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When & How to Reciprocate

He’s taken you out on dates.

He’s been planning, picking you up, and paying.

You don’t want to lose him.

Should you reciprocate? How?

When?

How often?

What should you do for him?

Should it be a date or a gift?

Should he be picking you up if it’s a date?

Where should you go and what kind of plans should you make?

How expensive should the gift be?

What should you give him, and what should you NOT give him?

What would be considered over the top?

What would be considered cheap and beneath him?

Would reciprocating drive him away, or would it make him more interested?

If the man is supposed to be the one initiating, what exactly is the purpose of a woman reciprocating?

If you don’t reciprocate ever, would he stay interested and keep pursuing?

What if you love and enjoy reciprocating too much?

Don’t be clueless in this hugely important aspect of being a Prize Catch, one that may be what SUSTAINS his interest!

$15 “When & How to Reciprocate” EGuide……………..ADD TO CART

Order other EGuides here. For confidential Email Exchange, Get Personalized Advice.

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45 Comments
  1. carpe diem permalink

    Hi The One,

    I usually feel like I am pretty on it when it comes to men. However, most of my friends and guy friends included feel Im am too “in the box” so to say, as in not pursuing to show my interest, and they feel guys like it when women pursue. Im sure they do, however, agree with you when you say to know for sure if a man is interested they need to initiate. Got that. So, to make a long story short. A man showed interest. He texted me and the convo was becoming long. Questions in regards to “whats your story” I had to draw the line at that point as Im not going to text my story! That deserves a phone call. I told him I would rather talk about that in person. So the questions continued and I quit replying. The next day I text back saying Im not into long get to know each others texts as its not my thing, if you want to talk Im good with that and if not it was nice to have met you. He never further responded. My friends and guy friends included felt I was to direct, rigid and somewhat rude. I didn’t feel I was being rude just straight up direct. Isn’t it true even if it was direct and rigid, although thats now how I was feeling, that if a man was truly interested he would still pursue?

    • Carpe Diem,

      Gone are the days when rude behavior from a woman would trigger a man’s adrenaline to pursue her harder!

      These days women have to deal with men who give up easily at any sign of challenge. These men want a woman to put herself on the line before he will. That is why they keep trying to get more info, to see if you meet their expectations without having to invest in a date with you. This you already know, so I applaud you for recognizing what he was doing and for not falling for the bait.

      You were spot on for not telling him “your story”. You said the right things, and when you said, “if you want to talk I’m good with that and if not it was nice to have met you”, it was because he was still clueless!

      Remember, a Prize Catch is always friendly, breezy and easygoing. She either declines a man’s advances (phone, text, email, or date) or accepts them — graciously. So telling him you’d rather talk in person and ignoring him afterwards should have been enough in getting him to understand a date was required for him to get to know you better.

      That being said, the idea that he couldn’t even ask you out on a date is a red flag. It means he was unwilling to take a small risk for a big payoff, the payoff of possibly meeting the right woman and getting to know her in a more meaningful way (on a date).

      A date is really a small investment. A marriage is a big investment. Any guy who treats a date as a big investment either doesn’t want to take charge and be a man, or is a commitment phobe. Of course he could be a lot of other things as well, as in being too broke to date or have intimacy issues. Whatever the reason, he didn’t have what it takes, and you are still worthy and desirable in spite of it.

      That lots of women never got courted but ended up in a relationship or marriage anyway does not mean one should dismiss courtship as out of date and useless. It means these women are not being cherished. Getting a ring on one’s finger is no guarantee that the guy who put it there knows how to cherish her.

      An unemasculated man would have recognized the timing as ripe for a date. Instead, this guy got offended.

      You don’t want a guy who can’t even meet you for a cup of coffee. Nobody’s asking him to fall in love with you and propose on sight.

      If a date is too much to ask, then he’s not qualified. Remember, how a guy behaves during this stage shows you who he is as a potential boyfriend or husband.

      You were direct, but only because he kept on texting. Had he asked you out quickly, there wouldn’t have been an issue. Unfortunately, this guy wasn’t going to be a suitor no matter what. So you saved precious time. I don’t see it any other way.

      And by the way, there are guys out there who would ask you out and wouldn’t keep you in text mode. So do not give up. Keep meeting new men.

      (A man who avoids meeting a woman face to face is his way of avoiding making progress with her. A woman should never allow a guy to stall her, and you were smart to recognize that was exactly what he was doing.)

      • carpe diem permalink

        Hi!

