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Make men the side dish

October 17, 2014

The most obvious way to make men the side dish is by being SINGLE.

Now, I don’t mean to tell you to STAY single. But if you are single anyway, there is no better time to become your own main course than now.

Actually, singles are a force to reckon with these days.

Everyone, I mean, EVERYONE starts out as a single, some time, somewhere. And everyone gets to be single again after breakup, divorce, or widowhood.

Those married couples celebrating their 50th anniversary are becoming fewer and fewer. So it is INEVITABLE that being single is going to be, if not already, a common and regular occurrence.

There should be NO STIGMA to this status. Right?

Yet there is. Plenty. You see it wherever. All of us are constantly being bombarded to pair up and admired when we do. Even birds lovingly tweet each other as they build their nest.

So Where Do You Fit In As a Single Woman?

Good question. My answer is, WHY should you fit in?

Especially when fitting in is all about trying to fulfill a myth that says it is impossible to be truly happy unless you have a man.

There is no question that we are designed to mate.

However, it is important for your own peace of mind and happiness not to allow that to get you down in any way as a single, which occurs more and more in people’s lifetimes than ever.

Calculate the Amount of Time You Spend Being Single in Your Lifetime

If a woman stays single till she marries at 30, and lives till 75 years of age, not divorcing or outliving her husband, she is still single for 40% of her life, almost HALF of her lifetime. This is actually a low estimate and frankly these days, it’s uncommon.

With today’s frequency of breakups, marriage delays, divorce, and widowhood, the percentage you spend as a SINGLE WOMAN is more likely to hit the reverse: 60% and higher.

So MORE THAN HALF of your life is spent BY YOURSELF.

Even if you discount your childhood years when being single isn’t really an option, the chances are likely that in your older years as a senior, having outlived men, you will spend them alone as well. The two factors cancel each other out so to speak.

Why Not Live Optimally For MORE THAN HALF Your Life?!

This is where my brand new EGuide, “Be a Prize Catch Single” comes in.

There are tons of books on relationships and marriage (and I am guilty of that, oops): How to be a lover, girlfriend, or wife. How to recover from breakups and divorce.

There are very few books on how to be a SINGLETON and stay RESILIENT in a world where the bandwagon beckons and toots the horn of romantic love and pairing.

Why does a single woman need resilience? Because so many misguided influences disrupt her ability to create and sustain happiness as a single. They also affect her mating decisions, often taking her down a path of dissatisfaction or even misery.

There is NO REASON to suffer because you’re single. There is EVERY REASON to live optimally.

Yes, this is the best way to make men the side dish.

(I also invite you to check out my new Ebook, the Prize Catch Dictionary. Even if you’re single, why not be well-prepared? Also, it’s FREE if you get all 10 EGuides!)

Get the secret weapon in dating and relationships when you Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

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24 Comments
  1. NinaNina permalink

    I read a very good article today entitled ” What Happens When You Stop Searching” by S—– R. It tells us what One Truth always say. What happens when you stop initiating.

    She describes it as “When you lose interest in the world, the world becomes interested in you.” — Such a powerful quote. Just sharing. I hope One Truth doesn’t mind. Thank you.

    • Anne permalink

      ”When you lose interest in the world, the world becomes interested in you.”

      I don’t think this is true. On the contrary, I strongly disagree with this statement. You have to keep showing interest, but you have to show interest in many things, and not put your life in one basket.

      • NinaNina permalink

        I had the same impression when I read the quote. But you need to read the content. Then only you know what it means.

        1. Some of the excerpt:
        —> Maya, the illusion that this world is real, is a very tricky construction. It’s like a certain kind of man. If you do everything for him, he’s not interested in you. If you retreat and become interested in yourself, he’s all over you. That’s how this world works too.

        Most people don’t know this because they never test that. They always seek, they make things happen. But if you stop all this seeking and just be with yourself, be present and in no way initiate any ‘happening’, the world will fall at your feet.

        Try to lose interest in the world at least for some time and see how the world responds to that. It’s not the first time I hear that when people renounce everything, they gain everything. A Mumbai saint, Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj, used to say that when you renounce everything, people will fall at your feet. I don’t doubt that’s the case, since the more my attention is on myself and not on the world, the more the world is interested in me.

