Say No to Hanging Out
Hanging out has replaced a man properly escorting a woman on a date that he has planned.
Hanging out with him is why he isn’t pursuing you.
Hanging out with him is why he sees you as an easy lay or a buddy, as one of the guys.
Hanging out with him strips you of ALL MYSTERY and CHALLENGE.
Hanging out with him doesn’t make you a PRIZE CATCH.
Hanging out with him invites him to treat you badly.
Don’t do casual. Don’t hang out.
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Let Men Chase You 
How do you respond to a guy you’d be interested in dating when he asks you to hang out? How do you refuse hanging out without making it seem like you’re rejecting him? And after you’ve refused hanging out will it be likely that he’d ask you out on a proper date?
Moonbeam,
You just have to turn him down nicely, and say you’re busy or you already have plans. Who knows if he’ll ask you out on a proper date — it all depends on his level of interest in you and whether he is quitter. The EGuides, specifically “After the Date, Then What?” and “Become His Girlfriend” will give you more in-depth explanations.
Are you sure that is better to get a man who is pursuing you instead of a man who is responsible and mature? Also is it better to not have any man at all if no one pursues you properly? I’m asking because all my female friends were hanging out with their boyfriends/ husbands first. I know only two exceptions. The guys did pursuing (successfully) but they were unattractice to those women (and they admited it secretly after commitment). Isn’t it sad? I’m asking cause I’m wondering how much reality is in your advice and what can I also lose by following it. Maybe guys do pursuing only when a girl is out of their leaque and they feel it’s a good deal for them.
Ewa,
A man who takes you out on dates IS responsible and mature, more so than a man who just hangs out with you. And I believe it is better not to have a guy in your life at all if he isn’t able to pursue you.
It is not enough that a woman finds a man attractive. She also needs to make sure her future with him is secure, not depending on him financially for her own survival, but ensuring he is able to pay for dates so she feels cherished.
A guy who can’t pay for dates with you is a guy who won’t be able to make you feel loved and adored. There are no two ways about it. No matter who the woman is, she wants to be wined and dined. Maybe not always in a fancy, expensive way, but she wants to be cherished.
There is no guarantee every suitor is going to generate your interest. But there is equally no guarantee every guy who hangs out with you is relationship material and will cherish you. At least the suitor is showing effort.
The cute guy who is just your type who can’t even take you out for a coffee date is probably spoiled by all the female attention and doesn’t find any need to impress you. That is when you should not only stop hanging out, but you should run for the hills.
Don’t just look at today. Give them ten years and see if your friends who started out hanging out with their boyfriends are being adored and loved.
My advice is not about landing any boyfriend right away. Getting a guy actually isn’t hard. Just hang out with him and have sex. He might stick around and might not. But getting a guy who knows how to cherish you is what this blog is about because after the honeymoon is over (which is the case for every single relationship known to mankind), things can settle into a mind-numbing routine that kills romance.
My advice is practical if you are thinking long-term, and may not be for everyone. As long as you know what your needs are and are aware of the risks, decide for yourself what the best course of action is for you. Trust your own judgment!
Thanks for your answer!
There is also one thing which intrigues me…
Should I offer paying for my coffee and then have the hope he’ll refuse? If I don’t he may feel I’m using him. If I do…. Seems to be kinda silly to offer something hoping to be refused…
Ewa,
You’re welcome. Behave exactly how you want him to treat you. If you hope he pays, don’t offer to pay. Don’t be afraid of what he might think.
I read advice from other relationship coaches that say at least the woman should reach for the wallet but still let the man pays. We don’t have to do that, right? Just relax and let him pay? be the prize 🙂
Just relax and let him pay. Expect it. On the subject of hanging out, I would never do it with a guy I might want to have a relationship with. Too often, hanging out is uncreative and boring and ends up in the couple having too-early sex out of sheer boredom. Hanging out is kid stuff.
wow .. just hit the nail on the head The One.
Thanks.
Also…I have had time when I was lecturing him about how I thought he is just trying to have me on the wing and tell him he is just a user playing his cards…or how he could treat his gf like that…He responded by saying that I do not know him at all…I am trying not to loose a friendship but i want to do the right thing…I have moved away from him for awhile and have seen things in a clear way since…I mean I don’t need him…I have started doing my own business and although I miss him, I have gone months without contacting him…he could contact me when he is free…it’s supposed to be this way, no? what do you think, the one?
Nikkita,
Thank you for reading the blog and welcome. You’re doing the right thing for yourself by moving on. I admire you because you are staying busy building your business and taking care of yourself and your children.
It is clear to me he loved participating in dating but wanted to avoid any progress. He did that with the previous girl by helping her lose weight, and he did the same to you by helping you go out on dates. He had no girlfriend because he didn’t make it official with her. He seemed to enjoy offering make-overs to women and that’s really about it. He should get a job as a life coach or something.
But at least you got out and got a taste of what it’s like to go out. So you benefited even though it hurt that he didn’t move things forward with you. You were wise to stop contacting him! Let him initiate, and let him ask you to be his girlfriend. Till then, pay no attention to him. I hope that answers your question.
Meanwhile, besides being busy with work and family, you may want to get the right tools to handle dating challenges that may present themselves when you do meet new men. Most women find themselves in the middle of a dating mess before arming themselves with the secret weapons.
So before you do the same, I highly recommend getting the EGuides and immersing yourself in them. They will help to clear away any confusion and open up a whole new world for you. They will shatter your old perspectives on dating, and rebuild your knowledge so you become a Prize Catch. You will not ever wonder again if a guy is a time-waster or has potential. You will have the confidence to go on dates and have a nice time without feeling vulnerable. You will know when to say no and when to say yes, and do so with conviction and without fearing losing his interest.
Feel free to Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange when you’re ready. I think you will find it worthwhile as many have!
Thanks the one for your rely, you did answer my question. I ‘ll consider the guides even though I have no intention of going out and about to date. I hate dating…seriously, there is soooo many wrongs things happening nowadays ; But I know I need to learn the basics and l need invest in some one to one advice sessions or coaching sessions…thank you for saying you admire me, It was hard at first…and still hard but reading this blog and seeing that I need to be a prize changed my whole mind settings. A man should need me…not behave like he need to fix me. He has contacted me on my birthday and I had no idea he knew or remembered. We have not spoken for a long time and I was really happy for the text message because he is abroad for a contract. He has been away for few months now… I felt like he wanted to tell me he still think about me?. I tried to keep my text back casual, but I was really touched.There is not much for me to run on with, since it’s just a nice text wishing me good things on my birthday… I couldn’t really start conversations, telling him how I have been and so on… I tried my best to ignore my urge to have lengthy conversations and kept my reply simple and short.
Nikkita,
Yes, you’re right. He certainly seemed like he enjoyed fixing you. And you are wise to recognize that and move on.
Yes, he thought of you. But is that enough? Meanwhile, know what you deserve, and if you need more personalized support, knowledge, and tools, feel free to sign up for the Email Exchange anytime. Hope to help you further!
Hi the One, I am happy to be here, reading your blog. a bit long but thanks for taking the time.
