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Don’t hold your breath

February 12, 2015

There are too many people spreading the rumor that if it’s meant to be, it will happen.

Do you really believe that?

If that were true, then people who have suffered are meant to, deaths from whatever causes, including murder, are meant to happen, and women are meant to be raped.

Good things aren’t meant to happen any more than bad things are.

Look, the future is no more written in stone than which piece of candy falls out of a kid’s bag of trick-or-treats.

The only difference is one can try to control the factors that are within one’s control, in one’s favor, and set the pieces in motion to increase the likelihood of a desired outcome.

THAT BEING SAID…

If you have been single for a long time and aren’t dating, this means dating isn’t happening to you as effortlessly as it might for some women. This is a reality you must face and not dismiss.

Therefore, don’t hold your breath, waiting.

More than ever for many, it requires proactive choices on the woman’s part for a relationship to occur today. It is no longer a matter of going about your business and assuming that the universe will conspire to align the stars in your favor.

Sorry. The universe has no such intentions. It is just a body of stars and planets with space in between, teeming with energy, matter, as well as  inhabitants of all shapes and sizes that don’t know you, have any vested interest in your personal life, or have any power to make something happen according to your desires.

What are you doing in your spare time?

Hanging out by yourself, sticking to the same circle of friends, or meeting new people?

If you are meeting new people, are there men among them?

If you’ve been complaining on this blog or to friends that you’re single and can’t get a date, it’s time you regard this post as a wake up call.

Whatever you are doing, you’re either investing energy into meeting new men or not. Which one is it?

When nothing is working, change what you’re doing.

Don’t keep doing the same things and complain about the results.

Change might force you to give up your comfort zone. Change might force you to experience major upheaval. Change might force you to face your inner demons you have avoided confronting. Change might bring up unresolved issues of confidence and self-worth.

But until you are willing to CHANGE something you’re doing, you WILL get the same results that keep you exactly where you are now.

Of course…

There is nothing wrong with staying single and alone. Plenty of women thrive happily in this status.

But if you want to pair up, you have to be prepared to do something totally different and perhaps even, according to some, pretty drastic.

Drastic could be paying a professional matchmaker. Drastic could be taking up a challenging hobby. Drastic could be moving to another part of the country and starting from scratch just for fun.

And if it gets you the results, why not? You won’t know till you try, and try, and not give up.

This has nothing to do with pursuing a man. This has everything to do with changing your life and enjoying the journey.

When nothing else is working, GO FOR IT.

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17 Comments
  1. Ewa permalink

    Can men genuinely love? You said “He fall in love with you because you are his type”. I won’t be young forever. I need a guy who is my type either but I care whether or not he loves me. And he doesn’t care? So why he even should want to marry? Why not get a cute girl from a poor country (who struggle with surviving) for a one year journey and then come back for another one? You forgot guys in 21 century have option. You may be a Prize Catch but he still has options. He can have young women forever if the prettiness is the only thing he wants. Is it?

    • Ewa permalink

      Do you really think that all men are just animals and jerks who want to hunt and have sex instead of love and be loved?

      • Anne permalink

        No, there are plenty of good guys out there, and at the same time there are many ‘whores’ and ‘bitch’ type of women. A lot of women think that one night stands are great. I think the problem is when the good type of guys find these wrong girls, and when the wrong type of guys find the good girls. This is when things get messed up, hearts break, and people get more cautious with love (some of them become bitches/jerks in this process- so this is one reason why jerks/bitches exist in the first place). To be sure, I know many good people in my friendships, and I like to purposely seek out the company of those, and keep myself away from bitchy, jerks (men and women equally). The best way to identify them is to trust your gut (in the long term), because sometimes the wolves hide behind sheep’s clothing. And can I truly assure you, that there are many many great people out there, and a lot of guys who tend to be more gentle hearted than many women out there.

        • Ewa permalink

          I’m just curious whether these good guys are ok with doing all work.

          Changing your life maybe a path to nowhere. Or a good way to get friends (but you are not allowed to make friends with a guy you like so…). While friendships develop naturally, relationships are actively pursued.

