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When to Let Him Go and Move On

When a man does not pursue you.

When a man stops pursuing you.

When a man goes dutch.

When a man complains you make more money than him and you ought to pay.

When a man stops planning dates and taking you out.

When a man checks out other women when he’s with you.

When a man is rude.

When a man is cold and aloof.

When a man is abusive in any way.

When a man cheats on you or has a girlfriend or wife.

Leave these men alone.

If you are having a hard time letting someone go, you have MAN-ADDICTION. You need to get over him and detoxify in order to be emotionally healthy and available to meet someone who is better for you.

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  1. Siba permalink

    well, I should have moved on after 1.5 Months og on and off dating. He quickly moved on with other girls but my heart was stuck. So, 3.5 months later when I was stil stuck on him I thought of an excuse to see him again. And he sent me a message after that to make sure I understand: if he helps me it will only be in a ‘friend’ capacity.

    I had to learn these lessons again: if a guy does not contact you it means he is not interested. And to never go back to someone you once dated. And dont show romantic interest in.any guy that you are not dating.
    Yes, some lessons take a very long time before.they sink in.

  2. Ok, so I was A prize catch and implemented all your principles to the best of my ability, I made a few minor errors but nothing that took me off ‘prize catch territory”

    He was leaving our city and wanted to “enjoy each others beauty from a distance” or as you would put it, conveniently string me along with no commitment.

    so I texted him this:
    “The bottom line is you’re leaving and while I don’t want to raise your hopes or mine, the reality is We’re not committed to each other in any way. We both meet really amazing people in the adventure business whom we are free to move on with at any time so while I’d like to be naive and romantic about the whole thing because we’re hot for each other and compatible, we’ve got to be realistic. I’m actually ready for something long term with someone great, someone available, so the timing kinda sucks, don’t you think?”

    He was very sad but agreed that its true. and that we were two souls destined to meet for a set time to learn from each other.

    I set my standards and he wasn’t used to that which instilled respect in him for me.

    then the next day I sent him this, please tell me what you think? (Im a writer)

    “Does she scare you a little? Good. She should make you fear her love, so that when she lets you be a part of it, you won’t take it lightly. She should remind you of the power that beauty brings, that storms reside in her veins, and that she still wants you in the middle of it all. Do not take this soul for granted, for she is fierce, and she can take you places that you never thought you could go; but she is still loving in the midst of it all, like the calm rain after a storm, she can bring life. Learn her, and cherish her, respect her, and love her; for she is so much more than a pretty face, she is a soul set on fire.” ~ Unknown

    There’s nothing sexier than a man who is free-spirited, fearless, carefree and wild. A man who loves the wildness within his woman and knows when to tame her and when to set her free.
    A man who knows how to make a bad girl+good woman his Queen, lay down his armor, surrender his heart in her lap to love and caress before she makes heart stopping, back arching love to his body and soul that makes every love before look like practice.
    She longs for a man who makes sacrificing her sweet freedom worthwhile. She’s strong when alone and only seeks to get stronger with him by her side. She doesn’t need him or anyone, she wants him. She wants to be with someone who doesn’t fear loneliness either but who is afraid of losing her and because he can’t imagine standing next to anyone else.
    I want to fall for a man who knows that grown men cry, and tremble and that it is okay to feel scared about love, loss and loneliness. His brave vulnerability is what tenderly touches the deepest parts of me.
    This woman is not after half hearted love, grey, maybes, almosts and could’ve been.
    There’s passion, or there’s nothing. And I want the type that drips down backs and soaks sheets. The kind of love that only belongs to her and the passion she still feels between her legs the next day which only belongs to him.
    I want Someone who is not afraid to break down walls, tear down barriers and penetrate hard layers to get to my core.
    A man who is genuine, real and authentic and who wants to touch the naked truth, while not being afraid of what he might find.
    A million women can drop their panties at him but a man who sees me as the only prize, the only target worth chasing turns all other women into background. This woman is far from easy or cheap, she’s the real deal, the rare stuff and men burn for her.
    If She scares you, it’s because so much about her just feels so damn right.
    I know my worth baby so don’t think for one second that I’ll sell my self short on the love I truly deserve.
    I need to be pursued, hunted down like a thousand wolves at sunset, until I can feel your hunger in my veins and the heat of your desire on my skin. If you’re brave enough to feel like you deserve this kind of love then you’ll find a way to make it yours.
    Because a man could never love a woman like her until he opens himself up to his own greatness and he will show you the bravery of a man who never fears the intensity of her gaze and challenges her to the edge of her madness with his.
    A man who has a heart of soft gold a kind soul a brave spirit clothed in solid iron gorgeousness and a dirty mind filled with her fantasies where he takes her when he enters her to places she’s never been.
    Not every man can love like this as not every woman. But when he shows up there will be no mistaking the fierceness in his eyes or the fire in his touch, the strength in his arms that claim me as his or the hunger in his kiss for what only I can give. He will know it, I will know it deep in my bones, there will be no question of his intentions in my mind, he would rather be put into a woodchipper than break my heart and he will leave no room for doubt that he is ‘The One’.
    Whats meant to be, will be.
    By Qudsia Mall

    • Aqua/Qudisa,

      I’m very sorry to hear about what happened to what sounds like an amazing but temporary relationship. It must feel devastating.

      You definitely are a writer. What a descriptively passionate expression of the intimate bonds between man and woman! I hope everyone gets to experience that kind of love. It obviously speaks to the truth of your soul. And if it doesn’t touch him now, it will one day if he ever looks back and discovers what he’s lost. It was probably very cathartic of you to write that.

      Sadly, the ending was to be expected when you stuck with him despite his lack of commitment. When you stay with a man who can’t commit, who will voluntarily abandon you for greener pastures, you are letting him know it is okay to do that. That is why when a man displeases you, you turn him down, and when he pleases you, you say yes. It’s a simple way of encouraging desired behavior.

      While I think it’s okay you sent that to him, I don’t know if it will change his mind if that is your hope. Only because he is the one who made the move to move away from you. When a man cherishes what he has, he will not want to lose it.

      This man might have been wonderful for the short time he was with you, but he will break the heart of any woman who wants more. That is a man who I consider a very dangerous creature. Buyer beware.

      Keep the fond memories you had with him because after all, not every person has experienced that kind of love. But learn that you owe it to your tender heart not to invest your time and emotions in a non-committal type who has the power to inflict a lot of pain.

      • Hi One Truth,

        Thank you for your awesome response. firstly, I must clarify that I only knew this guy for a week and we had a mental/spiritual connection via conversation mainly and never shared the physical aspect that I’ve written about. I let him know at the end of the week when it was clear he was leaving that I won’t settle. Thats what i meant by “Timing kinda sucks” because we met AFTER he had already planned his trip. I never stuck with him at all thank God, yes a dangerous creature indeed.

        We both agreed that we met for a reason, even if briefly so. I told him I was a writer and that he inspired me to write that, which is an intense piece but it has more to do with what I desire out of love than what we actually shared.

        He replied saying: “Wow Qudsia, this is beautiful, I needed to read this for so many reasons, a reminder of what its worth, thank you for sharing your soul sweet love”.

        I just hope I’ve still maintained prize catch repertoire by sharing that with him as I don’t and never have initiated contact.

        Thank you so much for taking the time and patience to respond. YOU. ARE. AWESOME!!!

        • carpe diem permalink

          I hope you don’t mind me chiming in. Very beautiful feelings Qudsia! We all hope for love like that. To me however, it was pretty intense for knowing someone just a week. I would think that would scare him further away. Im wondering what you think about this “The One”. I guess I feel like that because it would completely freak me out if I was on the receiving of this beautiful piece and knowing someone just a week. I don’t put myself out there like that so maybe that is a problem within myself. So, is it a good thing to put yourself out there so intensely so soon? Or is it better to not be so honest with your feelings?

          • My sentiments exactly, I really effed up, haven’t I? which is why I sought clarity here. Crap!

            • carpe diem permalink

              No you didn’t eff up because prize catches don’t feel that way 🙂 I think The one is trying to say a prize catch doesn’t act like one, she is one. Ya know what I mean. So, you would be feeling the way you are now, “effing up” if you really consider yourself to be a prize. You don’t have time for that. You have too many things going on and lots to do besides worrying about a guy you don’t really know. I responded because I see so many woman putting themselves out there to different degrees and I don’t. Im not cold and will be nice but so many of my friends tell me to put myself more out there, as in approaching. So just kind of curious to what the “Mr One” will say. I think he’s a guy. He has too much insight about how they think to not be one but who knows. So you were honest with how you feel which is good, thats one step up from me. I just don’t think you need to anymore with this one, I think he knows.

