be a challenge, dating advice, men love challenge, playing hard to get, the right one, the rules, why men should pursue women, women shouldn't chase men
Who are these men who don’t pursue?
I explained in the article “Do All Men Pursue?” that chasing is a male instinct. However, some men are overcome with factors that whittle their instincts away.
So who are these guys that require YOU to step up and initiate? To approach them first? To call them first? To ask for a relationship?
Here they are — mystery solved!
- Guys who are spoken for.
- Guys who have a deep-seated fear of intimacy, therefore rejection.
- Guys who can’t commit.
- Guys who are steeped in some kind of addiction, unhealthy behavior, or mental illness.
- Guys who are so overwhelmed that they won’t be able to be a proper suitor or eventual boyfriend (think insufficient income, overworking, lack of time, in the middle of a crisis or stressful situation, etc).
- Guys who have completely given up on chasing because they’ve been rejected repeatedly (usually by women out of their league) so they’ve become cynical and rail against the notion that men should be doing the chasing.
- Guys who….(fill in the blank).
Take a hard look.
Do these guys look like the kind you want to get involved with on a long-term basis?
Can you see any of these guys cherishing and adoring you consistently?
Can you see you’d be full of anxiety and pain if you become interested in them, or worse, fall in love?
Therefore, can you honestly believe initiating and chasing them would work?
Know the limits to girl power. You can’t take a guy and give him a makeover.
Don’t date a guy with potential. Date a SUITOR (one who pursues).
* * * * *
EGuides Testimonials Do All Men Pursue? But What If He’s… Reasons Why a Man Doesn’t Pursue False Indicators of a Man’s Interest How to Show Your Interest in a Man How to Act on a Date After the Date, Then What? How to Become His Girlfriend When & How to Reciprocate When to Let Him Go and Move On How to Get Him Back If You’ve Had Sex with Him What about Just Being Friends? Say No to Hanging Out After You Become His Girlfriend How to Be a Prize Catch Wife Online Dating Be a Prize Catch Single Prize Catch Dictionary
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Let Men Chase You 
Who are these men who don’t pursue? Answer: The smart ones.
And no, we aren’t ignoring you as part of some game to seem mysterious or to get you to pursue us. We really, really, don’t want you around.
A woman has nothing to offer a man that’s positive. There is only downside for men in relationships. Cost always exceeds benefits.
If you want men to pursue (you say you don’t but women aren’t capable of being honest) you need to become more attractive. And I don’t mean physically. If we see a benefit to use we might be bothered to pursue. But I wouldn’t count on it.
Who are those women who won’t pursue:
Cowards
Hypocrites
Entitled Princesses
Women who’s fragile female egos can’t handle rejection
Girls who have completely given up on chasing because they’ve been rejected repeatedly (usually by men out of their league) so they’ve become cynical and rail against the notion that women should do anything.
Get lost.
totally true, the only reason women dont persue is because they`re afraid of the same rejection that they give out
Question: a man I “met” last july on a dating site kept texting back &forth for a while, then he dissapeared. Then in november last year we went on 1(ONE) date; he was wonderful. Then pretty much pulled a houdini and dissapeared afterwards. He had some work issues, and been busy…that was his excuse. But he kept in touch somewhat via random texts every few weeks, hinting that we should see eachother again but nothing ever happened ( as I refuse to take the lead on this and don’t chase men). He was never innapropriate, and we both had fun on our first and only date. Then last week, after about 20+ days of silence, he texted me (and then called) asking to meet me this coming weekend. A real date, he’ll pick me up , go to dinner and explore around town. I said yes. But now I’m just not feeling it anymore and am confused. The fact that for so many months he ignored me weeks at a time and never made an effort to see me, speaks volumes to me. I think he’s a flake. He mentioned last week that he has been dating but no real match, after he first asked me if I’m still single. I guess he’s just boread now and that’s why he thought of me? I did think of him a lot over the last months but never showed it. Now he’s like a stranger to me as things never progressed and I barely know him. What do you guys think? Should I just cancel the whole damn thing? Oh, he’s living 1.5hrs away and wants to drive over and see me. Thanks.
Andra,
Guys who pop in and out are always on the prowl. And when they’re bored and need company, they contact you.
Just remember, a man who is really interested in you would miss you too much during those 20 days to disappear. And he would definitely not allow July 2013 to become June 2014 and still not make you his girlfriend.
That being said, you should always be dating multiple men so you’re not overly focused on just one guy. If you were juggling suitors, you’d hardly remember him, and wouldn’t be in any dilemma about seeing him because you wouldn’t be invested emotionally. And if you had nothing better to do, you’d go out with him and be entertained — if only to keep the machine oiled. A chance to practice so to speak.
However, I caution you against going unless you know how to go about it UNINVESTED, as explained in the EGuides. They tell you exactly what to do to avoid going through what you went through, and avoid setting yourself up for disappointment like you did.
Once you are armed and ready with these navigational tools, you will be able to go out and enjoy yourself, juggle dates and juggle suitors. You’ll know when to accept dates and when to decline. And you will do so with confidence, without regret, and SLEEP LIKE A PRINCESS. The EGuides “Be a Prize Catch Date” and “After the Date, Then What?” can explain to you how things work in situations like yours.
Why is it so important to BE UNINVESTED EMOTIONALLY? Because this is the only way you can continuously date a man (or more than one man) without allowing hope to build up BEFORE he has done anything to deserve your keen interest in him as a potential boyfriend. And thus, you would be able to turn him down and remain assured you did the right thing.
Thanks The One. That makes sense and I’ll check out the guides. I did not date anyone seriously in a while by choice, as I was totally immersed in starting a small company and being a good parent. He was memorable to me probably because he is intelligent, I enjoyed talking to him and there’s something very calming about his presence. Otherwise, yeah total flake and he admittted he’s been dating around. I’m not sure he’s worth my time this weekend…hmmm. Thanks again.
