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Never help a guy date you

July 20, 2015

If you find yourself doubting whether or not you are showing sufficient interest in a guy, chances are, he hasn’t shown sufficient interest in YOU!

I say this because it is so easy to help a guy out:

  • He didn’t ask you for your number? Give him yours.
  • He didn’t ask you out? Suggest it yourself.
  • He didn’t specify a day and time? Let him know when you’re free.
  • He didn’t come up with a place to go? Mention your favorite restaurant.
  • He didn’t offer to pick you up? Suggest meeting him there.

If helping a guy date you worked, that would be all I would be writing.

But it doesn’t work.

When a guy wants to see you, all he needs to know is if you want to see him too. He doesn’t need you to become the Activity Coordinator and make reservations.

Once you respond to his request to see him, he can and should do the rest. If he can’t, he doesn’t want to. Or if he’s incapable of it, you definitely don’t want him to be your boyfriend.

You already have a job. You don’t need another one. You want to be a girlfriend, not the Director of Scheduling.

Get the secret weapon in dating and relationships when you Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

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31 Comments
  1. Confused Soul permalink

    I REALLY need some advice to clear my head. I’m sorry this is long but it’s been a complicated journey.

    So I’m in my second year of university. There’s this guy I met in my first year who was quite attractive – tall, buff body and a pretty good looking face – but at this point I wasn’t into him. He was just an eye candy I enjoyed looking at, but nothing like a hardcore crush or “OMG I have to talk to him” thing. When we first made eye contact, I smiled at him to be polite. He may have interpreted this as an expression of interest, because a few days later as I was coming down the steps from the library he happened to be sitting at the bottom of the stairs but with a girl next to him – they didn’t seem to be romantically involved because there was quite a distance between them. I looked up and saw him and he locked eye contact with me with a pretty confident smile.

    I didn’t return the smile because a) I thought the girl next to him might actually be his gf after all, and she was looking down so if he was doing that he would be doing it behind her back, which I thought was uncool and b) I wasn’t really looking for a relationship at the time (remember I wasn’t into him – he was just someone interesting to look at). We held the eye contact for at least a second or two then he looked away. I didn’t feel anything at the time, just glad that I didn’t give the wrong signals.
    We ran into each other again a few weeks later when we were both asking questions to the lecturer. It turned out that he was in his second year and had completed a paper I was going to do in the next semester. I asked him about it and he explained, but mostly I responded with “Oh I see” (apart from asking something like “Is it as hard as everyone says it is?”) because I didn’t know how else to continue the conversation. It was my turn to ask the lecturer a question and the lecturer complimented on how “good students like me” can pick up on these things. The guy (let’s call him B) repeated my question because he didn’t understand it. After a little while B walked away and we had no further conversations that year. Once the semester was over I completely forgot about him.

    This year, on the first day, I realised that B was taking the same paper as me because he was walking into the lecture theatre and I saw him (before he did) as I was waiting outside the theatre for my friend. Out of corner of my eye I saw him staring at me, maybe out of recognition but who knows? I didn’t look at him because again I still wasn’t so interested and it just felt awkward to return the stare. I ended up sitting with my friend in the row in front of B though.
    The next couple of days/lectures, I waited outside the lecture theatre for my friend as he usually arrived later than everyone else. I would see B and he would do little things to try and catch my attention – eg holding eye contact while running his fingers through his hair or standing out of his seat to see me walk into the lecture theatre etc. I smiled politely or didn’t do anything at all.