After my divorce, I was having a fantastic time trying to recollect the pieces and I am still am…I was confident in myself in being what I really wanted to be and was doing everything I could for myself and my children. I randomly reconnected with an old friend. He was at my wedding and really helped us with the organisation. He was shocked to hear about the divorce and decided to “help” me out. I never really saw it coming. I am the usual laid back girl who would like to keep to herself and I never go out. And we always had very interesting conversations. he is brilliant and I had ton of respect for him. He encouraged me by complimenting all of my efforts…he was brilliant with the kids every time.They liked him but then they like everyone who gives them such positive attention.
One day he convinced me to go out with him as he wanted me to meet other people and enjoy my life. my ex husband was the first and only man I have been with and I never really been out. Now I am not a saint , I just made a conscious choice not to let Men play with me so was really strict about my upbringing even though I was a model and still do part time modelling.I think he liked that about me but wanted me to discover few things. He took me out on a “date” he planned carefully…he even gave me advice on what I could wear…we were laughing through it all and I was thankful he wanted to help me. Now, I knew he had a girlfriend because about a year after my wedding, he got attached to a girl who was absolutely obese and he helped her loose weight, I believe they formed a perfect relationship in my eyes and I never understood why he never made it official. I mean, she wants the girlfriend status and he seems to drag it along. I used to tease him about her and telling him she really loves him and he would tell me, nothing is official. They have been “friends” for 5 years…
so I never thought he was interested in me in that way since he had a girlfriend and I certainly had question marks about possibly stringing his gf along.
On the day, I have to say, I was really dashing and he commented that he could keep him for himself instead of training me for someone else as a joke.
I asked him if he was doing all of these because he wanted to be more than friends, he responded by asking me if I wanted him to be more than a friend. I answered, why not…That I think I liked him. He replied that he liked me too and has since before I got married and that we should get to know each other as he is attached. He said he didn’t want sex but we should get to know each other and date. I was totally taken aback. Sure I thought he was playing me but one day he came to visit , he stayed in my flat the whole night and didn’t want to make out although I was totally vulnerable. He would just want to cuddle up and said he wants to be there for me. I got frustrated and started acting crazy. I thought he was really senseless knowing I didn’t need any drama at this point in my life, seeing me go through all the divorce and the trauma… I would on and off tell him I did not want to see him and apologise for my behaviour. you would think the easiest thing would be to stop contacting him and stop accepting his presence but… I just want something serious and this is just not it. I want to trust him but I seem to not be able to… ..I am just not sure what to do apart from walking away and date other people.
I love your blog! I’m in a position where a guy in my friend group has been texting me regularly. I’ve grown to like him but he also talks to other girls in our friend group and people say he’s a player. Sometimes he won’t even talk to me in person and he makes me mad but later he’ll apologize and I’ll forgive him as if nothing happened. Do u think I should just forget about him?
Elle,
Thanks for reading my blog! A man who ignores you is definitely someone you should forget about. You want a suitor, not a friend.
What if a guy wants to help you? I mean he’s willing to do for free something he normally does for money? Just to see you. Let’s say he’s professional. Is it the same as hanging out?
Oh my friend stepped into this trap, and finally she got used for sex.
It is dangerous. He doesn’t do it freely, he expects something in return from you, let it be sex or payment on dates, etc. I think it is dangerous field but let’s hear The One’s answer.
Anabel,
There is nothing wrong with letting a guy help you. But if he doesn’t ask you out on a date, he’s not as interested in you as he would lead you to believe.
You guys are very old school and wise, and everything you say is on target….and that’s what makes you guys VERY ATTRACTIVE yourselves….I love wisdom and common sense in a man….and if I were a man I would love wisdom and common sense in a woman…..I have to give you all a standing ovation….congrats!
Thanks, Willow. Yes, some old-fashioned ways still work!
Hi The One,
Your views are empowering, thank you. I am curious to have your take on how we should go about when a men we fancy is in our group of friends? How do you stay a catch if you’re always around?!
Fabum
Fabum,
Stay friendly but don’t show him any interest beyond just casual friendship. If you can’t help feeling attracted to him and he doesn’t ask you out, you’ll have to be merciful to yourself and stay home. Being in longing/yearning mode only gets you unrequited love. See the article “What about Just Being Friends?”.
Hi! First off let me say this is an awesome website and you give GREAT ADVICE. everything that I have read on here is so true. Anyways, there’s this guy I work with. Ive been seeing him for about 4 months. He claims he really likes me, he’s very nice. I met his mom. We talk everyday via texting. We have slept together, but I dont always give him what he wants! If I ask him to go somewhere or to one of my friends he’ll come. The only problem is, he doesnt ask me out. On dates or to hangout. I have to do it everytime. I pushed for him to do so, and he says he’ll try but he never does. Maybe I beat him to the punch because I constantly want to see him? He’s all about mens empowerment and is completley against feminism. And hes always claiming hes an “alpha” male. He gets really upset when I talk about cutting this thing off. But I just want something more. Also, he tells me he doesnt want a relationship because titles dont matter- he said he wants it to be “organic” and that what matters is how people feel. I really do like this guy. Also, hes 9 years older than me. Which makes things harder. Curious as to what your insight is on the situation?
Seriously Stephanie? If you think this is an awesome blog and he/she gives great advice I think you already know the answer. You are doing EVERYTHING the One says not to. Read again and there will be your answers. I am so sorry if I am out of line. But after reading this I was so stunned I had to respond. He is totally using you.
Stephanie,
If you’re not happy with how he is treating you, you have to move on. Stop asking and begging for something he refuses to give you. Know your worth.
I urge you to get your secret weapon in dating and relationships when you Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.
Hi One, oh my this is about my previous post with married guy who has the parties at his house. He’s divorced now and has asked me out on a date. Here my stuck spot.. I am struggling with my thoughts. I was embarrassed and a little hurt he had a party when (hot young thing) came to town, he invited most of our mutual friends but did not invite me. Some women he had at the party didn’t hesitate to throw it in my face how they were invited but not me. Now, it been months and I can’t move past this…I keep thinking how little he cared about my feelings. Granted we were not dating, but this was a calculated move on his party not an over site.. he clearly did not want me there. He’s now divorced and wants to date me. Should I speak to him about it because it’s currently bottled up inside me. I just cant seem to get over it what do you think?
Itay,
The problem was that you developed feelings for him by focusing on him so much when he was busy having parties and enjoying the company of multiple women.
Learn from him because that is what YOU should be doing: Dating multiple men, or at least going out with friends and meeting new people.
Instead, you obsessed over him. A Prize Catch NEVER obsesses about any man, even if he is her HUSBAND.
For a lot more info, I urge you to Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.
Hope to assist you!
Thank you so much, The One! You are so right. He needs to step up. And if he doesn’t, then I don’t want him to be my man! If he had been a proper suitor, I would not be obsessing over this in the first place! You snapped me right out of it. I m so grateful, yet again 🙂
You’re welcome. No more obsessing!