          • Carpe Diem,

            I think it’s best to first, take as much notice in what a guy does NOT do as in what a guy DOES do. Most of the time women are noticing what he texts, when he texts, what he says, and how he acts.

            But equally important is what he does NOT say and does NOT do. If a guy is NOT asking you out, making you his exclusive girlfriend, and making plans for the future to be with you, then he does not deserve your emotional investment.

            Unfortunately, it can be very easy and fast to build up hope and fantasy even upon meeting a guy ONCE, if he matches a certain image you have already. It just doesn’t take long for many women to go from zero interest to 100% full-on-head-over-heels “THIS IS THE ONE”.

            Therefore, to avoid premature emotional investment that can be devastating, a Prize Catch should avoid putting herself out there intensely now, later, or ever. A guy is either interested or not. There is no gray area. He is either stepping up or stepping off. You only need to deal with the ones that are stepping up.

        • You’re awesome too! Well, the connection must have been supremely intense if it caused you to write that after only a week! Lots of things go into such electric encounters. One of them is our pent-up hopes and fantasies. When someone comes along at a certain time when we have a specific need they fill, it’s fireworks. That is why every relationship always begins with sizzle and sparks, with few of them ending in marriage, and with over half of the marriages ending in divorce.

          How could such amazing experiences with someone so wonderfully compatible end up so badly? For many reasons. But one of then is the blinding aspect of love, in the sense that we “see” what we dearly wish to see, and the other person happily give us what we want to see because they want to please us — and vice versa. Unfortunately, they can’t sustain the giving.

          Sounds like what you wrote touched his heart, but if it didn’t, he wouldn’t say so. He wouldn’t hurt your feelings unnecessarily. So at the end, it doesn’t matter how he feels about what you wrote. Because no one knows the truth except himself. Does he still think you’re a Prize Catch? Well, he probably thinks you are — just for some other guy. Just like how you can see that a nice guy would be great for a girl, just not you. Because if you thought a nice guy could be great for you, you would make sure to stick around!

          That’s great you didn’t initiate. However, if you read my EGuides, you will know that being a Prize Catch also involves having enough confidence in your own worth where you can let a guy go if he wants to go. You wouldn’t need to change his mind about you. If he doesn’t feel the same way, he SHOULD go. This doesn’t mean it wouldn’t hurt, just that you aren’t interested in being abandoned.

          Women who tolerate abandonment always pine after men who either can’t commit or are unavailable. I’m glad you won’t settle, and that makes you a Prize Catch once and for all!

          • Thank you Carpe diem and One Truth, your time and counsel has been really beneficial in helping me understand how he may have perceived what I’ve done. A guys perception is everything and I understand why we shouldn’t let on our deep emotional yearnings, but lately I’ve been watching a lot of Ted X and learning about vulnerability by Brene Brown, she says the bravest thing you can do to let love in is open yourself up to it, the greater the risk the greater the reward or consequently, heartache.

            I wrote the piece and decided to send it to him in the spirit of opening up and being vulnerable again to let love in as opposed to being cold, aloof, stand offish and closed up. I don’t think it was the wisest decision but I did feel that I had set him free and he knew I had let him go becasue I have standards and wont settle for crumbs, and I just wanted him to leave while knowing me and maybe for once I just wanted to be seen and I didn’t care if it scared him or if he’d never return because it was more about me being real, authentic and being truly seen for once.

            Does that make sense.

  3. Sarah permalink

    So why did he act the way he did in the begning? He said he was trying… was he? Could he have feelings for me but can’t be with me so he put me in the friend zone? Or are you saying what he said while he was drunk, was the truth? Because he’s also told me he loves me, that I’m his girlfriend… I am left very confused as to what has happened… in de estates of course but I don’t know what was real.

  4. Belinda permalink

    Thank you! He’s not going to step up. Over it.

  5. Karto permalink

    Dear the one

    I met this guy 6 years ago .we meet almost every week, text a lot but we had to live in different place cause he had to move to other state cause his job for 3 years. He asked me to visit him and promised to get plane ticket but i had not had achance cause my job and my situation.Hennormally visited me 3 times a year . Suddenly he asked me if i wanted to get marrige someday and i said yes . He asked me to moved but i said i would if i could cause of my situation n afraid of loosing job cause not easy for me to get a job . He told me he was lonly then a years later i got email from other women telling me to stop connect and text him and she mentions to me she is his gf and been living together for 2 months and they been dating for 6 months . I was shock and asked about . First he said he just dated new girl but then i told him she send me email and i send her email to him. Then he explained to me that she is not his gf when i asked about him. So far i knew that women moved from his house a month later.

    Two years later he came back and we live in the same city . I accept him and accept his apology cause i love him much. Finally he bought new house a years a go and give me house key. We continues meeting at his place at least once week , we talk about do we all want marriage , etc.But everything seem changed since 3 months ago. He always make an excuse to delayed the meeting so , we only meet 2 times in 2 months.I felt something not right. I was shock found woman cosmetic bag in his bathroom but then he mention belong to his mom. I found jewely received dated 4 monts ago, i found other hairs female in the bathroom each time i go there. I found food that he admid did not eat anymore in his kicthen . Finally we made a plans to see a months a go but i said i had to go to other state cause my boss on vacation and taking me and working there while they in different state. He said ok and he told me he will travel too . I came back 8 days later but i got sick for a week so i did not see him. Suddely he told me he will getting roomate so i wonder why, i asked did he know tht girl he said he met her long a go and i had started to wonder cause i found a lot evident few months before and in my mind i doubt whose that girl and i do not think he want to rent it cause of money so far i knew he got enought money to live and has 3 houses and two of them already rented. So i asked him question is he in special relationship with her , i told him to tell me the truth and he said no, not that i know off but maybe later . So, i asked him again, are you willing to dated her ?, he did not answer and i explaint to him if his answer yes, it will hurt my feeling more cause i apolpgy him when he hurt me the first time and still accept him but i will walk a way as long as made him happy with her even my heart broken , i also sent him all evident i saw at his house .He did not answer but he said she canceled and he said he is so happy. A days later we met but he went out and come home drunk.He was drunk and become so rude.It bit upset me cause i ‘ve never seen him so rude since we met.I was shock to see other women hair pin on the side bed where i usually sleep and some new stuff in the kitchen which he never have it so far and i see thing different in his draw seem like other women the one fold and aranged his clothes. I asked about that women again and he was so emotional ,” he just try to help her “,he said but he mention to me that women found other place. I try to open up by asking don’t you want to rent your place to me, i was just testing him and he said its not a good idea to have roomates. Then i wrote email to him telling him i am not going to beg and asking to stay or live with him unless he sincerely offer me and i mention to him i am not type of women who like to deppended on someones else.Since then he does not text me as usuall like dailly basis, sometimes i text him taking so long to replay and sometimes not answer at all even just to say hi or how are you. I love this guy much, i deeply in love with him since i met but i feel confuse and soubt now. We meet almost once a week this monts but i feel sometihing changed. Two days a go he told me to bring other women at his house and asked me to be with that women and i said no, i explaint to him i am not lesbian. His reason is to make his p harder for me. He had hard time to turned on last time we met, i understand cause i stay with him not just for sex. I did not know why he asked that. I told him before i went to gay club cause attending my boss birthday pary , i just tried to respect my boss but i am not lesbian. I do not know his real reason asking to bring other girl cause of what but i asked him is that offend him he said no and it’s ok.

    I am confuse and doubt about him now, i was thinking and want him tobe my last love but with all of this i am not sure anymore.Should i just return his key and move on or waith for him to ask it back. It ‘s really hard to just forget him and let him go but it still hurt me and i doubt if all will work ok after all of this.will you give me idea which one better and what should i do. Just to let you know he married before but end up divorce and i asked him the reason why cause his ex too bossy.should i trust him?

    • Karto,

      Of course you should not trust him. He has not earned it. He has proved to you he has no respect for you (or himself) by bringing over other women, by asking you to do sex acts with other women, and by not being exclusive with you. To me, there is no confusion. Only all the signs of a man who just wants to play around.

      A man who can’t commit to one woman is a man afraid of intimacy. He spreads his attention around to multiple women so he can remain superficial and not grow as a person. A committed relationship helps us grow as we connect more deeply. Those fearful of a deep connection with another person will always be starved, but the only way they can feed themselves is to try to get their emotional needs met through multiple people.

      But just as group conversations can never go as deep as one-on-one, group relationships are the same way. People who either do serial dating or have multiple partners have problems with facing their emotions, and won’t stop seeking different people to feel good even if it doesn’t work.