        If you stop seeking external knowledge, you will uncover inner wisdom. If you stop seeking external love, self-love will spring. If you stop ‘making things happen’, you’ll discover life within. If you stop interacting with the world, you’ll start a relationship with your Self.

        2. It is worth to keep in mind the title too – ” What Happens When You Stop Searching”:

        —> Most people, however, love initiating action from the ego. They are always thinking about how to get this or that for their personal benefit. They go out to search for love, knowledge, God, but for selfish reasons. They either want to be loved, or they want wealth, or they want power through knowledge. Such actions must bring misery, because they’re done for the ego.

        If you search for knowledge to help the humanity, it’s a different thing than searching for knowledge for personal power. And if you try to unconditionally love and understand all beings, it’s different from trying to get some person to fall in love with you to please your ego. If you gain wealth to be able to create something for the benefit of the humanity, it’s different from gaining wealth only for your personal enjoyment.

        Owhh.. now One Truth will delete my post I guess? Hope you’ll be able to read this before it’s too late

        • I’m not sure exactly what this quote means. But I believe “losing interest” here means not being invested in or depending on external things or not having expectations from external things.

          Logically, I really cannot imagine how if someone stopped “searching” for a job, it would just “fall” at their feet as long as they are qualified. Or, I really don’t see how a soulmate will just show up at your door if you never look for them and instead are interested only in yourself. No, things don’t happen if you don’t take initiative. The catch here is to not become emotionally invested in these things. I don’t think this quote is asking you to stop doing anything at all and just remain in your own little world even if you are very happy.

          In my experience, for years I “in retreat”, interested on my own life. I focused on self-growth and improvement and invested a lot in myself to be the woman I am today. No man showed up. There was no one to even appreciate the results of those efforts. They didn’t even know I existed. I always thought as long as I took care of myself, had an awesome life etc. the right guy would just be attracted to me and come and find me. Nope. Not one. People just assumed I was so happy with myself, I didn’t need or want anybody. They assumed I was already taken or wasn’t interested. Usually, I wasn’t even on their radar. I saw women, who were not even half as “good” as I was in terms of education, looks, personal character get men one after another. They were interested in men so men came to them! I was interested in myself and so I was alone.

          Of course always searching and being on the lookout also doesn’t help because it puts out a very needy vibe. Becoming overly attached to outcomes doesn’t help either. I can see this too now. Whenever I go out and try to make things happen–and become desperate about it–they almost never do. I become controlling, unhappy–the energy doesn’t flow and that prevents anything good from materializing.

          The key is to be interested in yourself AND other things but be detached from outcomes. When it is truly ok with you if someone likes you or doesn’t–they can sense this relaxed high value state and usually they DO end up liking you. Of course it doesn’t guarantee anything. Some people won’t like you anyway. But because you’re so relaxed about it you won’t get hurt and maybe won’t even notice. You’ll focus on the ones who DO like you. But you still have to make an effort to be friendly, to reach out, to do things that make you likable. Simply doing nothing is not going to make anyone like you. They’ll just think your apathetic or overlook you completely.

      • Exactly. Actually, you have to work very hard in whatever you are interested in–career, men whatever. The key is detachment from outcomes. Having no expectations. And is it always important to have many options and be interested in many things so that you don’t become hung up on any one thing. It is spreading the risk of failure.

        The reason why a guy gets interested in you after you become interested in yourself is because it shows you have high value and options and you are giving him the space to come to you. It shows you do NOT depend on him for your happiness. You have no expectations from him so it releases the pressure. But you have to return that interest back to him at some point otherwise he will just leave! It is about having balance in life.

        • NinaNina permalink

          It’s very tricky. In my opinion, I think the “world” or the “maya” means — attachment. Like you said — invested. Emotionally invested/attachment…? bondage?

          The author even published the e-book about these lessons (sorry One Truth, just need to mentioned these things so it’s clearer):

          Non attachment advice for couples:
          – How to discover your attachments (even the smallest ones)
          – How to eliminate all your attachments
          – Misunderstood facts about non attachment
          – How to break-free from all bonds in your life

          and many more topics about non attachment. Can you imagine? Can we be with a man, being a couple and not invested even one bit? incredible.