        Thank you for the quick reply. The texts went on for only four hours which is short in the text world but just felt wrong and uncomfortable as I didn’t know him at all. Was anticipating him eventually asking me for pics of my female body parts as so many woman/girls end up doing to again stop his effort from seeing a woman face to face. And getting to know someone through text is just weird and impersonal, no effort on his part. He was in my work place where I spoke to him briefly and was friendly, breezy and easy going as you say. Really no loss on my part, it just makes me question my behavior, if my “direct” responses could stop a decent guy from pursuing. And I wasn’t meaning to be rigid but the text made it sound that way, which is why text is a sh***y form of communication. BTW, you sound like a man, I felt a man come out through all your words…

        • Carpe Diem,

          You’re welcome. I’m sure he would have ended up doing everything you feared so you made the right decision!

  2. Hey One,

    I need your advice because I am a bit unsure what to do at this moment and I always feel like I have been spoken some wise words when you reply and my head doesn’t seem to be as much in a daze :D. Compliments are rolling.

    I have been seeing this guy for nearly two months now. Meaning we are in a relationship.

    We just been on holiday for 10 nights and I came back home feeling a bit unsure whether we fit together. When I say fit together, I mean if our personalities match to be a couple. I know opposite attracts tough it still doesn’t take away the fact that I’m having doubts if he’s the right one.

    For starters, I’m really inexperienced when it comes to relationships but I think I should give this one a bit more time before I decide to end things or not.

    There are little things that put me off on holiday which I don’t think are necessary to discuss.
    I told him they put me off and why. So now it will be a matter if he listened to me and changes this.

    The thing that I have been missing, is having good conversation. I can’t really remember the last time we spoke of something and I felt like we really clicked. that kind of conversation that satisfies you. I know there is something between us because I feel it. I fell for his attentiveness and thoughtful side.

    He’s not a very talkative person. I realise I may have to initiate conversation. But when I look back and I noticed when I do, he doesn’t really elaborate or doesn’t bounce of onto another topic. He just gives a short answer.

    On holiday when I was missing conversation, I didn’t have thought for conversation myself :/ so I was out of ideas what to speak about sometimes. I really miss it and I’m not the one for just starring into ones eyes.

    Instead of having conversation he pulled funny faces, which was a turn off by which I openly told him as mentioned above. It made me feel sometimes like I was dealing with a 12 year old and put me off sex which I told him too.

    Since I told him he hasn’t been doing it at all, apart from 2 times and he realised it before I would say anything. Don’t get me wrong I don’t mind him being witty but on holiday it was nearly everyday, all day at some point.

    I haven’t told him about missing conversation because I thought to myself maybe he doesn’t want to have conversation and all he wants to do is just relax on holiday. I can be witty myself so I tried enjoying his company in a different.

    But when I think on it, like i said before he’s not that talkative and I do love having good convo.

    I’m not sure if this will change or how to deal with this therefore I come to you

    Hope you can help.

    Kind regards,

    Donya

    • Donya,

      You’re at a crucial point where the right decision needs to be made. You don’t want to throw something away if it’s worth keeping, but what I have to say to you will be rather lengthy and in-depth. I invite you to sign up for personalized Email Exchange with me to explore all that entails choosing what is best for you. Look forward to hearing from you and giving you that perspective!

  3. nix r permalink

    When is the right time to kiss a guy im dating? I’m currently dating a guy and we’ve been on 3 dates already. On our 3rd date, as we were parting ways already, he asked for a kiss so im going to give him a peck on the cheek but he said just one kiss on the lips and mindlessly thinking and hormones raging hahaha gave in and lightly kissed him.

    My concern is that I don’t want him to have the impression that he’s already got me. Actually i dont really like him coz he’s not my type but he is a man who steps up and is taking me on proper dates so i gave him a chance. But in the process, I find myself reluctantly giving myself away. I watch myself so I don’t fall for him… coz i think its fairly easy to fall for him with him being nice and charming and always setting up dates.

    Btw, I’m an avid reader of your blog and I’m observing your rules such as not making myself available. This guy I’m dating is constantly texting me everyday. And if I don’t reply to his latest text, he will start a new topic/send a new text.. In that way he is being clingy. The only reason why I’m not replying too often is because I don’t want him to think that he’s got me alreadyy. I don’t really know he wants a relationship, but he said something like in the future if i want to move in w him, i can. something like that. I want to know how to make a guy court me. As in I want grand gestures… This guy im dating is paying for our dates, picking me up and setting up dates as well. So its a nice indicator but I want him to be extravagant like surprising me etc., take me on romantic dates on a whim etc. Sorry but i have romantic fantasies in my head, waiting to be fulfilled by the next man I’m gonna date. 🙂

    and last question, how to stop being submissive on guys? by submissive i mean, not in bed. I’m submissive in a way that I always allow physical things to happen when im with a guy. I can’t help it. Like with kissing. Or holding hands. In short, I’m having a hard time saying no and rejecting physical gestures. Pls do enlighten me on this grey area thanks.