Andra,
You’re welcome. Hope you’re able to decide what’s best for you!
Well I did go to the date friday and it was fun and classy. He is a true gentleman (at least his behavior at that point in time). He drove 1.5 h each way to see me and I appreciated that plus the entire date was light conversation, nice connection. One hug when we parted and a somewhat ackward friendly kiss….then when I got home he texted me what a nice time he had blah blah. He asked via text to see me again, I answered hey just call if you want to get together again. He called but I was away, left a vm. Anyway all good until my girlfriend who has a profile online let me search for him under her account and sure enough he’s active as hell, even emailing her back when I sent a hello from her account. We ( my gf & I ) played along a bit then just logged off. So this is disheartening to see how easily he contacts other women, even using the same words he first said to me a year ago when I was dating online. Yeah, it hurts, I know it shouldn’t at this stage. I decided to blow him off, he texted and called one more time yesterday, I did not answer. Is it better to just go with the flow at this point and see if he’s into me enough to become by bf, or is he just a player and I should cut my losses here and now?
He says he wants mutual connection & chemistry in a healthy hot monogamous relationship. Words alone don’t mean much to me, this is just a small indication of what his intentions in dating are.
Andra,
Unfortunately, words don’t always indicate a man’s true intentions. He could be saying that in order to be non-committal in dating forever. If he really was after what he said, he wouldn’t bother seeing a woman sporadically over a long period without closure. He would move on once he felt she wasn’t the one.
Always make sure his actions match his words. When they don’t, he’s another time-waster.
Andra,
It’s natural it would hurt at this stage, because you went in invested with expectations.
As long as he’s not making you his girlfriend, he’s telling you you’re not the one. Don’t settle for less than being the woman of his dreams. He’s able to get away with being on the prowl because he can always find women who will continue seeing him without commitment. Cut your losses now but I urge you to get the EGuides before you go out on another date. Get armed and empowered with knowledge and tools, and find out how to recognize time-wasters like him.
You may want to start with the EGuide “Get Over Him & Detoxify” because that will help you disconnect emotionally from him. Until you are able to do that, it will be hard for you to say no to him and move on. And he WILL be back!
Feel free to Get Personalized Advice if you’re interested.
But what really brought me to the blog is I like a guy .. He’s shown “False Indicators of Interest”. But has yet to ask me out.So I’ve got to stay grounded in reality, focus on my own life and DON’T INITIATE ANYTHING..lol
“Do you carry around a fantasy looking for a man to paste it on?”
lols wow.. women and their fantasies vs the realities 😀
*thumbs up*
it is also interesting that women want a nice guy, but go for the bad guy nonetheless, and create a fantasy around him then end up bitter and used.
i think it is human behaviour that you go for the guy who is less interested, because you want to ‘prove yourself’ that he wants you. BIG mistake!!
i observed this in myself, that i am very attracted to bad guys, even though they are clearly not my type, and i have to make a conscious decision about not dating these men because the attraction is so strong you can lose your mind…
it is a very bad sotuation but i think it’s the same with men. they are attracted to slutty women but would never marry (or the good guys- date) one.
I would say that this is the case of people probably subconciously always love a challenge?
Men attracted to women who show lack of interest to them and vice versa. People who have strong self-esteem and never throw themselves easily to the other party always reflect idk high-value people?
So, I believed if people either men or women plant the seed of love in themselves first, then u will naturally have your own personal boundaries. Well on this blog, this applies to us women.
Hence, you will not fall into a guy just based the surface level.
Thanks for following my tweets, NinaNina!
And I bet all the women Clooney dated in the past are asking about the woman he got engaged to: what does she have that I don’t? and the answer will be: BETTER ACTING SKILLS (better “prize catch” acting skills)—but not better inner qualities…..
Well, I pretty much have to disagree.
This woman we are talking about comes from a traditional family, a muslim family. They have strict rules and traditions I think, and even if she is liberal, I am sure she behaves very differently than the average American or European woman. Another thing, is that she is highly educated (Oxford graduate), a very intelligent and highly established woman with a career, fully independent, and she doesn’t want the ‘celebrity’ fame because I bet it might even be detrimental to her career.
I am pretty sure she was not acting when she rejected Clooney. Dating George Clooney is not a risk-free venture, you just have to look at the number of women throwing themselves at him. It might have been flattering if Clooney asked you out on a date, but I think the last thing this woman wanted is to get into the attention of paparazzi and become a ‘celebrity’, or climb the ladder with the help of Clooney. Look at her life now, paparazzi are following her everywhere, it’s not a good thing.
She had a good life, and she didn’t want to give up her good life just because Clooney was famous. I think she had more brain than that, and of course she’s already coming from a good and probably wealthy family. She doesn’t want to establish a career with the help of Clooney, like his previous girlfriends wanted. She was a REAL PRIZE CATCH, and my point is, that she didn’t need any acting skills to behave as prize catch. She had everything to be a prize catch. And I think George Clooney is the luckier between the two of them for catching such an awesome woman. He would have been a total fool not to marry her. 🙂
Sorry, I might have been wrong about her being muslim (some sources say she’s not), but anyways, family traditions and parenting both probably play some role here.
I hear everything you’re saying. I know it’s possible to not actually be interested in George Clooney . I’m fully aware she’s not a groupie type, but George has dated accomplished women before I’m sure. What made her different. was that she probably didn’t sleep with him. I don’t think that makes her a “better woman” than the others though men certainly do….(though they probably wouldn’t tell you that)
She was probably simply not interested in him. 17 years older guy. Disgusting. It’s so sad that women sell themselves for money or being cherished. I don’t like the idea that a man gets all valuable, ephemeral hings (young body etc.) while a woman can get only “being cherished” (anyone can give her that, that’s cheap) or money (she can always earn money on her own). Who cares that Clooney is a star? At home he’s just an old guy. She probably will end up being his nurse. Guys are smart – they do pursuing and get what they want.
