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How to Become His Girlfriend

You’ve been dating him.

Or because you’re rusty in being a Prize Catch, you’ve just been hanging out with him.

Or even sleeping with him.

Or even being his nice friend.

Or maybe he doesn’t know you exist.

You’re into him, that’s for sure.

But are you on the right track?

Can you take this thing to the next level?

Or turn things around if it goes sour?

Why shouldn’t you have sex with him?

Can you bring up the relationship issue?

Why can’t you ask him to be your boyfriend?

What is the Danger Zone?

What is the Safe Make-Out Zone?

Why should you believe in the Power of Withholding Sex?

What is the Checklist for Boyfriend Potential?

Get this EGuide to find out and keep it within grabbing distance!

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  1. Anne permalink

    Dear One Truth

    I have an important question. I am dating a guy for about 2 months now, but only low key, as both of us are having a difficult and stressful time in our lives. In the beginning, he was inviting me out for dates, but half of them were going to the cinema, and other half only for a drink. Nonetheless he asked for us to date exclusively after about our 4th date.
    The problem is, we have only met about once a week, we don’t have a particularly good connection (sometimes we have nothing to talk about), and literally half of our dates were going to the cinema and watch a movie. Therefore, we barely got to know each other, and we have no emotional connection (we did no activity together other than cinema). Now, the problem is I will move to another country soon for about two months, but then return home. On our last meeting I invited him to my home and we did every kind of sex but no penetration. Now (and also before) he is sending me a lot of texts, but it starts to feel like this is going to be more like a friends with benefits , fuck buddy relationship and not a proper one (this time is a particularly bad timing in both of our lives as we have barely any time to go out, due to studying for exams). I would be totally okay to have just a sex/fuck buddy relationship now, if I would know that it could turn into a full blown relationship later on when I came back from abroad. However, I am afraid that if I give it up now, and then go abroad for 2 months, since we didnt have such a good connection (as we didnt do any activities together, no dates with activities except for movies) I don’t want to end up being attached and him losing interest because I gave up sex.
    What should I do in this situation? He seems like a very nice guy, he is the type that only dates women if he sees a potential for a relationship, however, he told me also that he doesn’t know if he will want to continue this thing after I return from the other country (WHICH WAS A BIG RED FLAG, but I admired him for being so honest, since I expressed that I am looking for relationship and not a fuck buddy). Should I ask for commitment now, just after 2 months without getting to know each other by properly and not have sex with him without saying he would want to keep our exclusivity? Problem is, I am myself not even sure if I want this relationship. I am just afraid I will like him too much after sex. He is really keen on texting me every day, but a lot of our text are ‘sexual’ although he asks about my day and stuff like that.
    I don’t want to mess this up, I am not yet sure if I want this guy or not (just like he is not sure about me), but we both want to have sex. Should I risk that the relationship will be all about sex and he might not contact me after I return after 2 months?
    Problem is, that he is a really nice guy, did everything right (considering our very tight schedules these days), but he might lose interest after we have sex, as at the moment our relationship is really shaky and the only connection we have (I feel) is his sexual interest.

    • Anne permalink

      Is it possible that a relationship might develop if sex was earlier than emotional connection, (if he otherwise considers the girl relationship material)?

      • Anne permalink

        He said: if I want to keep the exclusivity while I am away, then we will keep it, if I don’t, then we will not keep it. What does it mean when a guy seems so ‘flexible’ and leaves you to decide on this issue?

        • Anne,

          It means he doesn’t care one way or the other, which means he doesn’t feel the connection with you. Since this is mutual, you’re better off getting off this bus as soon as you decide you deserve a fulfilling relationship. A relationship that is only sexual with no emotional connection and nothing to talk about, is one that will always leave you longing wistfully. Imagine years and years of this.

          Right now you don’t have to have him in your life. Later you might be attached to him in some other way (as in children, house, etc) where you won’t be able to let him go on a practical level, but inside you’ll still be unhappy. Or what if later he meets a woman who does make his heart sing? He can dump you for her and that would hurt terribly, as well as make you angry at yourself for wasting your time and not having the courage to end it when you had less invested.

          Some women do hang on to a man at all costs, even a lukewarm one and at the expense of their own happiness. They hate being single and alone, enough to hang on to “something that’s better than nothing”.