          Generally a guy won’t pursue unless you gave him at least a non-verbal encouragement. Is it okay to lead on an unattractive guy thinking you will develop chemistry? I don’t think so. I’m totally lost.

          • Ewa permalink

            I could even try to date an unattractive guy but how to do it without leading him on? How long you can wait for developing chemistry. I prefer to go Dutch on dates at least in that case. Would it spoil everything?

            Great we are allowed to be single and happy (altough I don’t see why someone who is happy needs any explanation) but can we be allowed to be single and unhappy because of it? Therapy is a scam. I enjoyed only relationships. Anything else is just a work for me. An unpleasant work. Thats not good but thats true for me:(.

  2. Yoda permalink

    Bitter much? Lonely, no?

  3. Ewa permalink

    Pursuing a man obviously makes no sense (and it would be weird to pay for him or other stuff like that) but I don’t understand what is wrong with hanging out. It’s much better to end up with a good, mature, responsible, attractive guy than with a guy who just badly wants you. I met one suitor who was definitely immature.

    I regret I was trying to be a Prize Catch. I lost a chance to be with a nice guy:(. I know there was no guarantee but at least there was a chance. It was a very painful lesson:(.

    If a man doesn’t treat you well it’s his responsibility. I believe it has nothing to do with being a Prize Catch or not.

    I think there is one circumstances when being a Prize Catch would work. When you have a bunch of suitors you are attracted to. Only then.

    It’s easy to find a guy who would be a suitor. Just pick up someone much less attractive than you (or maybe even much older) and show him some warm feelings in a subtle way (genuine smile etc.). Guys are not stupid. They won’t chase you because you are a Prize Catch. They will chase you because you are out of their league and they have to do it.

    • Ewa permalink

      Of course it’s nice when someone buys you a coffee but I prefer buying coffee myself and dating a guy 10 years younger who has two times more hair instead.

      Could it be one of the reasons why guys give up pursuing? They may don’t want to be punished by lack of their girlfriend’s sexual interest.

      I never developed chemistry later in dating process. I hate leading someone on and disappoint him later…

      • Ewa permalink

        I guess that may be the reason why I don’t meet suitors. I will never get a suitor who is my age and at my level of attractiveness (I always thought it was a reasonable expectation…). Don’t get me wrong – I’m not trying to date the most cute guys. It just doesn’t make any sense for a guy to chase a girl when he can get “similar one” without a chasing or more attractive one with chasing.

        So this is something for something:(.

        But I don’t care of being “cherished”. I want to be loved in long lasting marriage… And I want to be able to love the man eiher.

        • Ewa permalink

          Maybe I don’t get your whole point of view because I haven’t bought all eguides. They are expensive altogether though. Is it possible that reading eguides separately can make no sense?

          Somehow applying your advice to my life leads to no progress.

          We have completely no idea who you are and only a blurry idea what do you believe. Can you write more about what do you believe? Are you one of those people who believes that a 35 year old man should marry 18 year old woman (I’m citing Plato I believe – I’m not sure). Do you believe that a woman who follows your advice has 99.9% chances for a great marriage?

          The worst drawback of being Prize Catch is you may discourage a guy after 2, 3 or 10 date because you never call first/ invite him. It may not help that you are sweet and do nice things for him. He can simply start to think you don’t care. Or after one date he may wait for your move and do not make a second one despite he badly wants you. He may decide you are too nice for openly reject him and respect “your choice”. It’s not easy to find a good guy. It’s a disaster when you discourage several of them unnecessary and spend many years alone.

          Yes, some girls can be happy being single. 18 year old girl who has loving family? Why not. 40 year old woman who has no living parents and no siblings? Miserable.

          How about kids being born sick because their mothers were so old?

          Researches show that singles are less happier. Personaly I’m depressed because of lack of close, intimate realtionships. Counsellors advice me to get a boyfriend.

          It’s not the a reason for getting the first guy you see of course.

          I’m ready to do what is going to work but I’m completely disinterested in proving my value to anyone. I don’t want to be so worthy that I end up alone.

          I could get an unattractive, old guy but I won’t love him and I don’t want to use anyone even for a couple of months. Just not.