    An amazing coincidence occurred where I was added to a FB group for a course that I wasn’t even doing by a friend of mine. I accidentally clicked on one of the members and the first profile of his friends turned out to be B. I recognised his face in the dp – it was very blurry for some reason (his other dp is just a black photo). His relationship status said “In a Relationship”. I didn’t want to tempt him or break up a relationship (totally against my code of integrity) so I decided to not respond to his signals at all. I spent the next few lectures acting normal, ie ignoring him since we’re total strangers. Then one day, one of my lectures got cancelled so I decided to go home early. I went to the usual bus stop (it was a Friday) and B happened to be there as well. I didn’t look at him because I felt too awkward and proceeded to get on the bus. B happened to be catching the same bus (just getting off at an earlier stop). I sat at the very front expecting him to go to the back. He sat down in the same row, on the outer edge, instead. I was quite taken aback but continued to look ahead. He turned his face towards me to look at me (I saw this from the corner of my eye) like he wanted to say something. I didn’t look at him, though I admit it was quite hard not to. After that I caught him glancing at me. Every time he made eye contact he immediately looked down, which was quite unlike his initial approach towards me. I supposed he learned that I wasn’t so inviting.
    I began to wonder if he was just a nice shy guy who was into me genuinely and alas, hope began to build up. I realised I should talk to him and clear this situation up (I’m wayyy past the subtle-signalling-and-spending-ages-trying-to-decode-the-little things-he-does stage, which is weird as all my other friends enjoy that game. I just think I have better things to do with the time spent on that) so I tried to catch him before the lecture but then for some bizarre reason he stopped turning up after a couple of weeks so I never got to see him. In the meantime I was getting frustrated because I wanted to get this out of the way. He started turning up again to the last 4 lectures. Just before the fourth to the last lecture I was standing outside the lecture theatre with a bunch of my friends and I looked around for another friend of mine and made eye contact with him. I didn’t smile, I immediately looked away. After the lecture I was talking to a guy friend of mine and I was expressing my frustration at how I couldn’t seem to talk to B, he offered to introduce me. I said no, and as I said it I glanced at B to see if he could hear our conversation and we made eye contact. I looked away quickly but I could see his stance visibly changing (to a more open stance – it wasn’t a reaction of someone caught eavesdropping). After that incident, in the next lecture as we were going in my friend and I were the last to enter. He saw me standing outside and I could tell he was trying to act cool with his friend. Just as he was going inside he turned around in the doorway and smiled at me (saw this from the corner of my eye) hoping to catch my attention. Again I didn’t look at him, mostly because I missed my timing since I was also going inside. After the second to last lecture of the semester, I approached him outside the lecture theatre. When I said “Hey” I could tell he was very happy to have been approached by me as his face lit up from serious to a big smile in one second – it was quite amusing. I asked him if he had a lecture now and he said no, so I asked him if I could talk to him about something and he said “What would you like to talk about?”. Word for word, I said, “I thought I knew how to start…you see, I’ve been picking up on this vibe around you that you might be interested in me, but then again my mind could be making that up?” and to that he said “Sorry, I have a gf. Sorry”. That was enough for me so I said “Just wanted to clear that up” with a smile and walked away.

    So now I want to know if any of his signals were genuine at all, and why he was doing all those things. Was he seeking attention from me? But doesn’t he have a girlfriend to do that for him? I was so confused after the last conversation, also kinda felt betrayed in a way that he was doing those without any intention of dating me. And why me? It wasn’t like I was very inviting last year. I would have expected him to have forgotten about me (like I did him) and not give me a second glance. Plus if he wanted to play games with me why didn’t he actively approach me and chat me up? Was there any interest at all??

    • Confused Soul permalink

      (One Truth I really hope to hear some of your wise advice! Also what should I do next time I see him again?)

      • Be breezy and nonchalant. Friendly. If that’s not how you feel, then practice in front of the mirror. Approach yourself in the mirror giving the person in the mirror eye contact and be friendly. Practice with friends.

        Remember, he’s just one of many classmates, not more special than the others. He’s also taken and unavailable so doesn’t deserve any special treatment. It will help if you don’t initiate conversations with him, unless he no longer triggers you. For now, just respond to his initiation with friendliness.

        Any hope you have should be for your bright future when you meet new men, not hope that he may become interested in you. Hope creates fantasy, so make sure you are hoping for the right thing.

    • Confused Soul,

      Welcome to the blog!

      At least you know now he has a girlfriend. So this is your chance to learn from this so you never have to wonder and be confused again.

      You asked if his signals were genuine. If you read my article on False Indications of a Man’s Interest, you’ll know that interest is proven only via asking you out on a date.

      Even if he started having conversations with you, he would not have shown interest.

      So no, he was never interested in you. Perhaps he didn’t have a girlfriend in the beginning, and felt free to smile at you and stare at you. But as long as he didn’t ask you out on a date, wondering about him would only waste your time.

      He didn’t play any games with you. He was just smiling or looking at a girl he either found attractive or he was curious about. You were assuming he was interested, probably hoping he was.

