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But What If He’s…

SHY?

How do you know he’s shy? Maybe he’s not interested.

And if he IS shy, he will be even more passive, withdrawn, and timid if you become the pursuer.

If that’s what you want in a man, by all means go for it.

WHAT IF HE’S SCARED?

It doesn’t matter. Is he a SUITOR?

All you need to care about is if he is making plans to spend time with you.

You don’t need to analyze anything else.

Maybe he is too young or too immature for a serious relationship.

Maybe he was traumatized by his last marriage.

Maybe he doesn’t want to end up like his Dad.

If he’s a full-grown adult male and too scared to pursue you, then he has issues that need to be resolved on his own.

He doesn’t need you to be his therapist. He needs you to be a CHALLENGE.

WHAT IF HE’S NOT READY?

If you’re chasing him, he will NEVER be ready.

Men are only ready when they chase you.

If he’s not ready to date you or ask you to be his exclusive girlfriend, why are you even thinking about him?

Don’t make excuses.

WHAT IF IT’S LONG DISTANCE?

Is he nailing you down for dates and seeing you?

Please don’t mistaken chatting on Skype for dates.

Because getting to know someone requires seeing each other in-person on a regular basis.

Eventually, he will have to do something to close the distance or you will get tired of it going nowhere.

Remember, you are not waiting around for him. You are busy making yourself happy.

If you’ve had enough, let him know nicely it’s not working because of the distance.

Remember, you want to find a long-term relationship. Maybe with him, maybe not.

But how will you know that he is the right man for you if you hardly see him?

He could have a girlfriend or wife. He could be gay. He could be hiding something. Who knows.

Don’t fall in love with an “idea” or “fantasy” of him. You’re not a 5-year-old.

WHAT IF, WHAT IF, WHAT IF

What if he’s unemployed? What if he is in major debt? What if he just got arrested?

Here’s an idea: YOU DON’T HAVE TO DATE HIM.

Let him figure out his own problems. That’s his JOB as a MAN.

But the question you should ask is, “Is he a SUITOR?”

If he is not a suitor to begin with, he won’t become one just because you feel sorry for him.

He doesn’t need you to rescue him. He needs you to be a CHALLENGE.

Get the secret weapon in dating and relationships when you Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

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62 Comments
  1. Confused Soul permalink

    Dear One Truth

    I’ve been feeling like love is just not possible. Here is why:

    1) I’m a reserved person – my past experiences immediately put me on guard and it takes me a while to actually get attached. It’s annoying but it’s just how it is and I’m afraid it’s putting guys off. For the same reason clubbing has NEVER been my scene – surrounded by strangers wanting to know you? No no, I prefer a more private setting where I can actually get to know them as a person. Otherwise I feel like I’m wasting my time.

    2) All the guys are just not attractive – I’m not trying to be snobby, I myself am not a goddess-level beauty, but I just don’t find them attractive…I still want to date and be able to have a boyfriend I can rely on/talk to/etc, but who?

    3) I notice guys looking but they hardly ever actually approaches me. Is it because there’s something wrong with me?? Will a guy always approach you first if they’re attracted enough?

    Thanks in advance, I made another comment asking for some serious advice as well :C

    • Meera permalink

      I have the exact same problems! You’re not alone…though I wish I could help you-I’m still single myself!

      • Confused Soul permalink

        Oh Meera 😦 glad to hear that I’m not the only one in the boat…will anything even happen for us? I’ve never really cared about getting a boyfriend but something happened recently that’s made me actually want one. These days everything just seems so plastic, so mundane with all the social media jazz and increasing obsession over following the trend and it makes me feel so alone sometimes. I hope there are guys out there who understand this and I hope I get to meet them some day…

        • Confused Soul,

          Just to let you know, one of my replies to you was revised so the one sent to your email will be the unrevised one. Please read the one published on the blog. Thanks for seeking answers.

        • Meera permalink

          OMG, I’m exactly the same way! I’m 34, at least you still have a lot of time. I’ve managed to create a very good life for myself alone. So all I can say is that it is worth making your life SO full and complete that having or not having a guy doesn’t make much of a difference. It’s nice to have one, but even otherwise-it’s pretty great!

          You know what’s the worst thing in life? It’s not being single. Being with the wrong guy in a bad relationship.

          • Confused Soul permalink

            Haha, that’s so true! Thank you Meera! You’re still pretty young yourself (hell, my grandfather started dating last year) so I’m sure the universe will let someone amazing enter your life some day, perhaps soon even 🙂

            Yeah I mean dating was never my priority, it’s just that my recent experience has kind of made me want it I guess. I’m sure once I’ve recovered I’ll feel better about this.

