they have nothing more to offer you. So they are actually useless in my experience. Not so easy to help yourself when nobody has any idea how to do it… Pursuing a man often backfires but at least it’s something very concrete you can do.

    • Ewa permalink

      I started to doubt whether feeling empty without a man is something abnormal. Let’s be honest: most women want to love and to be loved and that is the most important thing to them. How can you substitute it with a job or hobby? For me romantic relationship is main course and other stuff is side dish. I know it would be “better” to have different desires but it is how it is. It might be a big myth that we are whole and we don’t need any man. Maybe it’s still better to believe it but hard to do it when you know it’s a lie. How can you be Prize Catch when you know you’re doing it only to fool a man to pursue you? Impossible. Also you can’t be Prize Catch just to be happy in case when it doesn’t bring you happiness. I’d like so much to follow your advice but it doesn’t work for me:(.

      • Ewa,

        No, a job or hobby is not a substitute for a man. Each has its purpose!

        There are many women who aren’t relying on having a man as a solution to fulfilling themselves, and some of them are even happily married!

        Living a fulfilling life without a man is definitely doable and not abnormal or impossible. Perhaps you haven’t reached that place in your life yet where you feel that way. That’s all right. In time, you may feel differently.

        For now, at least you have the tools if you ever need them. Don’t give up on finding the real you within and creating your own happiness. You are the only person in the world who can give yourself unconditional love and acceptance 24/7, no one else. You can be your worst enemy or your best friend. You know yourself better than anyone else. You are the source of every good experience and ultimate joy.

        • Ewa permalink

          Thanks! Your advice is great for very young, very pretty and very hot girls who were born in big, loving, supportive families. And have abundance of time and suitors.

          For me life without a man is not an option. I would be very unhappy. Good to know different perspective! I tried yours and it didn’t work – now I feel even more lonely and worse than before. I prefer to know that at least I’m trying getting what I want and I’m proactive.

          • moonbeam permalink

            You sound like you have a perpetually negative outlook. That will never help you.

            • Ewa permalink

              It’s not the point moonbeam. I learnt one thing for following theone advice. When you want to give up on something/someone you need something else. You can’t come back to nothing. The one says only what to avoid. And I have nothing. So the advice is not for me. I find theory “there is everything in you” as false. I know it sounds attractive. People do not look for solace outside themselves without a reason. If they do, they really need it. I need it. Bye!

          • Ewa,

            I’m glad you are clear about what you want as well as what works for you and what doesn’t. You tried my advice and it didn’t work. That’s perfectly all right. I wish you the very best. If there is anything I can do to assist you in the future, just let me know!

            • Ewa permalink

              Hi The One,

              I thought a lot about the possibility of being happy without a romantic relationship. Do you know women who are happy without a man? You wrote “There are many women who aren’t relying on having a man as a solution to fulfilling themselves, and some of them are even happily married!” but this actually doesn’t prove it. It’s like saying “I know many people who aren’t relying on money as a solution to be happy. Some of them are even very rich!”. Hope you see my point. I’m very unhappy and all counsellors told me only “Do what makes you happy. Find a guy.”. Is it any way to be proactive Prize Catch (while you are depressed at the same time)?

            • Ewa,

              Believe Carpe Diem when she says she is someone who is happy without a man. These women may not be in your social circle, but they are out there going about enjoying life with fulfilling purposes.

              Everyone wants to be happy. But happiness does not always have longevity. Some types of happiness are short-lived, such as when you buy those high heels you always wanted. You wear them for a while and soon you want a new and different pair. Some types of happiness last a lot longer, such as close friendship or working at a job that you are passionate about.

              Of course, your friends could drop out of your life or you could be fired. Then you wouldn’t be happy. The point is, any happiness that depends on an external source NEVER LASTS. You must REPEATEDLY SEEK THEM in order to MAINTAIN the pleasure it gives you.