      In the future you should be completely honest about your feelings for a guy. If you are attracted to a guy, tell yourself you are. And when you see him, don’t be afraid to smile back. When you are suppressing your feelings and denying them to yourself, that is when you end up in turmoil and feeling super charged with emotion.

      Feelings don’t go away just because you think they don’t exist. So you did like him, were attracted to him, and hoped he was interested in you. Admitting your feelings is healthy, and then accepting the fact that proof of his interest lies in him stepping up and asking you out. Until he does that, treat him like any other classmate.

      Pushing away your true feelings toward a guy and trying hard to pretend you don’t care is not the solution. Next time something like this happens again, acknowledge how you feel (to yourself), let go of any hope as long as he hasn’t asked you out, accept that he may never be interested, and then go about your business.

      • Confused Soul permalink

        Hi One Truth, thank you for your time – I know it was a long post.

        I wasn’t suppressing my feelings – I noticed that he was good looking the way I would notice that the models in advertisements are good looking, male or female. I only started having genuine hopes after noticing a number of his attempts to get my attention. I just can’t wrap my head around why he tried so hard to get my attention (which is putting me in confusion no matter how many times I tell myself to stop) – his behaviours around me were almost as if he was actually a shy guy hoping he could approach me, not someone who wanted to play around with girls. If he was in a committed relationship (like he said he was) then he really shouldn’t have done those things, right? He has a girlfriend who can give him the attention he wants…

        Now all I have left is almost-contempt. I think it was pathetic that he was doing these things while in a relationship only to pull out and say that he has a girlfriend as if he’s a faithful boyfriend. Even if he found me attractive he shouldn’t have been actively acting on the attraction – I mean staring is acceptable, only barely since we’re all humans, but to actually try and get my attention isn’t (in my opinion, anyway, but then I’m pretty old-fashioned). That makes him unfaithful in my eyes, which is not what I want in my boyfriend.

        I read that blog as well actually, and it did help me distinguish between time-wasters and genuinely interested guys. I also wonder – do guys always approach first if they’re interested enough? What if he’s shy/doesn’t have enough courage? I know this blog says to never help a guy date us but I know a few couples where the girl helped the guy out because he liked her so much that he didn’t know how to take steps to get her on a date. They’re very happy right now. I’m asking because I do get guys who stare/are obviously attracted but never approach and it makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me. To be fair I’m usually busy with my university studies and haven’t been very receptive, but would guys who are really interested in me still try to approach me?

        Thank you for your wise words and warm welcome 🙂

        • Confused Soul,

          You must be feeling pretty hurt by this. I understand your feelings of contempt. He would stare at you, and not do anything about it and being that you’re attracted to him, it made it confusing.

          When you’re fresh in the dating world, you’re going to stumble sometimes. Misinterpret sometimes. That’s okay. You’re not the only girl who is going through this! It doesn’t feel good, but you have to figure out how to learn from it or you will keep being mystified and the next time be confused and feel contempt again.

          The only way for you to benefit the most from this is to see it as a tough but important lesson. Practice the principles I outlined and with practice, you will get better at it.

          There are plenty of guys who will express interest and initiate. But they have to not just feel attraction, but also feel motivated and ready. If they aren’t ready or if they don’t feel welcomed enough, they might back off. Nobody really knows why some guys initiate and others don’t. You can’t control what men do, but you can control what you can do to increase your odds.

          Remember, if you’re friendly and breezy, you are approachable and a guy who is interested wouldn’t be daunted.

          • Confused Soul permalink

            Hi One Truth,

            Yes, I was feeling hurt – mainly because I felt used, to feed his ego (if that’s what this was all about). Some of my friends told me to take it as a compliment that he found me worthy enough to use to stoke his ego but I do not see it that way – it’s like cat-calling, it just makes you feel too vulnerable and dirty. Besides, I WAS feeling pretty hopeful.

            Now that you mention that he would have initiated a conversation, I suppose you’re right, but I thought it was because I haven’t been very receptive – when he first smiled at me I didn’t smile back, and when I was asking him about the course I was going to do in the next semester I only gave him short answers. But if he was interested I guess he would have asked his own questions. I can’t remember much about the conversation any more because it was last year and I don’t think my brain deemed the memory worthy enough to keep, LOL.