            Thank you guys again, it’s really reassuring to think that I’m not the only one struggling through it. I really appreciate the amount of wisdom and support you’ve shown me – it helps me recover from this faster, so thank you! ❤

    • Confused Soul,

      You just have to embrace who you are and accept that you are different and that is perfectly okay. You have to be comfortable with who you are and if you’re not, you won’t seem authentic to others and that would work against you anyway. So start with loving and accepting yourself unconditionally.

      You’ll need to meet guys who are similar to you, who are reserved and dislike clubbing. So join activities such guys would participate in. Increase the odds for yourself!

      Yes, some women get approached by all kinds of men, but not every guy is going to approach any woman. Even the most popular attractive girl is not going to get all the guys. So if you’re not getting approached, it could be that you’re not their type and you need to encounter guys who do think you’re their type. That is why I encourage you to add activities in your life that interest you where there are lots of guys involved. Change your routine when the old one isn’t working.

      The EGuide How to Show Your Interest in a Man will give you more ideas and principles that I think will be helpful in terms of learning how to conduct yourself. The other EGuides will prepare you for dates and landing a boyfriend.

      Also, there’s a season for everything. Everyone goes through the different stages in life at a different pace. Some girls get pregnant in high school and become grandmothers at age 40. Other women don’t get a boyfriend until well into their careers. Some popular girls in school get tons of boyfriends but then end up divorced a few times down the road.

      Just like how you’re different and you choose a different set of courses and career path, your dating life will look different as well. Expecting yourself to be doing the same things other girls at your university are doing is pressure on yourself. I know it’s hard not to succumb to it, but try not to allow what others are doing bring you down and make you feel less than.

      What you don’t see is the future. These same girls who are clubbing and hooking up with guys may end up in bad shape later. Nothing ever looks as glitzy and wonderful as it is portrayed!

      Let your pace be yours.

      • Confused Soul permalink

        Thank you very much for your wise words. At the moment I’m so busy with my studies to join any more activities in university, and since I like good grades I would like to refrain from them for now – sigh.

        I’ve always believed that I should put myself (and my future) first before anything like clubbing. and getting guys. I have many friends who are so busy going out that they get bad grades or even drop out. I never understood that, and when they low-key brag about getting 10 contacts per night I don’t get jealous. I thought I was strong in my belief…until the recent experience I had (which I already told you about) and I guess it’s made me become more interested in these aspects.

        I don’t think it’s that I’m not their type, I notice them staring (the attraction is obvious) but I guess I’m not receptive enough (I don’t smile at them etc) as I’m usually distracted by my studies. Would guys still approach less receptive women if they want her enough? So should I just…keep on waiting until someone does?

        • Confused Soul,

          Receptivity is making them feel comfortable. If you act standoffish or cold, obviously they’d be more reluctant to initiate. Nonchalant, breezy, and friendly is the way to go.

      • Confused Soul permalink

        Also forgive me if I’m out of place, but I’m curious – the advice I’m getting from you (and the advice you give other people) gives off the vibe that you’re an old woman who’s “been there, done that”. I read the disclaimer but I’m super curious. It’s OK if you ignore this though.

        • Confused Soul,

          Well, old women can be very wise! And guess what, experience is our greatest teacher. Use the advice and see if it works!

          • Confused Soul permalink

            I will, and I appreciated every piece of advice, more than you probably realise!

            I will try and be more receptive from now on, it’s just that sometimes it’s hard to remind myself to do that because I get distracted with what I’m studying (it’s also exam time D: ). I can’t talk to my parents about issues like this because I’m not very close to them and feel uncomfortable (especially with experiences like what happened recently – despite feeling crap I couldn’t tell them or ask for advice) so I was feeling very frustrated until I came upon your blog. I’m really glad I did.

            Thank you again, One Truth. I wish I knew you in real life – I’m sure you would make a really great friend. I look forward to reading more of your blogs in the future 🙂 ❤

            • Confused Soul,

              Thanks for the kind words. And I think you can be a really great friend to yourself and to others too!

  2. The one,

    I need some advice, I have recently moved interstate, & 2 days/nights prior to me moving were spent with a male friend of 5 years (We had never been together before because I came out of a 4 year relationship about 6 months ago, he also had a girlfriend during this time). He told me during the time we were together that he has no interest in girls at the moment unless something about them really draws him in & they connect, he also told me what he loves about me is that I’m extremely independent and can hold my own, & he can talk to me about anything. The 2 nights I spent with him were amazing & I have developed feelings for him. He is coming to visit me this weekend (it’s a 12hr drive) and says he wants to. Is it as much as he can, & when we were together the 2 days/nights he had no problem with public displays of affection my only problem is, he never contacts me, if I don’t contact him first we go days not talking…. is this a sign that I should run? He has told me he dosnt like to message or have a relationship over the phone, I’m just not sure if I am reading everything wrong.

