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When a suitor becomes a time-waster

December 30, 2014

As I said before, a guy is either a time-waster or a suitor. Anyone who is NOT a suitor is someone who shouldn’t be in the dating spectrum of your consciousness or you will get yourself in trouble.

It’s very obvious when a man is a suitor. He is pursuing you and taking you out on dates. Yay!

But how obvious is it when he becomes a time-waster?

You might think it’s the most obvious thing but when you’re in love and hooked (or just full of expectation), you are basically blind.

What makes a woman pull her hair out is when her suitor has become a time-waster but she can’t see it and is still treating him like a suitor from last year.

Know the most common signs and symptoms of a time-waster, no matter how long you have known him:

  • He keeps contacting you but there are no dates or hardly any.
  • He is contacting you less often and taking you out less often.
  • He’s all but disappeared.
  • He is taking you out on dates but there is still no committed relationship or progress toward one. (This man is technically still a suitor, just offering you a dead end, and dead ends are time-wasting so he is a suitor AND a time-waster!)

The suitor is a very distinct role a man chooses to play. Not every man who pays attention to you will become your suitor. And not every man who has become a suitor will stay one and eventually be your boyfriend or husband.

You only need one man for a relationship, so most suitors will eventually become non-suitors. This is reality. You just have to know when they’ve changed their tune so you can adjust your response.

Remember, without noticing their behavior, you’re only aware of your own feelings and hopes. When you respond according to your feelings and hopes only, this leads to heartache. So always pay attention to how they are treating you.

That being said, a time-waster can certainly become a suitor if he wakes up one day feeling highly motivated — but the chances are less common than the other way around.

When a man has proven he is a time-waster over and over again, it is highly unlikely he will know how to be your suitor in an effective and sincere way.

A woman who is stuck in viewing a guy as a suitor when he’s not, is a woman who won’t let go and adapt. It’s the same thing as staying with a once-loving husband who is now abusive and dangerous.

To not be able to adapt to change will only give you grief, so don’t lose your perspective when change occurs. Be nimble. Don’t hang on to something that no longer works or has never worked.

And most importantly, don’t try to change a man or stop him from changing. Happy New Year.

Get the secret weapon in dating and relationships when you Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

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16 Comments
  1. Honey permalink

    I just had to cut a guy loose for this. This guy would call or text me every couple of days, would check in on me, regularly asked me out on dates and was very enthusiastic about getting to know me. We had good conversations on the phone. I’d always end the calls after 15 minutes or so – not on purpose, but because I’d literally have things I needed to do! He’d tell me how much he liked me, that I looked good, I met his friends, we would go out to dinner and dancing and have a wonderful time.

    He was always respectful, even doing things like telling me to stay put and walking around to open my car door for me when we arrived at our destinations.

    We did this for maybe 6-8 weeks. Then, I finally slept with him (Yes, I know I shouldn’t have without a commitment, but I would have bet money that this guy wasn’t going anywhere)

    He didn’t go MIA right after we slept together, as a matter of fact the morning after we had a great conversation over breakfast and he even seemed like he didn’t want to leave when I told him I had things to do that day.

    In the days following, he still called and texted, although not QUITE as often as before.Then the weekend came, and he hadn’t asked me out. I did get few more texts during the week about him being out of town for business, which is totally legit for his profession. One text mentioned how he’d call me the next day.

    Another 5-6 days go by before he actually calls. I answer and before he can say much, I tell him that I’ll need to call him back later. I wasn’t just going to drop everything and give him my time when he failed to call when he said he would, without an excuse or apology. I wait a day and a half before I actually call him back, he picks up immediately and we have a pleasant conversation – but no mention of getting together. So now, two weeks with no mention of getting together.

    Then a few more days goes by and he sends a few generic texts, which I generically answer.

    Week 3 – same, generic texts, no mention of wanting to get together soon, although in one text he says he was “remembering our wonderful night spent together”.

    So, this morning the beginning of week 4, I sent him this:

    “So, I was thinking and it’s occurred to me that our intentions are different right now. I had a really good time with you, but It’s been almost a month now, and although I understand a man’s need for space, if we were on the same page you would have invited me out again by now. I still think you are a really cool guy and I’m really glad we met. Thank you for everything and I wish you the best”

    To which he replied a few mins later “I wish you the best too”.

    So, I guess that’s that!

    I’d still like your take on this, though.

    • Anne permalink

      Wow, I think you did your best though. He just wasn’t interested enough. I don’t think it would have worked anyways, if he’s not head over heals for you. I don’t understand though why he was chasing you so long if he wasn’t gonna stay with you. 6-8 weeks before sleeping him should be enough, so I’m a little confused. Maybe there were signs throughout, which you didnt notice, that he wasnt all that interested? I’d also love to hear One Truth’s take on this.

      • Honey permalink

        I don’t know Anne. I’m actually kind of bummed about it today. Sometimes I just feel like giving up! I started feeling bad about the message I sent him and followed up with another one this morning, telling him how I didn’t mean to sound mean or self-entitled, it’s just that I just have a low tolerance for certain things when it comes to dating because of my history with users and time wasters. No reply yet. I may get one, may not.

        That will be the last message I send, I just had to get that info off my chest for real closure.

    • Honey,

      This man is the perfect example of the Time-wasting Suitor. Someone who keeps dating you without exclusivity.

      You did the right thing by cutting him loose. Six to eight weeks is beyond the amount of time he needs to figure out if he should make you his girlfriend.

      You want a guy who is seeking a girlfriend, not a guy who just enjoys female company. There is a huge difference between these two types of guys. The former has the same goal as you do, and the latter does not.

