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Do All Men Pursue?

No.

They should because that’s their instinct. But not all do.

Some of them don’t have to in order to get love, affection, sex, a roof over their heads, children, money, and a commitment from a woman.

For sure if they couldn’t get women so easily, they’d be forced to do the chasing. Because that is what men do naturally.

But when women end up chasing men, offering them all the perks without requiring much, these men ignore their male drive and resign to being kept.

I’m pretty sure if you’re reading this that this is not the kind of relationship you want, where you have to do hard work for a man who can barely reciprocate and love you back.

If so, you will need a SUITOR. A man who pursues you.

If you want a loving, healthy, committed, long-term relationship, there is NO OTHER KIND OF MAN who will be able to offer you this.

Such quality relationships ONLY BEGIN with a SUITOR.

He can have whatever appearance, education level, job, interests, personality, strengths and flaws.

But he cannot be mistaken for a man with issues and baggage that get in the way of pursuing you.

If you settle for an on-and-off guy, a cheater, booty calls, friends with benefits and hook-ups, you have NO BUSINESS being disappointed in the men you’re involved with.

You don’t order fries and expect a burger.

Conclusion

Men do pursue, but not if you chase them.

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89 Comments
  1. Hi
    I’d just like to state the obvious irony. Isn’t the way a guy finds out you’re a prize catch is only by treating you like you’re not?

    Your response is everything that will set the record straight about the type of woman you are.

    Your opportunity to be a prize catch exists only when he assumes you’re not? Right?

    • Qudsiamll,

      Yes, and when he treats you like you are a Prize Catch, you would recognize it and embrace it. There are women who don’t know how to be treated, and settle for crumbs and bad treatment. They’re certainly not happy, but they don’t know anything better is possible or even exists.

  2. Rose permalink

    Again, I know that allowing men to chase us works and that’s the bitter truth. I’m just wondering why it doesn’t come “naturally” to most women to do so and why women have to be “trained” to play “the game” . I’m not so sure NATURE or INSTINCT is behind this at all…

  3. Rose permalink

    The One, If it isn’t *natural* for a woman to pursue a man, why do we feel like doing it? As you said many women have told you they can’t help calling or pursing men. I have that urge too and have to stop myself. If it’s so natural to allow a man to chase us, why doesn’t it FEEL natural, and why do we have to work so hard to basically stop ourselves from pursuing or initiating?

    • Rose,

      I think lots of behavior may feel natural to women, depending on the individual woman. Lots of women don’t feel natural pursuing men, so I don’t think it’s necessarily natural to the female sex.

      When you look around the web and see what men are saying, most seem to say that women in general don’t pursue (or maybe the ones they want aren’t pursuing them). Nevertheless, what feels natural doesn’t always work.

      Some women feel very natural about having sex right away. There is no guy — friend or suitor (or the occasional stranger) — they have not had sex with. Sex is her way of getting comfortable. But I don’t think that works, at least it doesn’t lead to a stable healthy relationship. Now she may luck out and happen upon a guy who is awestruck by her and will do anything to be with her long-term. Never say never! However, I don’t advise it because obviously so many girls and women have tried to no avail, and therefore come to sites like this looking for a different approach.

      Same with chasing men. It may feel natural, but the question is does it work for you? Does it bring you that relationship you have in mind? If there is a medicine that is synthetic that will save your life while the natural one won’t, which one will you take?

      It’s all about WHAT WORKS.

      When it comes down to behavior, natural or not, it is also habitual. Done often enough it becomes second nature. Subconsciously driven. So it would FEEL natural too. That is why it would be hard to stop.

      But you can undo any habit. It will take time and effort of course, but it can be done. I hope this answers your question!

  4. Layla permalink

    As far as dating older man who are well off and have other women chase him, should I treat this situation anything different? My friends think I should chase this guy or he will forget about me since he has options. I do like him, we have a lot of chemistry, and I would love to get to know him but not comfortable doing the chasing. Thoughts?

    • Layla,

      Since other women are chasing him, he has no incentive to put in any effort for dates. So if you chase him, you’d be one of the many and not stand out whatsoever! I have more to tell you.

      Please Get In-Depth Advice or Order EGuides Today.

      Hope to help you soon!

      • Avatarded permalink

        “They should because that’s their instinct but not all men do.”
        That sentence says to me that it is in fact not instinct but rather social stigma that pushes a man to pursue a mate. Instinct is an internal driving force that must be combated and one does not combat the instinct to find happiness.

        “where you have to do hard work for a man who can barely reciprocate and love you back.”
        Three things:
        The pursuit, and facing of rejection is in its own right a great deal of work with a high emotional and monetary costs. Devaluing the effort of any suitor will alienate potential suitors.

        Secondly: Reciprocation is a form of action, and all action is predicated on skill. Skill is taught, while aptitude is the proficiency at which a skill can be learned and exercised. To say a man is barely capable of an act, such as emotional reciprocation, is to say that men do not have the aptitude to learn this skill in-spite of the multitude of living examples to the contrary.

        Three: In this growing age of equality men are coming to realize their time, effort, and emotional security is equally valid in comparison to a woman’s, and that there is no reason that a female suitor can not attract an appropriate male (or female/other). Which again comes down to skill, meaning, that it is a skill that must be learned — just as a male must learn it.

        Therefore I can agree that “Such quality relationships ONLY BEGIN with a SUITOR.” though disagree at the assertion that the suitor must be an external force (someone pursuing you). Braving rejection to seek what one desires is indicative of a “assertive” personality, which in turn will attract comparable persons. Advice to the contrary is complementary to a “permissive” personality and will too attract comparable personality types.

        While yes, there remains the pitfall that some men will simply want to use the assertive woman for sex, it is no less a risk for the woman than for the man who must be wary of the women just trying to use him for his money.

        Ultimately, being the suitor, regardless of gender, gives you the deciding power into whom you will end up with. While relegating yourself to being pursued will limit your options.

        • “Devaluing the effort of any suitor will alienate potential suitors.”

          I don’t believe The One is advocating devaluing of anyone’s efforts. A Prize Catch is a lady and doesn’t insult/use/hurt her suitors. She shows appreciation for all their efforts regardless of the potential of a relationship. These are basic manners. Indeed other suitors and even non-suitors will be put off by a woman who devalues efforts because it shows a lack of graciousness in her character.
          That said, turning down a potential suitor nicely does not (and should not) alienate other suitors. When there are many suitors, a Prize Catch cannot marry all of them, obviously. So she must choose. Turning down a suitor means she is exercising her choice and options and this communicates high value as well as high standards. I don’t see how this will alienate anybody. In fact, men are competitive by nature and a woman who is choosy (but nice about it) is even more sought after. If a suitor is alienated by the rejection of another suitor, he is better off staying away from a Prize Catch because he probably cannot handle a woman like that. It is his problem, not hers.

          “To say a man is barely capable of an act, such as emotional reciprocation, is to say that men do not have the aptitude to learn this skill in-spite of the multitude of living examples to the contrary.”

          Nowhere does The One say that men are incapable of emotional reciprocation. But some men aren’t at certain times in their life or with certain women and the sooner this is understood the less heart break there will be. And of course this can be learned but it needs motivation. Some men are not motivated to do so for various reasons-which frankly, isn’t the Prize Catch’s problem. All she cares about is if the man is investing in HER in the PRESENT.

          Point Three: Sure this is the age of equality but in reality women are still paid less for comparable jobs, are discriminated against etc. so when we are a TRULY equal society, THEN we can talk about how women can be suitors too.

