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How men fall in love

March 31, 2015

So I have reiterated throughout my EGuides and posts that men don’t need to have sex with you to fall in love. So what DO they need?

First, they need to be attracted to you in some physical way, after seeing you in person or a picture of you. The reason this is important is that you want a guy who can be a life partner to you, not a guy who just wants you as a friend he can’t make a significant other out of.

When a guy is not attracted to you physically, it’s a dead end. No amount of his involvement in you will make him be the partner you want.

Once a man can be turned on by you, the rest is up for grabs. This means he can then develop an emotional attachment to you, and be primed to fall in love.

Contrary to what a lot of women are doing, which is having sex with a guy based on the assumption sex will win his heart, it is allowing him to experience emotional fulfillment with you that will get him attached enough to have his heart won.

How Emotional Attachment Begins

He needs to feel the following when he is interacting with you:

1. He enjoys himself when he’s with you.

2. He feels comfortable in being himself.

3. He feels appreciated or admired.

4. He feels understood.

In other words, he needs to feel good to feel safe emotionally. When he feels so good that he feels safe, he will be able to expose his vulnerabilities and thus seek you for emotional fulfillment.

Love Becomes Inevitable

This is almost a guarantee, because men, as opposed to women, for the most part do not obtain emotional bonds easily with everyone in their lives. Women usually get emotional fulfillment from friends and family members, not just from their male partners.

A man’s best friend or closest friend is often his girlfriend or wife. Therefore, falling in love with you is almost the guaranteed result of emotionally attaching to you.

Don’t Fake It to Make It

Now does this mean you’re supposed to jump through hoops to please him? No. You’re supposed to be a Prize Catch with no drama.

Does this mean you’re supposed to keep him entertained with wit and humor? No, not if you’re not naturally witty or humorous.

Does this mean you’re supposed to gush praises and flatter him all the time? No. That is phony and feels phony.

What this means is if the two of you have some things in common and are compatible, there will be a natural flow to your conversation. There will be chemistry. You’ll enjoy the same things together. You’ll both feel so good with each other you’ll be emotionally more connected to one another.

Empower Him

You as the woman also want to feel empowered when you’re with a man, or you wouldn’t want to see him again, right? The same goes for him.

The starting point to emotionally attaching for everyone is feeling good. Therefore, complaining he is doing something wrong, criticizing him or his tastes and preferences, interrogating him, or controlling him in some way is simply going to cause him to shut down.

To find out how to communicate without making him feel demeaned or attacked, get the EGuides “Be a Prize Catch Girlfriend” and  “Be a Prize Catch Wife”.

Of course, if he’s one of those people who are used to being bullied or abused, then he will accept your treatment of him and continue to be with you while being emasculated. A toxic recipe for the both of you, but there are lots of relationships like this.

Hopefully you want a healthy relationship instead. So remember that feeling safe with you by being empowered around you is what allows a guy to become more emotionally open, involved, connected, and ultimately so attached as to not EVER want to be without you.

Get the secret weapon in dating and relationships when you Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

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36 Comments
  1. Sarah permalink

    Needs Advice,

    I have known this guy for a while just through knowing people in the circle of people. I have run into him for years and chatted briefly..well in march I ran into him at a show and we started talking and really hit it off. We kept in touch over text and calls and made plans to see each other over the easter week-end, now this guy doesn’t have tons of girls always around him, he has girls as friends but is picky with who he dates, he has only had 2 serious relationships and is looking for a relationship. While we were keeping in touch over texts, it became apparent that we really liked each other and had a lot in common, plus physically attracted. So easter week-end happens and it was great, so sweet and nice. I left on Monday, and sent him a text saying I had a n amazing time..he send one back saying he had a lot of fun. Now the texts seemed to have slowed way down, he did text saying he would love to see me again, I texted back saying we should make a plan to meet up again, no response, I know he is very busy at work, but he can still post on facebook…so I texted late the next day asking if things were ok, and if we were still on the same page as before because he seems distant and I wasn’t sure if something had changed..before we met up for easter week-end we talked about being together, and how we had found each other and were only wanting each other, he never responded to that text either…..now I am so confused as to what I may have done. im pretty upset because I thought things went great!….please give me some advice

    • Sarah,

      If you get my EGuides, you will know that there is no substitution for a date a man has planned and executed in order to be with you. Anything else, including bumping into you somewhere, texting, and calling mean NOTHING.