Why do you say Amal Alamuddin was “acting” because she refused to go out with Clooney when he asked her the first few times?? Do you think it’s IMPOSSIBLE that a woman would DARE (sarcasm here) to say no to a date with George Clooney, as if he’s some kind of god? I have had the experience with some men when the first few weeks and months I was around them I was not interested at all! But then as I got to know them I grew to like them, and I would have dated them. Plus, I have heard anecdotes from many women about how they refused dates with men who asked initially, but these men persisted and eventually these women said yes as they came to like the man as time went on.
If you think the life of a prize catch is an “act,” I think you’ve fundamentally misunderstood the concept. That’s like saying that it’s inconceivable that a woman would love her own life (and nurture and nourish it) independent of a man’s presence.
She probably is a great girl. I don’t know. I don’t know her. And she may not have been that into him at first and “not acting” when she turned him down. However, she didn’t say “no” to his marriage proposal, now did she? Though I’ve heard some women even say no to marriage proposals for effect as well…to make sure the man really does appreciate it when she finally says yes…and to set her up to be a “prize catch” wife.
Regarding her being from a traditional family, well, yes, that’s why she knows the rules so well, now isn’t it?…..
So she said yes to the proposal….what’s your point?
“….set her up to be a ‘prize catch’ wife.” This doesn’t make any sense as a woman is supposed to be a “prize catch” as a human being in general. If she’s a prize catch authentically she wouldn’t be positioning herself to be “set up” as anything.
If a man is smart he can be 70 and still wealthy and able to cherish. And how about 70 year old woman? Can she be still “his type”? It seems to be very poor foundation of relationship (finding a guy who cherishes you because you are “his type”).
I’ll tell you what it is. There is no word yet in Islam for a “beard”.
American and other western women know full well what one is, and this is Clooney’s foreign mail order bride: the dishiest and most trophy-looking one he could find, to throw audiences off the trail of what he really is and what she’s got herself into.
Which isn’t good.
I’m kinda with Anabel on this one. Something is really not right with this whole”prize catch” arrangement. I know it works, but I suspect that women did not set up this system. Men decide who is a “prize catch” simply by how a woman behaves (yet women have to be TAUGHT in most cases how to be a “prize catch”.) It has nothing to do with her inner qualities—simply to do with how hard he had to work to get her—how shallow! men must be very shallow.
There could be two women with exactly the same inner qualities, but a man is going to think one is “better” simply because she ACTS like she doesn’t want a relationship (even though she may really want one and is acting). It’s a fallacy. it’s not true. it’s ALL IN HIS HEAD. And yet women have to play this game. it’s sad.
why is calling a man “inviting” him to mistreat you? men have issues. i’m not saying it’s not true. i’m saying IT’S NOT RIGHT
on the george clooney issue—he’s a cad. The woman who he proposed to is not a “prize catch” she’s a con artist—-that’s what you are if you act like you don’t want something when you really do.
just a peep…
It is not an act. Being a Prize Catch is NOT an ACT.
You have a deep-rooted problem if all you do is ACTING being a Prize Catch instead of being one.
I understand that real self worth is not an act, however, what is it if you really want to go on a date, but you say NO because you don’t want to seem “too easy”—I’d say that’s an act. A necessary one, but an act nonetheless. You are concerned about the way you are PERCEIVED by a man and so you ACT a certain way to be perceived in a certain way…this is the sad state of affairs for women
My point is we are all “prize catches”—regardless of whether or not a man perceives us that way or whether or not we BEHAVE in a way that makes a man perceive us that way.
It’s a man’s world, that’s why we have to comply with their expectations of “prize catch” behavior for a woman, but keep in mind it is THEIR rules
My problem is the way men perceive women (mostly as objects, instead of sentient beings as they are) and their expectations in terms of behavior of a woman who is “worthy”.
Thank god for places like this BLOG or many of us wouldn’t have a CLUE as to what men expect or how to be perceived by them as “worthy” or a “prize catch” because they don’t tell us and most aren’t even conscious of these unspoken rules. They just operate by them automatically, instinctively. It’s somehow ingrained in them.
But most women have to figure out on our own what is expected of us as women through a lot of hard knocks and heartache.
As Simone de Beauvoir said, women are not born, they are made.
Ok. Didnt mean to interupt because I know we want to hear from One Truth. This is my 10 cents
I’d say that, if you are a real Prize Catch, inside and outside, you might not have to ACT to say no to a date because as a Prize Catch, you will not have to face the premature bonding, premature feelings (liking a man without knowing if he is wortht be accepted to enter your world).
As a Prize Catch, you will only take note on a man, a man can only occupy your mental space when he already show by actions not just words that he wants you for real.
As a Prize Catch, you lead a fulfilling life, you hardly simply go head over heels without the man trying hard to get your attention. You might attracted to him but you dont go head over heels, premature feelings.
N—Well i know about the premature bonding and premature feelings thing cause I’ve dealt with that. My issue is THEY get to do that. Men can daydream about the girl they “love”—though they hardly know her— and think about what COULD be and PLAN and ACT on their feelings. Women can’t. Is anything wrong with that picture?