          That said, women pursuing men simply doesn’t work most of the time. Ask the women who pursue. Sure, some are successful but most of the successful relationships have the man as the pursuer. The One is practical about what really works in the world as it is NOW.

          Another thing, when men are pursuing they are investing their time and energy but women end up investing a lot more and face more serious consequences–biological (accidental pregnancies), social (being called desperate, shaming, more rejection), emotional etc. So it makes sense for the man to be the initiator. Now, of course The One is not saying that a woman must never invest and the man should do all the work because that would be unfair. But The One is 100% right about the man being the initiator/pursuer. There is no need for the suitor to spend tons of money/time/resources. No suitor is required to pursue a Prize Catch who takes advantage of him or doesn’t reciprocate. It is about being clear and initiating–that is all and that is the suitors job.

          “While yes, there remains the pitfall that some men will simply want to use the assertive woman for sex, it is no less a risk for the woman than for the man who must be wary of the women just trying to use him for his money.”

          Being used for sex is far far riskier than being used for money. Besides suitors do not have to spend a lot of money if they can be creative. A date can be a walk in the park or a picnic with homemade sandwiches as long as the suitor behaves like a suitor in planning and initiating the date and being a gentleman. Sex on the other hand has far more serious and devastating consequences emotionally and biologically for the woman. I hope you know and understand the contraceptive methods are not 100% guarantees and women, because of their peculiar biology, get bonded through sex which men don’t thereby making them extremely emotionally vulnerable as well. There is no price on these things. Losing a few $$ in a date that doesn’t lead anywhere is NOTHING compared to unwanted single motherhood or a broken heart. So NO, men and women do not have the same risk. No matter how egalitarian our society becomes this will never change.

          “Ultimately, being the suitor, regardless of gender, gives you the deciding power into whom you will end up with. While relegating yourself to being pursued will limit your options.”

          I beg to disagree. It takes two to tango, and being a suitor does not guarantee anything more than being the Prize Catch. The one who is pursued can always say no. The Prize Catch is not obligated to take whatever offer she gets. The Prize Catch can increase her chances of success in many other ways but being a suitor is NOT one of them. That just kills chances. Time and again, we have seen that a woman in the role of a suitor simply doesn’t work. Not going out, not looking your best, not being gracious, not reciprocating, not being interesting etc. is what limits options for women. Not asking a woman out is what limits options for men, among other things.

          • Kishmisherie,

            “Losing a few $$ in a date that doesn’t lead anywhere is NOTHING compared to unwanted single motherhood or a broken heart.”

            Couldn’t have said it better myself. So many good points. You know your stuff!

            • Avatarded permalink

              Contraception only cost a few dollars.

        • Avatarded,

          The male instinct to pursue is not only relegated to women, but to anything in life. It is of biological origin and yes, society can affect male behavior, but it can’t remove the instinct. If one chooses to believe in evolution (in terms of environmental conditioning as a factor in biological change), pursuing as an instinct may cease to become an instinct but not for a long, long time — say, a million years.

          I never stated that men are incapable of reciprocating. If that was implied, it was most likely referring to a specific context.

          I agree there are plenty of female suitors who can attract a male mate. The problem is not about ability, because hordes of girls and women have written on this blog and to me privately about how they CANNOT HELP but pursue boys and men. If a female knows how to go out and buy shoes, she knows how to pursue. It’s not that hard. The hard part is dealing with the dismal results: she doesn’t get the man she wants, or if she does, he doesn’t appreciate her.

          The definition of success for a female suitor should not only be about landing her man, because plenty of women have nabbed passive men (a quality required for a man to allow a woman to make a relationship happen). The question is, is she happy with the result? Or is she wishing her husband was more involved and appreciative of her? I can assure you there is no woman who doesn’t want to feel cherished (unless as I stated elsewhere, that she dislikes herself enough). And when despite all her efforts of landing her man, his inability to cherish her is what makes her unhappy.

          It boils down to this: Men simply do not value a woman who is easy to get, who throws herself at him. Neither do men feel good about themselves when they accept such solicitations, because they are not doing it out of genuine interest in the woman — only settling for whichever woman who targets him. Being in a passive position for a man is never inspiring or motivating for him. Lacking the confidence to take charge of their own love lives, meanwhile always wondering and yearning and fantasizing for the ideal woman they never had the guts to pursue, makes such men either dissatisfied or apathetic.

          Finally, a man isn’t going to fall in love with a woman just because she takes action and makes effort. He needs to feel chemistry. The worst thing for a man is to be in a relationship with a woman who doesn’t turn him on. However, a woman who is pursued by a man may not initially feel chemistry, but given time she is more likely than her passive counterpart to develop feelings for her suitor.

          Men simply do not go from zero chemistry to chemistry due to a female’s effort. Unlike women, who can. Women for the most part do not need to feel immediate chemistry to become interested in a man or to fall in love with him eventually.

          That is why it works better for all if men are the suitors.

          • Ewa permalink

            Does it mean a man will abandon a woman (or at least dream about it) when she’ll get older? You say the only thing matters for a man is “chemistry” (it basically means her look). At the same time you encourage waiting. We won’t be any younger.

            • NinaNina permalink

              Three of male colleagues told me about their wives who made the first move.

              Although they are happily married, the way the men tell the stories do not sound so interesting to hear (if you are a woman).

              All three of them (in a different occasion), told me somewhere along these lines:

              “She’s the one who chased me.”

              and then continued bla bla bla (somthing like “we still interested to see/look at other woman who is attractive because there’s no harm at looking” – okay. whatever.).

              The emotional interest of the man is still doubtful when woman made the first move I would say. Although physically you can have him as your husband.

              Even those men who are shy, if we ‘train’ them this way, it’s gonna be like that for the rest of your life. or probably they will only initiate a little like using the texts alone. It’s kinda sad for the woman.

              Just my opinion.

          • What about cases where the man simply needs more encouragement and some initial investment by the woman–like talking to him, flirting with him, tell him she likes him, giving him her phone number etc.? I have seen this many times where women either took the initial initiative or met the men halfway and still landed in very good relationships where the man began to take more initiative as he grew more confident of the woman’s interest. In other cases I saw that the men responded well to a woman’s initiative and did end up cherishing her. I am not talking about exceptions but rather a trend these days where thanks to feminism, women have to go out on a limb just to get a guy to pursue.
            You have previously mentioned that a passive man won’t suddenly turn around and become a suitor and that a woman is unlikely to be cherished if she makes the first move. However, given the situation of modern day so-called dating this is not entirely true in my observation.
            I agree with your philosophy and personally prefer the man to make the first move and pursue but I have seen consistently seen that my friends who make the initial effort to get the guy are more successful than I am at finding men–who *eventually* become suitors. Moreover, they are satisfied and cherished in their relationships. These men aren’t lazy and passive in their relationships and in fact do a lot for the women. They just needed the initial push from the women.
            This leads me to believe that my script might need some changes in that a man will not automatically become a suitor rather, I will have to make him one with my efforts. There has to be an initial effort by the woman to get a guy to pursue otherwise they simply won’t. Plus, many people meet halfway now and have egalitarian relationships which are satisfying to both.

            The more I leave it to the men to make a move, the fewer suitors I have. I have been following your advice to be a PC religiously but there are no suitors. What do you say? Should I keep waiting and hold out for someone who will pursue or try to be more encouraging to men? And how?

            • Anne permalink

              I have to confirm, that some guys are so shy when they like a woman and feel chemistry, that they will be too afraid to ask you out in the first instance.