            You’re completely right that I just need to chalk it up to experience and learn from it so that I don’t get hurt like this again. Thank you for guiding me through this experience, I really feel much better about the situation and now that the semester is over I won’t have to see him again. I feel much lighter now that I’m free from this whole confusion.

            Thanks again, One Truth, you’ve been very helpful and patient 🙂

            • Confused Soul,

              You’re very welcome and I am so glad you feel lighter and better. Please know that you are lovable and worthy in every way regardless if any guy is approaching you. No one can take away your worth! Be good and kind to yourself. When you love yourself enough, you will be okay no matter what.

            • Meera permalink

              Dear Confused Soul

              Please know that you are not alone. I’ve had this happen to me several times. Guys with gfs have hit on me, asked me to marry them on Facebook (!) where their gfs could actually SEE it, lead me on and what not. I never encouraged them and was clear that I wasn’t interested romantically. I was friendly and fun with them. But they tried anyway.

              I often wondered why they did this. Who knows? Guys can feel an attraction even when they’re taken and perhaps have trouble hiding it or don’t want to because they want an ego boost or a distraction. Figuring out the answer doesn’t change a thing, let me tell you. Remember, though, this is nothing about you and all about them. So don’t feel cheap or anything like that. If you’re reasonably attractive–ALL kinds of men will be attracted to you and unfortunately, it includes these kinds of men too.

              I had no hopes with these guys because I wasn’t interested but it still didn’t feel good. Because it was a waste of time; a false alarm. It also left me feeling hopeless about guys’ morals. How could I ever trust a bf if he’s hitting on other girls like these guys were hitting on me? Third, it would make things awkward as in, these guys could have become good friends at least but their confusing romantic signals prevented that.

              A few times I did have hopes and I felt let down that the guy showed interest and turned out to be married. But hey, that happens. That’s why The One’s advice works–just be breezy and friendly and don’t get your hopes up. If a guy is interested and ready–he WILL ask. Usually, there’s a good reason why he doesn’t so trust that.

              Sometimes a guy may ask you out, even if he isn’t single. He’s obviously doing the wrong thing so don’t even read too much into guys asking you out. That’s how married men have affairs. Their mistresses sometimes don’t even know they’re married until it’s too late. That’s why it’s important to keep your eyes open while dating and not lose your heart to a man before you get to know him well. Really well.

              Dating is full of rejections, missed opportunities and confused signals. It is best to move on as quickly as possible and focus on productive and positive things.

            • Confused Soul permalink

              Thanks Meera, I really appreciate your advice. I completely relate to what you said about not being able to trust your bf if he goes around leading girls on, and for me it even extends to other guys sometimes as well and it’s a bad attitude. It sometimes makes me feel like there’s no such thing as true love. It’s really pessimistic, I know, but that’s just the way I feel sometimes these days. It just doesn’t feel so authentic or sacred any more…

              But yeah, thank you 🙂 I will indeed heed to your advice!

  2. Hanna permalink

    Hi One Truth!

    In online dating: If he asked me out, and we agreed about the first date on next week but didnt specify the exact day, can I write him to ask which day we should meet then? Because it was 5 days ago that we agreed and the week is almost over and he hasn’t written me yet to ask which day to meet up.
    Should I give up on this guy?

    • Hanna,

      You can ask him, “Hey, just wondering when you wanted to meet,” but, and this is a huge but: he MUST nail down a time, date, and location. If he doesn’t, don’t volunteer or keep prodding. But before you say anything to him, please read the rest:

      If he says he’ll let you know, fill up your weekends. In fact, you should already be doing that and not keep them open without a date nailed down. This way when you DON’T hear from him, you haven’t put your life on hold for him. And if you DO hear from him with the details, he will know your weekend is packed and he must schedule you in advance.

      No matter how much a guy complains about how hard a girl to get is, he secretly loves that she is when he does get her. That’s when he would brag to his friends. Prior to that he might complain but it’s really all part of the fun. What you must know is that he doesn’t respect a girl sitting at home in her pajamas with her phone clutched in her hand, with no life to speak of. He will never tell you that, of course.

      Remember, without a sense of urgency coming from him, it means he isn’t interested and just wants to keep his options open to do something else, with someone else. Or he’s not looking for a girlfriend.

      A guy who is seeking an exclusive relationship with a girl will not waste his or your time. A guy who isn’t, will.

