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Online Dating

Many wedding bells have chimed because people met online from the start.

Whether it’s a dating website, social media, or some random chat room, you have the efficiency of technology to expose yourself to a whole slew of men at one time.

But does it work for everyone?

Why do some women have success and others don’t?

How does it really work?

What kind of profile should you put up?

What kind of photos of yourself should you upload?

Why can’t you write a list of what you’re looking for on your profile?

Why can’t you share with him everything that’s important to you online?

What about social media?

Why can’t you initiate contact when you see a guy you like online?

Should you offer him your phone number?

What if he gives you his? Should you call first?

Should you talk to him on the phone to hear his voice before meeting him?

Where should you meet him?

Why doesn’t he want to meet you in person?

Why is he content to stay connected online forever?

Can you fall in love with a guy you never met?

Are you online material? Or are you better off meeting a guy elsewhere?

Get 21st century tools so you can better navigate the complexities of online dating!

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  1. Wondering permalink

    hi The One

    I was approached by a guy online a while ago. Being armed with Prize catch info I proceeded with caution. Almost from the beginning we were using Skype. I enjoy talking to him very much and he makes me laugh most of the time. We have mostly the same childhood background but I dont completely agree with some of the things he is doing in his life currently. But I have made mistakes in my life as well, so… Almost from the beginning he put out requests to come and visit me in my home town. But because he often makes jokes and get me laughing I did not take it seriously. Then a few days back he said he will pay for my trip if I come and visit him. (He has also requested my address to send me something which he remembered I once before said I like). Now he has asked me if we can get married or move in together and was very affronted when I again did not take him seriously.

    I enjoy conversing with him a lot. He makes me laugh and just knows how to keep conversation flowing. Two things: I am scared to put too much meaning into something like this. I havent met him in person and cannot say for certain if there will be a spark when we meet. Also, my company is planning on reassigning me to another country in 2 months. I may or may not come back here after that 2 month asaignment elsewhere.

    I am so confused. He really seems to be a caring and attentive guy.whose conversation I thoroughly enjoy. But it feels to me like I cannot trust this because.he fell in love so quickly and talk about serious things like moving in together when he has not even met me in person yet. Am I not just an emotional escape for him?

    • Hi Wondering,

      I think you need to go by your gut instinct, which is that this guy isn’t to be trusted. It’s a red flag when a guy professes his love for you and desire to marry you without knowing you well and meeting you in person. It means he is careless and is willing to take an abnormal amount of risk to obtain your love, which shows insecurities about his worth. It also means he is asking you to take the same risk for him, which can’t be good for you.

      You definitely don’t want this type of man, at least not until you actually face him in person and see if he is everything he says he is and more.

      Or, he is fraudulently deceiving you. There are many catfishing men out there who are trying to pretend they are the man of your dreams, even using photos of unsuspecting real men, to lure women into doing their bidding such as wiring them money. They begin by building you up and making you believe they have lots in common with you, making you laugh, calling you regularly enough to get you addicted to them. That’s when they ask you for a financial favor, and you may comply out of sheer sympathy or desire to make him happy.

      If not for money, there are men who have nothing better to do than to get a sick and twisted kick out of the whole deception to see how far they can con you into falling in love with them.

      No matter the reason for his suspicious behavior and premature feelings, you are absolutely right not to trust him. If you continue to stay in contact with him, you will eventually become deeply attached to a fantasy that can only crumble and cause pain.

      Even if he is simply using you as an emotional escape and is not a con man, that is not a good enough reason for you to develop a relationship with him before meeting him in person.

      Be careful not to give him your address and full identity. You don’t know what he would do with that information. Because you’re starting to emotionally attach to him, suggest he meet with you right away by asking him to stay at a nearby hotel when he visits you. If he doesn’t visit you, cut him loose. Why? Surely a guy who tells you he wants to marry you should be able to take this most important trip and meet his future bride!

      • Wondering permalink

        thank you, The One

        • You’re welcome!

          • Wondering permalink

            Hi The One,

            sometimes I wonder if you are psychic…

            having read and having been mindful of your comments above I sat back and cautiously waited for things to unfold one way or the other.

            Turns out all of the pursuing etc were for his own amusement and…ego.

            Thank you for helping us womem set up protective fences to limit the pain and hurt that so often follow these ‘non suitor’ interactions.

            I am grateful and wiser

            • Wondering,

              Glad you were cautious and saw for yourself his real intentions! Oh, I think we all have psychic abilities. Thanks for posting.

  2. Aqua permalink

    Hi One Truth

    I’ve been texting a guy met online for almost a month. I want to remain a mystery and a prize catch, which he knows I am. So I used the exact line from your e-guides on how to bid farewell.