              A classmate of mine who I thought was just a friend of mine in our senior year (he told to me that he thinks the most attractive girl in our class is someone else, who he never ever even tried to be friends with), turns out he always liked me, and at our prom (just a couple months before graduation)- he asked me out on a date. That was the time when I realised why he was so helpful and friendly with me in the past few years, because he always liked me in the first place. This is a guy I rejected at the end, but when I look back, I know that he was always trying to get close by pretending just being friends, and in reality he was trying to find out if he had a chance with me (afraid of rejection)….

            • moonbeam permalink

              I started reading this website in Aug 2013 and since then I’ve done a lot of reading online about relationships and how they start, and here’s the basic info I’ve gathered:

              90% of the time the woman makes the FIRST MOVE. *But* this is not some huge move where she chases the guy. Not at all. She’s basically giving him the opportunity to pursue her. This is what it is:

              A woman sees a guy she finds attractive. She gives the guy a little bit of eye contact (2-3 seconds) and smiles while doing so. If she’s physically close to him she might initiate some small talk with him (5-10 min) if he doesn’t first speak to her.

              Basically these “moves” by women are supposed to give a guy an “invitation,” a “green-light” to approach the woman. So, if the guy also finds the woman attractive and feels some chemistry with her based on the eye contact, smile and small talk (if they do talk), the guy is then supposed to feel like he can ask for her number or ask her out, and it won’t be like he’s bothering her/coming on to her. I think in the 20th century a good # of guys (not all) aren’t going to go up to a woman to ask for her #/ask her out unless they receive some sort of “green-light” from the woman.

              So, the woman has made the “first move,” (by being friendly, open and warm, and smiling) but the guy is still the one who has to ask for the number, ask for the date. So, he’s still pursuing, but the woman has given him the chance to do so.

              This is the info I’ve discovered. I’m curious, what do people think? Does what I write sound reasonable, or does it sound completely off??

            • Ewa permalink

              There is one thing not clear in this blog. Does chasing turn men off or does it simply make no sense (and potentially harms us)? Because if the only thing matters for guys is your look then it doesn’t make any difference what are you doing and you may as well chase him. After all he’s attracted to you or he isn’t.

            • Kishmisherie,

              Yes, the old-fashioned boy meet girl dating scenario is literally over. I can’t vouch for what your friends did, but if you say their initiation worked for them, then that’s great. Everything must be a personal experience in order for truth to be realized.

              So try this test: Initiate and see if that gets you the desired results (a man who cherishes you). At the same time, take my advice below and see if that gets you anywhere. There’s nothing to lose by doing both simultaneously. If something can get you to the finish line, who cares what it’s called!

              So my advice: Did you ever get the EGuide “How to Show Your Interest in a Man”? I wrote it so women don’t have to wait for men to make the move all the time. Exposure is doubled when you know how to do this.

              Like I told the previous reader, the Prize Catch Single EGuide has clues as to how to diversify your exposure. These two EGuides, when followed, are essential in overcoming the obstacles and challenges you stated.

          • holy! Word!!

      • ennis permalink

        One Truth – You mean that it works to the advantage of all women when men are the suitors, and women do no get rejected.Is that what you meant?

        • Ennis,

          Of course my advice is meant to offer advantages to women, my target audience. However, that doesn’t mean they should use men as a meal ticket or waste men’s time. Someone writing for men would make sure men don’t get taken advantage of. It goes both ways.

          If you have a genuine question, I will answer. Otherwise, spamming comments are deleted.

  5. Spring66 permalink

    Dear The One

    Is it ok if men only contact you via email or text? My experience with dating in the 21st century is that a man has rarely called me They only text. Sometimes they text multiple times daily ( dont like this and usually ignore as i work). One man I dated emailed on a tuesday, like clockwork, for a Saturday evening date.

    Also, after a first date, say a dinner date, who should text to thank the other for a great evening? I hear the woman and others, the man. Is it necessary for either? A bad sign if a the man doesn’t?

    So that is my question – is it a bad sign if a man only emails and texts. Also, are there rules surrounding texting and stating a thank you? Man or woman obligation?

    Thank you.

    • Spring,

      As long as the email and text are used to ask you out or confirm the date, and not chat endlessly and waste your time, they are fine. Not a bad sign. The goal is to spend time together in person, so it doesn’t matter HOW the goal is achieved.

      Great that you only respond to texts if it’s an invite for a date. You are being a Prize!

      In the old days, men sent a telegram to a woman, slid under the door by the messenger, for a dinner date. Phone calls, texts, emails, or a handwritten note tied to a rose (men, giving you ideas here): all are tools of communication.

      Thank the man during the date and when he escorts you home. That’s enough.

      You should be gracious during the date. Give him your best when he sees you. Be quiet as a mouse when he doesn’t. There is NO OTHER OBLIGATION apart from being sweet, friendly and gracious on your dates with him. Then you’re gone and staying very busy.

      A man doesn’t fall in love because he thinks you are polite and grateful. He falls in love because you’re his type and he’s not sure if you are as interested in him as he is in you!

  6. Markella permalink

    The One thank you so much for your reply.This is how i also see things ,that; s why i never tried to contact him again.The only thing that i m concerned about is wether he was waiting for a phone call from me, since i was the one who suggested coffe it in the first place(in the set,before he told me the things he told me).But in general i try to be very careful and i ll see what he will do whe we meet again next week.Than you ,again if you read this post from me and take time to think about it.:-)

    • Markella,

      You’re welcome!

      Remember, a Prize Catch doesn’t invite a guy for coffee. She is too busy BEING INVITED. A guy who is into you would eagerly remind you of your suggestion, not ignore it and let you wonder.

      Let a man step up and lead. When he doesn’t, he isn’t worth thinking about!

  7. Markella permalink

    To be continued…
    …he could not stop talking to me,but apologised anyway and said we have a lot to talk about anyway.After that day i have not heard from him.Now, because i felt attracted i didnt contact him first ,because i was expecting him to pursue, but the week passed and no one contacted the other for our date.After two weeks i gave him a call from my mobile(which i dont know for sure if he has the number on not),but he didnt pick it up.My friends told me to send him a message so that he knows for sure it was me ,but i didnt do it.Later on that week i removed him from my fb friends, so that i dont check his profile(i dont like to have men i feel attracted to as fb friends anyway and i was hesitant about being connected on fb from the start).So he is a good looking man and also kind of famous ,bacause he is also a musician and he plays in a famous band.I guess he might be approached by girls, you know!But i dont care…i am a beautiful young woman with many men wanting to go out with me,i am also educated and talented ,so i am not afraid to stand by a successful and good looking man and to feel like we are equals.So i want to ask you.What do you think of my behavior?And because i m going to see him in 10 days at the second shooting how do you think i should behave towards him and what about if he asks why i unfriended him on facebook?I would like your opinions on the situation, obviously i like him ,but i dont want to pursue him even more a guy like him who has girls pursuing him often.Thank you for reading my story and for offering your thoughts
    (English is not my first language ,so if you find any mistakes, just laugh :-))

    • Markella,

      It is good that you are playing this very carefully. The big red flag is he didn’t ask you out on a date with a time and location. He never followed up with a concrete plan after suggesting coffee.

      He said all those mushy things to make you blush. But words mean nothing. There is no date, so he has no interest in you.

      Let me explain to you why this is so. Please sign up at Get In-Depth Advice Now for confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to assist you.