    • Jo,

      If you’re doing all the contacting, you’re doing all the chasing and initiating. You’re more interested in him than he is in you. Why don’t you stop initiating and see what he does. If you don’t hear from him, that means he can live well without you and is not into you enough.

      Remember, you only want a guy who shows sufficient interest to initiate contact. When there is interest but not sufficient enough to propel him to tap his fingers on a phone, then what does that tell you about him?

      A man with no initiation is not a man you can ever respect.

  3. you’re a God send.. thanks for helping us out. 🙂

  4. jackie permalink

    You are sooooo awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is just what i need.

  5. To: The One

    You have given lots of great advice to many women on your blog. I have not been able to read all of them…but of course one theme rings true…a man must be a suitor. I’m not making excuses…but my situation is very different. After getting married, my soon to be ex-husband decided to join the military. I agreed. We had problems and once he deployed they were exacerbated, we decided to get a divorce. Papers have been filed…but while I’ve been waiting for things to finalize, within my group of friends that I made here on base, I became attracted to another soldier. He in turn was attracted to me (despite the fact that I’m not typically the type of girl he is attracted to). There was hesitation on his end, due to my still legally married status, but eventually decided to see one another. While very sweet towards my child (one of the main reasons I began to notice him in the first place)….He played the game of hot and cold with me…Lots of mixed signals.

    He is about to leave for a month’s training, return for two months, then leave again for a 9 month deployment. So, when I confronted him about his hot cold behavior, he ended things saying he wasn’t enough for me…It wasn’t fair for me to have to wait for him…and that I was developing feelings faster than he was. He also (having been repeatedly cheated on) didn’t want a Dear John letter in the middle of deployment ending our relationship and then not being able to concentrate on his duty.

    I don’t expect things to change before he leaves…but I’m wondering if there could ever be something upon his return (since we are still in the same group of friends)…as well as how to handle deployment. I want him to know I still care about him…without crossing over into desperate or obsessed. What might that look like? 1 letter a week? month?

    Or should I just forget the whole thing?

    Thank in advance!

    • Icedgold,

      Welcome to the blog! This guy ended it with you so respect that and move on. Believe me, he didn’t do it out of fairness to you as he so states. He did it for his own peace of mind. He didn’t want the relationship to distract him from his duties.

      Why waste time focusing on him when it’s over? And do you really want to wait for him till he comes back? What if he meets someone over there? Don’t put your life on hold. Avoid long distance relationships if possible — those are really difficult to maintain. The odds are against you.

      Developing faster feelings than he did was only because you didn’t behave like a Prize Catch. The EGuides will teach you how! Don’t postpone obtaining this valuable knowledge. You will need the tools revealed in the EGuide for the next guy you meet!

      I urge you to get your secret weapon in dating and relationships when you Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to help you further!

  6. What if he doesn’t know I am interested?

  7. hey the One!

    hmm. i thought i would never mention and would not like my bf to know about this blog coz i just think he’ll disagree.. i posted some of phrases here to my fb and he “jokingly ” didnt agree. 🙂 we’ll i guess its just a joke. can you tell me what sign is that? is that a red flag?

    thank you 🙂

    • Don’t let your boyfriend know your Secret Weapon in dating!

      • omg! i just did! but just a bit of info.. my gosh i thot its not okay to let him know at first.. but just lately i gues its okay to share with him bit by bit.. its oryt il stop sharing this to him.. i am like very open to him id like to share evrything so that no misunderstnding arises.. i guess i should not spill evry info to him. thanks the One!

  8. cjg permalink

    What if he is…married?

    I don’t mean to offense anyone here, but I have a massive crush on an older, married man. I know he finds me charming – he plain tells me, and has asked me out on a date, on which I went. Yet, he is inconsistent with his pursuing…We had an amazing date, he suggested another one right away, but then he pulled away… He suggested having coffee or lunch, but cancelled on me the very same day, saying he had a lot of work to do. Thinking his pulling away was caused by his situation, I chased him a bit (initiated contact a couple times) to encourage him. When I saw that he was still pulling away (keeping it polite and nice, but no pursuing), I stopped chasing. We haven’t seen each other (outside of work…) since. Now, whenever I see him, it’s flirty still, I can feel his attraction to me, and so can the people around us. Yet, nothing… no invite, nothing. I feel like I’ve done what I needed to do; I will not pursue any more than I already have. I’m just wondering if the chasing thing is different in such a situation, where one of the protagonists is taken. Also, I want to be clear that I all I would like to be is this man’s lover. I do not wish to have him leave his wife/separate/divorce/make me his woman.