Dear The One, you have been so instrumental in building my self esteem in the past months. Thank you so much for such long awaited advice! I’m in a tough situation, and need your help. I met this guy at work, and we slowly became (somewhat) friends. We also have a bunch of friends in common, so we ended up hanging out a couple times. Each time, we have had good chemistry – he is a very closed off, serious guy that many girls can’t seem to get to, yet he opens up to me, talks about his childhood, aspirations, etc, and asks about mine. He has invited me to go with him (and his guy friends) to shows/events, and well, so far I have refused, just because I already had plans. His best friend, who works with us as well, doesn’t know that I like him, and told me the other day that he takes his time before asking a girl out. What should I make of this? Should I just keep on hanging out in groups, as friends, without building any fantasy, until he asks me out? Should I stop hanging out at all? It would seem quite radical… I know that he didn’t invite any other girls/colleagues to the things he has invited me to, and that he doesn’t ask other friends/colleagues personal questions, but I don’t want to be that girl who gets fixated on a guy without him showing concrete proof of his interest. I guess my question would be, should I let myself develop some kind of interest towards him? As a prize catch, I know that I should only respond and base judgment according to his actions, i.e. his asking me out on a date. But are there circumstances when we can be more lenient, like when dealing with a delicate work/colleagues/friends situation where a guy is just more comfortable taking his time? I want to be a prize catch, but I don’t want to be too severe. You know what I mean?
Girl,
Please don’t allow yourself to fall for the excuse he’s treating you extra special that no other girl is privileged to.
I have much more to tell you. Please sign up at Get In-Depth Advice Now for confidential Email Exchange.
Hope to assist you!
Please also read my post on “Why a Suitor Is Not A Friend or Therapist”.
The One,
I bumped into my ex suitor the other day, I felt like there were so many things unexplained between us, so when he asked me what I was doing on that day, I told him that I’m heading to town to grab a drink later on, and suggested that if he wants to he can come along. (He also doesn’t live in the same city that I do, so I was surprised to see him) He asked me which bar is it that I am going to, and I answered that I am not too sure yet, and he seemed to be really annoyed about it, so he replied to me that I am inviting him somewhere and I don’t even know where, and then he added that I should think of something better to do, so I said ”If you don’t want to come, then somebody else will, see you later” and I walked off. I have also noticed that he wasn’t really in the mood on that day but I don’t want to explain him here. Do you think that it was really untactful of me to do so? to ask him to meet me?
Amine,
No, not at all. That was a perfect response you gave to him. But it would have been even more perfect if you hadn’t invited him along for a drink.
If you hadn’t, you would not have experienced his moody behavior. Always be a Prize Catch 24 hours, 7 days a week. You never know whom you might bump into.
By inviting a man for a drink, you put yourself in a compromising position and are asking to be treated badly.
Lesson learned! But otherwise, you did great.
Hi One. A new guy asked me to hang out again . I replied sorry I already have plans with some friends to dinner and a play. He asked me what play etc… He must have took notes because he didn’t ask me to hang out again. This time he asked me out on a proper date a nice and fun evening out to dinner and comedy show. So ladies, perhaps if we start doing the things we love/like to do (without him) and share with him the fun we had maybe depending on the guy he may get the hint and step up to the fun. One, what do you think?
Itay,
Fabulous! Glad you stuck to your guns and turned down hanging out. See how it pays off, everyone?
Congrats and keep up the PRIZE-WORTHY behavior that so becomes you. Hope everyone reads this and learns from you!
So if a guy u thought could possibly be a good suitor says to you “we should hang out sometime” what do you say?
Alyssa,
You say, “Oh.” And don’t say anything else. He needs to take you out on a date.
The One,
I wish i had known then what I know now through this blog. But I think I still have some proof of interest. I did indicate to him at first that I am not ready to commit so maybe that’s why we are still ‘hanging out’ or you can perhaps call it dating, i think. but we both do so exclusively. we actually move like if we are already in a relationship. I just wanted to find out, since I didn’t see this blog before I met him, if it is that going forward with him, if I could ever become a prize catch to be chased in the long run and if I could ever experience the whole being asked out on date thing because I never experienced that, probably because in the past i did some of the chasing with men or settled for less than a date because I didn’t know better.
Also The One,
Is it wrong to approach first, where the man cannot? Consider the following:
Back before I met the current guy (same guy mentioned above), we were both on a dating site. Bear in mind, one could not post up a real name or any contact details on the dating site and we both did not have premium accounts to send or receive messages. I did not have up my real name on the site, but he did because he joined his 2 names and his surname is unusual, so the site didn’t recognise it as a real name. That is how I could have contacted him on FB. But potential suitors would have not been able to contact me except for an interest shown, which there was a button for and you could view all who were interested. I could not contact them neither could they contact me (no real name). The current guy had not come across me on the dating site, but i had come across him. I pursued and sent the request on FB. Does this disqualify us from the suitor and prize catch process because:
1. he did not see me (to show interest) or could not chase me (no real name). he had given up on the site before he met me but left up his profile. It is therefore possible that I could have joined the site after he had already given up. I had not been on the site long.
2. he initiated after i showed the interest by sending the FB request. He was surprised because he did not recognise me from the site.
3. When asked, he indicated he didn’t mind girls approaching him, once they were not too forward, but rather shy.
To me it was like smiling at him/ approaching him in a virtual meeting place. Is that wrong? He had a choice to turn away or pursue. To me, if I sat and waited I would have never met him and had the opportunity to be pursued because even if he saw me first and clicked the show interest button, I would still have had to sent the FB request. I know sending a friend request doesn’t really give the vibe of smiling and seems forward but when he saw the request, he checked out my FB profile and indicated in a private message that he liked it etc. and initiated after in many ways. I know asking to see him first was wrong now though. As I said before, I wish I had the blog before. I am in the middle (as I said 1 yr has passed) and trying to see what principles I can still apply- how I can still be chased. He does initiate ‘hanging out’ one on one on weekends, after work and lunch dates often. Anyway i’m writing too much. So thanks in advance for your thoughts and thanks so much for this blog and your helpful and frank replies.
Hope,
Yes, you’re going to want him to take you out for a romantic dinner. You’ll want him to escort you to an evening he’s planned just for the two of you.
The One,
I know you said that you cannot back pedle once you started off one way, but let me still ask: I noticed a guy I was interested in on a dating site and initiated by sending him a friend request on FB. He accepted and messaged me first. We chatted a day later for long hours and clicked. He then initiated the exchange of phone numbers and called me first. However, I initiated seeing him in person and he was excited. We met in person other days after that after work. But I initiated asking him to ‘hang out’ with me with a group of my friends for my university graduation after party at a restaurant 2 weeks after knowing each other. He accepted and came. Was that being masculine and leading? Anyway, due to me telling him up front that I am not ready to commit, we have been ‘hanging out’ for over a year now- at least I am not sure if we are dating but we are not in a relationship. We even traveled together once and make plans mutually to ‘hang out’ every week like if we are in a relationship.
My main question is: Is it too late to let him pursue me with dates? because it is like we are kind of friends and he refers to me as his special friend.
If it is not too late, how do I transition to getting him to pursue me with dates?
If it is too late, can I get him to pursue me in any way, or would it raise suspicion if I am suddenly unavailable sometimes?