              Long-lasting happiness is when you know who you are and rely on the invisible, inner self. When you can be happy JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE, AND YOU EXIST, regardless of whether you have a man, get that raise, buy that dress, or look pretty, you have succeeded in being truly happy.

              That is why men need to be the side dish. If they are your end all and be all, you’re in for a bad dream.

              Your counsellors who say “do what makes you happy” should say, “Do what makes you happy and keep doing it, but don’t expect it to give you permanent happiness, including guys.”

              Ewa, I urge you to find out if your depression is from a childhood past, and get a different counsellor for better results. If you wish, consider signing up for Email Exchange so I may be allowed to help you.

              At this point, romantic relationships are the least of your problems. Your depression is what you should focus on tackling. Just going after what you want will not take away your depression. That would only bring you short-term happiness. Nobody stays content for long after reaching their goals. There are always new and better things to desire.

              If you want long-term happiness, it starts with your INNER SELF.

              Put relationships on the back burner for now. A relationship will not remove your depression for you. Why? Because instead of limiting the problem to yourself, the guy who is with you will now also have to deal with your problem. Now two people will have to suffer instead of just one, and that ruins any chances for the relationship to work.

            • Ewa permalink

              The point is that you can’t become happy by “enhancing your brain’s cells”. Or by taking drugs. Or by forcing yourself to do something you completely don’t enjoy. You can become happy only by doing and getting what you really desire. What if a woman desire a family?

            • carpe diem permalink

              Hi Ewa, This is in response to your comment below. Yes, yes and yes. You can be happy without a man. I am living proof. As the old saying goes, you cannot be happy in a relationship if you are not happy yourself. You are depressed, as you say. Therefore, you will never, ever be happy in a relationship. Sounds like you are looking for someone to like you because you cannot do it yourself. Like attracts like. You love yourself someone will love you. You do not love yourself, no one can love you. It takes much work to change your way of thinking. It is very negative. And what energy you put out there, negativity, will come right back to you. You have got to change your way of thinking. There are many books out there that can help you with that if you are not having success with a counselor. Instead of being proactive to find a man, be proactive to help yourself.

            • Ewa permalink

              Carpe diem, please do not judge me! What you are saying is a cheap psychology.
              I never said I didn’t like myself. I read already many books and found them useless. I feel unhappy without a relationship. And I was happy when I was in a relationship (and relationship wasn’t my whole life; I was actually living more healthy and balanced life then).

            • Ewa permalink

              And I absolutely love the idea of a guy chasing me but I need to know how much reality is in The One’s adviced. When I follow the eguides nobady is chasing me:(. And yes, it’s actually easy to get a guy when you chase him! Maybe there exist a middle ground…

            • Anne permalink

              I’m also very much looking forward to the ”how to be a prize catch single” eguide / new post by The One. 🙂

            • Anne,

              Thank you for waiting ever so patiently for the Prize Catch Single EGuide. It has taken a long time with a lot of fine-tuning and tweaking. I am finalizing it now so please stay tuned!

            • Ewa permalink

              I’m loooking forward to read it too!
              I can chase a guy. I can let them chase me (but they don’t do it – although they flirt with me and want to hang out – and when I follow eguides, guys completely lose interest in me…). I can go to counsellor (who doesn’t help). I can even pretend I’m happy. But I can’t become happy using will power… And I still desire a relationship:(.

            • Ewa permalink

              Thanks for trying to help but I’m looking for a successful way to get a guy…I believe it’s a lie that happiness comes from within. I know it’s popular and tempty idea but I don’t buy it. Of course I can’t be happy forever mainly because I won’t live forever. There is nothing “forever” in life anyway. I like some of your advice but not these spiritual ones. I know you believe in affirmations (which are scientifically proven to make only harm to people who need help). I even tried “spiritual path” and it harmed me. I will never go this way any more. Looking forward to read Prize Catch Single! Thanks.