          Of course, not all relationships are perfect. But having a fulfilling connection is what you want and what is necessary for a sustainable relationship, and being single and alone in the meantime (when you can be free to meet new men) should not be a heavy price to pay to find that connection.

      • Anne,

        Of course. However, sexual attraction alone doesn’t sustain a relationship as it can wane.

        You will have to assess how likely an emotional connection will appear after all this time between the two of you. You have nothing to talk about. You’ve explored each other sexually. You’ve gone on dates…

        Don’t force a round peg into a square hole.

    • Anne,

      Are you two exclusive as in boyfriend-girlfriend? Or just dating each other exclusively? There is a difference and I did recommend asking him for clarity before going forward. As I state in my EGuides, no sex till exclusivity as in a committed relationship. Therefore, you shouldn’t even be getting overly sexual with him.

      The red flag to me is that you aren’t feeling any emotional connection. Remember the Five Pillars of what makes a guy right for you? There needs to be non-physical attraction (emotional and mental), which you don’t have. When any one of the five pillars are missing, there isn’t a complete foundation and therefore building on what you have would be shaky at best.

      You can’t mess this up if you’re not right for each other. I’m sure he thinks the same way as you do. That you’re nice and doing everything right. You do seem to be more concerned with having a guy in your life than the right one. And it looks like he is the same way, because while he isn’t feeling it either, he keeps seeing you. Of course, deep down he knows something is missing, hence he drew the line regarding your 2-month departure.

      Regarding your fear of liking him too much after sex, this shouldn’t be a concern at all if you aren’t officially his girlfriend.

      When there’s nobody else in your life and there’s a nice guy who is taking you out, it’s easy to settle. But this kind of thing just won’t work when you’ve tried already to see if there’s a connection — one as important as a non-physical one. He likely feels the same and if you two were to commit to each other, it would only be a matter of time before the relationship breaks down and someone pulls the plug.

      • Anne permalink

        Thanks One Truth, wise words again! And I feel like I stepped off from the Prize Catch path in the meantime, in many ways, such as, dating exclusively without commitment from him (actually you could address this as well in an article , as in the Eguides the difference between these two is not clearly marked), in answering every one of his texts almost instantly (via chat app), in sexting till late at night, and not doing investment in myself instead. Although, I have learnt a lot from the Eguides, and still managed mostly to keep myself busy thinking about other things, only see him when he asked me to see each other, let him pay, reciprocated one in every three dates, and didn’t assume that he wants a relationship with me, so I still kept my options open (at least in theory), even if we were dating exclusively. I am still not there, not yet a Prize Catch, but at least I know how a Prize Catch would look and behave. Thanks again!

        BTW: exclusive dating (not commintment) is very common in my country, I would say, it’s what’s considered normal, and people would look at you like you’re a freak if you were to date more than one person at a time (even for men).

        • Anne permalink

          Maybe you could address the difference between exclusivity as ‘exclusive dating’, and exclusivity as ‘committed relationship’. How do I know which one a man asks for when he says exclusivity, without asking directly whether it means I am his girlfriend now.

          • Anne,

            Exclusive dating, a terminology I haven’t used in my EGuides nor do I recommend doing, is having one suitor and not seeing anyone else, and having no commitment from this one suitor. He isn’t ready to call you his girlfriend.

            Exclusive commitment is when you and he are officially boyfriend and girlfriend and are in a relationship.

            When a guy asks you for exclusivity, you ask for clarity: “Do you mean by an exclusive, committed relationship as in boyfriend-girlfriend, or do you mean seeing each other exclusively without a commitment?”

        • Anne,

          You’re welcome. In the EGuides (and on this blog) I stress the importance of dating multiple men before committing (therefore, never encouraging exclusive dating). And I actually never used the term “exclusive dating” in any of my EGuides. I always used the terms “exclusive commitment” and “exclusive relationship”, and if I used the term “exclusive” throughout the EGuides, it is meant to refer to an official relationship.

          I understand a lot of people do exclusive dating as in sticking to one suitor but that is not what I advise nor have I ever advised that. It’s to avoid wasting time on someone who isn’t right for you, but who you got attached to and can’t break off.

          • Anne permalink

            Thank you for clarifying this! It makes perfect sense, as always! 🙂 Thanks very much!

            I made the mistake by accepting exclusivity as ‘exclusive dating’ without his commitment. He was (and still is) not ready to call me his girlfriend, but we only see each other and not other people. And I think we are completely wasting each other’s time this way.