      Next time a guy asks you out, instead of just saying yes, say, “Sure. Where and when?” If nothing happens, you’re better off moving on to the next guy who won’t take you for granted and would want to nab you before the next guy. After all, wouldn’t that feel better?

      A guy who makes you feel important and relevant is a guy you want to go out with and end up with. Lots of men do that. Lots of men also let women wait and wonder and worry. You have a choice and you are not stuck with men of the latter.

      You can practice being a Prize Catch by following the EGuides that give you all the principles and possible scenarios/situations.

  3. Cloudy permalink

    The One,

    I met a guy a while back and was very careful not to help him date me. Only responded to his cues. However, I cancelled our 2nd date due to nervousness! He responded that he will wait until a time that’s more suitable for me but I could hear he was upset. Did not contact me again that week…so I invited him to join me at an informal group event I was going to (strike one!). Had a very nice night but he was upset when I did not want to go back to his place. The next weekend I was going out with a friend to a very small local place in this huge city with millions of people. And there he was. Approached me. Swept me off my feet (strike two!). I ended up at his house but refused to get intimate. And he was upset. And hasn’t contacted me since. I am wondering how I did not see that he was not really interested…it does not feel nice. Especially because I know he is a go-getter and goes foe what he wants (but also fiercely independent). I get that he could perhaps think a relationship would clip those wings….but still not nice

  4. ennis permalink

    Too bad that it should be ” a job” for the guy to “convince” the woman that he is worth it. Maybe that is why fewer and fewer guys make the fist move!

    • carpe diem permalink

      Ennis, Its not a “JOB” for a “MAN” to make the first move. Because real men are strong and confident, know what they want and go for it. Now BOYS consider it a “job” because they’re really kind of lazy. They just need attention and don’t want to put too much effort forth equalling their interest which is obviously low. Why on earth would a good woman want that? You sound like a boy.

  5. Anne permalink

    Excellent, One Truth!

    But I’m a bit clueless on how to behave around a guy if I’m attracted to him, but he clearly isn’t, and he doesn’t do anything.

    This guy, I met at a camp and we were at the same place together for a week. He had a girlfriend, so he clearly didn’t show any interest in me. But I was so scared about my attraction, that I tried to avoid him and didnt really talk to him even when he came to talk to me as a friend. I was a real asshole to him all week since I was talking to everyone else, but completely tried to avoid him (he had a girlfriend, I emphasise). He kinda tried to be friends with me, but I kept a very clear distance because I got reminded of your words ‘never be friends with a guy you’re attracted to, because that hurts’ and it’s true. So, is it how you have to behave if you’re attracted, but he’s not making any moves? I feel so bad because I was being an asshole to him all week – I think it also hurt him a bit that I I kinda pretended he didn’t exist, and we didnt become friends at the end.

    Thanks!

    • Anne,

      First of all, he’s taken so you shouldn’t be noticing whether he expresses interest in you or not. That information is useless and even harmful to you.

      A Prize Catch is always relaxed and at ease with herself, with any kind of men around. She only responds to dates offered by single guys and while she doesn’t invest in the rest, she isn’t hostile or rude.

      Of course you shouldn’t be friends with an unavailable guy you’re attracted to (to find out why, read “What about Just Being Friends” and “Friendship, the Ultimate Excuse”), so the only thing you should do is be nice and polite without getting close or flirtatious. Make zero initiations toward him and focus on other things you can do and other people you can talk to. This is something you’re going to have to practice doing because one day, there will be a single guy you are attracted to so you don’t want to do the same thing and sabotage yourself.

      I wonder: Are you afraid of your intense feelings of attraction? Are you afraid of all the scary things, the vulnerability, and the exposure of yourself and your heart, that you will have to experience that could hurt you? If so, then you need to work on self-acceptance and embracing all your feelings. Is it possible somewhere along the way you were taught that sexual, intimate, or romantic feelings are shameful or dangerous?

      Such associations are often learned.

      If you wish to resolve this fear, feel free to sign up for confidential Email Exchange and I can assist.

      • Anne permalink

        Hmmm…

        How can I not become friends with him but still be nice to him just like the way I’m nice with my friends? I think it’s impossible to keep the distance as well as remain friendly. In my definition friends are friends because they are getting close to each other, but there is no sexual attraction. However, I think it is nearly impossible to avoid becoming friends with someone I’m constantly nice to, if I’m meeting every day with the person. So that’s why I chose rather not to talk to the person, because there was attraction, and I couldnt see myself not getting close to a person I’m all the time friendly and nice with him.