  9. Dina permalink

    Thank you so much for your reply:) i wish i knew you years ago 😍. I will safe tons of my heartbreak. Thank you for your heart to help us , women!!! ❤. Do u think guys care about woman’s finance if they are interested? I don’t have any debts and i own a business. I can support myself and not depending on my parents. But i am not in abundance where i can buy car, house or apartement (yet:). I am pursuing it but it will take time, i also go by public transportation and living within my means .but i do dress nice. One of my guy friend told me that, if my parents are rich or i am really succesful, guys will flock around me, and i always wonder , is that true? I still believe that there is a guy who would love to have someone like me. But i was wondering if what he says is right? I just start my own business in this new city and it starts to grow. I honestly spend most of my savings for building up my business where i used to live. in this new city, i start to see the fruits now…but i dont have a lot now because of the money i lost to support myself while i build my business.

    I think i am so insecure when it comes to materialistic, so many women has so many fancy stuff and everything sets for them. I do envy them sometimes, but i keep telling myself. You are fine and you are worthy. Don’t compare yourself! Keep working hard! 🙂 what do u think, what guys think about this finance thingy?i honestly feel more insecure as my savings become low because of starting a business. But it,s getting better now. Sorry i didn,t mean to tell you my financial problem lol,,,,i wonder if guy care about all this stuff…i am 36 now. . .because recently, there was a guy who asked me out and our house is so far and then i told him, how about if we meet up in the middle (i havent read your blog then😁), and later he found out that i dont have a car, and he was in shock. Are you serious , you dont have a car..he asked me like three times i think……..since then. He never asked me out again,,,i want to punch him the one,,,,,seriously. I dont even bother but i just wonder if all the guys are like him. . .that,s a rude of him!.

    • Dina,

      If a man wants you to have more money and own a house, then he is money-hungry and doesn’t care about you.

      Men by nature are providers and go-getters. Men can be nurturers and very caring as well, but they have a built-in biological system to be driven to succeed.

      So if a man resists his nature and wants the woman to have a lot of money and prove to him SHE can be a provider, he is either looking for a sugar mommy, has problems being a provider, or he’s a gold digger.

      If you are financially independent, that should be enough. And if it isn’t, guess what — HE isn’t enough.

      This is a red flag and it’s good you noticed! You want a man to fall in love with YOU, not examine your bank account.

  10. Dina permalink

    I have question the One, i feel like i was like Kim too. I feel nervous or shy near guys that i am interested in. If i am not interested in someone i am actually fine. Like boys i know much younger than i am or girls in the public, however only with guys that i am interested in, i feel i am frozen 😁😁☺like i have this guy in my church , i just move to this city. He keeps looking at me for a month but i only look at him or gaze away,,we keep cross passing each other a lot, i keep trying to smile,,i failed hahhaa,,once i found smiling to the people behind him that i dont know who he was. d’oh…i told myself u should smile,,i end up not smiling, but i thought what the heck,i have a guy in the past who approached me from far and just introduced himself or asked me out. Am i right the One? To have this kind attitude? I would love to smile seriously but i ended up doing silly stuff, once As i was so nervous at he looked at me, i looked at him and subconciously i entered to the restroom to my left hahahahha,,,,😁😝. Ooo…give me an exit door please.,,,,silly…:P but i do it gracefully without showing fear haha. . . Am i right even if a girl seem aloof and if a guy wants to know you he will definitely come to you and ask your name? ….i try not to be aloof but sometimes i cannot stand it. Any thought? Next time i will make sure i smile at him.,i will try! ☺😁…

    • Dina,

      Men by nature are biological scanners. They are always looking to see what catches their eye.

      You do not have to figure out how to get his attention. He knows you exist. He has his reasons for not approaching you. Leave the matter in his hands, and go about your business. Don’t worry about him.

  11. Kim permalink

    I can’t afford to go to therapy, so that’s out of the question

    Do you know what I can do to feel less self conscious talking to guys in general and especially if I like a particular guy?

    • A guy has to ask you out first to show you his interest. There is nothing for you to do aside from just being at ease and going about your business.

    • To be at ease with yourself, continue practicing being in social situations. As for what to talk about, develop your own interests first. When you do, you discover more and know more about your passion in something. This way you have lots more to say about what you’re doing and what interests you.