            However, he told me he is only okay with exclusive dating. In my country guys expect you to date only them, and in return they date only you, but this way they don’t feel any pressure to call you girlfriend. What a messy situation I have put myself in… 😦 Next time, I wont accept ‘exclusive dating’ from anyone, unless we are boyfriend/girlfriend, and committed.


            • Anne,

              You’re welcome! Glad you have come to this conclusion. It’s good you recognize the mistake now. What’s worse is hanging in there with a guy for years and years getting nowhere. So all in all, I think you’ve done well. You were able to apply the principles and see how you were able to keep getting dates. You now have some experience under your belt, and know more than ever what to do and what not to do, right?

              Just remember to keep your options open and never be exclusive with anyone unless he becomes your boyfriend. Till then, view every date as an opportunity to practice and hone your skills, whether or not you feel chemistry right away with a guy. So all is not lost. Practice may make perfect, but it’s definitely NOT about perfect practice. So keep meeting new men!

            • Anne permalink

              So I broke it off today. Told him exclusive dating is a no-go for me, and in return he told me he doesn’t want to keep in touch when I am abroad since we are not exclusive. This is fair I think. However, he asked me to contact him once I am back in case I still want something. Is this a bad sign that I will never be ”treasured” again, like a prize catch? The last time a guy asked me to contact him (like literally, the same way, gave me his number), was not really serious at all. Is it a mistake if I would contact him when I am back? As a Prize Catch, I would never contact a man I am interested in, however, he explicitly said I need to contact him.

            • Anne,

              Can you be his platonic friend? If not, then what is the point of contacting him again? You broke it off for a reason, right?

  2. Anne permalink

    I would like to suggest a new topic: sexting.

    When is it appropriate, at which stage of dating? Is is only okay to return such messages after you had sex or he asked for a committed relationship? Or at which stage of dating can you play along? By sexting, I mean mostly text messages with a sexual subtext, hint, or explicitly, but not necessarily pictures.

  3. Gina permalink

    I Have been dating this guy for two Months and we get s long Great and already slept with him. He has taking me out every weekend . But everytime we have sex he doesnt call me until the middle of the week ( Wednesdays) to say hello and to talk. He doesn’t reach out to me or send me messages during the week and I feel disconnected when I see him again… And even feel that the relationship gets cold. One thing about this guy is that when he reached out is thru calls not text . He is been hurt in the past; his girlfriend cheated on him . He also never been married .. What do I do?

    • Gina,

      If you’ve been dating him for 2 months and he’s still taking you out every weekend, then he should be ready to make you his official girlfriend. If he hasn’t and you want to be exclusive, it’s time to find out exactly how to go about this in my EGuide “Become His Girlfriend”.

      There may be a number of reasons he isn’t contacting you till Wednesday. Every guy is different. He could be, due to having been hurt, not ready to get too close and want to take things snail-paced. He may not be in love with you enough. He may prioritize a relationship differently from you, depending on if he’s super busy or super lazy. He may be aloof in nature and dislike too much intimacy.

      All of these could be possibilities. Discuss this with him and be prepared to walk. You don’t have to be with a guy who can’t give you what you want. You don’t have to be with a guy who can live for 3 days without knowing whether or not you’re okay.

      The EGuide will explain a lot more in detail and show you how to go about making the best decision for you at this point in the dating process.

  4. MiTu permalink

    How true, I am wrestling with this very issue right now, because I’m a believer, your statement, Kosensan: …. the truth is, apart from Christ, there can be no real love. A man who is not following God cannot lead. If he doesn’t have a relationship with Christ he will not know how to have a relationship with a woman. The antidote to the selfish dating world is not a woman becoming just as self centered as a man. Until there is true submission to Christ, by both individuals, there will be angst and tension and unrest. When a heart rests in God alone then and only then can she say “it is well with my soul”. Whether she is with a man or not.
    As a believer I have learned to love unconditionally and this is not hard for me at all. Not so with him. Very difficult, and I’m close to shutting down and walking away.

  5. xxxx permalink

    Hi the one,

    Lately, im dating this guy. I want to know when to ask for where this relationship is going… Sure, he exerts efforts in taking me out on dates, paying for them too. But, I feel like he is going to slack off/take me for granted once he thinks he’s got me. I am doing great efforts in holding back since I want what I truly deserve, after being single for a long time. One thing aside, we kissed already. I want to know if this is a bad move I’ve allowed?