Hope,
There has never been PROOF of interest, because you initiated contact with him on Facebook first.
I have more to say to you on all of this. Please sign up at Get In-Depth Advice Now for confidential Email Exchange.
Hope to assist you!
Good morning The One…. Just wanted to drop a few lines to thank you for your investment in our lives–no gimmicks; no marketing! I am a newly single mother who has been out of the dating scene for at least twenty-five years. The world seems to have changed so drastically, including but not limited to the way men and women communicate with/to each other. I find myself disconcerted in not understanding the dynamics; however, your advice is timeless! My biggest challenge is that everyone says I look and act much younger than I am and frankly, I feel young! I am not attracted to men my age or older; yet I don’t cope well with immaturity or much less, the games that younger men play. Anyway, I’m curious…are you married? Your wisdom speaks through as if you’re a middle-aged, [content] married man with children and grandchildren. Am I correct?! Stay blessed and whole!!!
Hi The One,
Your blog posts are such eye openers for me!! I think I’ve always showed too much excitement when guys expressed their interest in me. No wonder they never followed up after one or two dates… 😦
Obviously, I’m reading your posts because there is this one guy.
He is my lab partner in one of my science class at the university that I’m attending. He always tries to ask questions about my personal life, pays close attention and remembers little details about me. He goes out of his way to walk with me to where I’m going after class and asks about my schedule all the time. I’m slightly older than him because I came back to school to pursue a change in career. He’s going for a second degree as well and we have the same career objectives. I’m very serious about my academics and it really shows to my classmates as I’m always so prepared for the class and understand the materials we’re learning.
I was wondering, if he wants to study together at the library, would that be considered a “hang out” and should I say no? I’m wondering if he’s nice to me just to get help from me with the class, but at the same time I don’t want to scare him off if he’s interested in me. I’ve always been a strong believer in sharing what I know and helping out classmates as much as possible, so it feels wrong to refuse to study with him.
If I have any interest in this guy as a potential suitor, would you say I should refuse to study with him and try to avoid spending time with him outside of class unless he asks me out on a date?
Momo,
Glad this blog is opening your eyes!
If you had zero interest in him, you can study with him. But if you’re attracted to him and have expectations, you can’t study with him. Why? Because right now, he has not given you PROOF OF HIS INTEREST. A guy can be by your side all the time, talk to you, ask you questions, smile at you, and do everything BUT ask you out for a date. He can even flirt with you, casually mention going to places together, or joke about love. It doesn’t matter what he says, only what he DOES. And what is he doing right now?
He is doing everything another female classmate would be doing. Being friendly.
Now, he may be interested. He may be tossing and turning at night wondering how he should ask you out. He may be having wet dreams about you. But YOU DON’T KNOW. Because as a PRIZE, you only go by what IS, not what you HOPE is. You bank on REALITY, not FANTASY. And right now, the reality is that until you get PROOF of INTEREST, he is just another classmate.
Normally, you could study with such a classmate. But you’re interested in him. And that alone risks you emotionally and lowers your value in his eyes if you were to spend time with him in any way outside of a date.
Therefore, if you want to be a PRIZE and you want to be cherished, you need to tell him sweetly, “Oh, gosh, I wish I could! But unfortunately I need to study alone to concentrate (or I promised to help my friend Clara). Thanks for asking though!”
The more he gets to know you without having to step up and ask you out, the more he’s transferring the risk to you. You end up taking more risk (emotionally).
Therefore, think long and hard on how you want to set the PRECEDENT. He may or may not be interested. But teaching all men how to treat you is your best bet in separating the suitors from the time-wasters, minimizing anxiety, pain, and confusion — as well as ultimately landing the right relationship.
The One! Thank you so much for your detailed response !! It’s such a great confirmation on how I thought I should behave. I’m kinda like my golder retriever in a way that when people approach me with friendly attitude I wag my tail and show my enthusiasm. Hahaha. 🙂 So trying to be a PRIZE is something that’s not so natural for me but I have been trying very very hard and I’ll keep on trying until it becomes a natural part of me as a women worthy of being pursued.
I have been really good and declining studies or casually grabbing lunch together after classes in a very polite and sweet manner. I’ve also been trying to engage in friendly conversations with other classmates around me and help them out with a big smile and I’ve noticed this has made him somewhat quieter, but heck, if he wants my undivided attention, he better man up and ask me out on a proper date! 🙂 I’ll keep on being a smart, helpful and friendly partner but until he shows the proof that I’m more than a classmate to him, I’ll treat him like nothing more than a classmate as well.
Thank you again for your advice and if anything good comes out of this I’ll be sure to keep you posted!
You’re welcome! Glad you’re able to turn down studying together and such. Keep us posted, thanks!
Hi, The One thank you for doing these for us! Appreciate it a lot. All the details answers. you rock! What will you do of you were me? There is this guy that approaches me but he wants to be partner with me, in business. At first i am fine and just do it as i did with my other partner in business. But as i know him bits, i start to think, goodness this guy is a good candidate. So he owns a printing company that i always go to, not because of his. But it happens i always go there and my works catch his eyes. And he introduce himself and approach me first. So now, i start to think he could be a prospectful but am i too late? I don,t think he is interested in other than business. So he asked me if i want to partner with him, because he really likes my works. And asked me to contact his assistant. I forgot that i could give him my card too, seriously ( dooh!) Since i have a strong feeling his assistant (a guy too) doesnt like me. From his voice, his action. So i decided to email his assistant and ccing his boss. Well anyway, i think i should have not cc ing him .
Well anyway after the email which i explain if u want to work with me, you have to follow my rules in my company such as bla bla bla, which i think it,s valid, and this guy message me back right away on email let,s meet up, i personally really would love to meet with you. To that point the One i never thought about anything besides business and money. But after he asked me out about the business i started to think this guy can be a real prospect too. So i figure am i too late? What should i do. He asked my availability and i told him that i am available such and such ( weekday ) since it,s business and i am also really busy at these end of year, so my calendars are fully book. so i try to squeeze him during my weekday. I mean i cannot say i am available saturday night of course 😁
Should i turn it down? I don’t need more money to feel more secure financially. I am already are. Even if i dont get this, i am fine, only that it can make me richer haha. Maybe a lot more. So what will you suggest? The time is approching my availability day, i havent heard from him. He gave me his what’s up number contact but again i forgot to give him mine when i replied. And i haven’t add his. Should i? So now he know that i am available this thursday and he haven’t replied me back since last saturday, So i make another plan with my other client on thursday, purposefully of course. What will you suggest i do? Just working with his assistant and cut him off? so at least i get the money 😁. But the assistant doesnt like me. When i look at him, he has this attitude we could do it our own, why do we need to include this girl ( from the way he look at me). One day i smile to his assistant, he didnt smile back. what the heck. his assistant is a male. But after this i wonder what is my underlying intention now? Well, Maybe i should just keep using his service but turn down the business? But anyway in the past, my old self, i will be calling him by now and asked why havent you replied? now, no way. You know the One being independent financially makes me more secure. like i don’t act desperate as i used to. 🙂 if you want to partner with me, sure. You don’t want to partner with me, fine. I don’t need your money to add happiness in my life. I dont need to beg for people especially guys to make me feel more secure financially. I don’t own a house yet or apartment but i feel enough with what i have. Or course i still pursue them, but i want to learn to be content. But, i wonder if a guy think i am snobish if i act like this? Thank you. 🙂 your blogs is really fun to read and i learn a lot.