    • Nix,

      It is good you are not being too available. That’s one of the hallmarks of being a Prize Catch. However, I’d like for you to remember: No man is going to be everything you want and need, nor is he going to be able to give you the kind of dates you are hoping for.

      Eventually, dating him will turn into a question of whether or not you become his girlfriend. So you need to know if he’s a guy who can be a good boyfriend to you because just wanting romantic or exciting dates isn’t going to nail down whether he’s right for you in the long run.

      Therefore, if you want a good boyfriend as in a long-term relationship, I suggest you focus on getting to know him and who he is. Extravagance might be nice, but it does not guarantee love, respect, commitment, and fidelity — which are what ultimately forces a woman to stay with a man or leave him.

      So just enjoy yourself on each date with him and don’t have sex. Kiss him if you feel like it, but don’t do deep kissing. If you have problems controlling yourself physically, leave the date early. The must-read “Become His Girlfriend” EGuide details the the Danger Zone, the Safe Make-out Zone, the Power of Withholding Sex, and other crucial advice on physical interaction. Don’t miss out on this knowledge!

      You are also torn between wanting to be desired and wanting to be hard to get. So without being armed with the right information, you will sabotage a good thing by driving away a good man, or waste time with the wrong man. Learn the difference between a man with Boyfriend Potential and a man without.

      Get your EGuides so you are clear as to what to do and when. And you will also find out how to get a guy to keep courting you and not lose interest and staying power.

      The EGuides will address all your questions and issues, and sort things out for you!

  4. kelly permalink

    Im to nice

  5. So here’s a question, how do you respond if a guy asks you on a coffee date? This seems to be a quite popular first date type scenario, but I don’t drink coffee. Or tea. Or hot chocolate. haha. I don’t mind going with friends to chat or hang out, but for a date, this seems lame. I want to say, thanks, but I don’t really drink coffee. The question is if I am interested do I suggest something else, or do I just say I don’t drink coffee but if you have any other ideas I’d be interested… make him figure it out?

    • Amy,

      You can order mineral water and a slice of cake. Coffee means it’s a place to meet. It isn’t about the coffee, it is about being in a cafe.

      A prize catch is easy to please, hard to get. Too many women today are hard to please, easy to get. Not happy when the guy is making effort, but rushing to hang out with him or having sex. The man then loses interest or doesn’t treat her right.

      To avoid that, you must enjoy whatever he has planned, unless it is something hazardous, inconvenient for you, or requiring too much of your time and energy.

      You don’t tell a guy where he should take you unless he is your boyfriend or unless he asks for your suggestion. He is paying, so it is up to HIM, not you.

      A guy needs to feel EMPOWERED to be happy. When he is not empowered, he slacks off and becomes passive, which you won’t like or respect.

      Allow me to explain everything to you regarding the masculine and feminine roles, when you can say what to him, and why — all of which will help you arrive at CLARITY. When that happens, it becomes natural and easy to be a Prize Catch!

      For a lot more info, Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

  6. Thanks for your reply; needed to hear that and will definitely do what you suggested!

  7. Hello The One,

    I’m so glad I found your site because I really agree with your philosophy yet find it so hard to follow what I believe to be true a lot of the times. Actually, I finally feel like I am finally getting to a place where I am feeling more comfortable with backing off and letting the guy do more of the pursuing, HOWEVER, I’m not sure if I’m quite there yet.

    I recently met someone through a friend. I immediately got a gut feeling that he was interested because he would invite me to different activities/events that he was either hosting or participating in. Also, he would message me via Facebook (we hadn’t exchanged numbers yet) and I could tell that he would try to keep the conversation going by asking me lots of questions. After awhile, though, he stopped sending me fb messages. Nothing had really changed but it got me wondering ‘why the sudden stop – did he change his mind about me?’ At the end of the day though, I decided not to worry about it and just take it as something that was not meant to be and left it alone.