    One last point, taken into account that he is clingy.. he wants to see me almost everyday.. Should I make myself available by agreeing for him to see me? As in visit me in my workplace? How often should I agree to meet with him?

    Thanks! xx

  6. Breeze permalink

    Heyo. Just a question, why do you insist that the guy has to be the one to pay for every date
    I mean me and my boyfriend have both agreed to take turns paying for dates after we both wanted to pay the check one time
    Are we less of a couple
    I don’t know about some of the things on here to be honest
    Like why does the guy have to plan everything isnt that a bit harsh
    Wouldn’t they like a girl who doesn’t want everything done for her
    Someone who is independent enough to pay for the check and plan the date
    A girl who is daring enough to not WAIT for the guy to ask, but to ask them themselves??
    I think that would be a nice change of pace for any guy. And if he doesn’t like an independent woman who pays for their own meals and asks out guys himself, he’s just not worth the trouble.
    Just thinkin’ out loud here, yo.
    And another thing.
    “Look, men look out for themselves. Don’t even think for a second they do what they do to make things easy for you.”
    Stereotypical much?? Seriously, that’s some sexist stuff flowing out of your mouth right now.
    You can’t tell me that you actually fucking believe that crap haha. If you do, you’ve obviously had a lot of bad experience with men, and I’m not sure you’re really in the place to be telling anyone about relationships! Your views are pretty sexist and old!
    What the hell happened to the term “Just be yourself”?? I mean of course not everyone is going to like the real you, but the people who will matter in your life will, and will take you how you are for the rest of your life, no “playing hard to get” needed! I just hate the fact that you’re telling woman to do all of these things for guys who won’t even be with them in the long run! If these guys were important we wouldn’t have to be stretching our necks for them, it would just happen! That’s what happens when two people are in love with each other. The relationship just happens, and you can call or text all you want, because that person adores you! Even if you text them too much, they probably won’t get annoyed because, yknow, they ENJOY you! And if they do end up getting annoyed, they’ll forgive you because they LOVE you! And if not, why be in a relationship with a man who doesn’t love you? That’s idiotic.

    • Breeze,

      I normally remove comments that contain offensive language but for the sake of educating you and others, I reply with this:

      You can certainly do as you please in whatever manner if it makes you happy. No one is forcing you to change your ways. Just remember, taking turns paying runs the risk of allowing him to step down, not up. When a man pays, it gives the most proof that he values you and thinks you are worth it.

      You can certainly pay if it is about RECIPROCATING, which I explain in my EGuide “When & How to Reciprocate”. This allows the woman to show her interest and effort, but at the same time still requires the man to pursue and cherish her.

      What I outline benefits the woman throughout the dating process: she keeps the man intrigued without making herself look like a freeloader.

      Your next comment will be deleted if it is offensive like the last one.

      • Breeze permalink

        Ma’am. With all due respect. You aren’t educating me.Please, don’t put it that way. I know about relationships.
        Whoops, that last message *was* VERY harsh I guess. I’ll tone it down. Sorry.
        This is what I don’t get about this. We complicate relationships was too much. We make it seem like the other gender has some complicated mindset that we need to decipher to woo them. And in all honesty, it should never be so difficult to date people. It’s actually pretty black and white! They either want you or they don’t.
        But you’re right. I should let you have your fun, right? You do you, girl. I’m sure your man-hunting will prove the wiser. What do I know, I’m just your average snarky teenager. Carry on, my wayward son. In other words, you go girl.

        • Kosensan permalink

          Breeze i love your reply. You’re right there is an undertone to this persons blog thats a little off the mark. (Even though some may be useful for ppl w low self esteem who need to raise their standards. Ive been there.) I love your teenageness so dont change a thing. Youre absolutely right, someone who loves you is going to accept and forgive. There is freedom in real love. Not a straight jacket of anxiety worrying about “doing it right”. Theres no grace in that.

          On another note…aside from breezes comment….the truth is, apart from Christ, there can be no real love. A man who is not following God cannot lead. If he doesnt have a relationship with Christ he will not know how to have a relationship with a woman. The antidote to the selfish dating world is not a woman becoming just as self centered as a man. Until there is true submission to Christ, by both individuals, there will be angst and tension and unrest. When a heart rests in God alone then and only then can she say “it is well with my soul”. Whether she is with a man or not.

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