      Until you accept this strict definition of interest — only indicated by a DATE — you will be strung along, doing guesswork, and not sleep like a princess.

      He can say he would love to see you a million times over. But if he isn’t taking you out, what’s the point of believing him? It only makes you suffer.

      If being busy is the reason he isn’t taking you out on dates, then how do billionaires busy traversing the globe doing business deals manage to wine and dine their wives-to-be? If they are able to squeeze in a date here and there, this guy can too — IF HE IS INTERESTED.

      Don’t let texting and Facebook be your minimum requirements. Let a date be your ONLY requirement.

      Plus, know your role. You are the one that’s supposed to be pursued. Initiating, reminding him or asking him to go out with you always backfire.

      It’s been years since he’s known you. Move on. He knows where to find you and he knows how to chase. Little boys chase things all the time. Grown men don’t forget how.

      • belleza permalink

        Well it turns out he sent another facebook message saying he didn’t think we had a deep strong mental connection…I was with him for 3 days and it was good, we went out for dinners, he made me dinner, it was just a nice time…I’m not sure where this came from..he said that he wasn’t sure if we had a strong deep mental connection to have a fullflling long term relationship….the texts he was sending prior to the 3 day weekend together were all about being together…I know what you said about them meaning nothing but I’m so hurt by this. We would spend hours talking on the phone without issue and now he thinks we don’t have a connection…wouldn’t he pick up on that while we were talking? I just don’t know what happened….

        • Belleza (Sarah),

          Yes, it does hurt when someone you’re into isn’t into you. Or, he could be commitment phobic even if he does have feelings for you. But at the end, he can’t give you the relationship you’re looking for.

          First of all, have you been initiating contact? Also, did he invite you out to dinner all on his own? These questions are very important. I urge you to get well-versed in the principles of being a Prize Catch as explained and elaborated in my EGuides. You want to be able to see the writing on the wall BEFORE getting involved emotionally. I can’t tell you how important it is to recognize the signs of a time-waster, which he was and is. He’s known you for years. He never stepped up.

          Spending hours on the phone with a guy is treating him like a friend or therapist (which you should NEVER do as stated in this article), not like a suitor. If you had treated him like a suitor you would have gotten off the phone, preferably after he’s asked you out in order to obtain the privilege of spending time with you.

          Whether it’s really a mental connection that’s missing or not for him is inconsequential to what can help in learning from all of this so you don’t repeat this again.

          FACT: Men don’t need intimate relationships as much as women do. Therefore, they MUST step up as in initiating contact AND dates. And make you his girlfriend if he’s single. There is no other way for a woman to know for sure if he deserves her time and emotional investment.

          No amount of chatting, texting, and conversation can substitute this PROOF of his interest. Or else, she is left with deepened feelings for him when he was merely being friendly, social, or bored.

          That is why I wrote this blog, to caution all of you out there who are treating men as if they were women like yourselves. No they are not. You do what you do for your reasons, and they do what they do for THEIR reasons. Know the difference!

          • belleza permalink

            True we have known of each other for years, he lives in the city, I live farher out ,so one night out with my girlfriends I ran into him. We chatted and ended up hanging out all night till the next morning, I had to leave to go back home so we exchanged numbers, and he texted saying he would like to see me again, so we made plans for easter weekend, it was 2 weeks away so in that time we kept in touch via text and calls..over the course of texts and calls things progressed since I work early mornings I would always send a good morning message and once he was up we would talk throughout the day, I thought he was becoming more attached because his texts were geared towards us being together, I’m the only one he wants, he’s never had feelings like this for someone. We discussed our past relationships, he’s 36, and has only had 2 semi serious relationships..they lasted 3 years and were troubled/dysfunctional and were on and off, he’s never lived with a lady, he’s in a band and lives with a roomate…despite all this we had alot in common, we are comfortable with each other and aren’t you suppose to be friends with you’re partner?..anyways he was mking it seem that we were a couple, when easter weekend came I went and saw him and he took me out for dinner, I offered to pay half just cause the bill was high. We had a good time, the next day we spent it sight seeing around the city again a great time, good conversation…the following day, he made me dinner and we stayed in watching movies..I had a weird feeling..it seemed off..but I chalked it up to being tired and I’ve been in his space for a while, the next day I was leaving, it was an odd feeling for me again, I just wasn’t sure where his head was at…I left and the texts stoped or were short and not lovey like they had been, I asked him if everything was ok after a day of weird texts…he responded 2 days later with the facebook message saying he didn’t think there was a strong enough mental connection…I was crushed…I responced with where I was coming from..no responce..I sent 1 last message last night after a week of not talking, I asked him if we could start over and re do everything and go on a date to talk…no responce…I had to try for my own piece of mind…if this is over because of something I had done, I had to try..I asked him to not send another rejection facebook message but if hewas at all intrested in this, to please text me….nothing back. Wth happened

            • belleza permalink

              He talked about taking me to work functions

      • belleza permalink

        P.S ….