    • Regarding improving social skills in general, very important to also ask other people about their interests too. Conversations should be an equal exchange so others get a chance to talk about themselves, taking turns with you.

      But with men you are interested in, treat them like the general public, be breezy and nonchalant.

      Work on being a Prize which means raising your self-esteem, which is EVERYTHING.

  12. Kim permalink

    I used to be very unapproachable because I was too scared to get rejected by people in general not just guys but I’m working on it and now I say hello to guys and look them in the eye which is an improvment for me. I know I have a long way to go.

    I do feel self conscious and uncomfortable around guys especially if I like him and I guess that does show through in my facial expressions, gestures etc what can I do to feel more at ease? I’ve been on 5 dates through the online dating site i’m on, it’s been disappointing the guys that seem alittle interested are not what I expected and I don’t want to see them again and the ones I do like are not into me and I don’t get the second date. I feel like such a loser. 😦

    I’ve started going to the gym once a week to take a Yoga class not to lose weight because I’m already at a good weight 120 lbs at 5″6 but to help me relax and to develop a lifestyle and hobbies, what else could I do? I do dress up and take good care of myself so it’s not how I look cause I see some ugly bitches with cute guys and it pisses me off lol

    I’ve tried asking people more questions (because I’m not one to just start talking and telling stories I don’t really have stories to tell) in stores and at work to help me loosen up and seem interested, what can I talk about that people will find interesting? but also so I don’t feel like I’m being put on the spot

    I’ve also had bad experiences with people in the past in school at every level elementary, high school and college being bullied emotionally and being left out which hit me hard and I just gave up on people for the longest time but I realize now that by doing that I’m giving up on myself and I shouldn’t continue to punish myself, I want a great life.

    Thank you for your input, I appreciate it

    • Kim,

      You’re welcome. Having been bullied can be very traumatizing. It is understandable you’d have problems around socializing. Consider seeing a good therapist who will have the tools to help you deal with this issue so you can resolve it for good.

      We hire a roofer to maintain our roof, a mechanic for our car, and a plumber for our toilets. Getting help in our personal lives shouldn’t be overlooked. I applaud you for being brave enough to share and confront this problem! I hope one day you will feel secure enough in yourself to have no residual fear regarding people.

      Please keep us updated in how you’re doing.

  13. Kim permalink

    I’m so shy and guys that see me on a regular basis at work never seem interested in me, I’m not unapproachable just shy and alittle awkward, but otherwise I’m sweet and I smile and I look people in the eye.

    I’ve had to resort to online dating just to meet guys, how can I attract a great guy if I’m very shy around them.

    I’ve never been in a relationship and I feel so lonley and left out.

    I’ve lost touch with friends from school they all have a partner, kids, planning weddings, moved away so I can’t go out to a club with girls to get a guy.

    Please help me any advice you can give I would greatly appreciate it, I’m at my wits end.

    • Kim,

      Thanks for reading the blog. You have to make some changes for sure.

      Not everyone needs to be gregarious or a social butterfly. But you definitely have to be more at ease with yourself in speech and movement in order to socialize at a level where men feel comfortable in approaching you and speaking to you.

      Men notice women initially by appearance. Are you looking your best? Looking your best is not about wearing a lot of make up to hide flaws or wearing anything that you’re uncomfortable in. It is about wearing what flatters you and makes you attractive and feminine.

      It is about what suits you best and fits you naturally so you can be at ease and move at ease.

      For a lot more info, I urge you to Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to assist you!

  14. Stephanie permalink

    I’m so happy I found this blog! I starting using all the tips and guidelines and its working!
    Thanks! 🙂

    • Stephanie,

      Wonderful! Please feel free to share what tips you use and how they are working for you so others, including skeptics, will gain the confidence to use them too!

  15. Thanks I appreciate your advice. i needed to hear this from someone impartial. I was beginning to second guess myself.

    The reasons that I have not encouraged him, is because I did not really trust him. I did not like that he would flirt with me while stringing this one women along. He asked one of my friends for my number for a bogus reason and called me three times to ask casual questions that he always knew the answer. In these conversations, he never moved forward, instead seemed to be waiting for me to do it. I always ended these conversations first, after answering his question and saw that he really had nothing else to say.

    My friends said I was wrong in doing this, because he must have really wanted to talk to me or he would not have called. Also, the fact that he always pop around me and he and his friends stare at me quite a bit means that he much talk about me. This was his way of approaching me. He is probably shy and socially awkward when it comes to women, and afraid of being rejected.