    Long story short, he recently posted a picture of an eating establishment he had visited on Facebook. I commented on the picture stating that I had been looking for that restaurant the other week and where was it exactly? (thinking that if he was interested he would use this opportunity to suggest we go together). To my pleasant surprise, he did just that (lead cue) and I responded by agreeing. Then he responded by saying “when should we go?” and being that our situation is that we can only see each other on the weekends (I live far from him during the week and am only in his area on the weekends where the restaurant is) and that he has a super busy weekend schedule, I responded with a vague answer (“sometime over a weekend when you are free?”) I also kept it vague because this was on a picture he had posted on his FB page and I didn’t want all his friends reading my response yet didn’t want him to feel that he had asked a question on his page for everyone to see and I left him hanging by not responding below that post. It’s been a few days and he hasn’t responded yet – I’m not sure if he’s not sure how to answer that question since he doesn’t know his schedule yet or if he thought it was so vague that maybe I wasn’t interested enough or if he is annoyed that I turned the question back on him to decide on a date when he had already asked me when we should go. I’m not planning on doing anything at this point and am going to wait for him to answer, but just out of curiosity, how would you have responded to that question and would you say that there is some level of interest in order for him to suggest going together?

    • Don’t assume a man is interested in you just because he invites you to activities. He needs to invite you for a one-on-one DATE in order for you to correctly assume he is interested.

      A man interested in a woman wants to get to know her without any distractions and competition. He wants to impress her. He can’t do that unless they are alone together, can hear each other and can focus on each other.

      So right away, you assumed wrong.

      Let me explain why. Please sign up at Get In-Depth Advice Now for confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to assist you.

  8. Spring66 permalink

    Dear The One,

    Very interested in your thoughts on online dating. For example:

    – Should woman wait for a man to contact her? Is it ok for woman to reach out first?

    – How do you respond to emails? Suggestions.

    – How long do you go back and forth emailing, waiting for a date request, before you throw the towel in.

    – Suggestions for writing a profile.

    Thank you.

    • Online dating is not really dating. People are just finding each other, and the man asks a woman out to meet in person on a date, which finally occurs physically.

      I have more tools and tips regarding this. Please sign up at Get In-Depth Advice Now for confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to assist you.

  9. Velvet permalink

    He messaged me after a few hours of that post, lol. It was just small talk, it wasn’t really going anywhere so I left

  10. Velvet permalink

    Hello, I love your blog! I’m having trouble reciprocating with an “ex”.
    This is an online situation, we live in different states. He has known me for a while and we did have a past together that didn’t work out because I used him as rebound and got clingy. He said despite all of that he still wanted me.

    We didn’t speak for 2 months, he kept trying to talk to me but I ignored him every time. Then one day he bluntly tells me he still has feelings for me, that he missed me etc.

    These are just words for me though, I tell him I’m not sure how I feel. He initiates conversation for a week straight, then I hear nothing from him for a week. When he talks back to me after that week he admits he was waiting for me to say something because he would like to feel wanted. He says I’m always busy whenever he tries to contact me, so I should message him whenever I’m bored. I started to read this blog and I see I should reciprocate after the 3rd initiation.

    Seeing as I have never reciprocated, I put something cute up on face book and tagged him. He responded to the message, seemingly hungry for attention. I kept saying I had to go but he kept talking lol, I spent a couple extra hours with him before leaving. We flirted and even dirty talked just like the old days. I feel like maybe I should’ve restrained myself better. He knows I’m interested in him sexually and he is very much into me sexually as well. Then he straight up told me that he wanted me to be his girlfriend again, to which I said I was interested in him but I still wasn’t sure yet.

    I figure he should be putting more effort to get me to be his girlfriend, not just directly ask me?
    2 days go by and I message him again, I wish I didn’t though. For some reason conversation wasn’t flowing the same. So I stopped talking to him, and we haven’t talked in 4 days. I plan to ignore him but I’m unsure what went wrong? Was it because he knows I’m into him sexually? Or is he just ignoring me for a week again like last time?

    • Velvet,

      Are you settling for just being a phone girlfriend? An online pal or text buddy?

      I have lots more to say so if you are interested, please sign up at Get In-Depth Advice Now for confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to assist you.

  11. He was going to call me and talk after he said he wasn’t the one for me. Then he said he wanted to talk to me but did not want to talk over the phone and so he asked me if we could have lunch or coffee? I said that was a great idea and he said” terrific,thank you tJ I will let you know when I am back in town next week ,probably Sunday or Monday.”
    He seemed so nice in his text and I thought that since he was asking me to lunch that we were dating again. I thought that he was pursuing me. Maybe I should wait to see what he says at lunch before I assume that?
    I thought you would think this was a good thing The One. Now I am nervous.
    I am dating 2 other men now so he is not the only one I focus on.

    • TJ,

      He already told you you’re not the one. A man who wants to be with you would never dare say that for fear of losing you forever. He obviously has no such fear.

      In fact, he is so confident about your interest in him that he can have you put your life on hold and make room for him in your schedule when he hasn’t even come up with plans of what and where for lunch.

      He is using the lure of talking things over to give you hope…hope for something that ain’t happenin’.

      Sorry, this one is a dud. A time-waster.