        I’ll definitely sign up for the email exchange when I have some more serious suitor around, 🙂

        • Anne,

          You’re not supposed to be nice to him the way you are to your friends. He’s never supposed to be your friend.

          It’s just a matter of being polite but not getting close, like with any stranger you bump into or when you’re talking to a store clerk. Transfer how you treat such people to dealing with a man you’re attracted to who isn’t available and voila! You succeed!

          Hint: Don’t ever approach him. Just acknowledge him if he approaches you, and only respond with short sentences. Cut off long conversations. You’re busy. You’re a Prize Catch. You don’t have time for time-wasters. You don’t want to invest emotionally and you have to protect yourself.

          It’s easy to fall off a cliff. It’s much harder to climb back out. You don’t need to go near that cliff (that attractive, unavailable man).

          • Anne permalink

            I think I exactly did that. I kept my distance, but it was very unusual in a sense that everyone became so close to each other, and he became good friends with many girls (and also guys) – girls were already kissing him, which I also found a bit mehhh.. However, I became very good friends with a guy I was not attracted to, but with this guy I always cut it short and never approached him. 🙂 Although, I really felt that he was kind of frustrated about my distance. Really frustrated. But it is very different situation to when you just meet with people sporadically, because we were basically locked up together in the same house for two weeks, so I had to do this.

            Anyways, I am glad you confirmed my beliefs, and I really think it was the best I could do. 🙂

            You’re the best One Truth! Thanks very much again. 😉

  6. NinaNina permalink

    Dear One Truth,

    That’s another great post. Thank you for always keeping us grounded in reality.

    I would like to ask your opinion on the views made by certain people about women who does not cover themselves up e.g. wearing the ‘niiqab’. The views that, women who ‘reveal’ themselves equal to those gifts or prizes that are not well wrapped or rather without any wrappings. Reveal here means as most of us just wear ‘normal’ daily Ts, jeans, pants, skirts, no any veils to cover the face or the head/hair. Niiqab would just leave you with your two eyeballs for people to see yourself. The rest are covered. That’s all they can see, your two eyeballs, or maybe your palms.

    I feel sad the way they made such views especially that I’m also a woman myself. They even said that, these women with niiqab are so lucky that they do not have to leave the office or the house because the outside jobs (jobs outside the office, house) are 100% carried out by men. So, inside the office, house, they would reveal themselves – take out their black niiqab and the long robe/jubah since they are no men (who are not part of their families) inside there. I’m sad because what are you if you can’t do the job outside the office or the house? Is that all you are worth for? And worst, I think if the men can’t control themselves, just because the see women who ‘revealed’ themselves (wearing decent clothes), I think the one who has problems is not the women, but it’s the men themselves.

    There are so many people in my country right now who are so into this ‘craze’ with the believe that wearing the niiqab will save the woman. I’m in South East Asian country for your information, not the Middle Eastern. I see them as women who utterly dependent on men, because that’s what they do – they cover themselves up and stay in the office/house, in the room. If you want to step out, you gotta make sure, there’s a man who will accompany you. Even in broad daylight. In the days where we admit that we are civilized, if you can’t walk all by yourself during the day, what are we then? Are we beasts who just wait for the prey?

    Instead of learning how to handle men or handle themselves when face with men, these women surrender themselves in such situation, with one reason – we will go to heaven, because we obey the rules made by God. Any kind of dresses that are deemed ‘revealing’ is deemed evil/worldly. I find it ridiculous. We went to school, we do interact with people with certain ethics, values. Just because some people harm other people, do we need to resort to such things? I don’t believe the religion teach such prejudice. Also, if they want to wear the niiqab or whatever kind of robe they want to wear, they don’t have to say evil things to women without niiqab. Nobody’s perfect but we need to learn every day and respect each other. Fanaticism is now widespread. I don’t know what’s gonna happen next in my country. Recently they even make fun of a person who just won a gold medal in gymnastics (over the social media) – SEA Games, just because – what else? she’s wearing the ‘revealing’ gymnastic attire. She won gold medal and that’s all you guys can see? really? This is so tiring and sickening…

    • NinaNina,

      It’s unfortunate that there exists such restrictive rules in your country! Interesting how there are primitive tribes today with both sexes wearing next to nothing, living peacefully in the jungles. The females are not shamed for being sexual beings nor are the men sexually oppressed. There are clear codes of conduct where men aren’t taking advantage of women without having to resort to covering female bodies or hiding women indoors!