Dina,
Glad you’re still reading!
While you are interested in him because he seems like a potential candidate for a boyfriend, he has not made any indication of feeling the same way.
If he were interested in you, he would ask you out for a date, not for a business appointment. And if he were interested in both, he would ask you to meet him for dinner and discuss business at dinner, or he would ask you out after the business appointment.
It doesn’t seem like to me that he is thinking of you in a romantic way. It seems like pure business for him. And since you don’t need his business, you need to turn him down. After you turn down his business proposal, see if he asks you out for a date.
If he doesn’t, you know you risked nothing. You did not get rejected by him. He just didn’t step up.
Remember when a guy comes along who checks off everything on your boyfriend list, it means only one thing: YOU feel that way about him. He doesn’t feel that way about you necessarily.
When this guy asks you out, then that shows HE is feeling the same way. Until that happens, you don’t have a man’s proof of interest. Right now you know all of this without having to risk getting hurt or rejected. So you are in a good position, so far, so just tell him, cc’ing his assistant,
“Thanks for your interest in working with me. I am not in the position of doing anything for you right now, but I will keep you in mind should an opportunity arise in the future.”
Then sit back and see what he does. He will need to step up and ask you out for you to continue thinking about him at all from now on. It seems like you are using the excuse of business as a reason to stay connected with him, when you have no use for it.
Dating doesn’t work this way.
Dear The One,
I love your blog!!!
I have a baaad history of ‘competing’ with men (after reading your blog I realized that’s what I’ve been doing). I used to play in a band, always had male friends (like, really, non-romantic, at all), and I guess I kind of carried that attitude all the way to dating (BAD! 😦 )
So after a few heartaches, I decided to change my approach, and I found your blog at the perfect time.
I have a few questions:
1. There’s this boy who likes me, he asked for my number and then asked me out (yes, “hanging out” 😦 ) to give me a CD with files relating to a band we both like. He lives in a totally other city (I met him through my best friend’s boyfriend, we travelled to that city for a gig) and he travelled 2 hours to see me, and we sat at the park and talked all night (he’s pretty intelligent and interesting) but he didn’t buy me anything, no dinner no nothing O.o… well it wasn’t a date anyway… I went home thinking I made a mistake in accepting, but then again I don’t think he has any other means to see me. He doesn’t have a job, but he used to work (I think the reason for his unemployment is personal, something about his mom I think, but I’m not sure yet). He wants to see me again this Friday (and Saturday, and Sunday, which I turned down). But again it’s no date. What can I do? He doesn’t have any money to pay for a date, but at the same time he is travelling far to see me and the travel does cost a bit. We haven’t talked much between meetings, except when he wanted to see me again, and I don’t initiate the first contact. I like him. We’ve had good conversations and I think I really am interested. So I don’t know, I think the issue is money. But then he should do something about it, if he really thinks I’m worth it, right? Should I just drop him, while it’s early, while I don’t feel anything deep? He seems like such a nice guy though…
I have totally convinced myself I will not pay or go dutch. But I got hungry at that first “hang-out”. I actually considered eating when he leaves. Grrrr.
2. Unrelated — When is the right time to kiss? In my experience, the whole “kiss her while she’s yapping” only happens in movies. Generally the guy gives hints and then it’s up to the girl. So I’m glad to have control over this. Certainly not the first date, and in my case with this boy, I really don’t feel the urge yet. What do you think?
Thank you so much, and I read your blog all the time so I can get the message imbedded in my tomboy head. I’m hoping I can soon master the art of being a Prize Catch. ^^
Sybil, welcome aboard! Glad you want to change your approach.
My assessment:
1. You straight away called him a “boy”… is that what you think of him? Perhaps he is young, but being young does not excuse him from being able to step up and become a suitor. Don’t make excuses for him or any male.
2. He either asked you out or he asked you to HANG OUT. Which one was it? It is vital this is clear to you because you need to know where you stand, in order to know how to respond. The former means he is a suitor, the latter means he is not.
3. You did the right thing by turning down seeing him on Saturday and Sunday.
4. However, you ended up at the park talking all night long. This is a problem. You thought it yourself afterwards. The problem stems first from not knowing if this was a DATE or hanging out. Now, if it was a date, it should have only been two hours long. Being a Prize is about spoon feeding yourself to a guy little by little so he’ll want more, not overfeeding him so he’ll overdose and disappear after a few dates. By giving him hours and hours on the first get-together, you immediately devalued yourself.
For a lot more info, Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.
Hope to assist you!
Dear The One,
I can’t believe I didn’t see those things right away! Thank you so much for your response! I think I’m beginning to understand what being a prize is all about, and actually put it into practice. As Ms Kira said, it certainly lessens the amount of men showing enough interest, but who wants a hundred half-interested men anyway? In the end you’ll only pick a single sincere one anyway. I think it all goes down to that old saying: Never settle for less than what you deserve. 🙂
Sybil,
You’re right. All you need is ONE guy and hundreds of half-interested ones ultimately just waste a lot of time and even years. Glad you are so wise.
The One,
Ready for this.. He approached me and asked to speak with me. I wasn’t sure what he would say, but I agreed. He apologized for harassing me about coming over to his house every week, and then told me his divorce is not final. He knew when we met he wanted to date me but did not do so because he was still married. His parties and dinners was his way of keeping me close without anyone knowing his feelings for me. The other girls was just a distraction and they were willing to hang out with him no strings attached. But, I was harder to get to, so it ended with him asking if he can take me out on a date after he is divorced. I replied only after his divorce is final and in the mean time do not contact me. It’s just like you wrote “Reasons Why a Man doesn’t Pursue” MARRIED. Thanks for the insight!
BINGO!
Every man has a good reason behind why he doesn’t ask a woman out — now you know why! Glad you stuck to your guns with discipline and self-esteem!
The One, I lost it with him. He has been asking me to his house for dinner/parties on a regular basis. I do not want to hang out or be one of many women he parades through his home. So, I decline his invitations, with a sweet smile and friendly manner. But, he never gets it and never steps up to ask me out on a proper date. He asked me yet again to come over. So, I said, as sweetly as possible (didn’t want him to think I said it out of anger) “Oh is it my turn to come to dinner at your house again? You been through all the other girls already? My, my you are quick, sorry I can’t take my turn, but I’m sure you will find a replacement. Don’t wait up”. I promptly walked away, If he finally leave me alone so be it! I know it wasn’t very nice of me. I just got tired of smiling sweetly and saying no, because I am busy and I don’t have time to entertain or keep him company. Just so you know our beliefs is no sex before marriage, so there is always one or more chaperones even at his house, so it’s not about sex. However, I know I could have handled it better.