            • Ewa permalink

              The One. Can I ask you about private emails? I’d be happy to get them if there is something you could offer me.

              I guess I unneccessary wrote that i’m depressed. I hate this idea that people before enter a relationship have to “fix” themselves first. Do you thing that singles are worse and unfixed? Counsellors told me that working on childhood makes sense only if you experience something in your childhood (trauma, active abuse etc). If you were mainly neglected emotionally – therapy won’t help. I understand everything and it doesn’t help. I tried more than 15 counsulers. I need very close and intimate relationships and in my culture (I’m not from US) you can’t find them outside your own family (if it was a good family). And I don’t have it:(. Maybe I read the wrong blog…

              But by the way – you repeat over and over – fulfill your life with things which are good to you. Be busy making yourself happy. And now you say that I can’t make myself happy because “happiness comes from within”. I’m afraid this is the only point in this blog when you insist on a meaningless cliche. You are inconsistent at this point.

              I know what I want. I like cuddling. I like holding hands. I like loving eye contact. I like gentle kissing. Nothing else makes me happy. I just want to be loved. I’m sick of going to counsulors over and over. There’s everything ok with me!

              (Carpe diem – keep your wisdom, false assumption and judging for yourself.).

              I love myself. I try to have healthy life. I’m just so lonely and sad.

              I can’t force myself to enjoy hobbies etc. (I tried so many of them and it backfired).

              I see only one sollution . I’ll find a loving guy (unfortunatelly mutual attraction is also needed, I don’t want to use anyone). Maybe I should focus on improving my look if this is the only thing which counts for guys… I think I look better than average but I’m not extremely pretty (maybe only extremely pretty girls are worth courtship).

              I can’t enhance my brain cells to enjoy things I don’t enjoy. This is not possible!

              Do you have any practical (not spiritual) advice for me? I’ll pay for that. Or should I find another love coach?

            • Ewa,

              I’m sorry to hear it’s been hard for you to overcome some of the challenges you stated. I don’t think the Email Exchange will do much for you at this point and time. Therefore, you may be better served exploring other avenues.

              Please keep in mind that any advice, including mine, can only work if it makes sense and is acceptable on some level to you.

              The good news is the EGuide you’ve been waiting for, Be a Prize Catch Single, is now available (finally!).

              FYI, there is also the “Prize Catch Dictionary” if you’re interested.

              I sincerely wish you the best.

            • Ewa permalink

              And also the main problem when I’m trying to make myself happy is that it completely doesn’t work. It’s not about length as you pointed.

              I don’t care about new shoes. I’m trying new things all the time and I’m only loosing money:(. I don’t enjoy movies, clothes, sport, meeting people. I enjoy only connection and intimacy with a guy (I had a boyfriend few years ago and this was the only time I enjoyed other things too.)

              I you have any trick how to not need intimacy – tell me please.

  3. NinaNina permalink

    Hi. I found a few love quotes. Can I share them on here?

    “Immature love says: “I love you because I need you.” Mature love says: “I need you because I love you.” Erich Fromm

    “Unless it’s mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it’s a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life–love shouldn’t be one of them” – Dream for An Insomniac

    “Before you fall in love, make sure there is someone there to catch you.” – Anon

    “We always believe our first love is our last, and our last love our first”- George John Whyte-Melville

    “The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can never end” –Benjamin Disraeli

    “A man is never worth your tears. And the one who is, won’t make you cry” – Unknown

    “Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together” ~Unknown

    “Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes…just be an illusion” – Javan

    “Love will make you forget time, and time will make you forget love” —Unknown

    “You cannot make someone love you. You can only make yourself someone who can be loved” – Derek Gamba

    “The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved; loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves” – Victor Hugo

    “Nothing spoils the taste of peanut butter like unrequited love” – Charlie Brown

    “Do not be sad for being without someone who is happy being without you; it is not fair, is it?” -Philippos

    “Hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable” Wizard of Oz

    “Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met” – Unknown

    “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option” – Mark Twain

    “When you meet that special someone you’ll understand why it didn’t work out with anyone else” Unknown

    “Sometimes, you don’t realize how much you care for someone, until they stop caring for you”- Anon

    “To offer a man friendship when love is in his heart is like giving a loaf of bread to one who is dying of thirst. –Frank Frankfort Moore

    • NinaNina,

      Love the quotes! Thanks for sharing.