  8. Markella permalink

    Hello to everyone and thank you The One for the inspiring reading and to everyone else commenting and posting.It s really helping me to tailor those interesting ideas to my unique personality.I m new here.So,recently after a long time i met a man i felt excited about at work.He s the director of a music video i m working at as the make up artist.At the set i told him i wanted to meet him in person to talk about the second shooting in order the get help about the things i needed to buy.(i wasnt flirting i really needed help with the script).He said yes ofcourse(and that we would only speak for 15 mins about the clip the rest about everything else) but told me that we couldnt meet the following weekend because he had to be away from the city for work.During that day we both felt instant attraction.He wouldnt leave my side and was always making jokes and i was always laughing.He used to smile at me and take pictures,i even had to ask him to leave because i felt distracted…At some point i was chatting to a girl and he told her:I have fallen in love with her(me)but she doesnt know it yet…Later before we go he asked for my phone number which he wrote in his tablet(not his phone).When in privete he said to me:What i said before i mean it.I have truly fallen in love with you.I just smiled and said something like…come on….He also wanted to go for coffe with all of us but we had to leave.Later that night he added me on fb(i gave him my name), and started to chat and sending me pictures of me and being humorous.He said at some point:if you want next week we can go for a coffe to talk about the clip and everything else!I said yes.At some point i felt tired and wanted to go to bed and he seemed eager to continue the convesation so he appeared playfully annoyed(dont know how else to express it)and said that i can count that he s not going to write to me…ever again…i shall see..i thought of it as a joke.Eventually he said i was addictive,that s why he could stop talking to me

  9. Dina permalink

    Sorry to interupt. Tina, you are so young!!, 🙂 i never even think about bf when i was your age. I am a planner like you. Some people were born with that, but in term of guys i dont plan or ask them out, i dont think among groups of girlfriends or in general publics it is wrong to be a planner. If that’s who you are. Try to enjoy them. People need people like us. 🙂 but in term of guys i think you need to hold back and dont ask them out like what the author of this blog teaches. I think so many times we make plans with guys and so many times It,s not turn out not to go in the way we want it. And we become insecured. It is not wrong to be a planner. You should enjoy it. But just dont be a planner with a guy you like :). . . Remember you cannot change people. If you dont like the way things in your life, shake things up in your life, you will not get a different outcome , if you keep doing the same thing 🙂 . . . But dont plan to change people. You will get disappoint 🙂 rise and shine ….you have so many good things ahead of you,,you are so young 🙂 seriously,,dont think too much. . .

  10. tina permalink

    But even if I find extra curriculars.. how do I get people to initiate plans? That gets rid of some time, but it doesn’t explain how to attract others

  11. tina permalink

    Thanks!!! It’s true that I have too much time on my hands. The problem is, I make time for everything and everyone so when I don’t have someone who will reciprocate that, I get disappointed with people. Thank you for your advice and I am going to look up some clubs and activities right now actually!

    • Dear Tina,

      Thanks for posting a while back on my dating blog.

      I just want to let you know I am offering private advice with more analysis and feedback via confidential Email Exchange. If you ever need to, sign up at Get In-Depth Advice Now.

      Hope to assist you!

  12. tina permalink

    P.S
    If I know and guys even tell me they’ve had such a great time and I know the date was fun, just the right amount of time, and I looked great etc.. why are they not initiating for more of my time then? I’ve had a good amount of guys who have liked me, or who I’ve dated/ hooked up with, I’m 18 years old, but I had to initiate all of them and almost play all of them by showing I’m interested first. How can I play hard to get when denying even a single hangout would drive a guy away forever?

    For Example: I showed this guy that I liked him and we had two EXTREMELY fun dates and he was texting me every day. Then he finally initiated a date with me, I went and then I feel deeply in love with him and since then he hasn’t texted me back, initiated anything and when I give him space to miss me– I still don’t hear from him.. My questions are more broad and less about this specific guy, but PLEASE help me! How do I get people to initiate wanting to be with me? It makes me feel bad always having to seek out others or be alone.

    • Nina permalink

      Sorry if I interrupt. Just like to share my thoughts. Maybe you want to read all the posts and comments in this blog first. Then, maybe you will get familiar with these lines: ‘girls/women need to get a LIFE’ and ‘getting a LIFE’ means ‘don’t revolve your happiness around a guy’? They are just the side dish. You’re the prize catch, you don’t go chase them like what you’ve just told us. You have a wonderful life without them, and it will be even more wonderful when your aura hits them and they initiate contact with you?

      • Nina permalink

        P/s: a wonderful life without them = you need to create your own life, your own happiness, your own bliss. And then, it is you to decide if a guy can enter your very own world, your time, if they are worthy enough? That’s where you start being a prize catch. And soon, this priceless attitude of a female will become natural to you.

  13. tina permalink

    Like many on here, I am extremely thankful for your advice and time. Life is busy and I know your time is valuable! So here’s my sob story:

    I can’t get a guy to ask me out who I like. Yes, I can get those grimy-no-life-loosers but I can’t get a decent guy who I really really like unless I initiate and chase them. If I don’t initiate time with them, then they never ask. I am usually the one even with my friends to make plans and yet I hate it. I love going on adventures but it only happens when I plan them.

    I pay for most dates because I feel like it might make the guy have fun and want to ask me out but even when I wait weeks to give him (or any guy) space to miss me–they still do not initiate plans. It’s weird because when I am with a guys they laugh, smile, genuine have fun which I can tell by the vibe, and most of them text me saying how much fun they had later that night (no sexual stuff most of the time, maybe kissing or cuddling but no sex included in this example).

    How do I get others to initiate plans with me? How can I get my dream guy without being the one to plan dates? Also, do guys like the bad-ass girl or good-girl types more?

    Thanks again for your time,
    ~Tina

    • Tina,

      I’m happy to advise and hope you are able to make the most out of what I say and have written already!

      Just because a guy isn’t interested in you doesn’t mean he is a loser. He could be interested in someone else who wouldn’t think he was a loser. If you’re not interested in a guy, would that make you a loser?

      If you want a decent guy, you need to feel VERY WORTHY. Your behavior doesn’t mirror that worth because you believe you have to DO SOMETHING to get a guy.

      Thanks for posting a while back on my dating blog.

      For a lot more info, Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to assist you!

  14. Sheena permalink

    Hi The One

    I love your blog and I think you are doing women all over a great service by writing this blog. I totally agree with what you say about men doing the pursuing. My problem is that I am often “pursued” by the wrong kind of men–those who are already taken! They flirt with me, ask me out, do the stereotypical things that a potential boyfriend will do and simply “forget” to mention that they already have a girlfriend!! Now I am NOT interested in stealing bfs and dating men who are already taken. I believe this is morally wrong and if I knew a man was involved with someone else I would never respond to his overtures. The problem is that I don’t KNOW that they are taken. What makes this complicated is that these men are in long distance relationships or they are not in my social circles so I cannot easily find out about their true relationship status. Some are visiting scholars from another country, and not everyone has their status on Facebook or any evidence of being in a relationship that is easy to figure out.
    I have tried asking them upfront, or indirectly enquiring about their relationship status and they either evade it, lie or avoid the question or imply they are single. Usually it is difficult for me to determine where they stand because I only realize in retrospect that they were being evasive or misleading. I don’t know how to press for information that a person is simply not willing to reveal or clever at concealing. Even if they do answer that they are single-how can I be sure they are telling the truth? I have been blatantly lied to before. They certainly ACT like single men on the prowl. They TALK like single men on the prowl. I usually find out the hard way, after some time when they “disappear” or something appears fishy or someone else mentions their gf. There are also some men who are in my social circle, who clearly have girlfriends who are known to me and yet when they are not around, these men will flirt or hit on me or try to buy me a drink etc.. I always discourage such behavior and don’t pay attention to them but it bothers me that they even TRY and are not even ashamed of themselves. It usually takes me by surprise when it happens.
    How can men be trusted if the moment their gfs disappear they start flirting with other women–like me? This makes me generally doubtful of men.