It is said that statistically women initiate more divorces in the US than men do. Plus a man has to ASK a woman for a date or for marriage AND SHE CAN REFUSE. Women have a lot of control in relationships. Men are much more easily influenced by women than vice versa (as in a man deeply in love practically jumps through hoops to impress and please his girlfriend/wife). I don’t see how living a life as a prize catch is complying to men’s rules. That makes no sense! A prize catch lives a life she loves, with her work, her passions, her interests, etc. she does not revolve her life around a man, waiting by the phone for him to call her. Being a prize catch (authentically, not pretending) and “playing hard to get” (which is done by a woman who desparately cares how she is perceived by a man) ARE NOT THE SAME THING. And yes, I agree with you, it is not right for a woman to say no to a date if in truth she wants that date, just to seem “hard to get.”
“…many of us wouldn’t have a CLUE as to what men expect or how to be perceived by them as ‘worthy’ or a ‘prize catch’ because they don’t tell us and most aren’t even conscious of these unspoken rules. They just operate by them automatically, instinctively. It’s somehow ingrained in them.
But most women have to figure out on our own what is expected of us as women through a lot of hard knocks and heartache.”
To address this point ^you made, I’m sure you realize that as women we also have our own rules?? Men have theirs, we have ours too! Haven’t you ever thought, instinctively, that a man that has approached you is “creepy,” and then you decide to avoid him? I’m sure many women have. We operate by our own standards too and men have to deal with them. Many men don’t know what women expect or how we perceive them, either. You’re looking through a perspective that gives men waaaay too much control, and you’re not acknowledging all the power and agency women have too.
Rose,
I’m glad you find this blog helpful — thanks for reading and posting. I do understand where you’re coming from. It may be true, just not right. It may work, but be wrong.
If there’s something you can do to change it so it would right the wrong and STILL work, perhaps that would be a worthwhile endeavor. But I don’t see that happening.
Therefore, it goes back to recognizing what you can’t change and channeling your energy into something productive that fulfills YOU.
Rose,
Eavesdrop on any group of men discussing dating and most likely you’ll hear this phrase, “Women call the shots.”
Why do they say that? They say that because from THEIR point of view, women get to do less and do the rejecting (which is painful for men, who have to be the brave one, invest, and go out on a limb).
If you find it unfair in playing the female role, the reverse would be true too. A passive man would find it unfair that he can’t let women chase him. If he did, he would discover that she usually ends up being resentful and angry at him for doing so little. So for a man to be the object of the chase, just like for a woman to be the pursuer, IT WON’T WORK.
Would that be unfair to men? Maybe, I don’t know.
Romance, as I said before, isn’t something you can embark social progress in. I can’t change the male DNA and neither can you. Ask whoever designed it this way!
I acknowledge how frustrating this can be for you, and I do see what you are saying. Women can go after everything in life and succeed, EXCEPT for chasing a man. That doesn’t seem fair. But it’s not fair men get drafted to go to war either while women are allowed to stay home (at least in the USA). Men also live shorter lives than women. That’s not fair.
Etc, etc, etc.
If you truly want to be HAPPY, you have to learn to perceive things in a way that supports you emotionally. Looking for flaws and lack of fairness won’t give you happiness. It just results in cynicism, bitterness, and anger — which are traits that drive men away!
So like others here said, you can have a fabulous life and not be dependent on a man for happiness. Since chasing men doesn’t work, why not? You can be cognizant of this fact, but you don’t have to allow it to oppress you and limit you, right?
Hi One,
I hear ya. I have a fulfilling life and I know tons of women with fulfilling lives. They are novelists, doctors, professors, lawyers, etc. But many of them don’t have a man in their lives and is it wrong to WANT that? Well I suppose it’s not wrong to want it, it’s just not productive to PURSUE it in the way we pursue other goals. I understand that now, but I didn’t understand that for many years and made lots of mistakes by pursuing men—-i had everything else, and wanted a man so why not go after it right? WRONG.
My problem was it was difficult to see myself as an OBJECT, as men do. I thought of myself as a person with agency, like they are, who can make moves the same as them.
But, if they want to POSSESS you, and WIN you like a TROPHY or a STUFFED ANIMAL in a country fair then you are a OBJECT, or a PRIZE CATCH as you call it. (And all wives are TROPHY wives I’ve discovered).
They see us as objects and then they assign a VALUE to us based on how we behave. “Oh that one is a prize catch”, “Oh that one is a whore, she’s easy” , “oh she’s an OK meantime girl”, etc. The value they assign is based ONLY on how much access they have to us. They don’t appreciate women who are giving, only the ones who are NOT giving so much(so shallow). I suppose it’s the whole supply and demand principle, so there again we are THINGS.
Yes, women have the power to say no to suitors they don’t want (but only recently cause not long ago it was her father who had the say), but they can’t go after a man they want.
I don’t think I want a passive man, I definitely do not, but i don’t want a man who is turned off by my acting like a person with agency, instead of a STUFFED ANIMAL or a TROPHY. I realize that by and large this man does not exist in this day in age, regardless of the men who tell you to “call me” and “ask me out” etc. Yeah they’ll accept the attentions of a woman who is calling them, but they won’t ask her to marry him or see her as a “prize catch”.
So I’m here at this BLOG so I can stick with the passive program and the unwritten code for how a man’s mind works. I know I can’t change the way things are—not in my lifetime at least and it probably won’t change for thousands of years yet….
Interesting. So in your opinion it’s actually EASIER to get a guy when you are a PRIZE CATCH? What if you behave like one and still don’t have any dates? Does any of your E-guides refer to the issue of getting more dates?
Annabel,
I don’t know if being a Prize Catch makes it easier to get a guy, just better equipped and more prepared to get the RIGHT guy. Getting a guy is easy as long as you settle. The hard part is getting the guy you want.
I have been working on the EGuide “The Prize Catch Single” and will address your question about getting dates in it. Please feel free to follow my blog if you haven’t done so to get notified when it is ready.