Itay,
Don’t beat yourself up. You handled it as well as you could at that moment.
He just simply isn’t getting a clue. He must enjoy you playing hard to get, though like you said, not enough to step up.
You can always tell him point blank, “Please do not invite me to your parties ever. I am not interested.” And walk away. This way it is straightforward and not sounding sarcastic or jealous. You’re a Prize….you are happy to be you and jealous of no one!
Haha the One! You made my day. Thank you SO much for your advice you are ABSOLUTE GENIUS!!! Your comment made me so happy!! I feel like an idiot. You’re right he was never interested, just so deceiving. I am definitely not masochist and value myself, so I will work hard to forgive myself and move on. The only thing however, is that when he returned my book bag he left part of his bike lock in there. I think as he was riding to my house he put it in there to carry it along the trip but forgot to take it back with him. I was thinking about waiting until he asks if I have seen his bike lock or if I should just tell him that I have it and will leave it on the porch table (but until I leave for Mexico) so he can pick it up and I never have to see him again. What do you think? And if you think I should tell him that I have it in case he was looking for it, how can I say it briefly and without showing emotion?
THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!! I respect you so much.
Well, Miss Dani, you are moving on, so you are going to hand the bike lock to your roommate and tell him or her to give it to this Spaniard when he comes over.
That’s it.
You don’t have anything more to say or do regarding this guy. You’re busy, you have plans, and your future is bright as can be. You don’t waste time with time-wasters!
(You are very welcome, and thanks for the compliments!)
(Sorry having to do two separate posts, think it’s too long!) Am I being a challenge so far?! Hope so!I guess your comment about sex confuses me a little. I made him wait almost a month before we slept together, and he didn’t even try anything the first few dates. It has brought us a lot closer I admit. But do you think that he will go off me if we are still dating and sleeping together? I feel like now i’ve slept with him it would be weird to back off and refuse his initiations? How do you think it ruins the dating process? One of my best friends slept with her boyfriend about a month in when they were just dating and they got closer and closer and are now pretty much engaged!
I go to Ibiza with my girlfriends at the end of August, and I wonder if he starts to think whether I will meet another guy in Ibiza, or whether he will ask if we are exclusive or not….!
Sleeping together before you are exclusive simply lowers your value since it didn’t require him more time and effort to earn your company. Also, by waiting, you protect yourself from hurt if it doesn’t work out, as in a woman who hadn’t had sex with her suitor is less emotionally distraught than one who has.
For a lot more info, I urge you to Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.
Hope to assist you!
Is there any reason why it keeps saying “server hangup” when I try to post a comment?
Thank you for your reply, really helpful. I have already read “How to become his girlfriend”, really good information. I will see where he takes things – I think he’s a relationship kinda guy and he has already told me at the start that he is looking for something, and that he’s not a “one night stand” kind of guy. I will just let him pursue me. I tried to be a “challenge” yesterday – I had told him that i’d let him know when i’m free. I didn’t text him the whole day, and I know he was worrying about this because i’d met his parents the previous day and I reckon he was a little unsure why I hadn’t got in touch. He didn’t contact me either btw, so in the end I HAD to text him but just asked how his day had been – no mention of whether I could meet up. He then asked if I was free today, and I said no but that I could make wednesday. He said thats fine and that I can choose whichever day, so I chose wednesday.
Sorry, I don’t know why you get “server hangup” and I don’t know what it means….
For a lot more info, Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.
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But he’s very keen to see me all the time. I want him to carry on being keen. How can I do this??
I want him to keep wanting to “win” me – to keep inviting me on dates, to want to see me and to keep making an effort.
He says he is free all the time and always makes room to see me, he came when I invited him to come out with me and my girlfriends and he was the only guy – and he basically stuck at my side the whole night, and he even invited me to his parents house last night for sunday roast! I was quite surprised, but said yes and it was a nice evening – I’ve never had a proper long term relationship before so I’m struggling to “let him chase me” and keep chasing me – I want to be the prize, for him to think I am busy and exciting and he needs to earn my time, so I don’t know how to reply to his invitation to stay at his this week??
At the moment I have said that I am really busy this week and am seeing my girlfriends one evening, but that I can maybe see him on Tuesday and will let him know. Should I let him know or wait until he asks me again??
Thanks!
It looks like he is making room in his life for you and pursuing you. For a lot more info, Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.
Hope to assist you!
Hi,
I have just started dating a guy – I initially added him on Facebook after I met him on a night out with my friends and we started texting, a month later he eventually asked if I wanted to go on a date, and we’ve now been on about 8 dates – to the theatre (he paid, I pad £20 for the meal), then most recently to the zoo where I actually paid for us both – which was quite expensive…he didn’t offer to pay but I had said that i’d treat him to the zoo after he paid for the theatre, but I was hoping he would say no!
He’s a lovely guy, really seems keen on me – more than me to him at the moment. He asks to see me, I have never asked to see him or when am I going to see him next etc. Am I therefore playing it cool? I do accept his dates – and invitations to stay at his – which has happened twice now, he wants to see me this week before I go on holiday on Friday so he said can I come over on Tuesday and stay the night then i’d go to work the next morning from his. I am really busy this week, and I do want to see him, but is this merely “hanging out” at his? Should I reject his invitation and say i’m too busy? I’m worried that if I don’t make any effort to see him this week, I’d go on holiday and wouldnt see him for two weeks and he would think I was a bitch/not interested anymore!
I keep getting mixed feelings – I enjoy spending time with him, but I dont feel that “passion” or butterflies (like in the movies, I know!) that I obviously feel is super important. We haven’t had an argument or disagreement yet, it seems we get on well and enjoy each other’s company – and have some chemistry, but is this enough? I’m the type of girl who takes ages to fall for a guy and they have to keep me keen by keeping things a little uncertain – he hasn’t said anything major yet nor have we even discussed committment or anything which is fine with me!
Since you are telling me you don’t get butterflies in your stomach and that you are fine he hasn’t tried moving the relationship up to the next level, then it should be easy for you to let him do all the pursuing.
It sounds like to me that you like the attention and the companionship, but you’re just not crazy about him.
I have lots more to tell you. For a lot more info, Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.
Hope to assist you.
Dear The One,
Thank you for all of your recommendations I absolutely agree with everything you say, and you are so funny!! I love all of your comments. I want to ask you advice on a guy that I like, but things did not turn out so well…I’ll try to keep this short.