  7. Belinda permalink

    What if you prefer to meet him places? Especially in the beginning? I don’t event like guys to come near my house until I’m SUPER into him. And is suggesting meeting places really that bad? If it’s about getting to know the other person, I rather go a place I like than some weird place I don’t even know about. I definitely think he should come to wherever is convenient FOR THE WOMAN…but do all those other details really matter? If he is still asking to see you and showing up wherever you want, isn’t that all that matters? I think men actually like to know where a woman wants to go and do things on her terms. If he can’t manage that then he is not very keen. But yes, you absolutely should never ask a guy out.

    • Belinda,

      When you feel safe and ready with him, he can pick you up at your house. It’s your call entirely! As far as where to go for the date, if a guy is considerate, he will want to please you and want you to agree to the place he suggests, or be open to hearing where you’d like to go.

      However, I urge you to get the EGuides to find out the manner in which you go about this because it is important you know how to address all of this without sounding controlling and bossy, thus emasculating him from the start. There are a lot of practical pointers in there you will need to navigate this. You can start with “Be a Prize Catch Date” and “After the Date, Then What?” They will be invaluable to your dating success!

    • carpe diem permalink

      Hey Belinda, I again see what you are saying here. Am sure the percentage is low that a man would take you to some weird place nor would a decent man want to. When you say “I think men actually like to know where a woman wants to go and do things “ON HER TERMS” The man is going to lose his balls in the process and eventually leave the planning to the woman, hence emasculating him and rob him of his innate joy of hunting and capturing his prize.

      • Belinda permalink

        I agree that most men have become extremely lazy about dating. And yes, if a man is hell bent on getting a certain woman, he will pull out all the stops planning dates. But on average, I find that guys in the beginning are super clueless about where to go on dates. I think a lot of them want to please you, so they ask for our suggestions. Or sometimes they plan things that are way too elaborate, too soon. I ask myself, “Should I make this guy jump through all these hoops and plan so much before I even know if I like him?” Idk. And when I say on ” her terms”, I don’t mean bossing him around and planning stuff. I am mostly just wanting to suggest things that I want to do ..and not lead them down a garden path thinking that they are planning something great but that I actually don’t like. Ya know? Not like weird stuff, just not what I want to do. I’m just not convinced if making suggestions makes us less of a “prize” and decreases his desire? I think the key is if he keeps going out of his way to see you and drive to your town, and make invitations, etc is they key. I just get sick of all the Rules’ dynamics. For example, not saying when you are available and making him “hunt” for the time. It just gets tiring and I think men know that we are putting on an act. I understand men’s need to capture and compete….but I think at some point it gets ridiculous. Most guys will give up no matter how you act if you don’t have sex with them by their preconceived timetable anyway. I really think Steve Harvey’s advice is the best. He says find out what kind of a relationship the guy actually wants before you even kiss him…much less have sex with him. All the prize catch behavior in the world (although Totally should be practiced) isn’t going to make a guy who has no intention of marrying you marry you. If a guys isn’t ready for serious stuff…it doesnt matter how we act…we will get skewed anyway. Sad but true. I 100% agree with the sentiment of this blog. But I think we need to do even more than what is suggested here if you want a man that is serious. You need to point blank ask. Otherwise guys will bullshit like crazy. It’s true.

        • carpe diem permalink

          We shouldn’t “act” like prize behavior unless we really feel it, or we will skew ourselves thinking our “prize” behavior will win them over. If we already feel confident, strong, deserved and beautiful we will be aware, I think, of the mans true feelings and intentions. Don’t you? Some guys behaviors baffle us like “why do and say this and that if you really don;t mean this or that. And they say we’re complicated? lol. True love is easy…

          Also, i think the rules written are general. Everything is not black and white. There is always gray. I feel we should let men be men and women be women. But whatever works. The one just wants us to get there safely 🙂

  8. LuLu permalink

    Another excellent post

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