        Sarah and Belleza are the same account..I made 2

  2. Ewa permalink

    If there is a better thing than love I don’t know it. And you tell us we can’t directly look for love because we are women. All this Prize Catch behaviour is accommodating men actually. Because they have to choose someone attractive – you are a woman, this is not your right. They have to feel power. They have to feel joy of chasing. They can do all concrete things and you have to do everything “somehow”. Somehow be happy, somehow find a man without looking for, somehow appreciate him without paying! Terrible sexism.

    • Ewa,

      You’ve been posting a lot for a while now, questioning the entire gist of the advice on this blog. Perhaps it is your way of sorting out your own doubts but it is undermining what I am trying to say.

      Not that you should agree with me all the time, but you often misstate what I’m saying, potentially confusing others or turning them off against what the narrative is. Of course, they might even find your comments amusing to read. I don’t know, but I can’t allow it anymore.

      I understand you are against counseling or any self-transformation. Fine. Then there is nothing I can do to help you, and this blog is clearly not giving you the answers you’re seeking.

      I don’t see how posting over and over on this blog will solve your problems when you disagree with the advice in the first place. It’s become an unhealthy habit, one which I don’t wish to support. Therefore, I ask that you no longer make comments on this blog as what they are aren’t just comments, but rants.

      Future comments from you will be blocked or deleted. I’m sorry nothing that is written or said here is giving you what you need. I sincerely hope you can find the right answers for you.

  3. This is absolutely correct The One! You’re right–men def. need to feel physical attraction and only then can lust turn into love if you are compatible and you make him feel good, safe, appreciated, admired and understood.
    The order is important too. Many women can make a man feel good, safe, appreciated etc. but they land into the friend zone because physical attraction is absent or not enough. I dare say, men don’t have a very high criterion for physical beauty–they just want to feel attracted physically.

    In addition to emotional attraction, I would add that the personality of the woman also has to be attractive. Men lose attraction to clingy, desperate women who run after them and behave like doormats or are extremely boring with nothing to say for themselves. A Prize Catch already has this because she is unapologetically herself, keeps her life interesting, has high self esteem and her behavior reflects her high value.

    I think the important thing to note here is that these are also things that make a woman fall in love with a man among other things. So it is important that the man make the woman feel safe, comfortable, appreciated, cherished, valued etc. IN RETURN–otherwise it doesn’t work.

    The question is who goes first? When I meet men, I find many of them are clueless. Just as men must take the initiative in dating, I find that I have to take the initiative in building emotional intimacy. I have to appreciate them first, show confidence in them first, make them feel comfortable first. THEN they start reciprocating and pursue harder if there is attraction present. Few men do these things for me at the outset. That is what I find disappointing. It feels like a lot of work. I have to draw them out emotionally even if they are the ones planning the dates and pursuing. It seems this burden falls on the woman otherwise there aren’t many guys left to date.

    I know you said that when you have things in common with another, conversation just flows, you enjoy yourself and chemistry builds on its own. But to wait for the this to always happen naturally means you are leaving too much to fate. I’m not saying you have to fake anything or create chemistry where there is none. But it takes some time and effort to bring about what is already there but hidden.

    This has been my greatest frustration in dating so far–that I have to show understanding and appreciation first and then maybe it is returned. Most men I meet are so emotionally unfulfilling especially in the beginning, I wonder what is the point of dating sometimes and want to give up.

    • Kishmisherie,

      I see what you’re saying.

      There are men who are emotionally in touch with themselves who are able to open up. It’s a matter of being in the right places to meet them.

      That being said, no one is going to have everything you want. See it this way, if it helps to lessen the frustration: men have to pick up the tab, women have to create the emotional bonding. He’s got burdens and so do you. But you don’t have to view it as a burden. It’s just a role due to being your gender. Kind of like if you’re a bird, you fly. If you’re a fish, you swim.