He is from Spain and is in the US working at a company for a one year internship. I live with about 8 roommates (boys and girls) and every Tuesday night we have potlucks at our house. One of my roommate works with him and invited him one night (she already has a boyfriend) along with other co-workers. This was the first time I met him. We talked and I felt like we had made a great connection but neither of us exchanged contact information. The next time I saw him was 2 weeks later because my same roommate had friends over one night to play games and he was there. When he saw me he asked me if I wanted to play with them so I said yes. All of us stayed up all night playing games and dancing and he and I ended up kissing but nothing more. Then the next day we walked around the city and grabbed lunch and then he left in the later afternoon. He asked me to send him one of the pictures I took of myself in my phone. So I let him send it to himself but when he did, it was the wrong number because 2 of the digits were switched. I knew this because I am familiar with our local area codes and knew he had never gotten the picture so he never had my number in his phone. I waited a couple of days and then sent him a message to the right number and he asked me to come over his house. Maybe I should not have done that, but we had such a great time together and we hung out later that week and then the entire weekend. He always smiled and we always talked and laughed and we both spoke spanish to each other. I think my mistake was that maybe he knew I was really interested in him. Also, I never wanted to sleep with him and I think this also made him uninterested for the wrong reasons. He also said he felt that maybe I am too young for him. He is 28 and I am 22. But I am mature, although still playful. But you’re right, he did not do much of the pursuing and I would be the one to ask him to hangout even though he always said yes. One day I asked him if he was interested in going to the science museum with me and although he yes, he also said that he preferred if we were just friends from now on. This really hurt me and I told him that of course I only wanted his friendship. The other issue was that he had a book bag I let him borrow and I had his glasses. Although we dropped the communication for a week and I postponed the science museum plans because I told him my friend had surprised me that weekend for her birthday, I knew we still had to see each other in order to exchange these items. Even though I wanted so badly for him to come get his glasses and give me my book bag while I was not in the house.
Anyway, a couple of days ago he came. Although I was sad and thinking about what went wrong, I am a strong girl and always so happy. It took no time for me to finally get over him and the good times we had. I also meditate a lot and this really helped me to control my emotions. Anyway when he came, I was happy and never put on a sad face for him. I was actually dancing to music and getting ready to go over a girl friend’s house so I told him I had to leave soon. He was also happy to see me and I think because he realized I was a little unpredictable and did not know who I truly was (as he probably thought he had me figured out) I think this attracted him.
Later that night he asked if I wanted to go salsa dancing with him. I told him I would love to but that I could not because I was going out with my friends that night and he and I could do something fun another time. He did not respond (he has a bit of an ego) and I was thinking about never talking to him again. What do you suggest? I really really like him and I am going on vacation in 2 weeks, he knows this and I was thinking about sending him a message when I get back. I am a very forgiving person and I actually do want to see him again, even if only as friends. I wouldn’t mind going out for a run with him or doing another fun activity. What do you advise? Should I never talk to him again? Should I just let this all go and get over it?
You’re the best.
Dani,
Glad you are reading this blog! It is good you are learning all this now, so one day you can implement Prize Catch behavior and get the man of your dreams.
What you did right: You didn’t drop plans with your friends to go salsa dancing last minute with him. Bravo!
Does he have an ego? Well, it may come across that way, but he might just be trying to enjoy his time in America with a girl companion, you, with no strings attached. But here you are, wanting more, falling madly in love with a guy who is out for a good time and nothing else.
For a lot more info, Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.
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Thanks The One for your thoughtful and helpful response. You are doing all of us women a great favor:)
Kira, I’m happy to do so. Thanks for sharing your story.
Hi The One
It is unfortunate that asking out for dates has been replaced by ‘hanging out’. I love your blog and like you said, I never accept ‘hanging out’ dates with guys who I want to be pursued by. I only ‘hang out’ with guys who are my friends and who I would never date (they already have girlfriends or there is no attraction). Even then I rarely accept hanging out at the last moment (like an hour before an event) even in the spirit of spontaneity because people need to learn that my time is valuable regardless of their status as romantic interests. They need to ask me at least 1 day in advance and for a guy to date me it has to be a week or 4-5 days.
That said, this has reduced the number of guys who ask me out at all. I am in dating desert where I don’t get asked out at all. Not only me but most women I know rarely get asked out. They just hang out with some guy, start dating and form relationships. I feel doomed that I will miss out on a relationship entirely. Personally, I hate ‘hanging out’ with guys especially when it is not a one on one date because I can’t really get to know the guy. It is too casual and not romantic enough. It gives the guy a chance to test me out without ever really investing in me or getting to know me more deeply. But I don’t know then how to ensure that I get a real suitor. I am not a beauty but reasonably attractive, well educated, a bit reserved but very active in pursuing my hobbies such as tango, traveling , reading etc. I have a pretty fun and satisfying life. There aren’t a lot of guys I can meet on a regular basis. Even if I do meet guys I hardly ever get asked out on a proper date. It seems the culture has changed and guys have truly slacked off. I tried online dating where I did get asked out but which I hated. The quality of guys was not up to my standards at all. Please tell me how to be a attractive/Prize Catch so that guys do ask me out on a proper date. I am afraid that if I refuse asking out, most guys will assume that I am not interested in dating at all or there is something wrong with me.
Thanks
Kira
Kira,
You are doing the right thing by hanging out with just platonic friends and not with men you’re attracted to. This distinction is crucial to know in order to save you from wasting time and bringing on unnecessary heartache.
If a proper date is a slice of cake, hanging out is the crumb on the plate. You know your worth when you decline crumbs.
For a lot more detailed information specific to your situation, I urge you to Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.
Hope to assist you one day!
Thanks The One. I fully agree with you about feeling worthy and being a prize catch and maintaining my self respect. I have only ever gone out with men who have ‘courted’ me and I am proud to say this that even when things haven’t worked out, I have never been treated badly by anybody, have virtually no baggage from dating (because I only tolerate good behavior, nothing less) and have always maintained my dignity.
I have one more question. I have read on several other websites on attracting men that women, even when they do not pursue men, often initiate/encourage the interaction by smiling, making eye contact-looking away and looking back again, or just making small talk in a friendly way or giving flirtatious signals. Does this count as pursuing or it is necessary to let men know it is ok to approach indirectly?
The reason I ask is that even when I am surrounded by men, and believe I am a Prize Catch, they will not approach me. I tend to be a bit quiet/reserved (not due to shyness per se) and sometimes get lost in though or look too serious. I have been told I am unapproachable or intimidating-which is another way of saying that I am not attractive to men on a personality level even if I look good on the outside. What do you think I should do? You wrote that all women need to do is accept a date but how will that happen if the guys don’t even bother approaching? How would they even get to know me, especially since I already don’t have the looks to draw them in initially.
My fear about being a challenge is that I might attract men who are ONLY into a challenge-i.e. players. Men who enjoy the chase, and are all about the conquest. Once they have the prize so to speak, they would lose interest, right? Even if I continue to be elusive, once I get married, a man would still consider me to be “conquered” and would slack off and his real colors would show. On the other hand, some may misunderstand my elusiveness for lack of interest or game playing and give up. How do I avoid these traps?
You mentioned that men go by chemistry–how does one create this kind of chemistry? I don’t believe basic social skills are enough. I have those, and that only results in friendships where I may be liked/admired but never pursued romantically. I have seen very ordinary looking women getting a lot of attention from men and getting pursued. It seems to me that they seem very approachable and easy to talk to and men gravitate towards that. If this is backed up with a great personality then they get hooked.
Love your blog:)
Kira
Kira,
It is true that some men just want the conquest and not the prize, and that is why it is important you give suitors quality time together plus elusiveness so it is a balance, and this continues even in marriage.