    This is what ensued:
    Me: Well, it’s been great chatting with you, you’re an awesome guy and I hope you heal. Good luck with dating and take care!

    Him: Huh? Why the good bye?
    Lol, I’m sure I told you I don’t date. I just connect with people. No agenda. No boundary. No expectation. No definitions. Just connect.

    I’m not done with you. But if you feel like connecting with me doesn’t appeal to you anymore, I’ll respect that. I’ll be sad, but you must do as your soul guides you. Brutal and true.

    Me:It’s taken me a long journey and a lot of work to heal and have the hope that I have when there’s every reason for me to give up and be void of hope. It’s sad to see you there and only you can help yourself. I hope you do. I believe in you Muhammad.

    Him: Lol, I’m very confused. Even though I was vulnerable and sad revealing what I revealed, it wasn’t out of weakness or a need for you to offer me a solution or your beliefs in what you think I should do. I have my challenges but I’m happy the way I am. I help myself just fine with no one’s well wishes or assistance. I was simply connecting with you as the path opened. I can’t understand what changed your side, but again that is your stuff. You will be you. I really liked talking to you, connecting with you, experiencing a deeper souls views on the world. I would have liked to have met you, get to know you more but it seems you are clear in the path you want to take. I do wish you well, my dear. Thank you for the moments I have experienced with you. Even though we never met, touched, tasted each other, I feel better for the experience of crossing your path.

    Love and light, sweetheart.

    Me:So if you’d like to have met me, what’s stopping you?
    I have guys flying down from jhb n Ct to meet me. I can’t settle for less and I won’t.

    Him:You are right, you shouldn’t. If that’s the kind of men that resonate with you that snap to, you should let them pursue you. I’m a Wanderer. I’m not like other men. I do not beg. I do not run. I allow the paths to gently open and follow as it calls. I work 7 days a week. Because I don’t fly down at a moments notice has no bearing on my ability to connect deeply with someone. The time to meet you would open naturally. You cannot wait. And that is cool. I was enjoying this, but I understand it must end. I don’t want it to end with darkness so I was simply offering light and love to you. From my soul. Nothing more. No hidden agenda.

    If ever you feel like wanting to talk to me again, the door is always open. I close no paths to good souls. And even though I am vexed right now, I know in my heart you are a good soul.

    Take care, Phoenix

    Me: The connection will never be authentic until we meet in person. I do not demand that you beg or grovel or fly down in a snap but if we never meet then nothing’s real.
    If that’s too much for you then I’m not your type.
    I do not dabble in fantasy men.

    Him:Who said we’d never meet? You live in Durban. I’m in Jo burg. If you lived here, we would have met the next day we spoke on the phone. It’s not a matter of lack of desire or effort. It’s simple logistics. I don’t understand why you’d want to force this. If you think I’m a fantasy man and an illusion and non-authentic as you’ve said, then that’s rather sad given what I’ve revealed to you. I’m actually sad about this. I’m a tough motherfucker though. I’ll be okay.

    Good bye,

    Me: Holy shit!
    You’ve misunderstood everything I’ve said. And you’re so angry. What’s wrong with you. It was YOU who said you would’ve liked to have met me.

    Anyway, you need to calm down.

    • Aqua,

      Glad you were able to apply my advice to your situation! He reacted in protest to your decision to let him go because he was comfortably settling into an online relationship and rely on that for his emotional needs, with no interest in turning it into anything concrete.

      Of course, things like this can develop into a serious relationship for some people, but waiting for that to happen is a risk you’re not willing to take nor should you. In fact, a woman can spend a whole decade of her life waiting for such a miracle, while the guy is talking to different women enjoying different levels of online intimacy, or even get an actual girlfriend on the side on top of it. Or maybe disappear at will.

      You’re smart not to invest precious time waiting for what he calls “the time to meet you would open naturally”. In other words, when he feels like it, which is who knows when.

      When a man acts like he has all the time in the world (as in “the rest of his life”) to find a relationship, he really isn’t looking for one. He’s just using you to meet his emotional needs without proper investment and any commitment.

      Well done!

      • Aqua permalink

        Thank you so much for clarifying. I feel so much better. After his angry outburst, I sent him this and check his response below, I think it’s a lesson for everyone here to learn! (Don’t know if I said anything I shouldn’t have in this message)

        Dear dark knight

        I hope you’ve calmed down now. And your anger has disappeared with the wind. In reflection of last night, I want to clarify myself in honor of all the beautiful, soul inspiring convo we’ve shared.

        I love chatting with you and I don’t normally feel so free and that scares me, I know it scares you too.

        I want to end our beautiful conversations on a good note. I don’t want to leave harm damage in my wake.