      If that’s what it takes to be in a good relationship, that’s only fair that each has a role. Not to say you couldn’t afford to pay or he couldn’t establish emotional connection, but everybody’s got something to do. Don’t fight your natural feminine abilities. Fighting against yourself is wasted energy and makes you unhappy.

      However, I think it is better to date men who are not stoic and emotionally shut down. You can tell right away when you talk to someone, even on the phone or text, that he is emotionally out of touch with himself. Since this takes so much work for you, skip him and go on to the next!

      Just accept of course that nobody will have it all.

      • Thanks for the reply. So you are suggesting that I continue to make the effort to build emotional intimacy but let go if the guy won’t open up and is emotionally closed. That’s fine I guess if we each accept our respective roles.
        But I have seen cases where the guy did the pursuing as well as got the girl to open up emotionally because she was very shy/introverted.
        I wish I would find someone like that. Not sure what makes someone want to make the effort to really draw someone out. Those girls were nice but not remarkable in any way. I guess I’m not the kind to inspire that kind of romantic interest where things just fall into my lap without doing anything.
        What if I don’t see/meet that many men who are worth the effort? Building intimacy would be a lot easier and less stressful if the guy was actually really kind, funny, smart and attractive. The complete package is hard to find these days and there is too much competition these days. Given that men go for physical attraction first, the hottest women with high EQs are the ones who are winning, not ordinary women like me–no matter what other wonderful qualities they might have.

        • Kishmisherie,

          Men who go after the hottest women are usually superficial and might not be very interesting to be with. Therefore, you may not enjoy being with such men anyway.

          You also want to ask yourself if you are using looks only on which to base chemistry with a man. Be honest now! If that’s true, then you are avoiding emotional intimacy, which you actually do want.

          There is no complete package in a man. If there is, life still happens. He may have a family member who may be a problem. Something else might interfere and rock your boat. The woman who manages to snag a great guy eventually finds out she gets triggered into fits of jealousy having to contend with all the women who flirt with him. Or being annoyed that he being a nice guy has a hard time fending these women off.

          It’s best to focus on values, personality, stability, and non-physical traits that can contribute to chemistry — not just his looks.

          And if a woman refuses until the whole package comes along, then she is in a for a long and rough ride. Remember that you have the choice of opting to be a happy single while increasing your exposure that creates opportunities to meet new men.

          I urge everyone to not discount the merits of being a happy single. Singles still date. But a happy single isn’t going to rely on Mr. Right to appear in order to experience happiness. Nor should she when he does appear. The EGuide “Be a Prize Catch Single” is indispensable when it comes to what to do MEANWHILE, UNTIL, or forever.

          • I didn’t say the hottest women are winning but hottest women with high EQs–so men who like them aren’t superficial. They want the whole package too and no one can deny that looks are very important to men.

            I am not relying only on MY looks to attract men because I don’t have them! As in, I am not beautiful/pretty/hot esp not in any conventional way. So this is not an option for me anyway, regardless of subjective tastes. Even if I were hot, I wouldn’t rely on my looks only–that doesn’t reveal true compatibility nor does it allow you to select good quality men who want looks but a little more than that as well.

            I agree there is probably no ideal men but a few men are the complete package which includes having a backbone and decency to not flirt/encourage other women and be loyal and fend them off.

            I agree it is best to focus on values, personality, etc. but sophistication, looks etc. are the first barrier. The question of values come only once that first hurdle is crossed, unfortunately.

            I agree with the rest of what you said- to be a happy single and not wait endlessly for the whole package who might never come along.

            • Kishmisherie,

              Thanks for clarifying. In my previous reply to you I meant to say if looks on a man are important to you, not questioning whether you’re using your own looks to meet men.

  4. Another enlightening post with the kind of wisdom you can’t find anywhere else. Thanks, One Truth!

  5. Ewa permalink

    Exactly, it doesn’t make any sense to believe you can’t look for the fullfilment in love because love is about it!

    Self-love is a fake concept. Only selfcare exist but this is a different thing. I was trying to love myself my whole life: singing for myself when I was 7 and sad, counting time when I was 10, alone and scared and writing letters in the evenings for myself when I was 12 – just to feel better in the morning (and having the impression I’m reading something “new”). I tried my best but it was just a poor substitute. I end up being 17 and depressed. Now I know I made it wrong. I should have tried to find other loving people (the earlier the easier – people are more willing to comfort children; also it’s easier to find a lot of friends/ boyfriends when you are younger). As long as you are not abused – any relationship is better than nothing.