          Sorry for grammar mistakes. I was never living in any English speaking country. Hope it doesn’t cause you are not reading my comments.

  4. This is one of your best posts and especially relevant for the modern woman. In the age of hookup culture and death of dating–there aren’t suitors readily available even for attractive Prize Catches. Dating just doesn’t “happen”. Of course you can’t force someone to fall in love with you. But we have to be proactive about dating and make sure we do all that we can.

    As far “meant to be” is concerned, I think people use it more in the sense that there is some element of fate, chance, luck or non-controllable factors in finding someone. Why? Because you can do everything right and still it may not happen. You can do nothing right or nothing at all and still it happens. Sometimes no matter the odds, it happens. So they say–it was *meant* to be. And that is undeniable because you can’t control everything or everyone. This idea helps because some people take failure or non-happening personally and beat themselves for no fault of their own.

    Expecting the Universe to hand you anything–be it a job, man whatever is just lazy. Some people just use “meant to be or not meant to be” as an excuse.

    “Meant to be” does not exclude personal effort, rather it is what happens in addition to personal effort.

    • Kishmisherie,

      Yes, certainly not everything is under our control, even with the best intentions and meticulous planning! But thanks very much for complimenting and sharing your thoughts. I’m glad you are able to work with “meant to be” — my mind just can’t seem to wrap itself around it and that is why I have a problem understanding where people come from when they use it.

      But you and Carpe Diem have offered me your explanations which make a bit more sense now. Thank you!

  5. carpe diem permalink

    Hi! I understand to some extent what you are saying here. But I don’t think “it was meant to be” is a black and white statement. There is always gray and “when bad things happen to good people” can be debated further into a religious cause. Some things are meant to be. Such as when things fall perfectly into place with no effort on your part. Some things yes, take thought, effort and maybe change. I think if you put positive energy into the “universe” you get good things back. If you put negative then thats what you get back. However, I don’t think you can say “universe, please find me the man of my dreams or the perfect job” I think you can put positive energy out there and effort as well and get what you want. It sounds negative saying that “nothing is meant to be” Things and situations in my life have been meant to be. I didn’t think so at time time. But the saying hindsight is 20/20 allows you to look back and say “whew all that happened for a reason and was meant to be” Another example is being in the right place at the right time. Well you didn’t know that you were in that situation, until something like getting a dream job or meeting your future spouse, just because at the last minute you decided to take a left turn vs a right. It was meant to be….

    • Carpe Diem,

      Thanks for sharing your viewpoint. That’s true there is cause and effect in our actions.

      I guess for me, saying something is “meant to be” hasn’t been useful in my life due to my own understanding of its inherent meaning: which is that something is supposedly destined, when it’s so hard to determine what is destined and what isn’t. Are only good things destined and meant to be? If so, why not bad things? Who decides?

      I can certainly say death is meant to be for all of us. And life’s ups and downs are meant to be. Nature’s wondrous or catastrophic ways are meant to be. This is a philosophical question not intended to elicit a debate here — just food for thought!

      But your thoughts on the usage of the phrase is helping me understand it better!

      • Marketa permalink

        One Truth, I’m aware this article is more than two years old, so the chances are that you might have either found an answer to the ‘meant to be’ problem by now, or perhaps have discarded the whole thing altogether.

        I’m definitely not qualified to teach anyone anything about this, however, in case you’re still interested to find out a bit more, may I recommend an excellent book by Tania Kotsos ‘The Adventure of I’. It’s one of the ‘heaviest’ books I personally have read, and can take some small mind-adjustment as it’s essentially based around metaphysics, so it provides quite a bit of intellectual stretch, but Tania is an absolute expert in the field and explains the problem in a plain language, well, as plain as the subject matter allows…no quick-win mumbo-jumbo but very carefully researched presentation.

        Having read the book, I certainly don’t think I have all the answers, in fact I feel I know less that I knew before, but it offers a completely new perspective…just an idea:-)

        • Marketa,

          Thanks for the recommendation. Sounds very interesting!

          I received your payment — thank you for signing up for one Email Exchange. Glad to help as always and will reply to your email as soon as I get the chance.

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