  12. He invited me to lunch next Tuesday. I said yes. Is that ok?

    • TJ,

      Only if you don’t need him to be your boyfriend and just want company. If you’re okay with no commitment, you must also be okay with him disappearing or ignoring you.

  13. WOW. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and for responding to me in such detail. Thank you for listing all the things I did wrong and for showing me how he does not care about me. I having been blaming myself for the “fear in my eyes” statement that he made and you are right, he was trying to use me. I am happy I have found your blog, happy you are writing a book of success stories and happy I can come here and read over and over again until I get it right.You are preforming a real service, and being so selfless. I am so grateful.

  14. Dear The One,
    Thank you for your quick response over on the when do you recipricate thread. He just texted me today and I need to know what to do so I wanted to give you more info.
    He started to write me online at a dating site. I only responded to him,never initiated. He asked me out for lunch,I accepted. He was very excited to meet me and let me know that. We had a nice lunch and midway through it he asked if I wanted to see him again.I said yes. He told me how much money he had,(substantial), and showed me his penthouse after lunch, just the outside of the building.
    He e-mailed the next morning and that night I emailed back. He sent another one immediately and I texted the next day that I couldn’t get on my computer to read it because of technical issues. That night he asked about calling me the next day or the day after. I waited all day of the first day that he wanted to talk and then texted him to call me the following day.The next day he sent a text telling me he was going offline and that I had his number if I wanted to communicate with him and if not ,all the best with my search. I texted back that I was looking forward to his phone call that evening.
    He called that evening and we talked 40 minutes.He told me about his houses, his cars, his businesses. He said we should see a movie and that since we both had each others numbers we could call each other to say when would be the best time for us to go. He sent me a picture of him with his sports car. The next day he texted and as I had my phone near me, I texted back,he sent 3 more and I sent 3 back. The next day nothing from him. The next day at noon he sent a text asking to take me to the movie. I was on a lunch date with another guy so I did not respond for 4 hours. I then texted that I was free to go. He said he would call that day in an hour and we would decide a time. He asked if I wanted to meet at the movie and I said yes, because I would not even let him know my name until our first date, and only my first name, just to be careful. We had a great time at the movie and he told me repeatedly how beautiful I was, but at the end of the date he did not ask me out again. I texted a thank you that night because he paid for both dates and said I had fun. He texted a long funny text back to me.
    I then did not hear anything for three and a half days so I e-mailed him and said I made cookies for a board meeting and did he want some. He immediately e-mailed back that yes he did, and to please come over anytime. ( I was in his area because I had class that day. I stayed for 45 minutes and we had a nice talk. He kissed me goodbye and then went down the elevator with me. On the way down he french kissed me, told me I was gorgeous and said he wanted to take me out the next week as he was out of town for the weekend. I said ok. A few days later he texted me again that he wanted to take me out the next week if I had time. I waited 4 hours and texted back to have a nice time and I would be here when he got back.3 days later when he was back he sent me a text in which he said I was distant in my text and asked”did I want to talk about it.” I was getting prepped for surgery and called him back and said I didn’t mean to sound distant and said I was going into surgery. He started calling me honey over and over and asked why I did not tell him I was having surgery and to let him know I was alright after.And then when I was out of surgery left another text to let him know I was ok and home safe after surgery. After surgery, that night I sent a short text to say I was safe and sound.
    He texted the next day and I texted back that day several hours later. The next day he called me and asked when he could come over and watch a movie with me and I said I didn’t know cause I did not feel well 2 days after surgery. He said to let him know when I did,so late the next night at 9:30 I texted him that I thought he could come over the next night to watch a movie with me. He texted 2 hours later that he was leaving town for that weekend but begged for a rain check. I immediately texted back ok and to have a nice time. The next day,Saturday, we texted 4 times back and forth,he started it, and it was flirty.
    On Monday morning early he asked about coming over that night. I said yes. I was in a pretty nightgown and robe with makeup and hair done. He insisted on bringing dinner over and the movie. We ended up talking for an hour and a half over dinner and he said he was too tired to watch the movie and he could come over tomorrow or the next night to watch it. Then he went to the bathroom and when he came out he decided to take the movie with him. He told me that night that I looked nice, that I was so feminine and was a domestic goddess,(I think because he saw my home.) But he also said he did not know if we had chemistry. I said “REALLY?” and he said yes, he did not know but that he would keep calling me and texting me. I said nothing more about chemistry but I was dying to know what he meant by that because he was always making a big deal when he saw me by repeatedly telling me how beautiful I was blah blah blah.He kissed me twice at the door as he was leaving but neither were french kisses.
    He texted me two days later to ask how I was feeling. I waited 4 hours and told him I was feeling better, that I had gone to a play and out to dinner the night before and that it was nice to be out of the house after a week of being cooped up. He responded the next day with a pleasant text . My friends all forced me to text him back and said I was way too old fashioned soooo… I texted him that I would like to see him again soon. I got a text back immediately that he wanted to come over and asked if I would be handing out Halloween candy. I said yes that he could help and he came over 3 hours later at 630 pm. I was dressed in a form fitting low cut Witches dress and he loved it. He was so cute with the kids and I said so a few times. He talked about his self and I asked lots of questions. Then he said” so do you still think we don’t have chemistry? I said that I had never said that and he said that I had , on our first date. I then said I thought we had chemistry and asked him back. He said he thought we did and especially when I wore this dress. He kissed me passionately. At 8:30p.m. all the kids had stopped coming and he started rubbing my legs. I told him he didn’t need to and he said he wanted to and then he started to put the moves on me. I said that I could not do that and so after some kissing and me saying I couldn’t do that he asked me if I was ever going to let him make love to me, or was I saving it for marriage? I said maybe not marriage, but certainly a more seriously committed relationship.Then he kissed me goodbye.
    The next morning I texted that I had a nice time, that he was a great storyteller and that he was a great kisser. He texted back a ” heartfelt apology” for his behavior. He said he saw fear in my eyes, that that was a first for him and that it shouldn’t be that way ever. That it broke his heart to think that I experienced fear because of him. He said he wanted to see me again but that it would probably be best and I would be more comfortable if we met in public. Then he said that he talked too much because he was nervous.
    I texted back a thank you for his apology, said that I was nervous too, said he was interesting and did not talk too much, said I was fine meeting in public and would like to see him again and said my ex and I had to not kiss and only meet in public and I had to dress like a nun for us both to be virgins when we got married. ( I am 60 now) I then said I hoped he wouldn’t stop french kissing me. He texted back that he had to stop french kissing me, that around me he was very ,very human and a male and if that road was closed,best not to start down it, especially when it generated fear in me. Then he thanked me again and went out of town.An hour and a half later he sent another text that said his last text may have sounded like he wasn’t interested if an intimate relationship wasn’t possible but that was not the case,but that he couldn’t be close to me when that was not what I wanted. He said he respected that decision, but please, no more about my attraction to my ex.
    I texted back the next day that I was repulsed by my ex, that I did want to be close to him,in a talking ,sharing way and that I fantasized about him even though I didn’t want to have sex yet. I said I did not want to be a tease and I would dress more modestly if that would help. Then I asked in my text if he would be kissing me at all since his last text said no french kisses.
    Four hours later he texted me back that he thought we should just try and be friends.He said he imagined signals from me and that was just not healthy emotionally or physically for either one of us. That at 60 years old that was a first for him and that he did not want to see fear in a women’s eyes and he did not want that to happen a second time, but that he did sincerely apologize. Then he said we needed time and distance, that he wanted me to find the man that was right for me, and that it was not him. Then he said a lot of sweet nice things about how lucky the guy would be..blah blah blah,
    Then I immediately texted him back that his text made me so sad, that I was so attracted to him and that I was crushed with his text and I asked if we could talk.
    He texted back yes, of course, but for now we needed time and distance to process everything, that at least he did. He said perhaps later next week. I texted back ,”OK, I am crying”. Now 5 days later he texted me that he hoped I was feeling better, that he just arrived in New York on business, ( we live in CA.) and asked if he could call me this weekend. Then he said,”only if you want”.