    People who believe in self-love want to have control over something they do not have control. You will never do this by yourself. Unpleasant but true.

  6. Anne permalink

    Great post again!

    Thanks very much for all the enlightening info!

    And as a girl, I’d say the necessary ingredients are very similar for women (at least for me)

    I’d only add one thing which is also necessary for women:
    feeling safe in the guy’s presence (i.e. physical safety and not only emotional). – at least for me it is very important that the guy could protect me, with his intelligence and/or physical strength

  7. Less Confused permalink

    Thank you for such a caring response, the One!

    I know you’re right. And I admit I felt so embarrassed when I read this – as if something is wrong with me or I’m missing some screws in my head. I don’t know why it’s so difficult for me to see this when it’s so obvious. I guess, it’s the old comfort and fears that were creeping back in.

    What I believed was that by loving him I was also loving myself. The more I sent loving thoughts towards him and encouraging words – the more I was allowing those things for myself too. So I did sort of see it all as mutually beneficial, except he wasn’t able to love back in those ways..

    And a couple times after sending really long winded and supportive emails – I remember feeling sad and drained and I couldn’t figure out why. And I cried because I felt like I’d reverted somehow but I didn’t want to believe it.

    It’s like I wanted to hold on to him so much because – I don’t know, I love him being around me. I love the attention he gives me, I feel less alone. I hope that doesn’t sound stupid. And I thought, well, if I’m aware of that about myself then it’s harmless because I can be in control of how much I let myself go. Or how far I’m willing to invest myself emotionally.

    But I don’t know, you’re still right because he’d be promising me all these things and raising my hopes for our future and telling me how much he loves me – and the truth was NONE of that stuff meant anything to me from the place he was at in his life. It’s like it all went in my ear, felt good for a second, and right out. Even if it was real, only God knows, it felt bad because it wasn’t our reality. It’s like we were pretending – like you said – so it didn’t feel like our words had any substance. You are so right, we are like fooling ourselves.

    I do believe it’s time for me to change my life and my habits and stand for what I really want instead of letting a guy decide what’s best for me. I know what I need to do.

    Thank you for encouraging me and helping me get clear about what’s going on – you advice is so valuable. God bless you!!

    • Less Confused,

      Thanks for your kind reply and appreciation. I’m pleased you are receptive to hearing what may not be what you want to hear! That’s the first step!

      Loving someone else doesn’t teach you to love yourself, unfortunately, whereas the opposite is true: When you know how to love yourself, you will know how to love someone else. The reason is that without loving yourself already, loving someone else is actually a way to replay old trauma wounds of loving a parent (or prime caretaker) who couldn’t love you the way you needed. You reenact what is familiar. You choose the characters in the play for this reenactment.

      You chose him, someone who probably has similar issues of having UNMET CHILDHOOD NEEDS, to be your co-actor in this re-dramatization. And he chose you for the same reasons. And due to unmet needs that can only now be fulfilled by your ADULT SELF, trying to get the other person to meet your needs simply won’t work.

      I’m adding a lot more to what you initially asked for but I’m hoping this will help to clarify why changing your programming by meeting your own needs and loving yourself is so crucial for everything else to fall in place.

      Just remember not to beat yourself up for not knowing better or slipping backward or making mistakes. Loving yourself is not beating yourself up in any way, no matter WHAT you do, but simply accepting your past decisions and be willing to learn from them and make changes if possible.

      All the best!

      • Ewa permalink

        Do you know any scientific reasearch which confirm your point of view? I’m asking cause after many years of therapy I know what counsellors are saying. They talk about “grieve” and “having realistic expactations” but professionals never give you advice “love yourself and you’ll be healed” (for me it would sound like: stop normally living untill you somehow “fix yourself”). They say you should meet your emotional needs in relationships with adults. Therapy just helps you having realistic expactations (for me therapy was useless; I always have reasonably realistic expactations). Some therapist also wants you to meet your emotional needs in relationships with them but for me it never worked. I knew it’s just their job, I want real love. The bad thing with therapists is some of them are really patronising. They give you a label and assume you cut yourself or don’t have friends and this is really annoying.

        But the truth is you can’t love others unless you recieved at least minimum of love. It has nothing to do with loving yourself. Self care is important because it’s healthy and additionally then you have more to give others. But you can’t meet emotional needs on your own. Emotional masturbation is pointless. I wish someone told me that earlier.