Rose,
Being a Prize Catch is not an act. It cannot be an act because all ‘acts’ come to and end. A Prize Catch is a prize catch for life. There is nothing to pretend because that is who she is. The One isn’t asking us to put on some ‘act’ that makes us look like a Prize Catch – which most likely would come to and end or at least have some cracks appear from time to time.
I believe being a Prize Catch is about self-esteem, self-respect and self-confidence–that inner knowing, the sureness that you are truly worthy of
1) being pursued
2) being treated well by a man
3) and that you don’t have to ‘settle’ for anything less that what you want and deserve just to be coupled because you have STANDARDS that you enforce.
4) that you are enough and worthy regardless of your relationship status.
A Prize Catch has plenty of agency and is NOT an object because unlike an object
1) she has her own full life that doesn’t need a man to be complete
2) she has the power to CHOOSE a man (Do trophies refuse to be won? The winner simply gets one whether the trophy likes the winner or not. Nobody even cares what the trophy likes).
3) she has the power to present herself in the best light and take initiative in expanding her social circle, meeting and talking to men etc. She is not someone who is decoratively sitting inanimately on a shelf waiting and hoping some man will come and get her.
What a Prize Catch does NOT do
1) run after a man WHO IS NOT INTERESTED in her
2) undersell herself
3) accept a man unworthy or her or who doesn’t treat her right.
Just because a Prize Catch does not pursue and run after men does not make her an object in any way. And no, men did not decide or make this rule. In fact, neither did women. This is how we are biologically. The sperm swims to the egg. There are many sperms but only one egg that gets to choose one sperm out of many. Many animals have the male ‘pursuing’ the females through copulatory dances, macho acts, fights with other competitors and what not. The females simply indicate when they are fertile through signals and show receptivity to the male. A lot of sociological and psychological behaviors have their roots in evolutionary biology. This is simply the mating game.
Humans are complex and sometimes our more recently evolved psychological and sociological processes trump our deep seated -psycho-biological processes. Sometimes that is a good thing and sometimes it is not. But there is a good reason why we are the way we are and that is why this mating game works.
And yes, you are right that two women can possess the same qualities and the one who acts like a Prize Catch and refuses to pursue may end up getting the man. It is human nature to value things that are scarce and rare but only if they are good. Poisonous snakes are rare but no one wants them as pets. Precious stones are rare but people want them. So being a PC is not just about being scare and unavailable.
And think about it. If it is an act–how long do you think she will be able to keep it up? Won’t she eventually lose the man when he sees through her act or when cracks begin to appear? Only a woman who is truly choosy because she has many options in life and is fine without a man can continue to be the kind of woman who will keep a man interested because she doesn’t depend on him to keep her happy and her life full. So the man has to earn his place in her life. A woman can mimic Prize Catch behavior but it wouldn’t work in the long term if she truly isn’t a Prize Catch from within.
Btw, I don’t believe The One ever advocated ‘pretending’ to not like a guy when you do, ‘refusing’ dates even if you want to go etc. That is just “playing hard to get “and is a fake manipulative game. This has nothing to do with being a Prize Catch. A PC is warm and friendly and shows interest in a man if she likes him. However, she stops at asking him out because she needs to see if he is invested in her to take that responsibility. She accepts dates and reciprocates his interest. She is NOT a passive partner. She contributes to the relationship. It is just that she doesn’t give more than what he gives and takes things slow to really see a man instead of giving herself blindly all at once to just any guy. Being a PC is about caution and wise choices to protect your heart. It is not about being closed or playing games.
As far as Clooney and Amal are concerned, really, people, do we really know them? They are celebrities and have an ‘image’ that may or not reflect who they are. How do we know all this information in the press is actually true? Have any of you met them and know them personally? Do we know what is in their hearts and heads? Then why analyze their relationship?
For the sake of discussion, assuming that these stories are true, sure, why can’t a woman refuse to date Clooney? He is not God. He is just a man. Sure he has many great qualities but he is still just a man-he sleeps, eats, and probably farts just like us. He has faults. He comes with baggage. He comes with risks. What we see and lust after is his outer persona. There are things more valuable than fame and good looks and the glamour of movies. There is nothing surprising about a woman being able to see that and not be sucked in because she values different things. And if Amal was just acting hard to get, well, we’ll see once that act fails. She is a lawyer not an actress after all.
And maybe she was appealing to him because she was exotic or a lawyer unlike his other gfs who were mostly in showbiz.Maybe it was because she demonstrated self-respect and high-value instead of throwing herself at him unlike other women because she truly had other options in life. Maybe she didn’t try to use him for her career–she didn’t need to. Maybe he realized he was getting too old for the playboy lifestyle and decided to settle with the next woman who came along! Who knows why he liked and picked her?
Most Hollywood marriages don’t even last so who cares.
That said, there is nothing actually stopping you from pursuing a man just like you pursue other things if that is what makes you feel you have ‘agency’. There are some rare men out there who are happy with that arrangement. It might be a difficult path but you can always go for it and who knows it might work for you. We make our own choices about how we want to date. The One has simply given us tips for what works most of the time and how to protect ourselves. This is helpful for women who are compelled to pursue men because the men don’t take initiative/aren’t interested etc. or women are who confused and hurt because they don’t know what to do get a man and so apply the same rules as in the rest of their lives and end up even more hurt and confused. If you are willing to take the risks that come with pursuing a man, then why not?