    But I could not accept this and saw that the women who did make the first the move were not dating him, and this was his choice, not theirs. Furthermore, he may just see me as different because I am a “challenge” and when we do lock eyes, I don’t smile or encourage him, I only look away. Something I was told was a mistake, because he is not sure if it OK to approach me or not.

    What really bothers me was the clandestine quasi-relationship he was having with this much younger insecure woman, that most people in the congregation did not know about with the exception of her family and a few friends. Some people excused his behavior saying that because he was such a nice guy, he did not know how to stop this aggressive woman from constantly chasing him and being possessive . Also, true to his decent character, when their “relationship” was finally forced to be over with him admitting he did not want a relationship with her, he allowed her family to say she was the one who rejected him. I think this was done to makes him look like less of a jerk and lightens his guilt.

    I saw that she was chasing him and at times seducing him, but I also saw that he was not saying no, was enjoying the attention, and was was giving her, her mother, and the rest of the family a little hope that he was interested in her. Now that it is over, he will say her name, causally greets her and walks on. Before when they were in their secret relationship, they did not openly speak to each other, but she would throw flirty glances towards him, while he was nonchalant.

    Overall, he does have the appearance of a “nice” successful guy, but something told me that something was wrong for him to maintain this type of relationship. I was flattered by his attention and at points, was hoping I could be wrong about him. I am a committment phobe, have a difficult time trusting me, and wondered if I could be wrong and the other women are right. I haven’t talked with him about any of this, but have relied only on my observation and common sense. I would appreciate anymore thoughts. Thank you again for validating many of my feelings.

  16. Jan permalink

    A guy that attends a friend of mine’s church, always stares and show up around me whenever I visit. This has been going on for two years now. He has been single for about 20 years. His wife had left him and now they have adult children. He is a nerdy guy, not bad-looking, and is in a high-paying career. He has been chased by many women over years. I have seen many women pursue him, including one woman, who he have had a “secret” semi-relationship for several years. He was “adopted” by her family and would sometimes sit with them or go to family gatherings or on trips with them.The woman and her family had high hopes that eventually he would make their relationship “official” and then an engagement followed by a wedding.
    Sometimes he seemed to enjoy the attention and her flirtatious behavior toward him and other times he seemed annoyed and uncomfortable (he is about 15 years older). He finally broke the relationship completely off when church officials counselled them after the woman became more possessive and jealous and caused a scene when other women pursued him. He seemed relieved that their “relationship” is over and still came across as a “good guy” even to her family and friends because he never pursued her or said yes in words.
    He is very polite, a gentleman, and never says no to anyone, including his children. This is why everyone says he is a nice guy and why many women thinks he likes them.
    He shows up around me even more, talks with my friends, or anyone that I am near. He doesn’t talk that much to me (except to smile and ask if I need any help), call me, or track me down when I don’t visit. Several times, I disappeared and when I return, he seems very happy to see me, though he makes no effort to contact with me when I am not there. I also noticed that he appears, uncharacteristically, a little smug and conceited whenever women approach or pursue him, including with the one he broke off the relationship. The background that I included has bothered me. Are there red flags that I need to be concerned about. Would the same rules apply that even though he is nerd, seem a little shy, if he doesn’t approach, call me, or try to contact me, that he is not really interested? Thanks.

    • You asked what the red flags are…here they are:

      1. He doesn’t do any of the pursuing to any of the women around him. He lets them pursue him.

      2. He hid a relationship with a woman and allowed it to flourish and deepen to the point where the woman became so emotionally attached that she thought they are a couple.

      3. He never asks you out on a date.

      These three alone are more than enough for any self-respecting woman to avoid him like the plague.

      For a lot more detailed information specific to your situation, I urge you to get your secret weapon in dating and relationships when you Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to assist you!

      The One

  17. Fantastic advice! I’m not sure I will join the running club yet then. Since, I’d be disappointed if he did not approach me. I think my time would be better spent pursuing my own interests and going running with my club and my friends! After all, if he was interested in me he could have looked me up, but he didn’t !
    Thanks again for the great advice.

    • You’re welcome. Never doubt a man who is truly interested will track you down no matter where you are!

      • Dear The One

        I’ve got a difficult question for you.

        Would it not have been acceptable for a woman to chase a man (just once) in the example I mentioned above? Whereby, he works as a Doctor and I think he was attracted to me. But, I recently found out that, they are ethically forbidden to ask out /date their current patients(for obvious reasons).