      Give back his keys, and don’t be in contact with him anymore. Focus on loving yourself enough to meet a guy who respects you and is not scared of commitment and intimacy.

      • Karto permalink

        Dear the one

        Thank for giving me some advices, that will help me to realized and understand a lot .
        I was thinking he might did that cause afraid being failed and get hurted cause i just found out he had two diamond enggagement ring with different sizes , one of them pretty much expensive with about 2 karat diamond with the year before met me and other one with small diamond but a lot pieces , it look like new but i do not see when was bought,but i saw for months ago the receive was somewhere in the house but not sure for that or others thing.

        I was texting last night asking what was he doing and he explained to me driving and just back from movie and then i asked him back by himself he said no, a date. I was confused what he said so i asked again do you have new gf or gf ? No, he said. So i asked other question was she the one who own hair pin the one i saw at his side bed ? I sent that hair pin picture to him too and he replied with 🙂 and said he the one put it there. I was wondering that time was he trying to make me jealous or he put it there cause just try to keep it cause belong to other women who he might want to be with ,so i asked him question : whose that belong to ? He suddenly replied and said he did not like my question and i told him just wondering and asked him the reason why he put it there but he said to me that we should not see each other again and he mention to me it is not good for him and me to continue even i said i will let him be with other women and i will walk out from his life if that true as long as made him happy even my heart hurt. Then i pretended to ask him did he want his key back and i will return it to him but he never replay and answer that question.

        I feel sad each time i remember all of this but then when i realized i deppresed more being with him while knowing his behaved. Just to let you know he drink more and sometimes drunk the last few years he told me that time because of the women he used to have affair with. He told me a bad thing about the women he cheated before by saying that women was rude and crazy but i did not understand he still keep the gift from her ( art wall made by her for what nice thing he done for that saying one star can change light , one light can change the world ,one heart can change life.) he keep that art the one from her and hang it in the kitchen counter, so i wonder why he said bad thing about her but still keeping thing from her even hang it so i can see it. It bit hurt me sometimes to see all of that. I just found out recently the women who attact me with email and told me stay away from him just got married with millioner.

        I think you might right i should never contact her anymore but how do i return his key, he did not even replay when i asked him did he want his key back . For sure i still have a hard time to see him again cause my hearth broken and hurth much.

        • Karto,

          If he doesn’t care about the key, then there’s no need to contact him again. Consider that a good-bye. Or, you can mail him the key.

          Right now you have to make an important decision: to choose what you want out of this life. Do you want to constantly be hurt by a man? Do you want to alway be suspicious and filled with anxiety and anger that he is up to no good? Because this man is obviously not able to be in a committed relationship with one woman.

          Remember, it is better to be single than to be miserable in a relationship. A relationship with a man who isn’t able to commit guarantees pain. If you’re miserable as a single, at least you have yourself to depend on and one person’s problems are easier to solve than two people’s problems.

          I hope you make the right move for yourself!

  6. Belinda permalink

    The other day he asked about a ring I was wearing on my left hand ringfinger! It was an initial ring…but not one of my initials. Just an initial of the the designer of the ring. Anyway. I let him look at it. And he was looking at it and gave it back to me. I didn’t explain that my good friend was the designer and that’s why I am wearing the initial. I kind of was surprised he singled out my ring and wanted to ask me about it. He probably thought it was a boyfriend ring. Lol. So he was very curious about it. He’s a super nice guy. I think shy and/or not totally sure about pursuing for lots of reasons. My expectations were really the problem. At this point I just admire him as a person, but not sure if I want to date him. Of course, I’d be lying if i said that I wouldn’t be a little sad/jealous if He started dating some other girl.

    • Belinda,

      It’s best to be completely honest about your feelings. The more you deny, the more the feelings will intensify and cause you more confusion. So it’s fine to admit you would be sad or jealous, and that you enjoy his attention, or that you would say yes if he asked you out. And why wouldn’t you say yes since you do like him?

      There is nothing wrong with admitting how you feel about someone, whether or not he is pursuing you. However, you want to be realistic, and knowing he has only flirted and done nothing to step up, you have to henceforth write him off (not be rude, just accept there is nothing more and move on).

      Do only what is good for you!

  7. Belinda permalink

    Yeah. He still hasnt asked or made any significant attempts to engange me. I think he got spooked by revealing too much admiration and now back tracking. I’m now turned off. Haha. But still friendly. A little annoyed actually. But that is bc I started having and expectation…but i think it was warranted bc of his flirty behavior. Oh well.

    • Belinda,

      It makes sense you’re a little annoyed and even turned off. I don’t know if it would make you feel better but he would have been this way even if you had no expectations. (Perhaps that’s just what he does.) It’s just that you wouldn’t be as aware of any changes in his behavior. Flirting is just flirting, and assuming nothing will come of it is really the best way to look at it!

      Engage without investing…

  8. Sarah permalink

    I have a question about a dating situation that I am
    in. I believe he is unavailable, I met him nine years ago and we were dating he lives in the United
    States I live in Canada so it was a long distance he went down a bad path
    back then and we just kind of stopped talking and went our separate ways
    nine years later we’ve reconnected and have been seeing each other again I
    go down to the states to visit him because he’s not allowed to cross the
    border,over the years since we’d stop talking he has three kids with three
    different women, and says he thinks there’s something wrong with hi because
    it never works out, the last relationship he was in was five years and he
    had a daughter with her she cheated on him moved the man in and kicked him
    out of the house he was single for about 6 to 7 months and then we started
    talking again. In the beginning he was texting face timing and calling quite
    a bit and I was really excited because to me he was always the one that I
    had wanted to be with. I’ve been going down to the states and we’ve been
    spending time getting to know each other he says that he is very
    apprehensive about being in a relationship again and that the others haven’t
    worked out so he’s very apprehensive about doing it all over again and it
    not working I’ve asked him if he would be in a relationship with me and he
    said yes because he thinks that I’m a great person he’s just very cautious.
    All he does is party drinks and does drugs and hangs out with friends he
    doesn’t have a stable home since being kicked out of his old house he
    doesn’t make much money but he doesn’t really try to do anything about it he
    just wants to have fun. I’m just wondering if he’s ever going to be ready he
    says that he will be and I know that he can do relationships I just don’t
    know is it me or is he really just not ready. He’s introduced me to all his
    friends he’s introduced me to his work and his managers he’s introduced me
    to his daughter’s mom who seems to be happy that he’s hanging out with
    somebody like me because I’m a positive person in his life. When I’m down
    there he tells his friends that I’m pretty much his girlfriend and that
    we’re pretty much together, that he’s going to marry me and have kids with
    me but then other times he doesn’t act that way he doesn’t say those things
    he’s very back-and-forth with it I feel like he wants it but he’s scared and
    then he just backed down. Am I dealing with an unavailable man? Any advice
    would be great full, I’ve thought about him over the years and never got
    over him.

    • Sarah,

      You are absolutely dealing with an unavailable man. An available man is someone who is not only physically capable of showing up in your life, but who is also emotionally available. He has not shown that because he has not been consistent with his exes, with whom he had kids with, or with you, with whom he hopefully for your sake will not have kids with.

      Inconsistency is a sign of his lack of commitment to taking care of his life, as seen in his inability to stop partying, stay off drugs, get a stable job, and thus be a provider for his three children.

      He backs out a lot because he lacks the emotional stability to be in a relationship. He didn’t have anything to offer his exes in this regard, and just because a different woman enters his life doesn’t mean he will change.

      Do not believe for one second that you carry a magic wand that other women don’t possess that give you the power to change him. Men are not for women to do anything about. Self-transformation is THEIR job, not yours. Men are not a project.

      You’ve so far spent years thinking about him and money travelling to see him. Hopefully I have presented a strong enough case to show you how much work he needs to be doing on himself before he can even entertain the idea of entering a relationship with a woman — any woman. No matter how wonderful you may be, there is nothing you can do to make him become the boyfriend you need. He has to make all the changes.

      Until he makes substantial changes in himself and his life, do not wait for him. He has irresponsibly impregnated three different women without being able to make it work with any one of them. That, and not how cute or attractive he is, should be the proof you need to stop wasting time on him.

      Now, Miss Prize, sear these words deeply into your being: his inability to be with you does not mean you are not worthy. His deficiencies are a reflection of himself, not you. You are still a PRIZE regardless of what he does or doesn’t do. You’re just focusing on the wrong guy. The right guy will be ready, able, and willing.