      This one is excellent: “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option” – Mark Twain

      Here is my revised version of the Frank Frankfort Moore quote:

      “To offer a woman friendship when love is in her heart is like giving a loaf of bread to one who is dying of thirst.”

      The kind of man who would do this can only hurt you. Always consider it a red flag when a man you are interested in just wants to be your “friend”!

      • NinaNina permalink

        You’re welcome. The two quotes you mentioned above heavily related with this blog. Love it.

  4. Newtruthsdaily permalink

    Just adding a word of thanks to you The One, for your post about re-wiring neuro pathways. I am aware I lack a basic sense of self, so I define myself through others. This means that settling for awful behavior from a man and dealing with highs and lows resultant of such, actually does make life easier to cope with for people like me, than the sense of totally lost in a black hole of nothingness and no motivation that being without ANY man brings about. For a woman who wants a better way of life, it is indeed and uphill battle and a different way of life that must come about. So many times, women are told “don’t build your life around a man-get back to “you”!” and “Don’t put your life on hold for a man” However, for a woman who has no “me” or actual sense of self, that is horrible advice because there is no “her” or “life” to return to, which is why she is settling for any attention rather than none to begin with. She needs a starting point to build a “me” to actually get back to in order to do so or she is just miserable and alone.

    • Anne permalink

      I think the ”law of attraction” is that you attract a man into your life with the same level of psychological make-up, same level of happiness, same level of peace of mind.

      You need to be healthy first in order to attract a healthy man and learn to maintain a healthy and balanced relationship. I think this blog is written for women who are looking for a ‘healthy’ relationship, and the first step to this is always to work on ourselves to become as healthy as possible.

      If you suffer from problems, you’ll attract those men who suffer from problems as well. (For example, if you are a drug user, you won’t mind if the man uses drugs as well). You can have a good relationship, but it may not be healthy and balanced, you may go through severe ups and downs, like a roller coaster, until someone calls the quits. That shouldn’t be what healthy women and men are aiming for.

      You cannot really have a balanced, healthy long term relationship unless you work on yourself first, and become a healthy and stable individual. That’s why The One always suggests that you have to work on yourself and learn to be happy on your own first. Unless you can be happy without relying on a man, you won’t attract healthy men into your life.

      I am really looking forward to the Eguide on How to be a price catch Single, I guess that will cover more on how to be healthy and happy without a man. I really need those advices as well.

    • You’re welcome and thank you for sharing your profound thoughts. Yes, the dark abyss can be terrifying and make one feel worse. Connecting with men can be validating even if it is temporary.

      It is astute and wise of you to realize there is a missing self. It will take baby steps and building little by little of that connection to yourself. You’re worth getting to know! That black hole might just be hiding a brilliant light. There is hope!

    • NinaNina permalink

      Newtruthsdaily,

      Hi. After reading your comment, I was thinking to myself, should I share this with her or not? Because I don’t know how I could help you to get out of that mentality that is so overwhelming, kind of pathetic – to have a man at any cost.

      If you don’t mind, maybe you want to google information about “Inner Bonding” as a first step to help you out. I’m not sure if One Truth would allow me to post this. But please read Inner Bonding first. And then you can get back to learning about the dating ritual here on Let Men Chase You blog.

      I’m not saying that this blog is not helping you to do the inner work, but this blog does help me to ask myself this question:

      One Truth says I need to detox the substance of my drug of choice which is man-addiction (wanting my boyfriend at all cost),

      and I start to ask myself, “how to find that solution”?