    I think he is probably calling because I asked if we could talk, but I am not sure if I should. I want to talk. I want him to still like me, but he was clear a few texts back that he wasn’t the man for me.I guess what really puzzles me is that his 3 texts before that were so nice and he still wanted to date me and then in the last 2 texts he wanted to stop our relationship. What changed his mind? Maybe I did have fear in my eyes. I was nice to him that night but I had just had my gall bladder removed 9 days earlier and he knew that. I could not have sex if I wanted to for 6 weeks, I would risk ripping internal stitches out. I wasn’t trying to be a tease that night, just trying to look nice. I feel bad that it ended so badly and I feel like he is not being fair to me. Also, he has left town at least 3 of the five weekends we have been dating. We have no exclusive relationship and so I am sure he is seeing other women. In fact he left town the next day to spend the weekend in another town. All my friends say I should have slept with him blah blah blah , but I am glad I did not. We just don’t know each other well, I had surgery, we are not exclusive etc. But I would like to try and get him back. Is there anything I can do here? Should I say yes I would like to talk and just be nice and light? Should I say I am attracted to him, he wasn’t misinterpreting me, but that I thought he knew I could not have sex because of surgery ? Did I hurt his ego? I am wondering now if he sees he over reacted and maybe respects me for not sleeping with him. He is a great catch in that he is smart, funny, ambitious, tall, dark and handsome, someone I could have a future with etc.So tomorrow is Friday and he wants to call me this weekend. What should I tell him? What should I do? ps. Sorry this is so long. I tried to be truthful and complete.