      • Sarah permalink

        Thank you that’s what I was going to ask,what makes him unavailable? Would it be from his past hurt from the relationship he had with his ex who he had a daughter with he seemed to really want it to work and is quite bitter that it hasn’t he has a lot of resentment towards his ex even though he still very friendly with her and her new boyfriend. He has said that he knows he’s not ready and he is very apprehensive about getting into a relationship and that it wouldn’t be fair to any future partner, I just wasn’t sure if it was me or if this is a pattern and he really is emotionally unavailable. I know I deserve better but I do care about him so what is the next step he doe I know I deserve better but I do care about him so what is the next step? if I text or call will he push away more is it that push Pull scenario? The more I pursue him the more he pushes away how do you deal with something like this I don’t completely want him out of my life I don’t think he wants me completely out of his if he’s texting me I don’t want to not answer. I’ve read other articles where you just let them be and then if they come to you don’t be negative or demanding or pushy. Does he or did he have actual feelings for me? I really do care about him.

        • Sarah,

          When a man is unavailable, there is nothing you can do to change it no matter what the reasons are. Usually the reasons are due to an upbringing that didn’t show him what a healthy relationship is, such as having had abusive or absent parent(s). Family upbringing is the single biggest influence on a child.

          Sadly, caring about him is not going change him or the situation. The next step for you is to let him go and move on. Hopefully meet a guy who is available.

          However, like many, it sounds like you aren’t ready to accept the truth of what he is telling you, which is that he is not ready. Even his actions correspond to this fact. What makes you think you know him better than he knows himself?

          You have to find the courage to put your foot down and stop taking his calls. Remember, a woman who knows what she deserves wouldn’t keep this going — a situation that is going nowhere.

          If you don’t want him out of your life completely, then that is your lesson to learn. Some women recognize the futility of dealing with an unavailable guy and will find a way to move on. Others need to continue in order to get the lesson hammered into their head, as harsh as it sounds. Your case is the latter, and you will therefore, due to wanting an unavailable man to meet your emotional needs, be experiencing more and more pain.

          Red flags are when a man shows a woman he is not right for her, yet she still continues with him. Pain comes inevitably, and it finally dawns upon the woman that this doesn’t work and there has got to be something better out there. After the constant experiencing of pain dealing with this, she finally learns and manages to move on for good.

          Some women never move on, no matter how difficult and painful it gets.

          You have to decide which woman you will be. Just a tip on life: learning from pain shouldn’t have to be the first resort. Learning from common sense or from other people’s suffering is better. However, if you have to experience pain to learn, which seems to be the case for you regarding an unavailable man, then that’s what you will do. For many, more and more pain is the only way to finally learn to let go of an unavailable man.

          I urge you to get my EGuides (especially the EGuide “Get Over Him & Detoxify”) to thoroughly educate yourself on the principles that will save you from much misery. Even if you can’t move on from this guy, you owe it to yourself to fundamentally rewire your thinking so that one day you will be equipped to do so.

          • Sarah permalink

            Well I guess I should have listened. I went to see him and stay with him for a few days. Any sign of him having any kind of feelings have left. I got tired of the mixed signals and flat out asked him if he had feelings for me, he said no.. He looked sad. I then got upset because his previous behaviour made it seem otherwise, even when saying he doesn’t want a relationship.. I asked him why he said and acted the way he did. He said at first it was drunken joking, I then said you don’t joke like that, he said he knows. Then he said he was trying. I asked him if he liked me, he said how can he like someone when he doesn’t even like himself….he said he knows I’m in love with him he just can’t have those feelings about someone and kept saying, just be my friend..
            I’m extremely upset but I’m going to do my best to move on. I don’t know if I believe him, as silly as it sounds… I don’t have a negative gut feeling…. I’m just sad.

            • Sarah,

              What he told you was truthful as well as hurtful. Very painful, indeed.

              You’ve spent a lot of time developing strong feelings for him. With these feelings are expectations, hope, and belief that he is someone you can be with. Those things are not easy to dismantle quickly. So give yourself a lot of space and time to grieve over the loss of the fantasy of who he is. He isn’t what you dreamed of at all. And that is very sad, and you deserve empathy and compassion.

              Meanwhile, remember that the more you stay in touch with him, the more you strengthen those false hopes and beliefs. So you want to do the kind thing for yourself by disconnecting from him as much as possible. Start shortening your conversations, if you can’t stop all contact. Eventually, let no contact be your goal. You can’t be “friends” with him. Maybe after you get happily married one day and he calls you, you can ask how he is. But that’s about it.

              I’m glad to hear you will do your best to move on. Accept that you will feel sad for a time. You will feel all sorts of emotions perhaps. But this is your time to grieve and let go.

              The EGuide “Get Over Him & Detoxify” shows you many creative ways to move on. Doing the exercises in there is a way to focus on the process of moving on to a better place instead of HIM.

            • Sarah permalink

              Sarah on October 7, 2016 at 1:29 pm
              So why did he act the way he did in the begning? He said he was trying… was he? Could he have feelings for me but can’t be with me so he put me in the friend zone? Or are you saying what he said while he was drunk, was the truth? Because he’s also told me he loves me, that I’m his girlfriend… I am left very confused as to what has happened… I’m devestated of course but I don’t know what was real. Is he unavailable to anyone or would it just be me?

            • Sarah,

              It doesn’t matter what he says because talk is cheap. What he does or does not do shows you the answer, which is that he is unavailable. If being with a guy makes you confused and heartbroken, he has nothing to offer but pain. So regardless of what he says, you have to decide if more pain is what you want and deserve. This is all this man can offer you.

  9. Belinda permalink

    He was a lot more distant today. Saw me and just waved. Didn’t event try to talk to me. So yeah, you’re advice is good. Nothing means anything until it does. Sigh.

    • Belinda,

      Wow, that’s why you can never really tell without what I call proof of interest. Bravo for sticking to your guns. It can be a bit disappointing but you have to be glad you didn’t do anything regretful or cause any awkwardness between you two. As far as he is concerned, you are approachable and he is still comfortable around you. Meanwhile, you can move on. You’re in a good position to be in!

  10. Belinda permalink

    Thanks for your great response! Exactly on target. I will act nist normal. I could easily see him as just a friend. I don’t have a crazy crush on him. Also, he is older and it seems well into permanent bachelorhood….he isn’t the type to ask out a lot of girls. So the chances are he won’t ask me out! I am very intuitive and can almost always tell if someone will ask me out….but like you said… Until it happens it hasn’t happened. There is no point in cluttering my brain with such thoughts or letting his perceived behavior effect my way of acting. I definitely don’t want to become a blushing school girl or seen as presumptuous! Thanks for the advice! He’s just friendly for now 😉

    • Belinda,

      You’re welcome. Glad you are able to see clearly and recognize the best course of action!

  11. Belinda permalink

    This guy at work is always doing nice things for me and emails me on the work email. We’ve had a couple of obviously flirty moments at the workplace. He’s been trying to say I can text him if I want….which is really dumb since I don’t have his number and he doesn’t have mine (that I know of, haha). So, it’s a way to obtain my number under friendly/co-worker pretenses. The last few weeks I think he’s been “working up” to asking me out, based on hanging around, acting nervous/strange around me, flirting. But a part of me thinks he’s still not going to ask me out for whatever reason. I’ve been debating about whether I should go out with him (even though generally opposed to dating at work). I’m stressing out over a situation that may never even happen. Should I just stay polite and professional? I am not sure if I want to discourage him or encourage him. Dating at work it like a majorly bad idea, right?

    • Belinda,

      That’s why by regarding him only as friendly and nothing else, as in my latest post “Friendly Men”, you’re essentially freeing yourself from the trap of wondering and worrying. Telling you to text him and acting nervous are insufficient to indicate interest (read False Indicators of a Man’s Interest).

      Perhaps he will ask you out, but until then, all you have is speculation and your own imagination. Maybe you have a gut feeling or you are highly intuitive. However, until it happens, it’s all conjecture, floating around in the realm of infinite possibilities.

      Possibilities do not get the woman a date and a relationship. Actualities do. So by showing up at work and being friendly, polite, or professional to him (your choice), and ignoring everything else, you are actually saving yourself much time and emotional investment.

      I believe dating should be free of anxiety and pain — minimized at least. So if he doesn’t strike your fancy, or if dating at work is off-putting to you, make your choice and go about your business. You can always change your mind and accept his date if he ever musters up the courage to ask you out.

      Interpreting a man’s behavior is not always accurately done, no matter how seasoned the woman or sure she is. Who knows what is holding him back, since you aren’t being aloof and rude to him. A man feels encouraged to ask a woman out when she is engaging and warm. Some men are bold enough without engagement and warmth. But if a man can land a job, he can land a woman. Give him that credit, and keep going. You don’t want to sit there looking at him expectantly for a date every time he appears.