      “how to work on my inner self?” or “how to change my being?” (the being of wanting a man for validation – at any cost).

      So, that’s how I came to think about the phrase “Inner Bonding”. I google and then read all about it.

      Honestly, I’m afraid you would not be able to be a Prize Catch inside and outside if you still fail to work on your inner self first. A proper understanding about inner bonding is essential.

      I’m not promoting anything. But, I thought you need to know this. Otherwise, you’ll struggle and struggle with the question, “How to be a Prize Catch”. Because now and again, you’ll fall back to the old habit of man-addiction as a result there is no inner bonding within yourself.

      Just trying to help.

      • Newtruthsdaily permalink

        Thanks so much for all of the feedback everyone-I absolutely am devoting almost all of my time to working on my inner self, well actually developing one, which is how I became aware of the lack of sense of self to begin with. I will happily look up any suggestions given and of course, continue to look through the posts on this site which are really fantastic!

        • Glad you are working on developing your inner self! Thanks for reading the blog and posting comments!

  5. Anonymous permalink

    I’d love for the author of this blog to do a post about “shy guys”. Will shy guys eventually make a move if they really want to be with the girl? Even if they don’t know if she’s interested in him?

    • Thanks for the suggestion! It’s hard to tell if a guy is shy. He may be uninterested, not ready to date, not able to date, spoken for, or gay. To assume a guy is shy sometimes is a way to justify pursuing him. That is why I wrote the EGuide “How to Show Your Interest in a Man” so readers can show their interest in a guy that might be shy, without acting desperate and becoming a turn-off.

      But yes, if his interest is high enough, his shyness will NOT be an obstacle to pursuing you. Your suitor should always have HIGH INTEREST LEVEL anyway.

  6. Mina permalink

    I get excited to see new posts! Thanks for all the GREAT words of wisdom, One.

    What do y’all think of this??? I thought I had a suitor…but, another one bites the dust for me. 😦 Guess what happened? He accused me of “taking advantage of him like all the other women” because I didn’t offer to pay for any dates.

    He did all the *suitor* stuff. I never really initiated, he always contacted me. He offered to help me with a couple work projects, and I gladly accepted, and told him I really appreciated his help. We went out on three dates, had a GREAT time each time, and he always paid. He came over my house twice early in the mornings (in between the dates) to go jogging with me before work, and each time I made him a hot breakfast afterwards. On one (all day) date we had, he decided he didn’t want to drive, so I drove us around in my car all day. When my car was almost on E, I stopped at a gas station, and asked him to pump. I just assumed since I’d done all the driving, the gas was on him.

    Then a few days later, he hit me out the blue and dumped me over text, because I never offered to pay for anything. He also said no woman has ever asked him to put gas in her car.

    Was I wrong?

    • Anne permalink

      Maybe that came off as too ”strong” asking him to pay for the gas in this case? It could have been seen as ‘taking advantage’? I dunno… 😦

      • Mina permalink

        I actually didn’t ask for him to pay for it…I had on heels, and I sweetly asked him to PUMP it. His wallet was out before I could even go for mine! I just didn’t stop him from paying for it. I’d driven at least 100 miles that day.

        I thought it would look weird, a girl dressed up, pumping her own gas while a big buff guy is sitting in the car…

        • Mina,

          His complaint about paying is more of a red flag than you paying in your high heels, in my opinion. A gentleman would have gotten out of the car and handled the payment for you no matter what!

      • Mina permalink

        Another thing, Anne…I think he had a drinking problem!! He hid it from me in the beginning, but when we went out one time with his friends – He REALLY drank. Like…6-7 vodka tonics and three beers in one night…then he called me in the morning, and told me he was having another vodka tonic, when it wasn’t even 10 AM yet.