I personally want to be pursued and cherished and find that terribly romantic even though I’m an ambitious go-getter in life. I’m not afraid to ask men out and get rejected. The problem arises if the guy says yes. I would never know if he is truly interested and invested because I did the work. I would feel that he is less of a man for not taking the initiative if he was really interested. I would not respect him enough for not going after opportunities. I love that quality in men and the very act of a guy pursuing me attracts me to him because I get to see his willingness to take risks, his fearlessness, his initiative, energy, courage, decisiveness, thoughtfulness, his yearning, his attraction to me, ability to accept defeat/failure with grace, his drive, his confidence, his social skills, his self-esteem, his planning/organizational ability, his power to get things done and make things happen DIRECTLY and this is what turns me on. These are valuable qualities in mate. Most importantly, I get to see his investment in me which is what distinguishes him from the cads/players who may appear to have many of these traits.
Men, on the other hand, do not value all these traits in a woman/mate in the same way, even if they admire them and want them in a mate. It is not part of the ‘attraction’. So no matter how much a woman shows these traits while pursuing a man, it doesn’t help. Men value healthy beauty, nurturing ability, softness, vulnerability, femininity, self-worth, social skills, receptivity, warmth, admiration and attraction for him etc. So the more women display these traits the more a man is attracted as a mate. So women have to try to display these traits in a way that men can see them. A woman can best do that by taking care of herself, looking her best, being warm, friendly and inviting, social, receptive to his advances and reciprocating by nurturing and showing her appreciation for him etc. A woman can display her intelligence, courage, confidence, power in other areas of life where she will get better results. This doesn’t mean that she cannot be courageous and confidence with her man and should act like a dumb doll, but that is not going to make him **fall in love** with her even if he admires her for it.
This is because of our biology, not because men are jerks. Men are designed for being attracted to women who show high reproductive potential–hence the obsession with beauty, youth, boobs, curvey figures, long hair (all signs of health and fertility) and warmth, nurturing ability (to bring up babies) etc. Women are designed to be attracted to men who show ability to provide and protect–hence the obsession with a man’s money, his drive, his status, his power, his height, muscles, success and other qualities that indicate that he can be a good partner and father.
Kishmesherie,
“(Do trophies refuse to be won? The winner simply gets one whether the trophy likes the winner or not. Nobody even cares what the trophy likes).”
You hit the nail right here!
Love everything you wrote. You’re absolutely right — men aren’t jerks. They just value different things from women, which I believe is what ultimately makes the relationship complementary.
Well, thanks a lot for that lengthy reply. I appreciate you responding to me point by point.
Bottom line is this I am 100% in agreement with the message of the blog. I agree that working on one’s self- esteem leading a fulfilling and purposeful life is the foundation and that’s not an “act” . The One’s Eguides are very helpful in that regard. I’ve purchased a few already.
However, I do think women are objectified and I guess where I’m a little different is that I don’t think this is necessarily all biology. I think patriarchy, the worldwide system of patriarchy plays a role in how gender roles have been assigned.
And I beg to differ, I think men ARE jerks and very shallow creatures indeed. lol
For example, I think if women were in more positions of power, there’d be far fewer wars, but that’s another conversation.
I hear what you’re saying about the mating rituals in nature and all of that, but the bottom line is men have set up a system where they get to have their cake and eat it too—-all the free sex and the ability to relieve their sexual urges from unsuspecting naive females who don’t know this how this thing works, and then the women who DO know that they can put up on pedestals. It’s the whole VIRGIN-WHORE dichotomy that’s been going on for centuries. They use some women for sex, the others they make their wives.
I’m glad we’re finally talking to each other so the naive, weaker and unsuspecting females will no longer be caught in men’s TRAPS
However one can still fall into men’s traps even if one’s self-esteem is high, simply by not knowing that men are TRYING TO TRAP and TRICK you.
They don’t want us to know this information. That’s why whenever a male gets on the blog they rail and go on and on about how it’s not true. They want to keep women ignorant, and therefore, oppressed and keep that “free” sex rolling in. lol
Sometimes I wonder why I wasn’t born a lesbian, but alas, even though I think men are jerks I’m still attracted to ’em—-go figure!
Yes, Rose, I agree with you on these points that we live in a largely patriarchal society that objectifies women and has double standards for women (whore-madonna). Although I do not believe that *all* men are jerks–because that is a statistical improbability, I believe many of them are and will behave even more like jerks depending on how much you let them get away with. They certainly want to keep us brainwashed about how what the One says is not true so that they can power over us and take advantage of us. That is why what the One tells us is so important to understand.
But what really pains me is how much women participate in this injustice. Women are each others’ worst enemies. Women giving up sex for nothing ruin it for the rest of us because then all the men can go to them and those of us with standards are left alone. Women who ask men out ruin it because they make it easy for lazy men to be coupled but hard for PCs. And they ruin it for themselves because they get nothing in return. If men objectify women, women strive to be those objects with impossible standards of beauty. One of the reasons why men can be promiscuous and women can’t is because women shame other women for their sexual choices and then go ahead and marry men who’ve had their fun but want to settle down with a nice girl. Men on the other hand wouldn’t marry a woman like that. Even the feminism movement, which was supposed to help women, ended up shooting them in the foot partly because now women have to achieve impossible standards in the workplace and at home and are now simply overwhelmed.
What if we women began to actually enforce rules and standards for men such that the only way they could get any sex was to behave themselves and be monogamous? What if women refused to be objectified by showing off their bodies to effect or following media generated concepts of beauty? What if women refused to tolerate jerks? What if women refused to marry men who were promiscuous? Then the men would all end up alone and sex-less and would have no choice but to pull up their socks. So you see, there is a way out of this if we refuse to go along with the men’s agenda and simply draw up our own which suits the greater good of us all. I doubt that will ever happen though.
”But what really pains me is how much women participate in this injustice. Women are each others’ worst enemies. Women giving up sex for nothing ruin it for the rest of us because then all the men can go to them and those of us with standards are left alone.”