      Don’t dash your hopes by expecting, but if you are attracted to him enough and think it’s safe to date a guy at work, let him step up. Meanwhile, you can get to know him better on the sidelines and perhaps will get a better idea if it’s a good idea at all.

  12. Keeping my head up for my son in life trying and heal in ways of a better dad cus I knw my mother pass at my age as my son is of age three (dad left us went out st too much on this wht jst move on I have many offers won’t take them how will I knw when I be ready love again? Or

  13. 14 yrs he left me and son went out St and tlks crap n no I thank he never loved me? Y now he leave ??? Mark Thomason don’t care give name out he hurts in are harts all times!!

  14. gina permalink

    Hi, I just recently discovered this blog and I just love it. thank you!

    I met a guy online 9 months ago, we live in different countries. During the first few weeks he contacted me incessantly, was needy, looking for attention and affection etc. told me all about his life….asked little about mine (pink flag). about a month later he started hinting here and there that he had a friend coming over for dinner and he might get lucky! (darker pink flag). his profile was online and very active i.e. logging in every day! he kept asking me to come over to his country, i never did go. one day HE initiates a text, with some dramatic story, to which I replied lets talk over skype…his reply: cant talk now, there is a woman in my bed right now…ehm (red flag). i disappeared and a few days later he texts, i feel you are drifting away! anywhooo… i kept my distance and one day asked him soooooo how is your love life? at first he hesitated then opened the flood gates about allll these women he has been hooking up with!

    and refering to me as oh you are such a goood friend…nobody understands me… lol this was during month 3. frankly i stopped taking him seriously after that … and one day actually told him off big time because our conversations were becoming only about this woman or that woman… on top of that, he was soooo nasty talking about these women he had …supposedly… had sex with.
    he got angry with me and gave me the silent treatment for a couple of months… phew
    two months ago he hoovers back with a I miss you and forgive me mushy gushing text… and yet continued behaving like a jerk, almost as if he had to teach me a lesson for having dumped him so to speak. now he had been practically begging me to go visit him. one day i asked well why dont you come over? he replied, well, there is this work thing i might habe to go to near you, but im not sure if the trip is worth it! he then continues to flirt …telling me he loves me etc… just a week after saying these things, he travels with one of his ladies… tells me about it while he is boarding the plane. note i live three hours flight from him, he is on a trip to a city ten hours flight away.
    I told him to have a lot of fun and that he should actually marry her… her name comes up very often among his stories…by the way, he was super nasty about her at some point too.

    sorry for this long post..I would like him to stop contactingme once and for all…and I would like to have your ideas about how to do it in such a way like its his idea. when i dump him, he just keeps coming back…like a blood thirsty vampire.

    purple flag.
    all these flags are waving madly in front of me, i cant seem to just get those flags off their masts and stab him with it!

    • Gina,

      It seems like as much as you abhor hearing from him, you also keep listening to him, to the point where you are angry and fed up.

      Why try to skirt the issue? You can’t live life avoiding responsibility to stand up for you. You can’t avoid hurting someone’s feelings when he crosses the line with inappropriate behavior.

      Just tell him, “I don’t want to listen to all the torrid details of your rendezvous with women anymore. They are making me extremely uncomfortable. Therefore, I will not be taking your calls or text. Please stop contacting me from now on or you will be blocked.”

      If he tries to argue with you or change your mind, just say, “My decision is final. I wish you the best. Good-bye.” And hang up.

      Don’t feel bad for stating the truth that is necessary to state. Not all truths should be told, such as when someone is fat, ugly, dumb, or anything that would make you rude to point out. But when someone is showing disrespect and making you uncomfortable, you should definitely state your case. You don’t have to shout, call names, or be mean. You just have to be matter-of-fact and sincere.

      If you can’t do this, you might hold the belief that you don’t deserve to stand up for yourself. This is something that needs to change if you ever want to establish healthy boundaries.

      Establishing healthy boundaries must absolutely be one of your life skills. The next time when your boundaries are violated (when someone is disrespectful to you), you will have to deliver the same message.

      Might as well start now. Don’t force yourself to tolerate bad behavior.

  15. Nixi permalink

    Hello there again, the one..

    I’d like to suggest a new topic for you to discuss, if you please, about long distance relationships, do’s and don’ts. When to stay or to move on.

    Lately, I’m into long distance relationships as I have been frequenting online dating sites. It worked for me just fine. I met this guy and we got a long just fine.. He’s a budding dj. He was so sweet and always have the right things to say to me. What I liked most about him was the part where he would call me every night just to talk about the recap of our every day. I have been led to believe that this might be something so I somehow got accustomed to this habit of ours but suddenly after 2 months of daily communication, he didn’t return my text but he saw it (i got seen zoned). So i confronted him after 1 week of no word from him, I said “Wow, I got seen zoned.” and after that he quickly responded and told me hey, im sorry i was so busy lately. I’m always at the studio recording, making music etc.. in fact I can show pics to prove it. Then he was saying like we can always talk and he aint going anywhere…

    After confrontation, he became his usual self again. He would check me out every day, asking how my day was etc… but the thing is, he lost his sweetness!!!! the intimacy i liked. He would always call me beautiful blabla and say sweet things and shit but now all of it was gone. Right now, I want to know if that’s a bad thing or not.. Not that im vain etc, but he lost the sweetness that i grew accustomed to. and worst we dont talk before going to bed anymore.

    Thanks and I hope you enlighten me on this just like what you did last time!

    • Nixi,

      The only long distance relationship I think is worth maintaining is one when the couple is apart due to work or other circumstances, not when neither has met each other yet or even dated.

      I say this because it is very hard to get to know someone who is far away. All you end up doing is building a fantasy of who he is, because you are forced to fill in the blanks. In long distance, it is hard for a man to pick you up and take you out consistently (unless he has his own private jet to whisk you away with).

      You need to meet a guy in person on dates, not spend time with him online or on the phone. Online and phone relationships are full of uncertainties and only waste time, even years of your life.

      Your guy realizes he cannot give you what you want, so that is why he has changed. I discourage you from getting emotionally involved in any man you don’t see in person on a regular basis. You don’t want to build hopes on a fantasy of something that may not be true and you have no way of verifying.

      No matter what a guy tells you, as long as he is not in front of you showing you he means what he says, there is nothing there. If you believe there is, you will end up physically alone night after night, risking him disappearing one day because he is too busy tending to his “real” relationship. You won’t be able to distinguish truth from lies.

      I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but if you want a relationship that works, you need to base it on reality, not fantasy. Long distance just isn’t realistic unless there is concerted effort on his part to date you consistently.

      Do’s: Meet men in person.

      Don’t’s: Stay in an online or phone relationship.

  16. Belleza permalink


    I met a guy online and we have been texting and talking back and forth for months. We live in different cities, but have made plans to “meet”when I come into his city next month. I know it’s hard because we have never actually met, but I find myself to be getting feelings for him, he has said the same thing to me. I find there are times where he disappears, or won’t return texts from me, I don’t want to come off looking like I’m chasing him, so I won’t text him, after days sometimes weeks I’ll get a text from him saying something like, I really like you. I get confused cause I can’t see how he could if he isn’t texting or calling me…I am not expecting to be his gf without even meeting him, I just don’t want to set myself up for being played or being hurt.

    I want him to respect me, so I don’t plan on sleeping with him once we do meet, he has said if things go well and we get along as good as we do when we talk, he wants to be with me. I am learning though he may have some baggage, as I got a message from someone saying they know him, and he’s a player, I can’t really get upset over it, because he is not my boyfriend, as of right now we just like each other, and live in different cities, he isn’t the only guy I’m talking too, but I find myself attracted to him the most. I’m thinking I should proceed with caution but I just wanted some outside advice.

    Thank you

    • Belleza,

      This guy is definitely wasting your time, especially if he doesn’t make the effort to visit you in your city first. The sperm must go to the egg, and when you are the one making effort, you are chasing him. Long distance is tricky and requires a guy to really step up in closing the physical distance and showing proof of interest.

      November might as well be the year 2068. If he isn’t intrigued enough by you to try to make things happen earlier, he isn’t interested enough. Don’t wait for him and don’t reply to him anymore. His good mornings and texts just keep you on a convenient leash so he feels desired by a female, meanwhile he doesn’t have to do anything to make anything happen with you.

      A few touches on a mobile keypad should not be constituted as effort to be your suitor. You deserve to be wined and dined this very weekend, not held hostage long distance and given hope.