        Something else that became so clear in hindsight…I think deep down he was really insecure. He would ask me “are my muscles big? (this is a guy who could dead lift 600lbs) Are you mad I did xyz?”. He also seemed to always be in competition…once he called me, and I was in the middle of getting a tattoo (haha), and instead of asking me about my tattoo, he sent me a picture of the lame tattoo from college on his chest, like it was a competition or something, e.g. “I have one! You’re not the only one with tattoos!” etc

        I thought it was just early dating nerves, him wanting to be sure Iiked him…but my mom says that’s a big sign of insecurity.

    • Mina,

      Great hearing from you! Since you were reciprocating (after three dates from him), that alone should have sufficed to let him know you were appreciative and a giver. His reaction to paying for gas clearly proves he’s sensitive to slights, and you definitely do not want to date a scorekeeper paranoid of being taken advantage of.

      You want a guy who is easygoing and won’t find it abhorrent to pay for your gas after you drove him everywhere. In fact, he should have offered. But as a word of caution, please note to disappear between dates, and not serve your suitor breakfasts at your house (the Danger Zone as explained in my EGuides). And dates shouldn’t be all day long. Men get overwhelmed and bored quickly. Ration yourself.

      Otherwise, well done!

  7. Anabel permalink

    Hi One Truth!

    I have to admit that I wish I could be Prize Catch. Unfortunately I can’t cause I’m depressed all my life:(. I’m trying consuling for YEARS and professionals are unable to help me. They only say that I’m depressed cause I was emotionally neglected as a child which is true… One of them even adviced me to get a man at any cost. I tried to focus on hobbies etc. and it doesn’t work because nothing makes me happy. Nothing besides caring guys (only one to one meetings, I hate parties)… I suffer because I’m chasing them but at least it’s cheaper that “chasing” therapists… Who don’t help me anyway. Could my situation be an exception? Seems that’s nothing better I can do anyway:(.

    • Anabel,

      Thank you for sharing. Unfortunately, involving someone else in your life to resolve your issues just involves them in your problem. The problem persists.

      Chasing guys for you serves as a fun distraction — a temporary escape. I completely understand if that is the only way for you to cope!

      If you can chase the cure for depression instead, that would be a worthy cause! When you are deeply entrenched in depressed behavior, it is an every day battle to realign the neuro-pathways of your brain and adopt new thinking and behavior. Begin with letting go of the old ways of being and adopt new ways of being. It’s an uphill climb for sure every moment of every day, and a qualified therapist can give you that assistance and support.

      Essentially, you must re-engineer your inner self.

      • Anabel permalink

        I’m very disappointed in your patronizing answer:(. What allow you to assume I have “issues” or thinking/behavioral problems? I’m just sad and I have a strong need of affection and intimacy. Depression is only a label. Hope I’ll get a great guy anyway. I’ll still be reading your articles but your answer made me more sure I shouldn’t tell anyone I’m depressed. Somehow it makes people treat you disrespectfully:(.

        • Anabel,

          I truly apologize that what I wrote came across as patronising. I definitely didn’t intend for that to happen! I was just offering some advice that I thought might be helpful.

          Please understand everyone has issues, whether the issue is about anger, sadness, self-esteem, codependency, phobias, addiction, etc. What I said could apply to any issue, and I think it was courageous of you to share and there is nothing to be ashamed of. I feel honored that people entrust me with their information, and I would not label you or anyone.

          Thank you for reading the blog and please continue to do so as long as you find it helpful.

  8. NinaNina permalink

    with this post, probably every post, I’m lovin’ your blog even more (thus, able to lovin’ myself). You are One Truth.. nothing but the truth. Lovin’ all your tweets too. very brief and powerful. Thank you so much for taking care of us females. Females in the 21st century need to be rescued by you or they will continue the wacko attitude of keeping the creature at any cost. Let’s pray they found your blog. More posts please…

    • NinaNina,

      You are welcome! Thanks for your kind words and encouragement, and for reading the Tweets too.

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