These days, with women throwing themselves at men, men have the option of being more passive and not do much chasing, if at all. Decades ago, this was not the case. An unapproachable woman would be one of the most sought after (because she has a lot to offer and can’t be had by just anybody). Today, she is the least.
For a lot more detailed information specific to your situation, I urge you to Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.
Hope to assist you!
This is good advice. My ex boyfriend who I was madly inlove with and chased beyond my duty refuses to talk to me and we broke up after 6 months,we were best friends for 3 years prior to dating. I really love this guy and tried so hard to make things work which probably made me take on the males role. I did not have sex with him, we only kissed, so do you think there would be a chance he might want to pursue me if I play my cards right? As he says we are still “friends”. He is the most amazing guy I have met and we are both 21, I see him at university every day, it hurts so bad. He just smiles and says hello to me. What do I do?
Emma,
The only thing you can do at this point is to move on. I mean, REALLY move on. Create a brand new chapter in your life. Fill it with other people and activities so he no longer occupies your mental and emotional space. In time, you will be less and less attached.
Do this because you are torturing yourself by wondering and hoping. LET GO OF THE FANTASY that you and he belong together. You are playing this sad love story over and over in your head, beating yourself up.
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Hope to assist you.
Hi, thanks for the helpful blog. Just curious, what are some ways you can refuse when a guy is asking you to just “hang out” but still make you seem interested enough? How can you reply that will make him ask you out on a proper date, but without making it obvious that you want him to properly ask you on a date?
Just say sweetly, “No, sorry, I’ve already made plans.”
There is no way of making a guy ask you out on a proper date, and there is no way of showing interest in him when you turn him down for a hangout — if you want to remain a challenge.
For a lot more info, I urge you to Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.
Hope to assist you!
Good advice The One! I’m just wondering…since guys are so clueless these days, a guy may not even *know* how to be a proper suitor or he could get discouraged not because he has low self-esteem but because he perceives the rejection of “hanging out” as a rejection of him simply because he doesn’t know that he absolutely needs to ask a woman on a date properly and that’s the only way she will spend time with him and “hanging out” doesn’t cut it for her. How does one deal with this? There will be very suitors then, and many potential good suitors would be lost. Is there any way to tackle this problem without settling for “hanging out”?
I agree with guys being clueless about asking out on dates and cultural differences too- like where a guy would ask to hang out or ‘lime’ in my country when indeed he may be interested and want to spend time and get to know the person.
The One,
This brings me to a question:
What is a date?
The guy I’m ‘dating’ or ‘hanging out’ with said he believed that dating encapsulates both gathering data on someone you are interested in as well as having fun or ‘hanging out’ with them and doesn’t believe it is strict to a particular time or place e.g. saturday nights. So I’m asking what’s your definition of 1. dating and 2. hanging out and could u do both in a chase?
Hope,
A date is an appointment made by a man in advance to meet with you so he can get to know you and you get to know him, doing something you both can enjoy, planned by him, the suitor.
If a guy believes hanging out is a date, then he isn’t valuing you to begin with and it is up to you if this is acceptable.
A guy may not know how to ask for a date and may ask to hang out but it’s really a date he wants or he is interested
Men born after the 1990s are so used to women throwing themselves at them so why should they do more if hanging out does the trick?
Men born in the 1980s or earlier understand they must ask a woman out in order to get to know her.
In fact, men born in the 1970s and earlier don’t even bother to chat with a woman they are keen on. They ask her out on the spot. They waste no time. If the woman turns him down, it saves him time and he moves on.
So if a guy born after the 1990s asks you to hang out, you just say (if you are interested in him), “Sorry, I’ve got plans already. Plus, I don’t hang out and prefer being taken out on dates.”
Say it sweetly, and if he doesn’t step up, just move on. Don’t hang around waiting for him to ask you out. You’ll just end up chatting with him some more and he will think you’re a fake.
If you are not interested in him, just say you’re busy.
Thank you for your reply. Thank you for your time. I really appreciate it. Yes. It’s true. Things become clearer and clearer now that I keep the distance from him. I’m yet to find the strength to get closure. It’s hard for me to do that. But, I’m strong enough to stay on no-contact rule (NRC) for as long as I can.
Why I’m doing the NRC? I’m not trying to play hard to get but it is just to make him realize that he made the wrong decision. And also because I want him to suffer with the decision that he’s made.
He has to live with his decision. That would make me at least satisfy after what had happened.
That would me gain my self respect again. It may sound cruel but please remember what he did to me is plain heartless.
Btw, he made the decision just to respect his family (yeah.. whatever…). He refuses to fight for me, sacrifice for me. So, just be it. Let him marry for the wrong reasons if that is what he wants. Gosh, deep down I just wish that don’t have to happen but who am I to stop it?
Maybe I’m doing the wrong thing (stay on NRC and didn’t get closure). But, who needs a closure when keeping things silence is psychologically wayyy better and satisfying (again I know it’s cruel but it’s good for me. Yes I’m thinking about myself now. Long before this happened, all I care about is himself – * I surrendered some of my dignity. I gave him love, money, fun, time, etc. But that wasn’t enough, he had to have my dignity.).
We have had communications more than enough. We don’t need anymore communications (even for the closure, he should know himself). I occupy my time, join a dance class and many other things. I try to improve everyday. I love this saying:
“Don’t waste words on people who deserve your silence. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is nothing at all.” – Mandy Hale.
I love this one too (although in my case, there’s no chance anymore) from a website (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/41536-no-contact-rule-does-work-ex-has-called):
The honesty is in the actions of the dumpee. They’re honest enough to say “I love this person and I’m going to struggle to not contact them. I’ll be going through my private hell knowing what they’re up to and still not contact them. I’ll give them the freedom they want.”
I’m sorry if I sound so stubborn (didn’t get closure). Just hope that at least with my explanation above, people would understand why I didn’t get closure.
*the line is taken from the above website. It’s exactly the same with what I’m trying to tell you.
Nina,
The No Contact Rule is good to do so you aren’t exposing yourself to him unnecessarily.
For a lot more detailed information specific to your situation, I urge you to Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.
Thank you again for your reply. I take your advice. That chapter of my life is over. I can live on my own and with the people who is worth it.
Just thought of sharing my story. My ex-boyfriend who is marrying someone else (I know he’s not my boyfriend in that case) soon still asked me out to dinner (hanging out), begging me to ‘hang out’ with him and I didn’t reply the text. Actually I have not replied any of his texts since he told me that’s he is getting married (it was like a month ago). He’s texts contain things like sweet memories while we were together and I keep all my strength not to reply all those texts. He still texting me although I never had anymore communications with him. I loved him but I know it’s not worth it for me to try to save the relationship since he himself made such a decision. Your blog says a lot about men and I agree with you. I’m trying hard to move on day by day.
Nina,
Thank you for sharing. Good for you that you found the strength to ignore his texts. He is getting married and has no business trying to revive memories for you when he should know how painful it is.
When a woman ignores a man’s random texts and he is a potential suitor, it is to teach him to value her, to step up to the plate and ask her out.
I can show you how to give him notice and announce what YOU want. Please sign up at Get In-Depth Advice Now for confidential Email Exchange.
Hope to assist you.