^^
There is a very good video out there which explains this phenomenon you said, titled the ”economics of sex”. Currently, sex has a very high supply and its price is very low… Women should increase the price collectively and then men would need to put more effort into acquiring it.
Here it is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cO1ifNaNABY
It explains this whole situation very well.
Anne,
Great video!
I agree with you that women should up the price collectively, but the key word is COLLECTIVE. Without doing so, there will be little change in men.
The video mentioned this all started with the Pill, the popular use of which was one of the outcomes of the free sex movement of the 60’s and 70’s that women participated in, hence breaking THE CODE for all women being the gatekeepers of sex (withholding sex until they get what they want: commitment or marriage).
Single women looking for commitment today are clearly paying for this! Men behave as poorly as they are ALLOWED to, and as well as they are REQUIRED to.
Sorry but from economic point of view it doesn’t work this way. You can make a cartel only when number of sellers is limited. Controlling other women (there is 3,5 billion of them in the world!) is not possible. It’s not an ideal comparison but imagine fast food workers deciding to “value themselves” and wanted to work for 18$/h instead of 8$/h?
I wouldn’t like to manipulate a man into marriage using sex…
Btw. I don’t believe that men ever wanted to marry women only to have sex. Wasn’t prostitution always cheaper?
Anabel
I certainly did not imply anything about ‘controlling’ women. That is wrong in principle. Also, as you pointed out, there are 3.5 billion of them and that is an impossible task. Every woman has the right to do what she wants with her sexuality and it is no one’s business to dictate anything to her. Besides women from different cultures have different values and live in different contexts so there is no meaning and point in saying ALL 3.5 billion women should behave the same. We are individuals after all. That is why I said I doubt this would ever happen.
My main point and what I really meant to say was that women will lower their standards and sleep with men (often in order to get a relationship) and it only backfires on them because they make sex cheap and easily available and thus allow men to manipulate them or use them by not requiring any from them. In the end they don’t end up getting what they want. This also ends up influencing other women who DO have requirements and standards because these men then flock to easy sex and ignore these women. Men impose double standards on women by sleeping with certain kinds and marrying another kind. This allows men to be promiscuous more easily than women. So not only women cannot freely express themselves sexually without repercussions but they end up getting used by these men if they were hoping for marriage. So men get to have their cake and eat it too whereas some women get the sex and some women get marriage but not both. I am not saying this *always* happens but often enough.
Now, nowhere did anyone say that waiting for sex meant manipulating a man into marriage. In fact, NO man will ever marry a woman just to get sex. What it does do is weed out the men who are not serious precisely because someone looking *only* for sex is unlikely to propose marriage and make such a huge investment. They will simply go find another woman or go to a prostitute. Men certainly don’t marry women only for sex and this is exactly why waiting for marriage or for some kind of commitment works.
Basically, what we are saying is that raising the price for sex DETERS those who are not really interested to begin with so as not to get sidetracked and used by time-wasting men. This allows the quality men to stay and then we can have better choices in relationships. That is all.
Actually, NOT waiting for sex can sometimes be manipulative in cases of women who truly don’t want to have sex but give in in the hope that it will cement the relationship and the guy will become attached to them just as they become attached to guys. Some will even have a baby so that the man will then be obligated to marry her. I think that is far more manipulative.
Of course it is another story that this rarely works and men who marry out of obligation are often unhappy and resentful and probably end up getting divorced anyway.
What I was hoping for really is for *those* women who truly don’t want to have sex without a commitment and want marriage to impose standards for men instead of giving it up easily and realize the price and value of sex. Because that will make men straighten up. Unfortunately, men often behave as badly as you allow them to be so this is key.
Of course there will always be women who want to have sex just for its own sake and that is totally fine. Some men will flock to these women and that is fine too. Some of these men have double standards and they want to have fun with some women and later settle with others. So another thing women can do is avoid these kind of men who want their cake and want to eat it too. This way, if a man wants to eventually get married, he will have to think carefully about who he sleeps with. This way men cannot get away with being promiscuous and still enjoy the benefits of marriage later on. And women will only have to deal with men who are serious if marriage is what women are looking for.
I am not trying to impose a rule but generally stating that women don’t have to buy into patriarchy if they don’t want to. They can dictate their terms by upholding their principles. They have that power if they want it. But that is not what women do. They are not loyal to their own sex and will compete with other women for men. So if some women are putting a higher price on sex they will lowers theirs more easily to attract more men *just because* it gives them an edge in the same way that companies price their products competitively to get more customers. That is what I am talking about–and this needs to stop if women want better dating options.
On the other hand, men tend to be more loyal and stick to each other. They will promote members of their own sex even at the expense of equally or more competent women. They don’t bother about trying to find favor with women. That is why glass ceilings exist. It is because all these men gang up against women. If women had been on top, they would never band together like this. What they would do is promote other men over women so that they could have men and kill the competition.
It’s tremendously not fair that woman cannot pursue:(. It makes them so powerless. The most important human needs can be met only in family (maybe few people are the exception). If you were born in dysfunctional family or you lost your parents/siblings you have to make your own family. Getting a man is the only way to have a family… Phi, it’s so easy to be the man. You can achieve what you want just making some effort. If you are a woman you have to wait?
Anabel,
Yes, it doesn’t feel fair, does it? But did you know that men complain they have a hard time getting a woman despite their efforts? The women they are after don’t want them! They say it’s so much easier to be a woman, because she gets to sit pretty and let the guy do it all. They say a woman who is unattractive and broke can still get a man. But who wants an unattractive and broke guy? He’s at the bottom of the totem pole!
Just because a man gets to do the pursuing doesn’t mean he has a better chance than you. If he’s the one trying to hit a moving target, the target he’s aiming for might move away from him and he misses. Other targets are easier to hit, but he’s not interested.