    I’m beginning to get very frustrated with this because
    1) these men are time wasters and preventing me from meeting The One For Me.
    2) I feel very used. I don’t get involved with them, kiss them, sleep with them, get my hopes up and tend to take things slow but it is always disappointing to know that there was no real interest and they were using me as an ego boost or something. Even if I don’t let them use my body, they certainly succeed in wasting my time–which I could have used to date truly single available men.
    3) I don’t understand why they go after me and it makes me feel there is something wrong with me.
    I am always clear about my status but this is not reciprocated. I am not the type of girl who has flings or dates taken men. So why does this happen to me? I know this happens to others girls too but is there any way I can prevent this without alienating truly single men? I certainly behave like a Prize (that just seems to pique them more).
    5) Why am I always the second option? I know these men obviously don’t actually care about me and are not serious. If they were they would leave their GFs first and then ask me out–which is the honorable thing to do. But they never do. Maybe they find me attractive at some level and seem to enjoy my company. But why is it that they have chosen another girl as their gf and me as their “second option” or “back up plan” or “good time girl”? Why doesn’t some guy come along who wants ONLY me? Why am I never the first choice? Or why don’t these guys break up with their gfs if they are truly unhappy and pursue me instead properly? I am not saying that no single men ask me out but just that a lot of taken men ask me out. It seems being taken gives them more confidence to pursue, and an excuse/buffer for rejection and so they do it more. Is this a negative backlash for being a Prize?
    6) How can I ever trust my bf when I finally get one if this is what guys do the moment their GFs are away? I know ALL men are not like this but these guys seem perfectly nice but then I find out otherwise.

    I do not dress sexy, nor am I overly flirty or anything. I’m smart, decent, a good student, sometimes serious but also fun, reasonably pretty and do not sleep around. I am actually quite introverted but confident. There is nothing in my body language or behavior or whatever that indicates that I am someone to fool around with. These guys are fellow students and/or professionals-nerdy types not handsome casanovas. So it is not that I am among men who have a Hollywood type “fast” lifestyle and are so good looking that they cannot help but flirt around. Also, I am not the only one this happens to–some of my other friends have also gone through this. So this problem is pretty common. It is just that this is making it hard for me to find the real deal because of all these time wasters.

    The only good thing that comes out of interactions like these is that I get to find out how unsuitable these guys are for me and for a serious relationship. Their poor GFs probably don’t even know what their bfs are up to, so I am a step ahead of them. Even if they did break up with their GFs in the future and properly asked me out, I would be wary of them and probably decline if they had attempted to flirt with me while they were taken because that is exactly how they would treat me if I became their GF.
    I feel bad that so many guys (who are nerdy, normal and seem nice) would think of doing this behind their GFs back and keep me in the dark about their relationship status as much as possible.

    The One, please tell me
    1) How can I find out as early as possible that someone is taken and is simply wasting my time?
    2) Is there really any hope for me? If yes, then if I did find a bf–how could I trust him fully? I know ALL men are not like that but I am surprised how many normal, average, nerdy, otherwise “nice” guys will try to take advantage of a situation. This depresses me.
    3) What can I do to prevent this behavior from taken men as much as possible? I’m pretty good at pulling the stops when I DO find out they are taken but I would rather not entertain these kind of men at all.

    Waiting eagerly for your response!

    • Sheena,

      I’m glad to help with my advice! Thanks for writing and sharing.

      To answer your questions:

      1) It looks like most these men fall in the category of being long distance. So from now on, don’t chat with men who are far away. It is too hard to verify if they are single and there’s too much risk in getting emotionally involved.

      Now for the men in your social circle who do that kind of thing, just pay close attention. If you’re dating them, take things real slow. Try meeting their friends and family. You’re bound to stumble on something. Do not build up a fantasy and do not have sex prior to exclusivity. No point in getting so emotionally attached to a guy who may have something to hide when you end up finding it hard to extricate yourself from him.

      2) You don’t have to trust anybody but yourself. Trust yourself that you will have the means to find out whatever you need to know, and that you will be able to HANDLE whatever truth that confronts you. When you trust yourself, you can tackle anything that comes — even lies.

      3) What do these men have in common besides being cheaters? Is it their line of work? Is it their wealth? Figure out what that is, then don’t date men with those characteristics. Change up where you meet men. Change the type of men you normally meet. Completely overhaul whatever is familiar so there are new men in your life. If you need to change your routine, your social life, your hobbies, DO IT. If you need to look for a humbling activity to do where men with less egos would be engaging in, do it.

      Your life path right now is littered with flirty unavailable men and you need to go the opposite direction!

      P.S. No, it’s not YOU. Even if you were dressing a bit sexier, these men have no control over themselves nor do they respect their existing relationships. That’s a fact and the sooner you change SOMETHING in your life, the farther away you’ll get from such types.

      • Sheena permalink

        Thanks The One. That was very helpful.
        What I meant by those men being long distance was that *they* are in a Long Distance relationship with their GFs but are close to me..e.g. someone who has come to my city to do a fellowship and left a girl behind in another city/country. I am not dating any men who are far away–it would be impossible to keep a track of them if I cannot even meet them regularly.
        Anyway, your advice still holds. There is nothing really I can do about it except haul my social life to meet different kinds of men and should I meet such men again–just be vigilant and avoid getting in too deep. You are right, once I have confidence that I can deal with the truth–or lies as it appears, that I trust myself to deal with any situation, that is all I need. Then, it doesn’t matter what others do or don’t do. This view gives me strength.

  15. Paige permalink

    How much exposure do you think is sufficient for a man to determine you are worth pursuing?

    Also, I get that you believe females should be the prize and males should pursue. Are we, females, limited to choose amongst people who take an interest in us and act on that interest? Are we not to honor our own feelings if they develop first? If we do, are we not valuing ourselves?

    Or is your proposed method simply the best way to achieve the desired outcome (long, committed relationship) given the biological circumstaces: males’ natural instinct is to pursue and females are more flexible in terms of developing feelings towards suitors. It just seems to favor the man’s desire over the woman’s unless I’m missing a chunk of the puzzle.

    Also what do you suggest when a female is recuperating from premature emotional attachment?

    • Paige,

      Welcome to the blog!

      Every man requires something different to decide to pursue a woman. For some men it takes little exposure because they have a high drive and are natural go-getters, thereby not requiring much information aside from the right look on a woman or the fact that she has a dazzling smile.

      Other men require feeling more comfortable with her so they might need more exposure and more time. That is why I always advise being seen as often as possible by as many men as possible in order to maximize the opportunity for one of them to be driven to pursue you. Of course there is no guarantee you’ll end up with your soulmate but it doesn’t hurt either to increase the odds. Moreover, the more you are able to practice being breezy around men without being forward, the better you get at knowing how to behave and act like a Prize Catch. Plus, you don’t end up focusing too much on one guy who may not even end up asking you out or date you again.

      Yes, females are limited to men who pursue her, if she wants to be prized. If she doesn’t, she can do the pursuing. Limiting men into a pool of suitors eliminates spending time wracking her brains deciding which man is interested in her and what to do, thus taking away anxiety and saves time.

      For a lot more info, I urge you to Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to assist you!

  16. July permalink

    The teacher I like somehow got really upset and blamed me for the things that he had totally misinterpretation on me. He took simple questions about learning into a personal level and blew up on me. He said if I thought I knew better than him, I did not need a teacher! I had no idea what did this come from? He later scolded me in two separate lessons for simple things about practicing at home and made me very sad. When I hinted that we will be leaving him in another lesson, he stuttered and talked in a voice that sounded tight and almost like that he’s going to break down. He kept saying that he was harsh because he thought I did not follow his instructions and he liked my kid very much. He wanted to help him. I told him what he did made it very hard for us to practice at home because I was beaten down by his words.