          It’s Hindu or Buddhism I think she’s using this element?

          However, I still try to get the puzzles right with lessons from One Truth. Somehow I feel that One Truth says the same thing? I mean being a Prize Catch requires a tremendous discipline for the women. And tremendous discipline means less and less invested (almost none?) In the lesson by One Truth, the man is just an accessory for the prize catch. isn’t it zero emotional investment?

          • NinaNina permalink

            the world — do things to get something.

            to get love, to get power, wealth, etc.

            “selfishness”.

            Can we be not selfish at all? Therefore no attachment. Maybe that’s what it means?

          • The word “maya” means illusion not attachment. And by illusion it doesn’t mean we are hallucinating or that this world does not exist, rather we are not able to see the truth–the Supreme Reality and the transient nature of the world.

            In Hindu and Buddhist texts, suffering comes from attachment to the world. When we are lost in Maya.

            And when I was speaking about investment I was talking about investment in the results or rather attachment to the result. It doesn’t mean you do not invest in a relationship.

            Of course you have to invest–in people, in your career, in things. But when people get overly invested in the *results*–that’s when suffering and anxiety etc. begin. That is what I was saying.

            And no, a man is *not* and accessory for a Prize Catch. That is disrespectful towards men. Nobody is an accessory. I think what The One meant was that a Prize Catch shouldn’t make a man the center of her universe. He should be the side dish not the main course.

            Anyway, we are going off topic but I just wanted to clarify my comment.

            • NinaNina permalink

              the meaning of “world/maya” in my last post, I just tried to say them in the context of the quote — “When you lose interest in the world, the world becomes interested in you.”
              not in a literal sense — > what is “maya”?. of course maya is an illusion literally.

              —> when you act not based on your ego/selfishness with the intention of attachment or to gain anything, you will break free from attachment. therefore, you can avoid suffering. the author herself uses many elements from Hinduism, Buddhism. Even published books with those elements.

              at least that’s what it tries to convey? I’m not so sure. just for the sake of discussion and sharing here. and also I’m trying to get the puzzles right from One Truth’s lesson with the other author.

              as for the man is just an accessory for the Prize Catch, that is just what it is. The Prize Catch work on her own to achieve happiness in her life. She does things with care of her body, mind and soul.

              It’s the same with “he’s not the centre of your universe”
              it’s the same with “make men your side dish and you are the main course”.

              In my opinion, there’s no such thing as “disrecpectful” in the mindset of the above. Why must think of being disrespectful? The Prize Catch always respect the man because she never take anything from him and then make him go crazy over her. She never does that kind of thing or carry that kind of behaviour.

              Unless the man ask him out PROPERLY (advance notice, etc), the Prize Catch is busy with her LIFE.

              Just my thoughts to share with others.

          • NinaNina,

            I see where the author is coming from and I think these ideas can be useful in daily life. However, she seems to define “attachment” very loosely, at least different from my definition.

            I’d like to clear up the concept of attachment. It seems to have been watered down a lot by Westerners since it first appeared in the ancient Indian Vedas.

            It is common for many writers today to borrow ascetic concepts from old religious traditions for use in modern, worldly life. But in my opinion, it is pretty much like swimming with a lead weight tied to your waist, hoping to win the race.

            I say this because eliminating total attachment is impossible unless you are seeking non-attachment itself as your life’s purpose, the way a monk or nun (usually of the Hindu and Buddhist tradition) would.

            Any desire indicates attachment.

            This includes desires at the most basic level, such as survival needs. Example:

            If you’re hungry, you want to eat so your body can survive. Why? Because you are attached to this body or being in this body. If someone were to hold a knife to your throat to kill you, you’d be scared and beg for mercy. If you weren’t attached, you’d be neutral, calm, and perhaps try to convince him (or her!) out of it with words, but you’d feel okay no matter what that person did. Such a rare person would probably be a yogic master of some sort.

            And there is another form of attachment: ATTRACTION. If you as a woman are attracted to men in any way, you’re automatically attached. Easy example:

            You’d certainly recall in detail when a guy last called you, texted you, emailed you, or paid any attention to you if he were someone you were definitely interested in, as in desirous of — which, as a result — attaches you to him.