      By emotionally bonding with him when he hasn’t even taken you out on a proper date makes you powerless. Learn how to be a Prize Catch now and take back your power. Get the EGuides today.

  17. Tanya permalink

    Hi The One,
    A few weeks ago I met this guy who is an applebee’s waiter and we had been texting each other like crazy. Anyhow the one text has haunted me for a few weeks now. He said I only date girls who want to have sex with me. I want to wait till I get married to have sex and he got mad at me. I miss his conversations over text. How to get over him?

    • Tanya,

      Has the dating scene today really come down to this? Wow. Remember, no guy would dare make such demands UNLESS there are plenty of girls willing to comply. A guy like him in the 1980’s would have been shunned. Girls in the 1950’s would have slapped his face!

      If you want to get married before having sex, such a male specimen should be an automatic turn-off.

      How much do you value yourself? If very little, then you will succumb to his antics and sense of entitlement to sex.

      Learn Prize Catch behavior so you don’t get blinded by attraction. You basically developed feelings for a guy who didn’t show any signs of interest. Find out in my EGuides exactly how he failed to convey interest in you and you will be able to spot a user like him a mile away.

      You will recognize such behavior as a nuisance instead of a turn-on. And he might gain respect for you just because you stand out from the salivating she-hordes he’s accustomed to dealing with.

      You can get over him if you really want to. Respect yourself first. Value yourself first. Miss doing self-loving and healthy things instead of missing him. I can think of a million ways to occupy yourself that has nothing to do with him! You can too. Get started!

      If texting is all it takes for you to bond with a guy, then it’s time for you to graduate from crumbs. Any one of the EGuides will show you how. It’s never too early to become a Prize Catch. It’s the beginning of a new lifestyle after all!

  18. Sara permalink

    Men are just selfish jerks. Enjoy your life, date them do NOT give them your heart until they have proven themselves do not invest too much too soon. Do what feels right for YOU and they will respect you for it. They under stand selfishness because that’s how they operate. Don’t dare think about what he’s feeling/doing/thinking/dreaming etc because it doesn’t matter. Unless you are a size 3 model they’re probably looking to upgrade always until they grow up and learn how and whom to fall in love with. It takes a looong time before they get to that point especially if they’ve been hurt a lot before you. Do not sympathize when they tell you their sob story of being hurt. Bad ones use this to hook you. So what if they’ve been hurt, haven’t we all been. Let him man up and recognize what a blessing he has before him in you. Always, always, always I repeat always keep dating and options open until he puts a ring on it. I love you isn’t enough. We women are too soft, too complaint too forgiving and make crazy excuses for them and then wonder why they don’t respect us and treat us well. Men want feminine strength. Beautiful, smart, feminine, and won’t take crap from them. Respect yourself and they’ll love you for it.

  19. Felicia permalink

    We have been going out for 5 months and we go out at least once a week one a regular basis. So far everything is sweet but he has a girlfriend and I am not sure where this is going. he said he is in the middle dilemma of letting me go out w other guys and at the sametime afraid of losing me to other guya. He is always asking me out. This is what i dont understand. Always making me happy and comforting me. What should I do? I somehow feel I am wasting my time with him. Thanks.

    • Mina permalink

      Girl, he is having his cake and eating it too, lol. He has a girlfriend? That’s all you need to know!

    • Felicia,

      As long as you agree to be with him, you are okay with crumbs from a cheater. What should you do? Figure out if you value integrity in a man and go from there. Just remember he can easily make time for a third woman and cheat on the two of you. How would that feel?

      For a lot more detailed information specific to your situation, I urge you to get your secret weapon in dating and relationships when you Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to help you further!

  20. Dear The One
    What if a man is treating you well, pursuing you, has committed to an exclusive relationship and is a great boyfriend, is in love but even after some time does not bring up marriage? What if the woman is ready to get married and is sure that she loves the man and wants to be with him and marry him? What should she do? If a man isn’t asking for marriage yet, does that mean he isn’t ready or he doesn’t want to get married to HER-despite the fact that everything is going well in the relationship and it is progressing? If he didn’t want marriage eventually, I don’t think a woman should bother to be in a relationship with him because they obviously want different things but if he does want marriage eventually but hasn’t brought it up specifically in the course of the relationship, what is a woman to do? How does one know that a man will propose or when it is time to move on, if at all? Are some guys simply very slow in pursuing? How does one differentiate between a stringer and a true suitor? I know a Prize Catch would never propose to a man. I feel that hinting, giving ultimatums etc. are all demeaning and seldom lead to getting what a woman wants-marriage. Besides if a woman has to “convince” and “coax” a man into marrying her, what is the point? Why marry a man who does;t WANT to be married to her? But its really confusing when a man is in love and everything is great but it is not clear when he will propose or if at all. What if it is all an act on his part?

    • Kishmisherie,

      Great questions! Some men may not believe in the institution of marriage. Usually they reveal this some time during the dating process or after they become exclusive. Others drag their feet and hope you don’t bring it up — EVER. It all depends on how badly you want to be in a relationship. It’s your choice to be with a guy regardless of whether he marries you are not, or if you must absolutely be married to stay with him.

      You can find the rest of your questions answered in the EGuide “Be a Prize Catch Girlfriend”. I think you will find it very useful and handy!

  21. monalisa permalink

    So are you suggesting NO Conversations between dates when a couple has agreed to be sexually exclusive??

    Ive been dating this guy for 3 months that works a lot and we’ve only been on 4 dates. I feel disappointed in the lack of communication between dates and I don’t even want to respond to his texts.

    I know he is trying to sort out whether he wants to make a long term commitment because he is totally into me when we are together. I’m always running from relationships if the man isn’t more consistent. ie contacting me daily, texting, professing his feelings, etc. Honestly I’m tired of running and thinking maybe less is more. *le sigh*

    • Dear Monalisa,

      Thanks for writing!

      I caution against chatting between dates as sometimes that keeps a man from stepping up to initiate another date. The man just wants to get to know you. If he doesn’t have to take you out to get to know you, that’s fine by him.

      This doesn’t have to be so tiring for you. As a PRIZE, you let the guy do the running — toward YOU.

      There’s more to all of this I’d like to share with you in detail and in depth, if you’ll let me guide you as you navigate these waters.

      For a lot more info, Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to assist you!

      The One

  22. Kiki permalink

    The One,
    Thank you so much for taking time to respond! You seem to always have such solid advice:)

  23. Hope permalink

    The One,

    I need your advice please. I have posted many times on this blog before about a guy I had met online a year and 2 months ago and that we were currently hanging out still. He is yet to ask me for an exclusive relationship, which may be in January 2014 (he indicated). I have been unsure about being with him from the start and still I’m not sure, not because anything is wrong with him- he is great, understanding, etc. In my faith I believe that I am to receive an answer whether this man is the one for me. By the way, I am only interested in being in a relationship if it is to lead to marriage. I recently talked to a friend about the situation and she told me that I may have gotten the answer, that is, that I am not supposed to be with him, because I am still unsure after all this time and perhaps I don’t want to accept that the answer is no. In other words, my unsureness could mean the answer is ‘he is not the one for you’.

    My problem is that I have become emotionally attached to him and I am not sure how to end whatever it is that we have going. I am actually feeling really down about it and don’t want to because in my past I have rushed into relationships (not being a prize catch though) and rushed out after I became bored, or I felt i didn’t have the same feelings anymore and I am tired of hurting men. Hence one of the reason I didn’t want to rush in with this guy. This current guy is really great and I don’t want to hurt him. We also made plans for the next 2 months already and Christmas is his favourite time of year, our birthdays are the next month- so it is supposed to be happy time. One of the plan is for me to visit his church for the first time, and I deep down don’t want to meet his church family if I am not going to be with him. It will look bad.

    My questions are:
    Should I be sure by now?
    How to come out?
    What do I say to him?
    Can I still be friends with him?
    How can I know the difference between feeling lonely and wanting to be with someone compared to wanting to be with a particular person?

    Bearing in mind that our relationship involved hanging out everywhere (malls, movies, home, park, church, picnic, vacationing, you name it), calling and texting each other every day, visiting each others houses and churches, meeting each others families (my family knows about him and his family knows about me- we are all each other sees), basically acting like we were in an exclusive relationship.

    Thanks in advance.

    • Hope,

      Thanks for your post and for being so patient. I’ve been busy doing private consultations and would like to do the same for you. In brief:

      When did he begin taking you out on dates, or did you just hang out all the time? You see, that seems like a long time to get to exclusivity if you’ve been seeing him all this time. When a guy waits that long, he is in no hurry to take you off the market. He is willing to risk losing you to someone else and not ever having you in his life again. That is a red flag in my book.