    I felt sorry that he was this sad in response to our thought of leaving. I could tell it was sincere and he was not really good at socializing at a more personal level, either. He hopes we would not leave and holds the space for me to think over. Should I forgive him? If I do, will he treat me lowly in the future? What should I do if I decide to stay? I do like him and hope a chance to become closer to each other some day so that I do not want to make wrong steps. He knows that I like him a lot but we never date. He is not a suitor. He usually is a calm person. He is mysterious to people around him as he never reveals his emotions. However, do I hold a special place in his heart as he was almost going to break down?

    • July permalink

      Well, I kind of getting the answer for myself. I should be aware of the Law of Effect of the behavior psychology: Don’t reward the bad behavior with good behavior. It is also what you have advised us all the time: Value yourself so that people value you. But it would be great to hear your insightful opinion on this situation. Thank you very much.

    • July,

      You’re dealing with a man who does not know how to express his feelings in a non-violent manner. Such a man has problems bonding emotionally and being intimate. He would not be able to love. He is not eligible for a relationship with any woman.

      So instead of saying something honest like, “Gee, I’ll miss you guys! I’d hate to see you go.” He lashes out. He’s abusive.

      You can feel sorry that he has this handicap, but don’t let that make you feel obligated to stay. What about the effects of all this on your child who’s taking lessons from him?

      His brilliance and eccentricity are no excuse for bad behavior.

      Armed with this knowledge, what do YOU deserve? Do you deserve to be treated civilly, with decency and respect?

      Who cares why he is the way he is. A serial killer may have had a rough childhood, but he is a danger to society nonetheless. This man needs anger management, so you need to decide if you want to be the brunt of his temper or stay away. Again, how do you want to be treated?

      Yes, forgive him. But forgive yourself for not considering your child who has to deal with potential outbursts. You need to view this man as a teacher to your child and whether he is appropriate for that role. That is the reason you even know this man in the first place.

      Forgive yourself as well for building a fantasy of him that has kept you stagnant and hopelessly holding on, that has nothing to do with reality. Reality is that he is no mystery. He’s a guy, despite being calm most of the time, who has unresolved issues and blows up on his pupil’s mother.

      You admit he is not a suitor. What are you doing still thinking about him? Now that you know he is NOT a suitor, NOT emotionally stable, and NOT good for your child, you should know by staying, you are showing him that his behavior is acceptable to you, and in the future, he is allowed by you to behave that way again.

      Is this what you want to communicate to him by way of staying with him as a teacher?

      How do you know he’s not angry because of the loss of income he’s getting from you? Don’t assume he’s angry because he has some sort of emotional attachment to you. That special place in his heart might just come down to the almighty dollar.

      Tolerating bad behavior speaks volumes about the person doing the tolerating. Work on finding out why you are okay with that, because by not being able to distinguish between acceptable behavior and unacceptable behavior, it will be difficult for you to be in a healthy relationship.

      • July permalink

        The One,

        You are very right. I do feel he is abusive and I don’t like that. My kid used to like him a lot and wanted to be his friend when growing up. But that was before the recent incidents. I thought about leaving him a bit back but could not do it because I love his talent. He produces beautiful music and I hope my kid can learn the best from him. However, it shows very clearly that it is not healthy for both my kid and me if we stay. I’ve found a new teacher and we will be leaving.

        I do feel sorry for him for knowing how he prisons himself emotionally. But I don’t know how to help him. He is sensitive, defensive and has huge ego. He is awkward. I can tell that he is lonely, too. By staying close to him, I lost my own balance which I need for raising my kid. I’m glad that I am able to gather enough courage to leave. The One, I have been reading your blog a lot. I learn to be strong also by the wisdom you’ve revealed online. Thank you very much.

        • July,

          Glad you’re learning to be strong and having the courage to leave!

          You have a kind heart. What man deserves to be the recipient of your love? A man who can step up and cherish you. But you can’t fix a man, as helpful as you are. And learn that a man’s TALENTS don’t cut it for a woman. She can be his admirer or fan, but no more.

          What she needs from a man is that he PURSUE her and TREAT HER LIKE A PRIZE. She needs his actions, not his musical skills, brain power, witty jokes, athletic ability, impressive resume, etc. Those are HIS attributes and have nothing to do with her.

  17. Thanks to your blog i have finally been able to let go of a man that i had been chasing for months. It was exhausting, and because i was doing all the chasing, he stopped pursuing me. I had settled for crumbs and made him the “Prize”, when i was the Prize all along.

  18. Trish permalink

    Dear The One. Nevermind…I found your advice on the “How to get back at him if you had sex with him.” Thanks for being so blunt and honest. I really appreciate this blog!

    • Trish,

      Great that you found the answer. The reason why he is texting you without asking you out is because he is not serious about you, does not value you, and does not wish to invest in you. He just wants female company WITHOUT having to put in the effort and time.

      Taking you out on a proper date requires arranging, planning, escorting, and paying for the date. It requires that he step up. Clearly he either cannot or does not see you as worthy of his investment.

      You want a man who finds you worthy, because you feel worthy. So ignore him, move on, and continue being the Prize that you are!

  19. Trish permalink

    Dear The One. There is a man whom I allowed him to kiss me and more on the first date. We were physical from the beginning but never went too far. After the first week of us dating, I decided I didn’t want to continue in this direction. In fact I told him I didn’t want to see him anymore because I allowed things to go too far too fast and I found out we didn’t share the same views on things in life so it better to end it early. He told me he liked me a lot and I told him that I liked him but it wouldn’t work out between us. It has been a constant since I’ve met him that he texts me mostly around 10pm and on or the late morning. He has just started a business and I know first hand that it’s very demanding. Since our break off, I made it a point to be lazy in my replies to him. So I’ll wait a couple days or so and then reply. We haven’t seen each other since that break off. Now I just don’t reply at all. The day that I went to go break it off with him, he called me immediately right after and said that he missed me and wanted to continue seeing me. It has been a month now and he continues to text me.To be honest I am still infatuated by him because he is so charismatic and charming and seeing his texts come through everyday makes me a little excited. He has not properly asked me out to dinner but continues to constantly text me to say “Hello” or “Hi, how are you?” or “I miss you.” I have not replied in a week but he continues to text me everyday, what’s up with that?

  20. Hannah permalink

    I hope you’re still actively updating this blog because I really need some advice. Looking through the comments, I see I broke one of your rules. After I went on a date the other night, I broke one of your rules. The guy picked me up (rang the doorbell), paid (obviously), & walked me up to my door afterwards. I am 99% sure I accidentally prevented him from kissing me goodnight & because I felt bad about it I texted him after to say thanks again & that we should not see a scary movie sometime when I got back ( I am on vacation)…
    Is it possible that I can come back from this & he will initiate in the future?
    Thanks so much!

    • Hannah,

      I don’t know what you did to prevent him from kissing you goodnight. But if you didn’t let him kiss you and then texted him afterwards about seeing him again, you’re giving him mixed messages which will confuse him or worse, rub him the wrong way.

      For a lot more info, I urge you to Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to assist you!

  21. Anya permalink

    one more question–how do I respond if the guy’s friend comes and asks me if I like the guy and if I say he is cute or say yes, the friend TELLS me to go ahead and ask him out?

    • Nobody tells a Prize Catch to ask a man out.

      Once you open the door for him, he needs to step in and seize the chance of asking you out or slink away in defeat.