            Therefore, if one were to not be attached, then one wouldn’t be on this blog seeking ways to figure out dating and men. You’d have to have some level of desire for dating and attraction to men in order to be seeking answers. So dating or being in a relationship without being invested is not possible.

            I suppose I like to have a more realistic view of the concept.

            Likewise, being uninterested in the world and having the world be interested in you is also not possible.

            If one were to be truly uninterested in the world, he or she would head up to a lonely mountain or forest and live alone in order to be left alone — NOT so that the world would take an interest in them.

            You can’t be sincerely uninterested in the world just so the world can be interested in you. That only means your motive is to make the world interested, showing your true intentions and….attachment.

            The level of one’s attachment to the object, person, or circumstance is directly correlated to the level of one’s desire for it. There is no escape from attachment unless, again, as I stated, your goal is to be non-attached. In which case, if one were serious, he or she would definitely be nowhere found on this blog or any website that tells them how to date or find a relationship.

            You can easily tell when you aren’t attached to something. First, you aren’t attached because you never wanted it that badly in the first place. Think of that guy you weren’t at all attracted to who stopped calling you. You won’t miss him at all unless you just enjoyed his attention for ego reasons. But other than that, you won’t be thinking about him that much if he disappears. In fact, you may not even recall when he last called you.

            Same thing with a job you don’t want. If it is given to someone else, you wouldn’t be disappointed.

            Imagine losing loved ones, including pets. The fact that you’d be upset or cry means you’re attached. Now, can you feel sad and be non-attached? I doubt it. There is still some type of attachment involved in order to elicit that emotion in you.

            Reading about the death of a stranger who died in some faraway land would not make you cry as easily than if you knew the person. Why? It’s the level of attachment you have.

            To know whether you’re attached to something is easy. Just do without it and see how you immediately feel. If you are not okay with its absence, then you are attached.

            Attachment is not a curse to be done away with (unless, of course, that’s your goal in life). It is to be understood. Once you accept that you do have attachments, you just need to monitor yourself so you don’t get bent out of shape over them, i.e., becoming obsessed (which is just an extreme from of attachment called “addiction”).

            It is wishful thinking, in my view, to want to eliminate attachments if you’re interested in dating or relationships. It is conceptually nice but practically impossible. And you all know I’m all about what works. Not what is SUPPOSED to work or would be great if it COULD work.

            There is no escape from attachment as long as you are operating in this biological body. That is exactly why those who SERIOUSLY want to be non-attached (and are sincerely not interested in the world) usually remove themselves from the constant bombardment of worldly reminders of all the desires they can or can’t have (and thus, suffer from the ups and downs of that).

            The only desire they really can have that won’t ever get them attached is the desire to be non-attached!

            So based on the above, original definition, it is a fallacy to say one can be non-attached in dating and relationships, in pursuing any worldly desire or even fulfilling basic survival needs.

            That being said, there is value in knowing when to let go, when to move on, and how to, like you articulated, live your full life so you aren’t being enslaved by your desire for a man. And what I do is show people how.

            • NinaNina permalink

              That’s what I was curious about… can we be non-attached? Of course my first thought when I looked at her page, was “That’s Impossible”. and that leads me to find out more. Trying to get the puzzles right, and looking at what you said. The author even include the advice for couples. So out of this world.

              Thank you for your response and thank you for allowing me to post it on here. It’s ‘scary’ to think that there’s a possibility to be non-attached? (at least stated by the author) and still be a human with relationships (romantic, family, work, school, friends, bf, gf, etc). It’s impossible and maybe if there’s a chance, I would find out more. Thanks again.

              *still need to get your Prize Catch Single. Juggling school and a full time job, my budget (and time) quite tight right now : )

            • NinaNina,

              Well, it’s always good to be curious and seek different perspectives. Best wishes to juggling your life right now. The EGuide will be here!

  2. moonbeam permalink

    How should a Prize Catch respond if a guy she’s attracted to asks her “Do you have a boyfriend?”, if she doesn’t have a boyfriend? Should she respond with “No, I don’t have a boyfriend” or should she give a creative/elusive answer?