        So he could not directly ask me out unless, I came off the patient list. He could hardly tell me in his patients room that he was attracted to me but, I think he hinted at it on several occasions in the past i.e. asking me to change surgeries on one occasion, telling me that they needed a receptionist and asking if, it was my area, would I apply? (I did not apply). Then, even asking if I was medical staff as, they needed a nurse? I’m cutting a long story short here but, he definitely showed interest and I could tell he found me attractive but, still did not ask me out directly.
        If I were interested. What should I do? As, a woman, could not frequent areas/ clubs which I’d know he’d be? Just to give him one chance to see if he was interested?
        Or, Would you still think it HIS problem as a man to figure out a way since, if he were truly interested enough he would have done so anyway?
        I have moved now and I am no longer on the patient list. But, he will not know this, as the practise manager would deal records transfers and they have about 10,000 patients registered.

        But, would it still be chasing and fruitless to even show him just once that, I would have reciprocated his interested (had he been allowed to ask me out)? I feel as though circumstances have prevented this when, he might have otherwise asked me out?
        Plus, I have developed a bit of a crush on him! He lives quite close so, I keep seeing him in passing and it’s making me wonder all the time!

        Advice appreciated

        Hannah

        • Hannah,

          I understand you’re telling me that because of his restrictions he is not allowed to contact you.

          What you can do is send him a thank you card for being your doctor. This keeps it on a professional level. However, you mustn’t have any expectations. He might have lost interest and met someone else. He might have a girlfriend.

          So keep it simple and breezy, along the lines of:

          “Hi Dr X, I just want to thank you for being my doctor. I’m no longer on your patient list, but would love to stay in touch! You can email me at xxx@whatever.com.”

          The card must be a simple thank you card that you’d send to anybody. It must not be romantic, expensive or fancy.

          After you send it to him, go about your life and don’t wait around. If you don’t hear from him or he never asks you out, you know why. But at least you didn’t take the risk of being forward in giving him your phone number or invest emotionally in a love letter.

          If you have his private email address already, you can email him instead. But if you don’t, do not email him at his office. He wouldn’t likely be able to respond to that as emails can be traced.

          With a card, he can take it home and type an email from a private email account to ask you out for a date or for your phone number.

          If he doesn’t, he’s lost interest, moved on, or has a girlfriend. So, no expectations!

          • Hi The One

            Thank you for your reply. I cannot send him a thank you note. I am from the UK so, our relationship with Doctors is different to those in the States! We have a more impersonal relationship with our doctors. For example, we would book appointments with any Doctor within the practice. It would be unusual to book appointments with one specific Doctor unless we were being treated long term. Furthermore, it would only be appropriate to send a Thankyou card after, he had treated me for a more serious medical issue which involved lots more treatment and perhaps more appointments.
            He would think it odd if, I were to send him a Thank Yu note now as, he never really treated me for anything other than a couple of sports injuries. So, if I were to send him a card now, it would scream- I’m into you! I don’t want that so, I guess my only option is to hope I bump into him and see if he smiles or tries to talk to me.
            But, your idea was a very good one! I can see how it would have worked had I had mores contact with him. Besides you are right in that, time has passed and he might have a girlfriend now or probably lost interest.
            I guess I need to do the same, focus on other men, friends and activities.

            Many Thanks though. Your advice is always appreciated- loads.

            Hannah

  18. Dear ‘The One’

    I have a question. I have a man who I thought showed a lot of interest in me. However, he was my doctor. He is not allowed to date his current patients so, he asked me to change surgeries so, that I would no longer be on his list and he would be free to ask me out. I never acted on this because at the time, I was nt sure I was interested. I ended up moving away but, only to the next town and I just never acted on his request or pursued him in anyway.
    My friend said he is a member of her local running club about 6 miles from where I now live. She says that, I should become a member and see if he asks me out. However, after reading your blog I am concerned that I would be chasing him. I am already a member of my home town running club by the way, so running is a hobby of mine anyway.
    She says he is still single, and she thinks he might still be interested. She thinks I should join and then, take it from there. But, I don’t want to appear as, though I am making plans to meet him etc. If I joined but, did not make any effort to talk to him other than, being polite if, our paths crossed. Would that be o.k?

    Would this be chasing him?

    Han

  19. Brilliant advice! I refer back to thiese pages time and time again and they never fail even when
    Attributed to different situations

  20. charlene permalink

    this stuff really is a shot at the heart because it is so true!!! it’s the type of stuff I read and I can identify myself with doing a lot of this stupid stuff!