    • TJ,

      The first mistake you made was following him to see his penthouse after your first date. Your date was supposed to be just lunch. A Prize Catch is a busy woman. If you want a man to value you, you must not hang around after a date and speed up the process. Less is more. If he really wanted you to see that penthouse, he should have asked you for a second date to do just that.

      The second mistake was texting him first to say hi, to say you had a nice time, to apologize, to thank him, to chat, to reassure him, to say whatever — in other words, for no good reason. The only time you get in touch with him is if you are confirming his plans for a date with you. Until then, you are as quiet as a mouse. You are busy living a full life, not revolving your thoughts around him.

      He is not a great catch. He’s a player and a user. He does not respect you or care about you. Focus on how he treats you. He offers you nothing and insults you by saying there is no chemistry.

      Focus on getting your self-respect back.

      There are three more mistakes I’d like to point out to you! There’s more for me to explain. For a lot more info, Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to assist you!

  15. I am wondering if you have been somewhat pursuant and he has lost interest and told you he is not for you, if you can improve with time and be a prize. Do you think he may pursue you again or is it over for good?

    • He may or may not. It’s up to him. There are definitely cases where a guy turns around and chases a woman because he suddenly finds her intriguing.

      You can’t control what others do. You can only control what YOU do. So become a PRIZE for your own sake, not for his sake, because there is no guarantee under the stars that being a PRIZE CATCH will land you the Man of Your Dreams.

      However, when you are one, you feel good, strong, and can handle whatever situation that arises. You will know how to keep a man who IS interested, versus driving him away with desperation.

  16. carpe diem permalink

    Also, how do you go about dealing with online dating? Is it a good idea? I mean there is a plethora of women out there for him to choose from and how can the man who sends you a message really know he likes you? I mean no one really knows who is behind the computer and it hard to really like someone over words, its all just not real at that point. So, should we as women expect the man on the other end of the computer somewhere show us how much he likes us by constantly sending us messages and we women not respond for 24 hours after? Whats your take on online dating and how to deal with it. Thank you…..

    • Dear Carpe Diem,

      When a woman makes the first move, she will NOT KNOW how a man feels about her.

      When a man makes the first move, she KNOWS he noticed her, finds her attractive, and is interested. He KNOWS she is interested in him as soon as she agrees to meet him in person. This is the most efficient, confusion-free way to participate in dating for optimal results.

      Therefore, let men see you, like how you look, read about your profile, and get in touch with you. Men who step up and seek you first have high interest level vs those who do not. Life is much easier for women when they are the Prize. Life is very hard for women when they do the pursuing.

      For complete know-how, get the EGuide “Online Dating” which contains the tools and guidelines you will need.

  17. carpe diem permalink

    Hi the One, I know you say wait 24 hours to respond to text. What about if he reaches out to you as in online dating. Sends you just a generic message like… “Where do you live, I am very particular and close proximity is important. Nice profile” I usually don’t respond right away, maybe a few hours later. Should it still be 24 hours. We have never met and it has only been an initial message from him.

  18. Anonymous permalink

    The One,

    Here is a question for you.

    I am in a semi-friends with benefits relationship. I say “semi” because we do a lot of things like Bf and Gf would but we are not committed or it hasn’t been made clear. We have been doin this for a couple weeks now. Please take note, we are both in an “open relationship” type thing. Anyways…here is my question!

    I give him compliments! I like to comment on how hot he is, how he is great in bed, how he looks nice, yadda yadda! So I give him compliments but I never once have heard a compliment about me! He never compliments me. Yes, I expect a compliment because I am a girl and I love to hear it and maybe I need an ego-boost, sure. But before when I was with other guys, I was always complemented on at least one thing…

    With this guy, he never comes out and says anything nice about me. It is not that he is doing it to be mean, he just never expresses it verbally. Do you have any idea why he can’t compliment me?

    • He doesn’t compliment you because he’s not trying to impress you, capture your heart, or make you fall in love with him.

      When you order fries, don’t expect a burger.

  19. Curious munch permalink

    Hi One,

    Thank you for the inspiration. I have followed your advice by telling him I was busy that day (I honestly was as I had to attend a charity evening) and could not come to Paris. His answer was ” no problem! At least it’s for the good cause ;)) kiss to you”

    Have I been too aloof to deserve such an laid back answer!?!
    I have not replied to his text since last wednesday…

    Curious

    • Curious,

      Congratulations for telling him you’re busy. That is PRIZE BEHAVIOR!