      If you don’t find anything wrong with him, your lack of surety is a RED FLAG. The red flag is that this is less about him and more about YOU. Receiving an answer through faith works well especially if there is limited information to go by. But with sufficient info, there may be INTERNAL factors within you that may be impeding you from making the right decision. You may not even be aware of some of the concerns and fears that lie in the subconscious that may be making you hesitant. Further exploration of that can bring them up, which I am happy to help you with.

      There is a reason you rushed into relationships and rushed out. There is a REASON you bored easily. Could this be happening again to you? Or finding some way to get out? Possibly you have a fear of intimacy or of getting hurt? Let’s explore that!

      If this makes sense so far, I urge you to Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

      You can think of this an investment in yourself that can prove to be life-changing, in that we can explore why you think this guy is not right for you, so that you will not regret giving him up IF he’s the right man. I’d also like to save you from potential grief and wasted time. I’m sure you’re tired of the relationship merry-go-round!

  24. Kiki permalink

    I had briefly talked to a man long distance in Sept. I let him be because he did not seem to be interested. He found me on facebook and requested me the other day and we have been talking for about 3 days wherein he was straight to the point that he was interested in me and would visit where I am from and take me out. However, he has now stopped talking to me out of nowhere and I haven’t heard from him in a day and a half, yet he liked my facebook post concerning relationships. So my questions are 1. is it too soon to write him off? and 2. how should I respond if he contacts me in the next few days? (important note: he is a private military contractor).
    Thank you

    • Kiki,

      If he is really interested and wants to make it happen, he will follow up with a real date where he meets you in person.

      If that real date does not occur, he isn’t interested in you sufficiently to warrant your time and emotions.

      Write him off? There is no need to do that. Find out why:

      For a lot more info, Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to assist you.

      • Sara permalink

        When you say there in no need to write him off, are you saying that there is nothing to worry about? Like that he isn’t even worthy of being “written off” bc he doesn’t even matter if he isn’t a suitor?? And that if some point he gets a clue and “becomes a suitor” then, a girl can decide if she still wants to go out with him?

        • Sara,

          What I meant was that if you are having to wait for a guy to ask you out for the first time, then you’re not being distracted by other suitors or not being busy enough. If you have to write a guy off because you are tired of waiting, then that speaks to the vacuum in your life where it’s not full and absorbing. Juggling multiple suitors keeps you from becoming obsessed and having to write a guy off early because you have nothing else going on.

          • Dear The One

            I have a question about this. Why do you say that writing a guy off too early means we have a vacuum. Sure, there is no point in waiting around for something to happen but why shouldn’t I write off guys who take too long? Why should I be available when HE has made up his mind even if I was interested initially? What if that is too late for me? I understand that as a suitor it is the man’s job to do the asking and we cannot control that. But we have a choice in writing off people who take too long to do anything or are not sure about us.
            I tend to get put off by suitors who take too long to make a move or disappear (because they are pursuing other people or whatever) in between. Even when I am busy or have a full schedule and no “vacuum” as such- I can’t help but notice if someone has shown definite interest and doesn’t act upon it or gets distracted. Somehow that is unappealing to me in a man. It shows that the suitor is diffident or indecisive and that is a turn off for me. I do not agree that writing a guy off too early means I have nothing else going on. I would like to be with someone who has no doubt that he wants to pursue me and then goes ahead and does it. Strike while the iron is hot. If he takes time to develop interest, that is fine. That’s when I’m too busy to notice. If he stops pursuing me after some time that is fine too-not all relationships are meant to last and he might have realized we are not a good fit-it may not be anything personal. But he already has shown interest (and I have shown interest too) and then doesn’t do anything about it or disappears in between then I am never too busy to notice that and I tend to lose interest. I would not like to welcome someone who takes for granted that I will be around for him when he returns from his disappearing act or that I will continue to have an interest in letting me court him just because he took forever to make up his mind and make a move.
            What do you say?

  25. Anonymous permalink

    Hi The One, 4 months ago i met a guy and we started communicating by phone… he immediately called me and said he was interested in knowing me better..after a few phone calls he started saying that he wants to settle down with me eventually, though i liked him also I asked him to take it slowly and think it would be better if we meet personally…a month ago he arrived in our country and came to see me with his parents, asking me to marry him, i guess i didn’t really expected him to propose right away that i turned down his proposal…he didnt talk to me after that episode and a few weeks later i heard that he married his old gf…my question is do you really think he loved me or was he just so hurt that he decided to get even with me

    • It sounds like to me he was just in a rush to get married. So when you weren’t able to, he decided to find his old girlfriend to do it.

      He cannot possibly love you when he hardly knows you. You didn’t fall for the risk of something completely unknown. You escaped!

  26. Anonymous permalink

    Hi the One, i met a guy on facebook or conversation was very short he told me that he was coming to my city and would like to meet me in the weekend i told him that i will let him know during the week (before the weekend) and that i may be able on friday, he told me he will love to and that he could wait to see me, i didnt talked to him anymore. After 3 weeks he deleted me and i sent him a message: sorry its funny to me I thought that you’d like to meet me but if u deleted me i agree with u, wish u all the best. And he didnt replied, he let me very confused i stil dont understand what happened

    • He did not ask you out out on a date, so he isn’t even worth your precious time. Your time IS valuable, isn’t it?

      When he said he’d like to meet you on the weekend, you should have replied, “Great!”

      Then don’t breathe a word. Let him step up.

      Instead, you offered yourself to him. You went ahead and assumed he was serious and told him when you were available.

      For a lot more info, Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to assist you!

  27. Hi One
    I’ve got a bit of a dilemma. A few years ago I dated a man exclusively for just over a year. I was in love with him but, his feelings did not match mine. Eventually, I ended the relationship as, we were not on the same paths. I was heartbroken for ages but, it was the right thing to do. I carried on with my life, got over it and moved on. Though I have enjoyed myself, I have not met anyone for whom I have had the same depth of feeling since that relationship.
    Recently, I have been looking to move house. This is due to ensuring I can get a better school for my son. I was considering a lovely location with great train links to London for me to work. But, whch also has great schools (both private and state). So, it would give me a choice when my son turns 11 depending on finances.

    Whilst I was viewing a potential property last weekend. I unexpectedly bumped into this guy. I was chatting to the Estate Agent outside the property I had just viewed. When, I looked over the road I saw he was walking past. But, I quickly turned my attention back to the estate agent.

    I was really shocked to see him and I could feel my heart thumping away ( I know it sound so sad). But, I am only human. I cannot help my feelings. Unfortunately , it has brought memories flooding back and I’ve started thinking of him again (even though, I know it’s over for good). It would be no good going there again as, he never felt the same in the first place. Though he was a lovely person. I ended the relationship for good reason.

    However, It’s made it very difficult to be objective regarding this new location. I now feel unable to separate my emotions again. I know it sounds ridiculous but, seeing him for me was soooo unexpected. I know it would be difficult for me emotionally if, I kept seeing him. Especially, knowing that he now lives in this town. Should I consider another location. I have looked at other towns but, they don’t have the same choice. Other towns has great private schools but, only selective state schools. This is no good if, my son is not academic. But, the properties are still equally pricey. If I leave it any longer ill not be able to afford my first choice as prices are rising due to the demand. Obviously it shows it’s a good choice.

    I am torn because I know I need to do what is best for my son. That is the priority. But, seeing him has made me question this location. It’s the most affordabLe location with the best choice of schools for him. The whole reason for me instigating a move to this location was to due with school choices.
    How can I remain objective and how can I STOP myself from thinking of this man. I don’t want to let my emotions obscure my judgement and ability to make the right choice. For example it will hurt if, I see him with a girlfriend. Having said that, it might only be difficult initially. Perhaps it could get easier.
    Furthermore, how should I act if, I see him? Should I not look at him and avoid initiativing a conversation? Should I even still move there?

    Many Thanks


    • Hannah,

      You should just do what is best for your son. Don’t let your feelings for one man get in the way of your life.

      What if you moved elsewhere, meet some guy, and experience the same thing with him? You can’t run away from life.

      It would be far better that you move where it is best for your son, deal with your feelings regarding this man, and hopefully resolve them.

      Usually the root of the problem is within yourself which has nothing to do with the guy in question.

    • P.S.

      To stop yourself from thinking about this man, it will be a process. There are two things you can do:

      1. Talk about it with a counselor. Have a professional help you find out why this is taking such a hold on you. Usually it is due to being abandoned or neglected at some point in your past, probably your childhood. This man is just a trigger, a reminder of that pain that you haven’t gotten over. You will have to resolve that pain somehow, in order to move on completely and avoid being triggered again by another man.