He cannot control how he feels about the target when he decides which one to go for, and he cannot control how the target feels about him — just like you cannot control who goes after you.
If the odds are stacked against the female, the odds are also stacked against the male. And even if we explore all the ramifications and conclude the female gets the short end of the stick, you still have to do what works. You don’t want to be doing something that doesn’t work just because you want things to be fair.
Romance is not social progress unless men and women fundamentally change. If a woman wants to chase a guy, then the guy will have to be more passive. She will have to be happy with a passive type. If that’s not what she wants for the long term, then chasing a guy won’t work.
All the factors work in tandem.
Women are not powerless because they cannot pursue. They have the power to say NO and the power to make themselves attractive to potential romantic interests by showing their best qualities.
Just because men can pursue, does not mean they have all the power because a woman can refuse them–while hurting their ego.
The truth is that no matter who pursues or is pursued, both sexes share the power equally. No woman can force a man to like her and ask her out and no man can force a woman to comply, go out with him and fall in love with him. Both can seduce, charm and even manipulate but neither can make the other fall in love willingly.
What men and women can do is be and show their best selves so that they have the highest chances of success. Men can do that by pursuing and women can do that by being a Prize catch.
That said, for women who really want to pursue and enjoy it, there are men who prefer it that way. We are free to choose how we want to date–at our own risk of course!!
Very true! Well said, as always!
Ooppss some continuation:
the best part of the George Clooney story is that didn’t propose to her in some lavish, over-the-top way that cost tons of money.
(Like when Kanye West proposed to Kim Kardashian, which involved renting private jets, a baseball stadium, and a 50-piece orchestra…)
Nope. George invited his gal over, made her a home-cooked meal, and then got down on one knee and asked for her hand in marriage.
Well, he figured she wasn’t going to be impressed by his riches or fame, so he opted for something down-to-earth and more private to avoid paparazzi!
*thumbs-up*
Hi, One Truth. Can I share this story?
You might have heard that one of Hollywood’s most eligible bachelor (he’s even been referred to as “the eternal bachelor”) popped the question and got engaged.
Yup, the heartthrob George Clooney…who had often declared himself “single for life”…finally fell head-over-heels in love and decided to settle down with the one woman who had unexpectedly conquered his heart.
And she’s not some red-carpet Hollywood gal. Her name is Amal Aladmuddin and she’s a lawyer. (An extremely accomplished lawyer, but still nothing like the young actress-model types Clooney was known for dating…)
So how did this gal steal the heart of Hollywood’s this supposedly single-for-life bachelor?
Well, for one thing, when they first met, he asked her out…and she politely said “no.”
TWICE.
How often do you think the rich, handsome, ultra-famous, Academy Award-winner George Clooney was getting turned down on the dating scene?
Probably never…until he met this gal.
Her seeming lack of interest triggered a powerful and primal “male instinct” in his mind that he probably hadn’t felt in years…
The urge to WIN OVER and POSSESS a woman who seemed unattainable.
She was a PRIZE in his mind that he wanted to WIN at any cost.
Nininina,
What a coincidence that I also posted about George Clooney — about the same time you did! Anyway, I read she turned him down three times for dinner. You’re absolutely right. He got intrigued and challenged instead of discouraged, because he was probably used to women falling all over him. She is one hardcore Prize Catch that’s for sure!
Thanks for posting as always. Great to read your post.
Wow! Alright! : ) thank you!
Hi one truth
How should a prize catch behave/deal with a boyfriend who has more female friends than male friends? Some of them are exes ,some of them he dated casually….though he tells me im the one for him,but i still don’t understand why he’s friends with a girl who was mad
about him,though he wasn’t interested in her …i feel he’s using her ?
in her
Leela,
It is fine to stay cordial with exes and not make enemies. But if a guy is still socializing with his exes, he is keeping them around for female company on call. He gets to fall back on old connections to feel good about himself, instead of focusing on building a solid relationship with one woman. So if there’s a girl who is into him that he’s hanging out with and he’s not interested in her, he is definitely using her to stroke his ego.
Another issue is that if a guy has a hard time making male friends, then he is not in touch with his masculinity. While it is good he is in touch with his female energy, he needs to be balanced, and being male, he should form male bonding for friendship as well. Certainly there is enough of a variety of men out there to find a few he can relate to.
When a man can’t have complete closure from exes and insists on socializing with them, it proves he just wants to string everybody along and have easy access to women.
One Truth: can you please consider writing a thorough post on flirting? It seems like it’s important to flirt (in an obvious way) when meeting a potential suitor, but you’ve said flirting is unnecessary? I’m a little confused by this. Because wouldn’t a guy need something beyond casual conversation to conclude that if he asked a woman out, there would be a good chance she’d say yes??
Moonbeam,
Good questions! The way I look at it is that some guys need encouragement and others guys don’t. George Clooney, a supremely confident man who needs zero encouragement, allegedly refused to give up even after being turned down THREE TIMES in a row to go out on a date (by the woman he eventually proposed to).
Would you turn down an attractive guy THREE TIMES? Nine-nine point nine nine percent of single, unattached women wouldn’t. But a die-hard Prize Catch who is just as confident as he is but too absorbed in her life to care, would.
The average guy who has far fewer women throwing themselves at him would be deeply flattered and enjoy being the object of flirtation. But even he wouldn’t automatically be interested in every woman who flirts with him.
How a woman can tell which type of guy is key. I will address this and the different aspects of flirting in one of my EGuides (“How to Show Your Interest in a Man”).
Hi. I thought I wanted to reply to Moonbeam at first by posting abt George Clooney. But then, I thought nah let The One tell her the answer. And yes what a big coincidence : )