    • Jane permalink

      It depends on if I like the guy. If I like him, I will say something like “I’m dating a couple of people right now, but nothing serious yet”. I try to make it sound like he needs to act soon if he wants a chance with me. Otherwise, another Suitor will win my heart first.

      • Anne permalink

        I’d simply say yes, I am single, and not mention anything about other suitors. That sounds very calculating / pompous.

    • I’ve had than happen a few times and always answered with a “no”. But then the guy never asked me out and I was left confused whether he was interested or not.
      So now i just say “Why do you ask?”
      I generally hate it when guys make comments or probe about me being single or taken.

    • Moonbeam,

      When a guy you just met asks that question, it is an opportunity for you to find out if he’s single and available without divulging too much. So you can say, “There’s nobody serious at the moment. What about you? Are you dating anyone?”

      By him bringing this up, it’s fair game.

  3. Jane permalink

    I find after years of dating that a common problem women have is that many of us are attracted to narcississts. They look good, sound good, and obviously have high self-esteem because they are so in love with themselves. The problem is that they are completely self-centered and either adore themselves or are so self-absorbed that they cannot really understand anything that does not involve them. Unless it is happening to important and powerful people. In which case, the situation becomes critical because it is affecting “his people”. You can consciously know that a guy is a narcississt, but it is very difficult to stop yourself for falling for them if your heart secretly hopes that you’re wrong and misjudged him. Unfortunately, your initial judgment based on observations of his behavior is usually right!

    • Jane,

      Yes, and when a woman is attracted to someone who is so self-absorbed, it could mean she’s okay with being neglected, okay with not being a Prize.

      Something to think about!

  4. Ewa permalink

    It’s always good to live optimally but you missed one thing in this calculation. As children people have parents and most people have children at some point of their life.

    It may be not fun to live without family. There is only one way to create your own family:(.

    • Ewa permalink

      I’m doing plenty if things alone and with friends but I still feel lonely. Having more friends/ spending more time with them doesn’t help. I need a deeper connection. Holidays without a family suck. I’m sure I’m completely mentaly healthy. I’m depressed because I don’t have a family. I’m still reading your blog cause I realised you might be right that chasing a guy never works but I still have to find a way to get him. And I completely don’t understand what is wrong with prioritizing family in your life. I feel like I delude myself while pretending a family is a “side dish”… I’m not from US and the society here is probably much more family oriented…

      I wish I was born as a guy (I’m not interested in operation of course). I could do their job perfectly and I wouldn’t be afraid of many rejections before final success. But I’m a woman and I can’t even start realizing my dreams:(. It always backfired.

      Being Prize Catch is not so simple as you think. It works only when you simply don’t care. I just understood why websites for men give the same advice as you (the only difference is that men are encouraged to have sex as soon as possible). It’s always better to date someone who is attracted to you and men want it too…

  5. dee permalink

    I agree! Just yesterday at my place of work, a frequent male customer who always compliments me about how pretty I am asked “So who is the man who stole your heart?” I told him I don’t have a boyfriend. (BTW I’m 23 in two days and this man is about 60 years old.) When I told him I didn’t have a boyfriend, with the utmost shock in this face, he asked “WHY??” In a tone that would make think being singe is the worst thing in the world. He further went on to say that “Wouldn’t I want a nice car and a house with all the luxury that comes with it? I responded, I already have these things. However, in mind, I’m thinking, why does this man think I have to be in a relationship, to have or get these things? Why does he think it’s impossible to be single and happy?

    Anyway when I read your post, it reminded of this situation. People make it seem as if it’s so horrible to be single and that there must be something wrong with you if you’re single. For me, if I wanted to not be single and if I wanted a boyfriend so desperately, I wouldn’t be single right now because I’d be less picky and pick the guy at the street corner or pick the guy who has been un-relentless in his pursuit of me for more than 2 years now. But I chose not to settle and I chose to spend my time preparing for my future regardless of if there is a man in it or not and if someone I like manages to come into my life then so be it, but I’m not going to go out of my way to not be single or go with just any guy so I won’t be single.

    • Dee,

      You’re a wise 23 year old to prepare for your future and not expect a guy to secure it for you. Hats off to you. You are the Prize Catch Single I have been writing about!

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