      2. Meanwhile, find things to do that would be far more absorbing and more interesting so your energy, your thoughts, and your time are completely taken up to the point where there is no room left for dwelling on him outside of therapy.

      • Hi The One

        Thank you for your reply. I had a think about it and you are right. I need to explore why I am thinking of him again. Plus, I need to stop. I’m going through changes at the moment ie moving house, moving away from friends, I don’t have family and a new job to boot. So it’s affected my sense of security. Plus, it’s scary.
        However, now I can see it. I can make changes and build back my self esteem and confidence! Plus, it’s a good location that I am moving too. It does nt just have good schools and transport. It has a great running club and gym so, it should be easier for me to build my social life around activities I enjoy.

        Many Thanks as always


  28. Olive permalink

    I was wondering if you might do an article about when to forgive or when to forget him if he screwed up.

    If not, no big deal.


  29. checks…. what does it mean actually??
    because it’s a natural instinct to look at the women, especially if they’re beautiful and with their legs or boobs en pleine vue 😉

    but there is a huge difference between “take a look” and “look at them constantly” or worst, smiling at them and giving them other signs of interest

    • “Checking out” means ogling, looking at someone lustfully. Admiring someone casually is different from ogling.

      When a man’s taking you out on a date, he should be ogling at you — or he needs to leave you alone and date someone else. He can always check out other women when he’s out with the boys or when he’s by himself.

      He should be putting on his best self and making a good impression of himself when he’s with you. Ogling at other women doesn’t come across as a compliment.

  30. Astrum permalink

    “When a man checks out other women when he’s with you.”

    This is my number one thing I dislike. As soon as I see a guy I am getting to know checking someone else out, I totally go off him. I find it totally monotonous and uninspiring. Just kills any interest or respect for him.

  31. I absolutely love this blog. I wish I found it earlier. I, like many many women before me, have found myself in a less than desirable position with a man who doesn’t respect me.
    I also went to the dark side and checked his phone. Needless to say, what I found was not pretty. He is actively seeing a plethora of other women, and declared his love to an ex girlfriend. ugh. We are going away next weekend to his cottage and I find myself doubting whether he wishes he had asked someone else. Not sure where my balls went when it came to this relationship, because in my everyday life, I don’t settle or accept anything but the utmost respect.
    I think I will have to move on from this..I’ve already confused him this morning when I called him out on his ditching our Sat night plans. He said he was with his friends, but alas, I am now so paranoid I don’t trust anything that comes out of his mouth. I told him I wasn’t angry he decided to stay with his friends but I was confused as to why he didn’t bother to apologize. He got defensive but I told him that maybe it was my fault for making him think that he didn’t have to apologize and it was a life lesson I needed to learn.
    I eventually said its done, I accept his apology and said I’m good. He said he was good too but I don’t really know where we stand anymore. I feel weird standing up to him and he is confused and maybe even angry, but I keep telling myself that is is better to be called a bitch than stupid, pushover or a doormat.
    I feel like I see the pieces of the puzzle but can’t seem to put them together. This blog has certainly given me the resolve to change the status quo, because I am not happy with the way things are. I just need to get to the point where I don’t care whether he chases me or not…and I am so scared he won’t. It really is hard to let go when you care so much. Anyway, that is my rant. I will continue to read this blog and hope that I can further apply it to my life. Maybe my next post will be I DID IT!!

    Thanks for all the help.

  32. Peach permalink

    Hi the One , I met someone at an online dating site, he was very interested at first and was the first one to message me, we exchanged messages within the dating site. I can sense his excitement because he answered so fast and my mistake was I did too. He told me I was very interesting and that he never messaged anyone as much as he messaged me. He gave his facebook account and asked me to add him after a week so we can converse faster. I added him right away ( I was too eager! Hate myself for doing that!) then we started messaging in facebook. Chatting me up even if he is at work, After another week, He didn’t message me as much as before anymore.

    He just “liked” my posts but never bothered to send me a private message. We talked once in skype and he never called me again or invited me to skype again after that one 3-hour conversation. he laughed a lot, we laughed alot, and exchanged stories, maybe I did something to turn him off because he never messaged me after.

    Aftter a week he messaged me out of the blue saying that he and his friend will be going to my country 4 months from now he asked wether i can hang out with them, and asked about when is the best time to go,, and I replied telling him tips on how to get around, he thanked me and then never replied to my last message . Its been already a week, he was still liking my posts but never bothered to reply. And recently I saw in his facebook that he had pictures and went out on a date with a new girl. I am not hurt, but just pissed and ego was a bit bruised. I thought he liked me.

    ( its my fault to assume!) I am trying to forget him now but everytime he likes my post, his name comes up. Should i delete him in my friends list, i dont want to look like i am hurt by deleting him totally or should i just restrict him from receving any news about me? Whatdo you think should i do ? Thanks in advance if ever you reply to my lame problem.

  33. Naima permalink

    Dear The One, I was dating a guy for more than 6 months, because we don’t live in the same city we saw each other twice a month but were calling and emailing mostly everyday, However, he completely stop contacting me after our last date, witch BTW went very well, he didn’t give any explanation, not even a call or an email to say that it is over. I decided to moved on even without any clear closure and did not contact him for the last four months. I am dating another guy but I am still hurt, and sometimes feel sad… not cause it did not work out with him but cause the way he behaved, which was very disappointing as I was convinced that he is a good person who cares about others… Next week it is his birthday, I am thinking to send him an email to tell him that I am ok with the fact that it is over but what he did wasn’t cool. I don’t intent to insult or hurt him, but to state in a polite way that the way he expressed his no interest was in complete contradiction with the image he gave me of him. May be he will answer may be not, may be it is a selfish way to get my anger and disappointment out but I have the feeling that I didn’t completely close this chapter.., what do you think? Thanks for your answer. Naima

    • Please know that by filling the gap between dates with a lot of emailing, texting, or chatting, you become MORE INVESTED EMOTIONALLY in your suitor than is NECESSARY and FOR YOUR BEST INTEREST.

      There is a way to say good-bye and get closure for yourself when he’s disappeared. Order EGuides Today, or Get Personalized Advice via confidential Email Exchange.

      Hope to assist you!

  34. permalink

    Should I move on? I met a guy two months ago. He’s been pursuing me, and I’m very interested, but trying to be reasonably cool. It was lust at first sight for me as he is attractive but not my usual type, but I was instantly attracted to him and vice versa. We’ve had five dates and there is undoubtedly a very strong attraction between us, but I’ve gone from mere lust to thinking I might be falling in love with him. My best friend says if he’s not in love with me by now he probably never will be as men fall in love very quickly. Incidentally, we haven’t dated more often, at least so far, as we both have very demanding jobs and both travel for our jobs. He’s asked me out on a number of occasions where I’ve had to decline due to either other work or social commitments, or I was playing hard to get. Should I give up on his ever falling in love with me? We’ve fooled around but haven’t had sex yet (though he tried on our last date, but I said I wasn’t ready). Am I wasting my time? Seeing him again on Thursday night.

    • What do you want him to do exactly? Fall in love with a woman he hardly sees? Being a challenge is not about being totally unavailable to a suitor you’re interested in. Your schedule doesn’t permit you to get together with him easily, so the pace of your dating process will be a bit slower.

      Actually, this is not a bad thing. You don’t want to rush this. It has to happen at its own time, led by the male, with you declining or accepting.

      A woman doesn’t have to give up on any guy. All she does is decline and accept dates, or decline and accept exclusivity. In the meantime, she is busy enjoying her life, including dating other men.

      So just relax and enjoy the time spent with him. If you’re not having sex with him, you won’t have to worry about your body creating premature emotional attachments to him. Men do not have this issue, therefore, the risk of having sex before commitment would be yours to take, not his.

      There’s no proof yet that he’s in love with you, but if he’s asking you out, you have proof he’s attracted to you and proof he’s interested.

      The next stage is for him to fall in love, so give it some time, get to know him, and see if he professes those feelings for you and asks for exclusivity.

  35. Though my questions on here do not reflect my situation. I find your perspective interesting and extremely useful! Again thank you! You are always so right!

  36. Hi The One
    How do you continue to be a prize catch once you have been married for a while? Obviously the mystery has gone then. Since, you’ve already had sex with him and you live with him. So he will know everything about you. Being a prize catch when you are married is almost impossible when, you both know everything about each other. Surely the mystery of other women would become more attractive to men? How can a wife compete with younger more mysterious women?


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