      By responding to his friend, you are already cutting him some slack for not having the gumption to pursue you.

      So if his friend tells you to ask him out after your response, you need to laugh out loud, smile with a twinkle in your eye, and walk away. Why? Because it’s ludicrous.

      For a lot more info, Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to assist you!

  22. July permalink

    If I like a guy a lot but never told him that, may I give him flowers once in a while? He knows that I love flowers and love to give flowers to people. He also knows that I care about him. If I bring him flowers once in a while, will I lower down myself so that he will never try to know me or even pursue me?

    • If he already knows you care about him and didn’t ask you out, getting flowers would make him run for the hills.

      There is no need for you to show him you like him. If a guy knows you exist and he wants to spend time with you, he will find you.

      You as the woman never have to remind a man you exist or that you like him. He knows.

      And by doing nothing, he is not interested. Save yourself from pain and rejection — don’t give him flowers.

      For a lot more info, Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to assist you!

      • July permalink

        Thank you very much for your response. It gives me courage and a clearer mind. But let me explain the situation a bit better just in case I did not miss important details. Sorry that this is the first time I ask question in the public domain and I am not good at it.

        I am a single mom and he is my kid’s music teacher. He likes my kid and shows he cares abut us, too. We’ve been studying with him for 20 months. Not until two months ago that we would be able to express ourselves better; both he and I were nervous when we saw each other. I had been avoiding him after all the recitals or workshops because my shyness, and I sensed he was shy, too. But whenever I gave him something, he would be very happy, almost like a kid. His mind seems to be in the music completely and he has a rigid, conservative appearance even though he is handsome. He treats people with respect; he talks respectfully and does not flirt. At least that’s what I experience.

        In the beginning, our email exchanges were more business like because the wording and content he wrote. Recently, he is more open and will sometimes express his emotion elegantly in writing. For example, he would say my presence at an occasion meant a lot to these parents, and also to him. He is anxious to see the photos I took. He was excited to open up the possibilities for my kid. He said he liked the gifts I gave him and that each of them had special meaning and innate beauty,… etc. . Those adjectives were non existing in previous emails; he is known to be reserved and not showing his feelings. Indeed, every time he reveals some emotional words to me, he’d be a bit tensed when we see each other the next time but he’d try to maintain his poise. He just like to keep a distance to everybody as a teacher, I think. He needs to maintain some delicate balance among all the parents and kids, I’d guess.

        He never asked me out. Just several times in the past he made some requests for me or both my kid and I to go to his studio that were out of routine and seemed to be redundant. I felt he’d like to see us. He was happy when he saw us; his eyes were shinning. But everything was carefully addressed to the learning of music.

        I gave him a flower in a vase that he could grow at the end of last year. He told me he was so happy that he told everybody about it. He took care of it very well. When the flower was about to bloom, he wrote in an email to tell me he couldn’t wait for me to see it.

        I gave him a beautiful sculpture a few days ago. He said he appreciated it very much that he put it in this place that he could see it all day. He actually moved away this important thing he has and put mine on there. He also went out to get a vase and the kind of flower I first gave him in the beginning of the year and put it next to the sculpture. I was touched. This is why I thought to give him flowers to encourage him.

        I do miss him a lot everyday. He and I have many things in common. He feels like a soulmate to me. He lives with his parents. His parents seem to like me and my kid. When they see us, they would slow down or stop the car to greet us while driving. They always smile to us. His mom and me have something in common, too.

        I would be very appreciate if you could give me advice on what I should do from here. Thank you very much.

        • July,

          Men don’t need gifts to take an interest in a woman.

          The most important thing you need to do is to examine if you are happy to always be the giver and chaser.

          He hasn’t proved to you he is interested in you aside from treating you like a parent of one of his students, whom he depends on for income. In this respect, of course he will always be happy to see you. He will always be nice, polite, and welcoming. And he will continue to just talk about music. He won’t be talking about how he feels about you, because based on his actions, he doesn’t feel what you feel.

          You are convincing yourself the feelings are mutual. But I only offer practical advice for realistic outcomes. I do not offer advice to support a fantasy based on assumptions that may or may not be true.

          For a lot more info, I urge you to Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

          Hope to assist you!

      • July permalink

        Dear the One,

        Thank you very much for your insightful advice. You are right and I do agree with what you said. And yes, “Men who know you and don’t pursue you don’t need your encouragement.”

        When I first met him, I was still in a marriage. I became available just a year ago and he knows that I’m still going through the process of grieving the separation.

        I won’t “chase” him like chasing for a boyfriend. I will just be friendly, cheerful and supportive and, in the meantime, be independent and myself. If I ever give him flowers again, I will recognize that it is only for my own pleasure and I should not expect reciprocate or interest from him. I should also be very careful not to do things to hurt myself.

        Parents give him gifts all the time. He is a very good teacher. When I gave him gift, I always had a good reason to thank him.

        The One, thank you for being there for many women like me.

  23. Anya permalink

    Hi The One
    I 100% agree with you on not pursuing a man. You are so clear about what a suitor is that one need not ever be confused about a guys’ actions. However, I have faced this situation repeatedly. Guys have often hit on me, flirted with me, showed signs of romantic interest–sometimes for several years but never done anything about it. I have never made the first move and always waited for them to take things further concluding that they were either confused or just playing with me when they didn’t ask me out. Regardless of their interest, they were clearly not suitors. This has kept my dignity and heart intact. However, these same guys have then told me years later (once they are either married, taken, moved away or whatever) that they were attracted/in love/interested in me.
    I just don’t get it why men don’t ask a woman out if they are clearly interested. It is not like I was mean or unfriendly to them. I have always been nice even if a little feisty. I did not have romantic interest in them but I was open to the possibility of exploring things with them. As a woman I tend to feel attraction very gradually so who knows where that might have led? I know you would still say -don’t chase a man and I never did and I agree with you on that. Personally, I don’t think I could ever fall in love with someone too flimsy or chicken hearted to ask me out for a simple cup of coffee. Really, how hard is that anyway? I don’t expect fancy dates or spending tons of money on me etc. just something simple and fun that the guy has initiated and planned in advance, is a one-on-one date and not ‘hanging out’.
    But I have lost so many romantic opportunities this way, it is disappointing. Now I’m wondering about those who showed me interest, who others noticed to be smitten with me but never did anything about it nor confessed about it later on. Perhaps some of them really were romantically interested in me and it could have led to something more.
    Another problem is that some guys are extremely indirect and keep trying to drop hints to get me to ask them out–like suggesting we should go out, asking if I have a bf, if I find them attractive, what qualities I find attractive in a man, making their friends ask me if I am interested, telling their friends to tell me that they like me or to ask them out. I always see through such tactics and answer vaguely or make jokes. I never fall for it and ask them out or confess my feelings. They HAVE to step up. But then usually they don’t and then nothing ever happens.

    I have two questions for you

    1) Why is it that I seem to attract cowards? I know you don’t know me and of course we cannot control who we attract entirely but it is frustrating to find that most men interested in me are just too scared to ask me out. Is it me or is it the men or the culture?

    2) What can I do to prevent this in the future and lose more opportunities? I know you said, guys don’t need help and I shouldn’t chase and that even a shy guy will find a way to ask me out if he really wanted to but being a Price Catch feels very passive. I feel the helplessness of watching a guy who is too scared to ask me out then go out with another girl who was bold and either made her interest known or asked him out. I feel like the loser in this situation, not the Prize Catch. The guy and girl seem to go on to have a perfectly wonderful relationship later on and I am the one left all by herself, princess in the ivory tower.