      What is the sign and symptom of a man who just wants your company without exclusivity? A LACK OF A SENSE OF URGENCY in making you his.

      I can’t give you an exact timetable for when he should be stepping up, but like you said yourself, even withholding sex would not have changed his mind. So you knew him well enough at that point to know what was coming.

      The longer you spend time with a guy, the deeper emotionally you get involved. Hopes rise, feelings cement, and that is why you sent him a message being apologetic about the first one.

      I understand your need for closure. But you can get closure without contacting him. Closure is about yourself, not about him. And letting him know what your position is is a way of gaining control of a situation you can’t control. That’s perfectly understandable and I don’t want you to feel bad about it. But know that doing it this way is an indication of your need to be heard by him, when it most likely just strokes his ego in confirming he is even more desirable and wanted and sought after as a man.

      Accepting a man’s date confirms he is desirable. Anything beyond that just serves to inform him you want him way more than he wants you.

      If this ever happens to you again, DISAPPEAR. INTO THIN AIR as if you never existed in his life. That way, it would be up to him to find you and win your heart if he has that in him, not up to you to explain your position so HE can disappear on YOU.

      Men act, women respond. By giving him an explanation, you acted first. He responded with nothing. That nothing is what is giving you more pain.

      You are on the right track. Please get EGuides to further perfect your Prize Catch behavior!

      • Honey permalink

        Thanks for the response. I’m learning! I just deleted him from my phone, deleted his voicemails, and deleted him from my LinkedIn and Twitter accounts too. When I deleted him from twitter I scrolled through some of his old tweets, which I’d never bothered to do before, and saw some crazy stuff. He follows a few porn stars (fetish porn, at that – young white women who crave older black guys) and had made these young girls offers to come out and visit him!! Like, he’d tweeted to them “Hey such and such, you need to come to Dallas!” etc…EWWW! So apparently there’s a side of him I just didn’t see.

        I probably should have googled him when we first met. GOD help me, I’m so glad we used protection.

        I’m going to sign up for an email consultation, I have so many questions I need to ask.

        • Thank you for signing up for the Email Exchange. You know you dodged a bullet with this one! Yes, ewww!

  2. Ewa permalink

    Can you critisize a guy (or tell him he upset you) you are dating? If you just declined the next date, perhaps he wouldn’t know what was going on (and he wouldn’t have any chance to change his behavior).

  3. Anonymous permalink

    This is so true, and don’t forget to include flakes among the time wasters–a man who vaguely makes plans to see you on a certain day and calls you the day before to tell you he can’t make it–constantly. In the end it was I who couldn’t make it to the sloppily arranged last-minute dates.

    One Truth, I decided to ignore L and he waited 4 days before texting me “how was your weekend?” I wrote back “Sorry, but this isn’t going to work”. He replied “whatever” and I wrote back “be sure never to contact me again.” I may have burned my bridges this comment, but it’s not like he was anywhere near my ideal man anyway, so nothing lost.

    • Anonymous,

      Good! Now you can receive what you truly deserve. And the only bridge you burned was the bridge to nowhere. Well done!

  4. Bobbie permalink

    “don’t try to change a man or stop him from changing” is the best line I’ve heard for “The One”
    Anne, a modern day Casanova is just a PUA (pickup artist), they express what women desire, give what women desire, and hence they “pickup” and as they say “have game”. You seem to be attracted to these type of men, but fear the rejection that may become the the future (it’s only my little assumption and does not reflect who you may be). These men are exciting, not bounded by anyone or anything, dress well with an abundance of cash to spend … i’m assuming single life made them this way.
    As a Prize Catch you should sit and wait for a suitor to come to you, but there is a chance that if you wait too long you might hit “the Wall”, also the fact that most men don’t want to get married anymore for fear of frivorce.

  5. Anne permalink

    They know techniques that will make you ‘tick’, they are also very educated on the psycological background of seduction, and know which buttons to push in order to get results. They also use a bit of intuition, so they can figure out your weakness, what is missing from your life and pretend to be exactly offering that. Am I too paranoid?

  6. Anne permalink

    The One,

    Do you think women who are Prize Catch are immune to an experienced seductor, a modern day Casanova? By this, I mean a man who has expended a considerable effort to learn the inside out of the art of seduction, and you incidentally become the target of one. I mean someone, who has devoted a large part of his life to conquests, and probably a Prize Catch is the kind of challenge they are looking for (other women are less challenging) He is steady and persistent, and determined seduce because you look nonchalant. So do you think a modern day Prize Catch is immune to the modern day Casanova?

    • Anne permalink

      What is am asking is, how can you effectively defend yourself from a man like this?

      There’s a feeling when you feel hopelessly attracted, but at the same time, genuinely repulsed by the knowledge that you’re being seduced. You want something more but your gut, brain and boundaries say no. Can a prize catch not become a ‘victim’ in such situation?

      • Anne,

        Being a Prize Catch isn’t going to give you absolute immunity from anyone just like nothing in life guarantees you total protection — unless you want to curl up in a hole and avoid men for good.

        However, spotting a Casanova is pretty easy. Maybe it’s time you work on your own intuition. Can you get a feel for a man’s character in spite of his words and actions? If not, then you’re not picking up on his true essence. You’re allowing your need for love and romance to override your intuition, naturally endowed to every human being, especially females.

        Perhaps you need to change how you perceive your own self-worth. Are you worth deceiving and throwing away? Or being treated with sincerity and keeping for good?

        Value honesty, integrity, and trustworthiness over someone fancy, exciting, charming and flirtatious. SUBSTANCE OVER STYLE.

        It starts with YOU.

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