    I’m 22 years old, I dated this guy for about 5 months. We were exclusive and weren’t seeing anyone else, but he never asked me to be his girlfriend. I guess everyone on the sideline was kind of pressuring me and wondering why he wasn’t asking me out. Long story short, we began fighting. He said I gave him an ultimatum, and he can’t do girls that give ultimatums. He said the negatives outweigh the positives, he does not see a future with me and we are just not compatible. 3 months later so about a month ago, I go to a bar with a bunch of my classmates and he is there. He’s drunk is attempting hold my hand and kiss me.. calls me babe this and that. I guess from there the communication between us was opened, gradually we started hanging out and he’s acting like we’re dating again. We’re hooking up, but not having sex. but i’ve noticed an inconsistency. recently, he just stopped talking to me. it’s been two days and he’s been blowing up my phone for the past two months. i know this is stupid of me, but i guess i do have feelings for him. I feel that being a challenge and not having an open communication is tough sometimes but, it is very true that I need to keep myself happy first and foremost. I guess it’s just annoying how he keeps coming into my life at random times. It just feels ambivalent. I would like to ignore him, but it’s pretty awkward because we have a lot of classes together (same program). I’m not sure why I’m so mind is so captivated by this, and I know this is isn’t healthy thinking for me.

    • I am glad you are reading this blog. Allow me to clarify what you said:

      You said you two were exclusive but he never asked you to be his girlfriend. That’s a paradox — two things that can’t be true at the same time. He may not be seeing someone else but he is 100% free to do so. So you two are not exclusive at all. He never asked to be.

      You gave him an ultimatum because you desperately wanted more. You were not being a PRIZE CATCH so he didn’t treat you like one either.

      He was sober and clear-headed when he explicitly told you he didn’t want a relationship with you for his stated reasons. Then later when he is drunk and his mind is fuzzy, he becomes affectionate and flirty. What does that tell you?

      For a lot more info, I urge you to Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to assist you!

      • charlene permalink

        I am writing back 3 months later and WOW how this shit has unfolded. I am writing because I am grateful to have read this information in the past. I am a stubborn gal, think i am independent and can handle myself with talking to guys like this.. WRONG. we talked a little bit over the summer, and as you know it was inconsistent talking (he also forgot my birthday). i honestly tried to be friends with him for the sake of our group of friends.. and so we became acquainted again. horrible move of course letting him back in my life. hes been drunk dialing me, blowing up my phone, trying to ask how my family is for almost 3 months now.

        yesterday i had lunch with his roomate and unveiled everything. lied about EVERYTHING. nailed a chick 2 weeks after we broke up. a week ago, persistently tried fucking this other chick in the midst of talking to me too.

        and so I cut all ties with him. blocked his number, everything, he has no way of contacting me. and if i see him on campus, i’ll just smile and be grateful everything is over. disgusted, but liberated.

        thank you =)

        • You’re very welcome, Charlene. Tough lesson, but the sooner the better! Glad you will have no contact with him and can still smile. To liberation!

  21. Emmy permalink

    Thank you very much for your answer, makes total sense, lessons learned, I should not put myself in this position from the beginning. Anyway, I think we had different expectations and I was definitely not consistent in being a Challenge. I decided to not send him a note, I wrote the email and sent it to myself to get out my feelings, I gave him the impression that I don’t worth his interest(efforts), so I am not going to add to this by looking desperate… thank you again, great postings!

    • You’re welcome. Glad you vented your feelings by writing the letter and sending it to yourself.

  22. Emmy permalink

    Very Nice blog, well done. So, I would like to have your inputs regarding a long distance relationship. I met a man 7months ago during a professional trip, we don’t live in the same country, we kept writing and chating for 6months, during witch he asked me if we can meet somewhere between, he was very persistent so I accepted. We met last month for a long week end and we had a great time, we just enjoyed spending some time together, we didn’t talk about relationships, I did not facebooked him, and nothing very intimate happened. At the end of the week end he didn’t asked me when we are going to see each other again and I did not asked either, we just said good bye. Since then no news, nothing, no calls, no emails. I supposed that he is not interested anymore, and it is not a problem but why diseapering? Why he did not say that at the of the trip? Should I ask him what were the reasons and if it is over? Do I have something to loose? Thanks for your answer

    • Emmy,

      You’ve raised an important topic of long distance.

      Because you jumpstarted the whole thing by talking to him online or on the phone, the dating ritual and courtship got disrupted. Nothing makes sense once this is done.

      He clearly enjoyed you as a challenge. But you were UNABLE TO SUSTAIN IT — a lot of women have this problem — and lose the guy as a result.

      For a lot more info, I urge you to Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to assist you!

  23. Ether permalink

    You rock! You are awesome! Thank you so much for these. Wish I had known them earlier.

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