    3) How should I deal with guys who are indirect? -i.e. who tell their friends to ask me out on their behalf, or tell their friends to ask me if I like them, consistently suggest that we should go out or ask me if I like them/find them attractive, ask me what kind of guys I like and how they compare, or how they are the perfect bf for me. Personally, I find this off-putting because it makes them come across as under-confident, scared, cowards, and unwilling to risk even a small rejection for me. However, in the case that I do want to give a guy a chance, how should I deal with him in such situations? Should I say that I like them or that I would be happy to go out with them or ask them to ask me out? I feel that is too forward and sounds like chasing. What is the best solution? Should I just ignore them and move on?

    Again, if I ignore all these types of guys and move on every time, I will have no opportunities left. Very very few guys have been proper suitors and I didn’t find them attractive. Am I doomed to only choose among those who are willing to be my suitors in the way you describe? What if I am not attracted to guys who are attracted to me? Please don’t tell me it is because my self-esteem is low or that I might be aiming too high.

    You are so clear and always to sensible about your advice on men. I feel like you are the only one who can understand this and suggest something that will make sense or at least help me understand what is going on. You are not afraid of telling the truth and that is what I like about you. So please answer…

    Waiting eagerly for your response!

    • Anya,

      You are doing the right thing in upholding your self-worth. I toast to that! Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to assist you.

      • Anya permalink

        That was such a helpful response. I knew you would be the best person to ask. You are right I especially found your suggestions helpful about what to say to guys when they ask me questions indirectly. I will need some practice since I am not used to responding in this way.

        Thank you The One! You should change your name to The Best:)

  24. Don’t call, text, drop hints, hang around waiting for a phone call, forward cutsie e-mails your friends sent or make “suggestions” that are not solicited.. In short, if he’s interested you’ll know it. If he’s not, you’ll know that too. Take care of yourself. Pursue your interests. Look beautiful! Go to the gym. Read. Develop or cultivate what resonates with you. And yes did I say don’t CALL.? And date, date, date. The right one will make it all easy. You don’t be easy. They like a challenge. Be that!

  25. Thanks again for your response, The One!

    I have definitely tried the reciprocation on more than one occasion but there was never an actual lead up to it. I’ll give you the typical scenario:
    Me: “I had a lot of fun today, thank you for taking me to the movies!”
    Him: “Yeah, it was fun. I’ll give you a shout later.”

    After he would text me, I’d throw an activity that I enjoy out in the open, like “I’m so dying to go mountain biking, I haven’t gone in so long!” to see if he’d ask me to go with him, but all he’d reply is “Yeah, mountain biking is awesome.” and then the idea would be dropped altogether. Most of the time he’ll ask how I’m doing, then he’ll go on and on about himself with no date in sight, no words such as “When can I see you again?”… It’s frustrating, and I’ll hardly engage in his texts to begin with, since he isn’t actually pursuing.

    Last weekend he went to a wedding, (and didn’t invite me) then proceeded to tell me that he’d call me after it was done, because he was hoping to see me that night, since he’d be boating tomorrow (no invite to that either). I told him I’d be calling it an early night, because to me that sounds like a booty call. Its now Friday and he hasn’t asked me out again.

    I am a prize, but I believe that perhaps he is not interested in me enough to continue pursuing me. When you said to let a man go after he’s stopped pursuing you, what’s the window frame? Two weeks? A week? A day?

    Your answer is truth, so thank you!

    • The One,

      After thinking more on this, I realize that a price catch would never second guess herself, never wonder when to give up on a man who hardly gave them anything to begin with. It is with this realization and your wisdom that I’ve decided to truly let go of the fantasy and move on. I was caught in a moment of weakness, but I know now that I deserve better, being the prize that I am.
      I truly thank you for all your knowledge and wisdom. You have no idea how much heartache you’ve saved me!

      • M.,

        I am happy I’m able to help you. Thank you for saying that.

        BRAVO on waking up to your worthiness. Congratulations on not wasting time on the fantasy! NEXT!

    • M.,

      Glad you tried reciprocating but of course, a guy may not always be interested in what you want to do. In that case, you have to weigh in whether he has all the traits of Boyfriend Material which include “wanting to make you happy”.

      For a lot more detailed information specific to your situation, I urge you to get your secret weapon in dating and relationships when you Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to assist you.

  26. Mary Cherry permalink

    Hi The One! First of all, I think this blog is so refreshing in the midst of all those websites telling women to basically throw themselves at men. I’d like to get some advice from you.
    I met this guy who randomly contacted me via Facebook (never met him before, had no clue who he is) he’s 34 and I’m 28. So he asked me out, thought about it for a few days, and I accepted.
    On our 2nd date, he tried to kiss me but I pulled back because well………..it’s like, I’m getting to know you first? A month passed, and we hadn’t talked to each other. Then I messaged him and I was like hey what’s up! Let’s go for drinks or something. Very nice conversation, chilling, etc. He seems like a nice person so far, I’m not judging anyone, but I’m doing things at my own pace.
    After that, he went for vacation with his family, came back and then he was like hey! how are you? how’s everything? maybe we can hang out again, I was like sure, but we didn’t really arrange any details. I feel like that’s his job anyway.
    Anyway, as of right now, I’m attending therapy with a psychologist b/c I’ve issues I need to resolve. With this dude, I’m taking things VERY slow. I don’t initiate conversations or invitations unless he does first. Not sure if this the right approach, but I’m definitely serious about putting my needs first and getting through these issues. Any opinion about this? Any word of wisdom please? If we go out again, should I tell him about this therapy I’m doing if he brings up the subject of getting more “serious? What’s your take?

    • Glad you’re reading the blog. Hope you learn a new way of dating.

      Well, you did initiate. You contacted him after the date, which I have said in my article here not to.

      It seems very innocent, but that move alone signals loud and clear that he doesn’t need to step up and take you out on another date again. Because by contacting him, you are assuring him you like him already when you barely know him. Remember, the only way he should get to know you is if he nails you down for dates.

      For a lot more info, I urge you to Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to assist you!

  27. misha permalink

    I think that’s a good sign… he cares and he’s proud of you… 😉

  28. The One,

    I’ve been revisiting your blog for quite some time now, to continuously remind myself of how not to pursue men. I have had to reprogram myself entirely, and let me tell you, it’s worked wonders. I don’t give the men the time of day who don’t pursue me and only want to “hang out”, or who constantly text with no date in sight. Because of your blog, it has better helped me realize my worth and value. No more crumbs.
    I wanted to hear your opinion of men who quickly introduce you to his friends and family, but is quite spontaneous in his planning? I’m not always 100% available for him but he brings me everywhere, meeting everyone in his life when he gets the chance. What are your thoughts on this?
    In any case, your blog is amazing and enlightening. Thank you!

    • M.,

      Congratulations on reprogramming yourself! Glad it’s working wonders.

      • The One,

        Thank you for your reply and advice. This suitor of mine has an interesting character the more I’m getting to know him.

        When I said spontaneous, what I meant to say was he seems to pursue me to “bring me along for the ride”, by which I mean he’ll mostly invite me to parties with friends or take a boating trip on his new boat, however half the time he seems less engaged in me as his date/potential partner and more interested in the opportunity of showing me off. He seems self absorbed in his own planning (he’s never asked me what I want to do, but more “Hey, what are you doing tonight?” and he would suggest his idea from there).

        In this instance it almost seems as though pursuing has become less important but rather how I’m being viewed/heard by him. Perhaps I’m a mere convenience or I’m filling a void in his eyes. (Regardless, I still never initiate texts, calls or dates with him.)

        Thanks again for your amazing advice!

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