      No, you haven’t been too aloof. You just have to accept that his answer means he isn’t available to date you.

      The Paris trip would’ve been a fling. Now if you lived in his town, he might be able to take you out on a date. Maybe he’s not interested in a long-distance relationship. Maybe he’s not interested in ANY relationship and just wants to have a fun time. Because you initiated, you have NO IDEA what his underlying feelings and intentions are. And you cannot ask him without giving away how YOU feel about him and risking driving him away even more.

      So because his actions do not indicate interest, there is nothing you can do at this point except to forget about him and live your own life.

      For a lot more info, Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to assist you!

  20. Thanks The One!!
    Now I know it is clear to me how to interpret messages and what to expect from them. Thus saving my time, effort.

    You are the best!

  21. VIC permalink

    Hi The One!
    I want to ask you a question that bothers me all the time… -How often should I reply to his iM, whatsapp.. messages? now, later or tomorrow?- so that I don’t look like I’m too EAGER… also.. when should I start the iM conversation? or should I always wait and let him message me?

    • Instant messaging and messaging apps make you way too accessible. This way he will never need to make plans and ask you out on an actual date. Texting and social media do the same thing.

      When technology replaces effort, you won’t be valued and treated like a Prize. You won’t be a challenge.

      For a lot more info, Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to assist you!

  22. Curious Munchy permalink

    hello One,

    thank you for all your advice – so spot on! I wish I had read all this yeeeeears ago! I’ve always been a chaser (losing my integrity over time) and I want to change!!!!!
    I met an old school friend two months ago, we lost contact when i moved to another country – we hadn’t seen each other in 17 years. He admitted having a massive crush on me when we were young and how he will always remember me as his first love. Anyhow – cut the story short – after our first get together, he kindly offered to drive me back home….I got a bit carried away by making the first move and kissed him goodbye. I couldn’t help it!!!! I felt so attracted by him. I texted him the next day to initiate some conversation (and reassurance) but as I live in a foreign country, he simply ended the conversation after 3 texts by saying that I should just let him know when I am next in town. The tricky bit here is that by living in a foreign country I am bound to be the one to initiate dates?! our 2nd date (initiated by me) went blissfully well…and he even asked if I’d fancy a meet in Paris for a day/night. Should I be waiting for him to chase me on this or should I be reading his proposition as a LEAD and email him my availabilities???? How do you play the game in this situation?

    Thanks for your advice

    Curious Munchy

    • Curious,

      Welcome to the blog! I wish to help you so please know I am sincere.

      You need to read and re-read until you memorize in every cell of your being what I wrote in How to Show Your Interest in a Man.

      You’ll notice it is short and sweet, so there really is not much to memorize. But it’s not that it is hard to memorize, but that too many women refuse to believe it is true. They refuse to accept that it could be so simple, that that’s ALL there is to showing interest toward a man they find attractive.

      How can that be, they wonder? There’s gotta be way more than just agreeing to go out with him!

      But that’s the problem. When people refuse to believe this, they end up doing too much.

      For a lot more info, Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to assist you!

      • Curious munch permalink

        You are too right, thanks so much for taking the time to reply. It is really is helping put the situation into perspective. Yesterday I read pretty much all the articles/comments on your blog – powerful reading. I will keep at it until I learn show more respect to myself !!! I agree I have made it way too easy for him and got overly excited at the thought of being asked for a date to Paris. So far he has always paid for our dates and would always drive me home (i live with my mum when I return to my hometown). But like you intimated I have made it very easy by initiating our first 2 dates!!! I have a couple of questions: 1. He is waiting for a reply re: overstay in Paris. Do I tell him I am too busy thay day and leave it to that, and stop all contact? Park him until he makes a suitable date invite. or have I totally blown my chances to be regarded as a Prize and I should just move on without a reply to his invitation? Wouldn’t want to sound rude either!?! Sorry if I sound a bit insecure, your help is helping a lot….

        Curious munchy

        • Curious,

          Yes, he paid for the dates you initiated. He is a gentleman. Let him be a full-fledge suitor so you can be cherished. Don’t you want to be?

          Just tell him, “Thanks for offering. I’d love to get together but I just won’t be able to get away.”

          Then back off and be quiet. See if he steps up and offers to go to your town to take you out on a date. If he does, he is pursuing you. If not, he isn’t. Let him think it over and reply. Don’t say anything else.

          His next move is significant. And you want it to be HIS idea, not yours.

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