        I think it’s a tempty way of thinking. You have always yourself so applying “self love” is so easy and straightforward. The only problem is it doesn’t work. Actually it drains you.

        Personally I feel really bad when I hear that kind of advice because it’s sounds like: leave people alone, go love yourself. Like you are thirty and someone shows you dirty river and say: go drink there. And this is not possible.

        Btw. not only children need love. Adults need it either. So you are not meeting your childhood needs, you are meeting your current needs actually. “Childhood unmet needs” affects you attachment style (and this is scientificaly proven) but people do not have two selfs. They do not have adult self ready to look after child self. As a human being you are whole and you have “whole” needs. You can’t have a need just for a part of yourself!

        • Ewa permalink

          I was actually more happy as a child than I am now. The problem is women develop strong need of emotional intimacy during puberty. In theory you can fulfill this need in family or friendships but the problem occurs when you don’t have family and all your friends are focus on their own families, young children etc. That’s why single women in their 20s and 30s feel so bad. After you finish college friendships are not the same anymore (and also friendships are never as fullfilling as romqntic relationships). I appreciate your advice when you talk about men but I just want to tell you as someone who went throuh “self-love pursuit” that this is just a cheap pop feel good psychological myth. When you are hungry you need stuff: food. When you are poor you need stuff: money. Why emotional needs should be different?

          This is HARMFUL idea. Same as affirmations.

      • Less Confused permalink

        Hi The One,

        Yes, it really is hard news to hear! But when you say it, it makes more sense. I’ve had people in my life try to say what you’re saying – but with meanness and harshness and insults but you just put it in a way that was real and honest and without judgement.

        It is very empowering to be spoken to honestly and frankly without someone coddling you or controlling you.

        Thank you for that a hundred times over!

        All the best to you too! xoxo

  8. Confused permalink

    I forgot to mention all of our communication has been over email only, he’s asked for my phone number but I just haven’t offered it yet and don’t plan to anytime soon.

  9. Confused permalink

    Hi the one,

    I could really use some help. There is a guy in my life that has been in and out for 5 years and we’ve been through hell a thousand times. He is getting professional help right now for his issues and recently has been in contact with me after 8 months no contact. He is not a Suitor in the way you describe. But because we’ve had that history, I’ve started communicating with him to tell him I still care and hope he gets well and to encourage him a little – but I have not agreed to meeting him in person. Or going on a date or anything like that. Plus, he doesn’t have a car or a job yet so I don’t want to do that all over again, as in, take a bus to meet him (which is what I used to). He is definitely pushing for us to meet when he returns home in a few short weeks and I’ve gently told him that I don’t feel neither of us are ready for a relationship yet, and I’ve even expressed to him that I still care and would love to be with him when he is in a more stable place in his life. He agrees, but keeps on pressuring me to meet and to stay really connected as he feels that my presence in his life is so important for him getting better. I’m summarizing big time, of course, but we’re both also very spiritual so I’ve taken it upon myself to share with him some of the encouragement that I’ve received in life so that it can be a blessing to him as well.

    My question to you is – am I doing something wrong by communicating so much with him? Am I making a huge mistake by giving him this attention right now? I believe I am a prize catch but I also believe in friendship and slow progress.

    I know you think that suitors have to have a few things going for them like a car and a job – at the very least – and I agree that a man should be able to take care of himself but somehow I feel totally heartless and superficial ignoring or cutting off a guy I care about for those reasons alone. I mean, I agree to the whole not agreeing to go on a date but what if like us, we’re just sort of clarifying who we are to each other and I’m explaining what I believe is good for us…is even that too much? Is this a matter of self-restraint that I haven’t totally grasped yet?

    I know I have a soft spot for him and he pulls on my heart strings a lot despite him having treated me like crap in the past – is this a weakness? stupidity? am I too nice? Should I have cut him out of my life completely?

    Please help!

    • Confused,

      If you want a friend, make friends with someone you’re not attracted to. Wanting to be friends with this guy is just an excuse to keep him in your life AT ALL COSTS. Meanwhile, where are the perks? None. There are only drawbacks, i.e., suffering. For you.

      What kind of suffering? We’re talking about a guy who gave you hell and who could not and cannot give you a healthy, long-term partnership.

      When you stay in contact with him, you develop deeper feelings and thus will become more and more attached. You’re spending time with him when you could be focusing on yourself and getting healthy yourself –,which ultimately gets you the relationship you really want.