        I appreciate your honesty and your open heartedness and open mindedness.

        I think one of the sexiest things about you is your capacity to be vulnerable with me the way you have and to display your wounds to me because that takes balls.

        I do not believe that YOU are that a fantasy man, an illusion or something inauthentic.
        Quite the contrary, I believe you’re true and honest and sometimes you wanna kick yourself for it because you end up losing things you want.

        That’s the price we both pay for being real, but darling if you only knew how precious that is then you wouldn’t want to kick yourself, you’d want to kiss yourself instead, in fact I wish I could kiss you for being true and fearlessly real in this fake world.

        And no, I’m not cold hearted bitch though it may come across that way sometimes. But I am incredibly honest, too honest sometimes. I also have to protect myself and it’s not easy.

        As badass as I am, I’m a woman and although I’m unlike the majority of the female population and unafraid of being alone and really emotionally independent. I still have hot blood running through my veins. I am intense and can feel things really deeply which is why I cannot continue being in endless conversations with you. I risk falling for a fantasy of you which my imagination will run wild with to fill in all the gaps where your presence and the real you fall short because we’ve never met.

        We’re too much alike and that’s scary as hell.

        We may never meet and that’s okay, if you decide you would like to have the “Qudsia experience” in person someday that’s cool too, but until then, much heart and healing light to you brave wanderer.

        I bid you Adieu❤️

        His reply: “Goodbye my dark angel ”

        The One, Seriously! What the hell?!

  3. carpe diem permalink

    Thank you the One,

    Thank you so much for responding. I know you are so busy with so much correspondence. You need two or three of yourself. lol. Anyways yes, I move slow meaning taking time getting to know each other before talking about relationship stuff. But yes, he wanted to talk before we met. Seems very weak to me and we had a hard time connecting via the phone. So yeah a waste of time for sure. I just wanted to verify with a professional and someone smart such as yourself. I have since deleted my account as it is not for me. If i should come across any other issues I will use you “get advise now” Thank you so much again and Merry Christmas!

    • Carpe Diem,

      You are very welcome and Merry Christmas to you too!

      You assessed it correctly, that this was weak of him. Online dating doesn’t work for everyone, though sometimes it is the site itself and the type of profiles it attracts that’s the problem. So it’s not you.

      Look forward to offering you private consultations in the future and thanks for posting!

  4. I have a couple of questions about online dating protocol. I don’t want to talk on the phone with men before meeting them, for a number of reasons. I’d much rather just make a plan to meet. No point in prolonging what might not pan out, in my book anyway. What is the best way to respond to men who want to talk on the phone first?

    Second, I really want the men to make an effort to come to my community, or something convenient to me. More men will suggest places right around the corner from them, and I have to schlep all the way there. Not doing it. So what is a nice polite but firm way to tell them to meet me at a place near me? I live in a major city, so some guys have said they don’t have a car, which is very common here. There is a subway system here, though. So I want to suggest a place that is right across the street from a subway station. I want to be nice about it of course, but if they balk, I’ll tell them to walk. I probably already answered my own question!


  5. carpe diem permalink

    Hi, I totally get everything your saying here. I have my profile up on one specific site. I only respond if i receive a message from someone I may like. One person in particular i have been chatting with. It started with 3 messages on chat that were spaced apart over a 3 week period. He says he moves really slow. Writing this I know what your thinking. But at the time, I really liked he said that because I move slow as well and am very skeptical of online dating. There are a lot of untruthful, perverts and catfishes out there. Slow works best for me as I get turned off by men who move fast. It makes them look desperate which is very unattractive. Anyways, he gave me his phone number or offered to call me as he would be happy to do so, which I let him do. He started with texts which were basically saying things such as looking forward to talking to you soon etc then a few days later he called. I was on my way out the door with a friend and had to cut convo short, 5 minutes and asked him if I could call him back the next day. So I did, letting him know I would only be home until a specific time. So basically around 3 more texts trying to nail down a time that would be best to call. He was to call on a specific day that I said I was available. So instead of calling he sent me another text saying he just got in from work, 7 p.m, it was a long day and if I was off tomorrow. I was annoyed with yet another text, and to me what I heard in the text was that it was late, he was tired and maybe call tomorrow so I did not respond That was purely my assumption. Was I reading too much into that? I have never met him so do not know if I like him. Just wanting to make sure I’m not making a mountain out of a mole hill. I understand what you say and get it that if a man is interested in you enough nothing will stop him from contacting you. However, we only know one another via cyber space which is not real. I don’t know his life or anything about him or he mine. Did I do the right thing by not responding. And yes its been a couple of days and I have not heard anything further from him.

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