      Even if you think typing emails isn’t much of an emotional investment, it really is, because you have an emotional need that you want him to fill and staying in touch is a way for you to meet that need.

      How much time have you got? If you have plenty of years to spare waiting for him to get right so he can be that boyfriend you dream of, while neglecting your own personal growth and transformation, you are taking a big risk. The risk is that first, he may not ever get right enough to be in a viable relationship, second, he may not end up with you anyway, and third, you will have put your life on hold for nothing.

      On the other hand, there is ZERO risk when you move on, sporadically wishing him a Happy Birthday or Happy Holidays perhaps if you must, just without consistent contact — contact that is guaranteed to enmesh yourself back into the life of a man with whom you experienced HELL.

      You have a soft spot for him and feel heartless for cutting him off because instead of having compassion for yourself which you are in dire need of, you direct it all to the very person who hurt you. This is the result of valuing someone else’s love over your own, deeming someone else more worthy than yourself.

      When you get used to being treated badly, being neglected and in pain become very familiar. It is almost like keeping an old friend around who sometimes puts you down because it’s better than being alone.

      I suggest you start learning to love yourself, be with yourself, deal with your feelings, and make choices that are healthy for you. Work on feeling totally worthy. This task is the most important thing you will ever do in your life. Everything else hinges on this very thing.

      The task of loving yourself will take time and effort. It takes practice. It takes tremendous will. It isn’t a fly-by-night activity that gives you results quickly. It is certainly not easy. It will require your attention. It will require ALL OF YOU, the ALL OF YOU you once gave to this man to no avail.

      Now it’s time to give it to you. He is trying to do the same thing for himself, if he’s getting professional help, so he needs to shift off you and focus on the work before him. But by attempting to stay in touch and pretend you can support each other when neither of you are healthy enough to do so, you both would be sabotaging each other’s efforts.

      When he’s healthy and ready, and if he’s still interested, believe me, he will get a hold of you. That’s the LEAST of your worries.

      If you believe deep down it is time for you to change yourself and your life, then you need to start with you — not with him. You need to totally shift your focus away from him. He needs to become a blurry reminder of the pain that got you where you are now.

      Wish him well, tell him what you need to be doing, and don’t get involved again. Two short emails a year is sufficient to stay cordial if you must: his birthday and the holidays. Anything more than that just keeps you from being in a good place yourself.

      • Less Confused permalink

        The One, I’m so grateful for your advice. I want to purchase a E-guide for my own benefit, and to show my thanks for your free advice.

        Considering my situation, would you recommend one for me? I’m thinking the Detox one might be best, lol.

        Thanks again and have a great day!

      • JaneIm permalink

        The One, this is a great response, but what if friendship finally becomes love because you nursed him back to health, but after just a couple of months the guy decides to take a world trip without you but instinstead goes with his sister for 3 months now. I am just curious because this same guy’s sister is trying to match me up with him, asking me to join the trip for at least 3 weeks, but I am feeling sorry for the “new girlfriend” that he left at home who nursed him back to health and waited and waited to finally be his girlfriend so not sure I should join even though I would like to visit the specific place they are going to. Women really take a lot of B.S.

        Happy Easter!

        • Janelm,

          Did he ask you to be his girlfriend? Because until he’s made you official, he isn’t your boyfriend and owes you no commitment to his heart, love, or travel itinerary.

          Nursing him back to health would be fine as long as you are either his official girlfriend or a purely platonic friend with zero romantic feelings or intentions toward him. You have to be clear about this for your emotional protection.

          And if he decides to take this trip without you, the girlfriend, then that shows you he how he feels about you — that he doesn’t want to share adventures with you.

          Women take B.S. because they choose to.

          • JaneIm permalink

            Thank you the One. Ummm… I am not actually the one who nursed him back to health. Nope. Just a bystander who is observing the whole thing unfold. He left the girl who nursed him behind and is traveling with his sister for 4 months!! His sister asked me to join for a few weeks, but I get the feeling she wants to match me up with him. I was just saying, I feel bad going because I feel sorry for the girl he left behind. That’s all. Just thinking how waiting for a guy to go from a friend to more often ends badly.

            • Janelm,

              I see, thanks for clarifying. Definitely waiting for a guy to go from friend to more is a bad idea. One should never be waiting for a guy to make her his girlfriend. Waiting is “putting your life on hold” for something that may never be. Time is better spent moving on to greener pastures!

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